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wife is staying with friends - says she's "done"


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Old 2nd February 2018, 9:43 PM   #151
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Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Like most she's in the excitement of having another man. With that going on you aren't a second thought. She wants you completely out of the way so there is zero interference.

You can't do anything about that. Upfront had you found out what was going on you may have been able to use exposure to break the affair. Make no mistake she has been in this all along they didn't just meet up or were friends before.

Unless that ends with her other man you are just living on hope like a lot do.

That won't get you much. You're best corse of action is hard no contact. Only the strong can pull this off.
Thanks Marc. I pretty much figured this, too. I'm being realistic, both about where I am and where she's at.

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Here is the thing. It does not matter. And you have to understand that she is gone, gone, gone.

In the end it just does not matter, she is with her other man, and you need to let her be.
I realize that too, It's just a loose end like I say, keeping me in circles in my head. Idk why I don't listen to my better judgement on this crap.

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If you are asking did the conversation help or hurt your cause. Maybe helped, and you need to keep doing that. Not because you are trying to get her back, but because you don't want her back.
I apprecate hearing this. It's difficult to even talk to her on the phone. I'd hate to think it went sideways on me when I finally managed to do so, whatever my endgame is here.

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Let me tell you what will probably happen. You continue to get yourself together. No internet troll, is that is your thread, now anger, no begging no moping around.
Yeah, that was me, the troll. It really fueled negativity or was the byproduct of same. Idk which came first there honestly. Whatever it is I ditched anything negative:

I've stopped any behavior that is in any way like that at all. (Saying "I hate (this or that)", "I can't stand (whatever)", I'm doing the speed limit in my car to avoid getting in a hurry)
I've stopped hating on Christians, even joined a church, tho I'm not ready to say I have "faith".
I've stopped arguing politics... when people bring it up I say "I don't even know anymore". unfollowed/unliked 100s of pages on fb, the result being I hardly get on there except to talk to friends.
I've contacted the few family I have here, rebuilt friendships.

I haven't begged, I haven't moped, I've kept busy, I've started being more hygeinic...

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And let's say that you start dating a few girl. You band a couple, you get the job done, they want to see you again, bla, bla, bla.

So you date a while because you are moving on with your life. By this time the OM probably has dumped her by now, and she is sniffing around you, good old Plan B guy.

So one day, it will be obvious that she is really thinking about getting with you. By this time you probably have a girl that is an upgrade in everyway.

Hotter, better sex, not a cheater, not crazy. So you are telling me that you would leave that for your crazy, horrible, cheating in the worst way, wife.

If you did that I think we would all hunt you down and beat you about the head and neck (Joke folks). LOL

Get where I am coming from?
I suppose that is possible. And I guess what's keeping me from getting it thru my head is the thought that I won't find that person you describe. I have a hard time making friends, the friends I do have are losers. Their women are all fat, nasty skanks that really have no business in the gene pool.

I worry about where/when/how I will make friends or meet women. I suppose that will come with money, time, etc... Which should be my focus now.

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Here is a little story for you. When I finally told my ExW that we were done, I went out to my local club. my kids were playing that night and I wanted to support them, so I go. Well she decides to bring one of her GF's for moral support and to watch the kids.

During the whole night I must have had, about 5 different women came by and say hi and visit, leaving with a kiss. So I am just taking all of this in knowing that my friends told all of them that I was free.

She was fuming. Tried to talk to me and I ignored her and kept enjoying myself. I did not take anyone home that night.

The next day she goes off on me. My only response was, "What did you expect?"

She did not say another word...
I admire your success. I would really love to instant message you sometime. I have about a billion questions and honestly, you're kinda becoming a role-model for me in all this.

Do you have the ability to private message on here? I'd purchase premium just for that, honestly. (actually, I just tried, it's not working) You are where I wanna be someday. I have a hard time picturing the path from here to there, though.

Last edited by StoicHusband; 2nd February 2018 at 9:46 PM..
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Old 2nd February 2018, 9:56 PM   #152
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I am no role model...

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I admire your success. I would really love to instant message you sometime. I have about a billion questions and honestly, you're kinda becoming a role-model for me in all this.
I am no role model... understand that.

Brother, I went through 7 kinds of hell for 26 years. Some of it, if it is possible, may be worse that what you are going through.

I wanted to keep my family together, wanted to fix my wife, and I learned my lesson.

Why do you think everyone here has been trying to get you where you are at now. Because we have lived it and worse.

No man, I was a fool, the only thing I did right was come out the other side fairly intact.

And it took a lot to get here...
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Old 2nd February 2018, 10:09 PM   #153
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I've seen this several times. You get to make your own life.

Join a gym start working out, get in great shape . Get a new wardrobe, haircut, etc.

Strength is a midset and anyone can do it. You are spending too much time on what she's doing when you should be making your own way.

I've know at least 3 or 4 others that came away with a better life.

The only one that can keep you down and in this mess IS YOU.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 10:31 PM   #154
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I am no role model... understand that.

Brother, I went through 7 kinds of hell for 26 years. Some of it, if it is possible, may be worse that what you are going through.

I wanted to keep my family together, wanted to fix my wife, and I learned my lesson.

Why do you think everyone here has been trying to get you where you are at now. Because we have lived it and worse.

No man, I was a fool, the only thing I did right was come out the other side fairly intact.

And it took a lot to get here...
Whatever it took, that experience has made you invaluable to me. You may not ever realize how much so.

I don't think it'll take me 27 years, but life is funny that way, you never know. I'm making the best of all of you guys' advice. It's difficult as I'm sure you know.

I don't have much life experience. I feel like I've been in a coma for ten years. The world has changed, I'm brand new. I like it and hate it. I am just not sure where to start.

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I've seen this several times. You get to make your own life.

Join a gym start working out, get in great shape . Get a new wardrobe, haircut, etc.

Strength is a midset and anyone can do it. You are spending too much time on what she's doing when you should be making your own way.

I've know at least 3 or 4 others that came away with a better life.

The only one that can keep you down and in this mess IS YOU.
I basically own a gym, lol. Been working out, feels good. I probably need to find work, can't afford a new wardrobe, etc. I've gotten a few new things, but hey it's a start. I have no hair, I always shave my head... maybe time to grow it and get a fresh 'do.

I had to develop the strength mindset when she left. I refused to let my son see me flop. I won't breakdown. Not when he is depending on me.

I do need to focus less on her. It's just like every quiet moment she is there, in my head. I try so hard but there are so many quiet moments now it's not funny. I need more money. I think a second job would do me good. Lots to consider.

I have lifted myself up pretty well, everyone I know says so. I can't help feeling like I just have no reason tho, it's all so empty. I know I have my son, and I'm setting a good example... but I have always wanted a family. She left a big hole.

I don't even know if I want her back so much anymore, so much as I want a woman, any woman, lol. Bad tact to take... I'm gonna give it time.

No substances, no women, just me.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 10:37 PM   #155
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For now at this time it needs to be all about you. You'll be fine as long as you keep a hard no contact policy in place.

If you can't do that you'll just stay in this.

And there is nothing in it for you.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 10:42 PM   #156
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For now at this time it needs to be all about you. You'll be fine as long as you keep a hard no contact policy in place.

If you can't do that you'll just stay in this.

And there is nothing in it for you.
Been NC for a long time. The biggest problems come when she messages me out of nowhere over petty ****. which she does every 3-4 days, sometimes at most a week.

If it's not weed, (which is gone), it's vape juice, (hard "no"), if it's not that it's my son's appointments, if not, divorce papers, etc.

I have asked her not to contact me, she is playing games. I've had to change how I respond, basically, which is usually not at all.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 10:54 PM   #157
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Been NC for a long time. The biggest problems come when she messages me out of nowhere over petty ****. which she does every 3-4 days, sometimes at most a week.

If it's not weed, (which is gone), it's vape juice, (hard "no"), if it's not that it's my son's appointments, if not, divorce papers, etc.

I have asked her not to contact me, she is playing games. I've had to change how I respond, basically, which is usually not at all.
The perfect response unless it's kid or business is "no response".

Make sure you block her, family and friends on any social media you have.

You can also block her calls and just communicate by text or email.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 10:55 PM   #158
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The economy is good. Time for a new job or career!!!!!
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Old 2nd February 2018, 11:24 PM   #159
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The perfect response unless it's kid or business is "no response".

Make sure you block her, family and friends on any social media you have.

You can also block her calls and just communicate by text or email.
I also meant to say how I react... not just respond. I don't usually respond.

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The economy is good. Time for a new job or career!!!!!
You're sure right. Never been a better time.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 11:31 PM   #160
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You can also block her calls and just communicate by text or email.
That is counter to what I want actually. I have considered the opposite.

The most infuriating thing about communicating with her is how she is constantly projecting her emotions onto my words.

SHE feels guilty, SHE is angry, SHE is begging for a reason to make this ok...

So every single message I send she reads it as angry/begging/guilty...

She's trying to make me the bad guy, standard cheating ****. I won't let her. That's what made me so happy about the call today. I was strictly business and she ****ing noticed.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 7:59 AM   #161
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A yes or no is enough in most cases
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Old 3rd February 2018, 5:21 PM   #162
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A yes or no is enough in most cases
In those cases a message is fine and that's what we've done.

Have you ever talked to a woman before? (joking) yes/no scenarios are rare with my STBXW
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Old 3rd February 2018, 6:22 PM   #163
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In those cases a message is fine and that's what we've done.

Have you ever talked to a woman before? (joking) yes/no scenarios are rare with my STBXW
You control your phone she doesn't. You can control yourself.

Pickups/drop offs can be a five minute exercise with zero engagement. I know of three others who do this quite well.

If you don't have kids together it's even simpler.

It may seem awkward upfront but how awkward was it when she left you for her other man?

You don't owe her ****. So just cut her out. The only one who can keep you in the drama is you.

Last edited by Marc878; 3rd February 2018 at 6:24 PM..
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Old 4th February 2018, 2:20 AM   #164
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You control your phone she doesn't. You can control yourself.

Sorry dude, I'm sick of the way she treats me in text. I'm not doing text anymore. I think you're focusing on the wrong issue here, thanks for the replies tho. I mean that. I understand it's easy to get the wrong idea at a glance. You're just not posting things that apply very well. Maybe I haven't made myself clear, could be my fault partially.


Pickups/drop offs can be a five minute exercise with zero engagement. I know of three others who do this quite well.

If you don't have kids together it's even simpler.

We don't.


It may seem awkward upfront but how awkward was it when she left you for her other man?

It wasn't at all (awkward), really... It kinda explained everything. I suppose it's my ability to handle rational thought and a high opinion of myself that made it that way, but it just wasn't.

It hurt, yeah, but in the end... she ****ed up, not me. "Awkward" means hard to deal with. I honestly had little trouble with it.


You don't owe her ****. So just cut her out. The only one who can keep you in the drama is you.

We have soooo many details of our lives that are intertwined at this point. For instance today was taxes, if she turned that into an argument it could have cost me a lot of money. (which she would have done in text.) So please stop attacking me about this.
Thanks for the advice tho, seriously. You in a bad mood today or something?
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Old 4th February 2018, 2:34 AM   #165
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That is counter to what I want actually. I have considered the opposite.

The most infuriating thing about communicating with her is how she is constantly projecting her emotions onto my words.

SHE feels guilty, SHE is angry, SHE is begging for a reason to make this ok...

So every single message I send she reads it as angry/begging/guilty...

She's trying to make me the bad guy, standard cheating ****. I won't let her. That's what made me so happy about the call today. I was strictly business and she ****ing noticed.
That is how she interprets your words so be it! You're not doing what she is accusing you of so either ignore her attempts to manipulate you and ruin your day or add a manual smile (colon and bracket) not an actual emoticon. Hope that makes sense. It'll at least lighten words and maybe she won't take what you say and put her own spin on it.

either way you can't control her reactions, you know she is trying to mess with your head. Learn to not care what she thinks or feels. Pretend until it just happens.
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