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I'm a complete mess.

Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 30th December 2017, 12:04 AM   #1
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I'm a complete mess.

Hi everyone! I'm trying to keep this as short as I can. Me and my soon to be ex husband started dating 7 years ago. I used to be a very different person when I first met him. I was quite, shy, patient and I always watched and analysed everything that got out of my mouth. He was the complete different. Always had an anger issue, manipulative, abusive, both mental and physical. As years passed by I lost myself. I became more like him without even realising.

I love him so much, I couldnt picture myself without him. Everytime we fought he used to threat me that he was leaving me , and I always backed down.. Four years after we got married and had a son together. That's when it got worst. He never helped me , started drinking and smoking weed all day every day, lost his job, lost his driver licence for a while. I felt so helpless, so depressed and alone. He never made me feel good about myself, Everytime we fought it was my fault. I couldn't realize of it was the truth, I did feel like I was becoming him and I couldnt tell the difference on what was right or wrong.

When our son was little, all I focused was my baby. I do feel like I neglected my husband. I wasnt all there for him. On January 2016, he lost his father, they had a very strong bond. That's when everything when from bad to worst. He was so depressed, as much as I tried to be there for him, he always pushed me away, and complain that I wasn't there for him, and how much of a bad wife I was. He became very abusive and I used to snap from time to time. On May 2016 we had a very bad argument. I felt very sick, and I asked him to sleep with the baby because.

I was scared I was contagious and did not want to get him sick. O don't really remember how, but he refused to and we started arguing and out of nowhere he started hitting me and I did defend myself and hit him back. Out of anger I called his mother and told her she needs to tell her son to stop, from doing that he got more mad and he ended up pressing charges on me for physical abuse. Next thing I know I got arrested. That was the worst day of my life. The first time I had to be away from my son, and that's when I realized my marriage was over..

he never apologized in my face for doing that, we have been separated ever since.. during out year and a half being separated, we have had good days and bad days. We never got together together, but we always communicate, and at one point I forgave him and asked him to come back home. He didn't , he said it's to early and it's not a good idea. Even though he refused me with words, his actions will show different. A few months after I finally felt like I was over him, he started being extra nice, took me out for mother's day and I felt for it like an idiot.

He used to take us out all the time ( me and my son ) supposedly it was for the baby not for me. We did get into a huge argument a few months later, and that when I decided it was finally time to put an end on this.. I kept my distance, less calls and text. But last week I found out he's seeing some girl that I know and helped when she first moved to US. She knows exactly what happened between us. My world crushed into pieces. Many of you will think how stupid I am to feel like this, I know he's not good for me. But he's the only person that gave me a few happy days in life, other than my son that I love with all my heart.

I have no support system, my father is mentally abusive.Hes a bully, always telling me that I'm weak and I don't do **** with my life. He will always throw on my face what my ex did to me and how I'm such an idiot for even thinking about taking him back. And I don't have many friends. I have no shoulder to cry on. The one friend that knows about my situation would always tell me it's been almost 2 years I need to get over it. I don't even feel comfortable to talk to her about this.

I'm very depressed. The only thing that's keeping me together it's my son. I don't know what to do.

Last edited by Moderator; 30th December 2017 at 10:30 AM..
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Old 30th December 2017, 12:31 AM   #2
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You keep moving forward rather than looking back, that's what you do.

You have a child to think about so get back to being the person you used to be before he and whoever else messed with your head.

There isn't anything wrong with you, they just told you that to excuse their crappy way of treating you. Don't believe it.
'The love for all living creatures is the
most noble attribute of man.'
- Charles Darwin
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Old 30th December 2017, 1:08 AM   #3
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Your husband is a controlling abuser and most people think one would be happy to be free of an abuser but it doesn't work that way. Abusers get in your head and mess up your reality. They leave you believing that you are unlovable and unappealing and that they are the only who has ever loved or who will ever love. They cycle through phases where they make you feel loved and happy and then you are willing to take more abuse while you wait for the good side of him to show up again.

There is nothing wrong with you. Your feelings are pretty much textbook for someone who has endured many years of abuse and poor treatment. You need counseling to help you process your abusive marriage and any past abuse you may have experienced even before him. Call your local women's shelter. Even though your husband is not currently abusing you, you are still suffering the effects of abuse and the women's shelter knows all about the lasting impact of abuse. I have a friend who received tremendous help and support by a shelter even though she had left her abusive bf about 18 months before she called them. They will know how to get you hooked up with whatever help you need.
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Old 30th December 2017, 10:27 AM   #4
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You live one day at a time.. one week at a time.. one month at a time and then one year at a time.

Before you know it.. You'll be living your own life. Never think that you're not good enough for anyone.. the world is a big place.. Don't spend time looking and the right one will come to you.

You still have a lot of healing and self discovery to do on your own.. Concentrate on that first and don't put doubt in your mind that you are not good enough.

If you need.. Get help, don't be too proud thinking you don't need it. Let yourself feel anger or any emotion when you do find out about something you dislike as that's only human and letting your emotion free is the only way to get over things.

You'll always have people that will talk you down.. their words isn't who you are as a person.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 4:07 AM   #5
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Hi Anna, you have been given excellent advice by the previous posters. Please take heed of it. As the mother of a young child who is principally dependent on you, you need to be the best mother that you can be. Are you employed and able to support yourself? Also, you have'nt mentioned your mother so I take it she is no more or estranged from your family. Do you have any siblings you can depend on?

As far as your husband is concerned, it is good he is out of your life. If the other girl wants him let her have him. Are you planning on initiating divorce proceedings? If not you should be thinking about it seriously. Try and increase your circle of friends on whom you can depend.
Wish you the very best going forward.
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