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wife is staying with friends - says she's "done"


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Old 8th January 2018, 10:48 AM   #61
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Not so much...

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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
It really depends on the person and the circumstances as to whether chasing will send them further away or bring them back.
Not so much on this one. When a woman like this one is doing what she has done, any man is a fool if he chases her.

It never, ever works. My Ex was livid when I started dating, she even kind of stalked my ex GF's.

It took her about 5 minutes to understand the mistakes that she had made. Not my barrel not my monkeys.

Before I was done, I gave her chance after chance. I tried to tell her what it was going to be like. And she did not get it, and she never will.

Back to the point, I have hardly ever, ever chased a woman. I of course make the first move, and they get to decide if they want to go there.

One poor girl did not return a call once. Cool, NBD and then I guess she asked around a bit. Then, for about the next month she made such a habit of giving me such a big hug every time she ran into me.

Sorry dear, I am with someone else.

Never chase a woman, let her know you are interested, never chase...
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Old 8th January 2018, 11:03 AM   #62
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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
Not so much on this one. When a woman like this one is doing what she has done, any man is a fool if he chases her.

It never, ever works. My Ex was livid when I started dating, she even kind of stalked my ex GF's.

It took her about 5 minutes to understand the mistakes that she had made. Not my barrel not my monkeys.

Before I was done, I gave her chance after chance. I tried to tell her what it was going to be like. And she did not get it, and she never will.

Back to the point, I have hardly ever, ever chased a woman. I of course make the first move, and they get to decide if they want to go there.

One poor girl did not return a call once. Cool, NBD and then I guess she asked around a bit. Then, for about the next month she made such a habit of giving me such a big hug every time she ran into me.

Sorry dear, I am with someone else.

Never chase a woman, let her know you are interested, never chase...
There is something to this. It seems that when you have to chase it rarely ends, you will have to chase her the entire relationship. Women tend to be the primary caregiver for the relationship, if the man has to be it means she just not that into you. Maybe it's convenient for her.

Usually in those cases you are pretty much a place holder til someone better for her comes around.

OP, the bottom line is your wife has an issue with your son being there, it's not what she signed up for, it's not what she wants. You won't change that. Everything elses is window dressing.
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Old 8th January 2018, 12:20 PM   #63
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Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post

OP, the bottom line is your wife has an issue with your son being there, it's not what she signed up for, it's not what she wants. You won't change that. Everything elses is window dressing.
I agree that this girl is probably done, chasing her will not work.

I wrote in response to Marc response re chasing and to JAG saying to walk in to the wife's store with a woman in tow and that if it is meant to be it will happen...
Unlikely.
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Old 8th January 2018, 2:07 PM   #64
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Originally Posted by StoicHusband View Post
In the end it wasn't about me. It's her. She was building an emotional connection with a younger guy at her job, some pothead that has no responsibility and no real goals. She set her status to "in a relationship" with the date as THE DAY SHE LEFT.
So your wife is in the middle of an affair. Her suddenly leaving and not wanting to work on the marriage makes a lot more sense now. Of course, when she left and you sent the long apologetic message to her going on and on about how it was all your fault and that you’ll try to be better, you completed validated everything in her mind that she was using to justify the affair. She probably immediately sent that to her boyfriend and told him, “see, I told you he was a terrible spouse and he admits it.”

A spouse admitting their faults is great for helping to repair a marriage UNLESS the other spouse is in an affair, and then the admissions completely backfire and only push the other spouse further into the affair.
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Old 12th January 2018, 10:18 PM   #65
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So your wife is in the middle of an affair. Her suddenly leaving and not wanting to work on the marriage makes a lot more sense now. Of course, when she left and you sent the long apologetic message to her going on and on about how it was all your fault and that you’ll try to be better, you completed validated everything in her mind that she was using to justify the affair. She probably immediately sent that to her boyfriend and told him, “see, I told you he was a terrible spouse and he admits it.”

A spouse admitting their faults is great for helping to repair a marriage UNLESS the other spouse is in an affair, and then the admissions completely backfire and only push the other spouse further into the affair.
100%, I felt like an idiot when I found out. I did even worse when she called on our 10th anniversary to say we should be friends. I can't believe how idiotic I have been lol.

I'm less worried about it now. I'm more concerned with the things on my list and I'm doing great at them.

My son is in school, turns out he wasn't behind he is ADVANCED.
  • lost 40 lbs in 4 weeks... using that stress to my advantage.
  • exercising regularly
  • getting more hours at work
  • I'm in size 34 jeans again
  • Girls from my past are hitting me up, telling me how good I look

I'm hearing about how dumb this new guy is and how pathetic and stuff lol. I'm really lost on why she would do this. It's hilarious really.

So I'm not the father she wants for her future kids... big deal. Maybe I don't want a pothead, drunk, adulteress for the mother of my future kids.


She has started asking me for ****, I've declined everything. I've stopped replying. I'm sick of her **** at this point and some of the women I've been talking to have made me realize that she couldn't even have an intelligent conversation. She has no conscience and not a thought in her head.

She has asked me for:
  • The cat (I said he can stay in his home)
  • Some more weed (I told her I got rid of it, because I have)
  • To split my tax return (I told her no, I don't have any family AT ALL and she does. I need that cushion)
  • A Wii guitar controller - This is when I stopped responding.

I'm feeling better about myself every day. Today my son took his placement tests in school and I was so worried I hadn't taught him right in homeschool. When they said he was ahead of his peers I nearly cried right there at the school. I made it home and told him how proud I was then had him go play. I went to my room and I lost it.

I remember who I was before her now. This was the worst thing I can imagine happening. She completely ****ed my head up for ten years, then tried to finish the job 4 weeks ago. I'm good without her.

Anxiety is finally gone. Self-doubt is dwindling because everything she said has been found not to be true.

She can have that weird MF who walks like a robot with a stick up his a**, whose last girl left him for a woman... We'll see how this works out.

You know what I'd like from you guys now? Anyone know any appropriate breakup songs for me? So far been listening to:
  • -Cee lo Green, F*** You
  • -Mac Miller, Smile Back
  • -Styx, Blue Collar Man
  • and a few others... ideas?
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Old 12th January 2018, 10:34 PM   #66
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Return of the Mack - Mark Morrison

I don’t have a breakup song, but if I did it would be that all-time classic - Return of the Mack.

I would be living it too. Be on top of my game and would do my best to forget she existed.

They say the best revenge is living well. Make sure you live well. Be the very best you can be.

Last edited by MidKnightDreams; 12th January 2018 at 10:41 PM..
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Old 12th January 2018, 10:45 PM   #67
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Good to see you wake up and get out of the pathetic puppy dog stage.
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Old 13th January 2018, 12:59 AM   #68
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Hi stoic, well done. Now keep up the good work. Let her realize she lost the prize. I wouldn't ne surprised if she now starts hounding you and telling you she made a mistake and asking you to forgive her. With your new realization about her intellect, addictions and flawed character you would do well to ignore her. Good to know your son is above average and should for well in school.

Keep doing what you are doing to improve yourself and become the man of some good woman's dreams. You have a much brighter future without her in your life. Warm wishes.
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Old 13th January 2018, 3:06 AM   #69
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MidKnightDreams View Post
Return of the Mack - Mark Morrison

I don’t have a breakup song, but if I did it would be that all-time classic - Return of the Mack.

I would be living it too. Be on top of my game and would do my best to forget she existed.

They say the best revenge is living well. Make sure you live well. Be the very best you can be.
Good song. Good advice. Good God, I'm glad she's gone.

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Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Good to see you wake up and get out of the pathetic puppy dog stage.
Loyal hound if ever there was one. That's me. Most of my friends say I handled it better than they did, that's some consolation.

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Originally Posted by Just a Guy View Post
Hi stoic, well done. Now keep up the good work. Let her realize she lost the prize. I wouldn't ne surprised if she now starts hounding you and telling you she made a mistake and asking you to forgive her. With your new realization about her intellect, addictions and flawed character you would do well to ignore her. Good to know your son is above average and should for well in school.

Keep doing what you are doing to improve yourself and become the man of some good woman's dreams. You have a much brighter future without her in your life. Warm wishes.
I really want to tell her off... bad.

I want to let her know she f***** my head up for 4 weeks and I don't take that lightly. I want her to know that I have tested myself in every way I could think of and still came out feeling like a bad motherf*****.

I don't know how to communicate this to her without making it seem like she got to me. I have been so stupid up until now. I feel great every night when I lay down to bed. Then I dream about my wife and I wake up shaking and puking and I just can't stand it anymore.

In these dreams she says the most awful things about him and her. She leads me around like she used to. She looks at me like I'm completely beneath her notice. I can't take it anymore. I need resolve.

I have considered destroying her s*** that she left here. I don't think this one's a good idea.

I have thought about writing her a message about what I've realized. I doubt it would make a difference.

I have considered ignoring her permanently and that just pisses ME off.

What am I missing here? Reality or what? Thanks guys.

--- ps ---

I have her things, I have changed the locks, I was expecting her to bring divorce papers this week. She's been hitting up my homies for -green stuff- I told them not to, they're loyal and they won't do it.

I doubt she's ever gonna file for this divorce and I think it's hilarious how gung-ho she was about it last week but now that the reality (money, time, effort) has arrived she's not into it. This woman is driving me nuts. I think I'm gonna call her tomorrow and tell her about my son's scores, then tell her that I've realized I fell right into her lies and justifications. Then I'm going to tell her that her stuff will be outside and to text me when she's almost here. I'll keep an eye on it til then. I want my life back, minus ten years if that's what I have to do.

Last edited by StoicHusband; 13th January 2018 at 3:11 AM..
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Old 13th January 2018, 5:40 AM   #70
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You should file and the best way to deal with her is your <silence>
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Old 13th January 2018, 6:01 AM   #71
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StoicHusband View Post

In these dreams she says the most awful things about him and her. She leads me around like she used to. She looks at me like I'm completely beneath her notice. I can't take it anymore. I need resolve.

I have considered destroying her s*** that she left here. I don't think this one's a good idea.

I have thought about writing her a message about what I've realized. I doubt it would make a difference.
The message stuff seems pointless. I did do NC for three month with my 12 years wife after her leaving for another guy and recently, i did talk to her, but she's still in the same state of mind.

They doesn't see how much they hurt you. They doesn't see how bad they do for you, kiddos, and everyone around. And i don't even think they care.

The best way is NC, no talk, nothing and let them do whatever they want.

It's crazy because she come back to me sometimes and it's always for some money issues.

And she even ask me recently if she can "still be in my tax" too, less trouble for her ... I don't even know in which world do they live ?!

I have also considered destroying our wedding pictures with some fire and posting it on facebook but it seems so childish

Last edited by BrokeInside; 13th January 2018 at 6:04 AM..
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Old 13th January 2018, 8:32 AM   #72
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Hi stoic, you have to stop giving her space in your mind. As long as you keep letting her into your thoughts you will keep suffering from these nightmarish dreams and thoughts. One way to achieve that is to forgive her (actually means forgiving yourself) because forgiving means letting go of her and her baggage and you will free yourself of your emotional link to her. You may also need some intensive IC to help you get over this.

Keep up your good work with your son and also on yourself. Regarding your wife's stuff let her come and take it away and if she is being tardy about it just send her a reminder. You should also file for divorce for which you should consult a lawyer, get to know your rights and what your liabilities are going to be. Get all your stuff organized before you file. Once she is served her tune will change and she is likely to come banging on your door asking for reconciliation. You will have to prepare yourself for a war mentally speaking and get all your defences in place. There is an axiom in the military which states that "The best form of defence is offence"! Remember this when things get nasty. Wish you the best for the future.
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Old 14th January 2018, 3:11 AM   #73
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Rise above it! DO NOT ever show emotion around her and whatever you do, don't go blasting her with a war of words. You are the bigger and better person here and have the power.

Let the anger pass through you, don't hang onto it and don't dwell on it. She's gone and you're free and single. You have your son and he adores/loves you. He knows you're the stable parent to rely on.

Join a gym and put that energy into a punching bag or a good workout.
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Old 14th January 2018, 5:38 PM   #74
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She started texting my son today. He had finally stopped asking about her. I had to cut off contact.

I wanted to post the conversation here. I feel like it went ok. She was emotional, I wasn't I didn't rise to any argument she tried to start. I made myself clear and she's coming to get her stuff today.

While I hope it's not the end for us, I had to close the door before we could ever have a future.

Code:
ME: I'm not so sure this is a good idea. He said to me after the night that you called. "She was my -
mom-" and he's asked about you almost every night, he finally stopped after school tests on Friday. He's tore
up about this.
He did really good on tests, scored above grade level

ME:I just want him to have stability.

HER:So having no mom is more the stability you want for him?

ME:If only I can give him stability then that's what I have to do. This isn't easy. I put him to bed and he'd call ME:
two hours later asking about you. He's finally getting sleep and he starts school tomorrow. I don't think he
can be friends after living with you for almost 4 years.
I am in the dark here, but I think he and I need time on this.

HER:Fine

Have you asked him what he wants?

ME:He's 12. He depended on us. Now he depends on me. I can't set the expectation of people coming and
going from his life when it's convenient. I'm doing the best I can with all of this. Do you think it's easy?
You're still acting like I'm angry. Like I'm lashing out. I just want my son to be able to go to bed without crying.

HER:I know it's not. I just feel like the damage is done, and he can still benefit from me.

ME:No. I've mitigated the damage. I've told him every night for three weeks that you are just doing what will
make you happiest.
I've moved mountains for my son and you never saw it that way. You listened to people judging us from
outside the situation. They don't have to deal with the consequences of your divorce. We do.

ME:You know I valued you as a parent to him even when you withheld your input.

HER:You seriously think it's best that I just cut off all contact with him?

ME:I think I can be all he needs if I have to be. If you saw what I've seen this month firsthand you'd be making
similar decisions. You've made your choices and now I have to make mine.
What I think is best was always of little consequence to you.
I'd like it if you could still be in his contacts as an emergency number. You're listed at his school as such.
I am a good Dad, HER. I won't let anyone change my mind about that again. This was about you, not me. I
see that now.
When I got his test results it all became very clear. That, coupled with the fact that he and I haven't had any
problems since a week or so before you left.
This isn't easy. It's just a fact of life I suppose. He needs to know that he can depend on his parents, even if
he only has one.

HER:You don't have to be all he needs, though. And what about what he WANTS? Did you ask him or not? He's
old enough to decide if he wants to see me.
What do you think the outcome will be if I spend time with him?

ME:I do, HER. And while he may be old enough to decide what he wants, he's not old enough to decide what is
best for him.
It is not best to teach him that people are temporary fixtures in his life, he's had enough of that.
He is looking to me for how he should respond and I've shown him well.
You said I'm not the type of father you want for your kids. I don't want my kids to think their mother can just
run from her problems. I'm not perfect, but I am always changing, hopefully for the better.
The outcome of your phone call was a week of nightmares, lost sleep, tears and painful conversations. I
would expect the same from you spending time with him. Understand that is why I've come to this
conclusion.

HER:You realize you are making me a temporary fixture, right? I still want to be apart of his life, and YOU are
talking that away. I think he's gonna resent you for that.

ME:This wasn't my decision. What have I done to make that so hard for you to understand? This affair is a
choice you are making every day.

HER:It's not an affair. We're not together. We're only married on paper. It's not like I'm coming back to
you...

ME:Then how is this my decision? I've moved on. I want the same for my son now.

HER:Fine. I need to come get my stuff. Maybe later today with my dad. That okay?

ME:Let me know, I'll put it outside.
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Old 16th January 2018, 3:20 PM   #75
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Would like to hear what people think of that convo posted in last post...

I'm analyzing like crazy. I felt good about it and I really think I had to do it, I worry that she feels like I only said these things because I am angry or something.

After that, we talked on the phone and I told her "I wasn't trying to get at you in the messages" and she sounded like she understood... Am I tripping?
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