LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Separation and Divorce

I want a divorce & I feel selfish!


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Like Tree84Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 19th January 2018, 3:57 PM   #16
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Indianapolis
Posts: 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by Happy Lemming View Post
A curfew?? Are you her husband or are you her child??

When you get home, change and go out (without her) and don't abide to her silly curfew... Go to a pub or a bookstore or anywhere and come home when you want to, not when your curfew is up. Just tell her you are going out and do it.

You created this monster by letting her have her way, every time. I've never heard of a grown man having a curfew.

Sorry if that seems harsh, but I'm flabbergasted.

Just my two cents...

Curfew was just the term I chose. But I suppose it's fitting.

She doesn't sleep well when I'm not home, her separation anxiety keeps her awake....She has a number of allergies and health problems, and I catered to her problems for years.

So if I'm not home before her bed time (typically 930 or 10 most nights), she pitches a fit. It precludes me from taking part in any activities that run late on week nights.

And I'm not insulted- I know I made this problem. I've always been conflict averse/a pushover.
Unhappy_Nerd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2018, 4:03 PM   #17
Established Member
 
RecentChange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 4,683
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unhappy_Nerd View Post
Curfew was just the term I chose. But I suppose it's fitting.

She doesn't sleep well when I'm not home, her separation anxiety keeps her awake....She has a number of allergies and health problems, and I catered to her problems for years.

So if I'm not home before her bed time (typically 930 or 10 most nights), she pitches a fit. It precludes me from taking part in any activities that run late on week nights.

And I'm not insulted- I know I made this problem. I've always been conflict averse/a pushover.
Yeah thats some real BS.

I would say, if she doesn't want to lose you, she needs to make some drastic changes, like not making you responsible for her anxiety, and going to bed by herself like a grown woman.

But... if you are no longer sexually attracted to her, if there is no spark, this sounds DONE.

I am in a childless marrige, and for us, I feel its often best of both worlds. We have a partner we can depend on, share our lives with, sex, and fun and all of that.

But we also have a lot of Independence. We have our own time consuming hobbies (horses for me, MX and Mt Bikes for him). He may go on a 3 day riding trip with the guys, I may head off to a riding competition.

He can go out and paint the town if he wants - hell he came home at 4 am last Thursday - All I ask for is an occasional text to let me know he isn't dead.
__________________
Sorry for all of the typos! On a cell phone that thinks it is smarter than me
RecentChange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2018, 4:07 PM   #18
Established Member
 
Happy Lemming's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Sunny Southwest
Posts: 667
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unhappy_Nerd View Post

She doesn't sleep well when I'm not home, her separation anxiety keeps her awake....

So if I'm not home before her bed time (typically 930 or 10 most nights), she pitches a fit.
They make sleeping pills for people that don't sleep well... If I can't sleep I take a benadryl.

Let her pitch a fit, what is the worst that can happen... She files for divorce?? Her sleeping disorder and separation anxiety are her problem, not yours.

I'm not saying come home at 3:00am and start the blender with ice in it, but you can go out after 9:30-10:00.
__________________
All of my posts are my opinion based on my own experiences. Feel Free to disagree with me, this rodent has thick skin.
Happy Lemming is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2018, 4:22 PM   #19
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Indianapolis
Posts: 40
But yeah, she does treat me a lot like I'm a child, and I let her get away with it for years.

Like I said, at first things were cute and endearing, but that wore off long ago and I've never been able to get her to change. A big part of it is my own fault.

I just need out.
Unhappy_Nerd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2018, 4:26 PM   #20
Established Member
 
Happy Lemming's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Sunny Southwest
Posts: 667
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unhappy_Nerd View Post

I just need out.
Start with regaining some of your independence and see how that goes, then after tax season re-evaluate if you want out.

One step at a time, brother, one step at a time...
Happy Lemming is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2018, 4:40 PM   #21
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Indianapolis
Posts: 40
The counselor we retained is suggesting a trial separation. Other than the pain in the ass of separating our accounts, it's pretty tempting...
Unhappy_Nerd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2018, 4:53 PM   #22
Established Member
 
Happy Lemming's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Sunny Southwest
Posts: 667
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unhappy_Nerd View Post
The counselor we retained is suggesting a trial separation. Other than the pain in the ass of separating our accounts, it's pretty tempting...
Trial Separation?? How is that going to work if you have to home by 10:00pm.

18 years is a long time... I guess you have to ask yourself if this can be fixed and what kind of life do you want to live.

I thought I was an "oddball" for never have been married, but I read somewhere between 20% to 27% of all adults have never been married?? I'm sure there are quite a few men that got married, divorced and never re-married, if that is truly what you want.

Separating accounts, hard?? You're an accountant, create an equitable & fair spreadsheet and do a wire transfer to another account. You can do it on-line in 30 seconds...
Happy Lemming is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2018, 4:57 PM   #23
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Indianapolis
Posts: 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by Happy Lemming View Post
Trial Separation?? How is that going to work if you have to home by 10:00pm.

18 years is a long time... I guess you have to ask yourself if this can be fixed and what kind of life do you want to live.

I thought I was an "oddball" for never have been married, but I read somewhere between 20% to 27% of all adults have never been married?? I'm sure there are quite a few men that got married, divorced and never re-married, if that is truly what you want.

Separating accounts, hard?? You're an accountant, create an equitable & fair spreadsheet and do a wire transfer to another account. You can do it on-line in 30 seconds...
Lol, I just meant agreeing on who takes what.

The mechanics of it are simple.
Unhappy_Nerd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2018, 5:03 PM   #24
Established Member
 
Happy Lemming's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Sunny Southwest
Posts: 667
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unhappy_Nerd View Post
Lol, I just meant agreeing on who takes what.
How about 50/50?? If your liquid assets are $10K; she gets $5K, you get $5K.

Are you sure you are an accountant?? LOL..

This is a temporary separation, not a divorce settlement. That is a horse of a different color
Happy Lemming is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2018, 5:13 PM   #25
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Indianapolis
Posts: 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by Happy Lemming View Post
How about 50/50?? If your liquid assets are $10K; she gets $5K, you get $5K.

Are you sure you are an accountant?? LOL..

This is a temporary separation, not a divorce settlement. That is a horse of a different color
Sure, for the liquid assets, I'm more concerned about who is responsible for which liabilities.

Student loans are easy. CC's can be split. But car payments & mortgage are a little bit more of a negotiation.

That's all. And as I said, the mechanics are easy, it's getting her to agree to stuff that may be difficult. We'll see I guess...
Unhappy_Nerd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2018, 5:22 PM   #26
Established Member
 
Happy Lemming's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Sunny Southwest
Posts: 667
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unhappy_Nerd View Post
Sure, for the liquid assets, I'm more concerned about who is responsible for which liabilities.

Student loans are easy. CC's can be split. But car payments & mortgage are a little bit more of a negotiation.

That's all. And as I said, the mechanics are easy, it's getting her to agree to stuff that may be difficult. We'll see I guess...
Wouldn't you receive assistance from the counselor/therapist that suggested the trial separation?? I'm sure they have a guide??

How long of a seperation is the counselor/therapist suggesting?? What is the customary and usual time frame for a trial separation?? I imagine none of these decisions about cars and loans are permanent, are they??

I was working with a husband/wife team who were investors for a company I worked for. They broke up and what was decided at separation was not what was in the final divorce decree.

I'm not an attorney, so "your mileage may vary" in your state.
Happy Lemming is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2018, 5:36 PM   #27
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 3,141
She will be sad at first, but maybe she'll be happier after. It's no fun to live with someone constantly depressed. So I think you should get a divorce.

She may find someone else who will love and like her, be attracted to her etc. I lived with a negative spouse and it darkens your doorstep. I wasn't happy when we broke up but years later, I'm much better off. The mood started to get high about 6 months after. Somebody always complaining, always unhappy is pretty draining. So you may be doing her a favor.

I think you'll still be depressed though, after the intial high.
BluEyeL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2018, 5:43 PM   #28
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Indianapolis
Posts: 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by BluEyeL View Post
She will be sad at first, but maybe she'll be happier after. It's no fun to live with someone constantly depressed. So I think you should get a divorce.

She may find someone else who will love and like her, be attracted to her etc. I lived with a negative spouse and it darkens your doorstep. I wasn't happy when we broke up but years later, I'm much better off. The mood started to get high about 6 months after. Somebody always complaining, always unhappy is pretty draining. So you may be doing her a favor.

I think you'll still be depressed though, after the intial high.

Yeah, I think she'd be better off without me as well...And maybe it won't make me happy...who knows. Meh.
Unhappy_Nerd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th January 2018, 1:03 AM   #29
Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 34
I知 in a similar situation except we have a 17 yo son. My husband isn稚 a bad person; I知 just unhappy. He wants to blame outside situations on my unhappiness. I feel extremely guilty and selfish. I also stupidly agreed to counseling knowing good and well I知 done. No advice for you, just empathy. Good luck to you.
Mrs. Miserable is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th January 2018, 10:06 AM   #30
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Indianapolis
Posts: 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Miserable View Post
I知 in a similar situation except we have a 17 yo son. My husband isn稚 a bad person; I知 just unhappy. He wants to blame outside situations on my unhappiness. I feel extremely guilty and selfish. I also stupidly agreed to counseling knowing good and well I知 done. No advice for you, just empathy. Good luck to you.
Thank you for the empathy. And I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation.


We talked about the trial separation last night, and basically said screw it, lets get this done. So the plan is to maintain counseling until the end of Feb, and hopefully just move on with our separate lives in March. Band-aid has been ripped away...

@Happy Lemming- after everything was said, I felt a ton better. A weight has been lifted. We'll see how long that lasts.
Unhappy_Nerd is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
am i being selfish i dont feel it gemmawilson General Relationship Discussion 2 10th March 2014 11:29 PM
i feel like a bad person and i know im being selfish... lovehurts5 Breaks and Breaking Up 3 10th August 2012 12:10 AM
I Feel Selfish - Any Advise!! chocolate_boy General Relationship Discussion 19 24th October 2006 1:45 PM
Hurt from selfish & stubborn H. Should I divorce? disenchanted Separation and Divorce 6 4th April 2004 1:36 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 2:33 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.