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I want a divorce & I feel selfish!


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 31st January 2018, 10:59 PM   #61
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Originally Posted by Unhappy_Nerd View Post
Hi all. First post...lurked for a while without registering.


I've been married 18 years. My wife is a wonderful sweet person, who has always loved me way more than I loved her. It was originally a rebound relationship after breaking up with my high school sweetheart at the age of 19...but I was young, stupid, inexperienced, and really had no idea what I was doing, and somehow stumbled into marriage. Hell, I didn't know what a rebound was at that point. We do NOT have children.


I have a ton of resentments and regrets. I wish I'd had the courage to end this all years ago...but she's so sweet that I just don't want to hurt her and can't bring myself to do it. I talked about a divorce with her about 6 years ago...but then her mother passed away unexpectedly, and I didn't have the heart to follow through. Instead I agreed to some marriage counseling, and just bottled everything up...


So now, it's been 18 years of marriage, and I just don't want to do this anymore. I care for her, like a close friend, but that's really it. She knows that I'm depressed, and having problems being intimate. I'm just not attracted to her in that way at all, and sex is just a chore. She keeps trying to attribute my unhappiness to my work - I'm a tax accountant, and while my job can suck at times and I'm unhappy in my current position, I'm 99% sure it's my home life that is causing my depression.


Earlier this week, I was visibly depressed, and she suggested that I call one of my old buddies up for a chat. I thought that was a great idea, so once she went to bed I stayed up and called my friend, and we talked for a couple of hours about my relationship problems. Including my desire for a divorce. He advised that I write her a letter so that I could get all of my thoughts in one place before trying to discuss any of this with her.


So here's the twist...MY WIFE WAS EAVESDROPPING. She had woken up, and gone to the closet medicine cabinet just outside of the room where I was on the phone to grab some decongestant. She heard a good deal of my side of the conversation...I'm still not exactly sure what...told me that she didn't mean to eavesdrop- and I believe that it wasn't intentional...but the damage was done. She knew I wanted a divorce, but I wasn't able to frame the subject with her at all.


So now, like a [] idiot, I agreed to talk to a counselor again because I evidently don't have a [] spine. I'm absolutely terrible at verbalizing my feelings. My memory for conversations is just crap- I'm a visual learner, I need to read it to remember it- so whenever I'm trying to talk about how I feel, she comes up with a ton of counter-examples and generally makes me feel like my feelings are invalid.


I've been avoiding her all week...I've been too cowardly to just man up and end it. We don't have kids. She's an accountant too, and is perfectly capable of supporting herself...so it's mostly a matter of details. But I feel so guilty for putting my happiness above hers...
I am posting for the first times tonight and seeing that so many people are in a similar situation as myself. I've been toying with the idea of divorce for over six years now. My husband and I have been married for ten. It was ok at first and shortly after, things took a nosedive. My first husband passed away in a car accident and my now husband can't get over how much I loved him. We married (8 months) after his accident. I've never been alone and scared of the idea of it and other times I am not.
My advice to you, I could also say to myself. Just be honest with yourself first and then say it straight. She's going to be hurt, but I think it's better to separate first instead of divorce. I think! I am about to find out very soon.
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Old 1st February 2018, 11:22 AM   #62
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Originally Posted by wheresthelove View Post
I am posting for the first times tonight and seeing that so many people are in a similar situation as myself. I've been toying with the idea of divorce for over six years now. My husband and I have been married for ten. It was ok at first and shortly after, things took a nosedive. My first husband passed away in a car accident and my now husband can't get over how much I loved him. We married (8 months) after his accident. I've never been alone and scared of the idea of it and other times I am not.
My advice to you, I could also say to myself. Just be honest with yourself first and then say it straight. She's going to be hurt, but I think it's better to separate first instead of divorce. I think! I am about to find out very soon.
I can relate to this! I am also considering separation. Maybe then it will give all an adjustment period, plus my daughter is planning a wedding and I would want to move to another state. It's all so hard deciding. One thing I read...If you stay you know what you have and are in for. If you go, it's unknown but the possibilities are endless. The guilt and pain, par for the course but do get better with time, as most things.
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