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wife is staying with friends - says she's "done"


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Old 29th January 2018, 3:11 PM   #136
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I do believe it. Only because I have tried every day of my life to be that. I had a bad start and only bad examples in life. On my own at 14, into drugs, theft, etc... cleaned up at 16-17 (still used) then had my son at 18 (gave up using and started becoming what I am now.)
Bravo! Good man.

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Thing is: yesterday was the best day I've had since she was gone. I woke up feeling good, no dreams, I went to church, it sucked (just a bad week to go, no sermon) then I left church and cruised with my son. It was awesome.

Did some shopping with him, skipped rocks at the lake, went and got drinks at 711, then went back to church for a "religion and science" meeting that was stimulating enough. I got home at 10 and he was enjoying his Youtube. He had a good night or so he said.
If he said he had a good night/day, I'm sure he did. He got some quality time with dear ol' dad.

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Then as I put him to bed he started asking about her. I became angry, I didn't mean to. I just felt discouraged I was ok with it at first but as the questions went in a circle again I started to get pissed because I wanted to come upstairs and write.
Normal. You got hit with "two-pronged" anger. You are already rather miffed at what your ex has done to you, but now you got to see up close and personal the hurt that she has caused to your son. Your reaction of getting angry was because of that. His understanding of what took place is miles behind yours, and his questions are just him trying to process at his pace.

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Then I came up, talked to my sister, she was able to make me feel better about my slip-up with him. These things DO happen to the best of parents...
Yes, they do. And try not to beat yourself up over it. You're carrying a hell of a load trying to work through the mess that has become of your life based on a decision you had no part of. You're trying to play the hand of cards you were dealt, and there will be times where you get extremely frustrated because you know down deep what it is that you want, but you're no longer in a spot with your ex to have it. It's tough, and it hurts.

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Woke up this morning after having a dream about just holding her. That's what I miss most of all. I just want someone to be close to.
Yeah, I remember those mornings and that feeling. Let me know when you start analyzing every single argument you ever had with her or want to have with her while you're in the shower. [/QUOTE]

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Anyway: It is starting to seem like he really does need a relationship with her, or at least that's what I think. He has now lost two moms. One to drugs and one to infidelity. I don't want him to hate women. I don't know how I can proceed with her on this.
Depending on how he sees you act and or talk about your exes will determine how he feels about women. You do not in any way shape or form strike me as someone that is going to project onto him to hate women. On the contrary, I think he will be someone that looks to solve issues based on his questioning of you.

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I need to get with her and sign papers, I need to talk to her about him. The problem is any conversation turns to argument on text and I DON'T trust myself in a phone call and MUCH LESS in person.

Not sure how to proceed, I'm sure it will come to me. I just feel messed up today, but hey, it's only been an hour so far. lol
Be very, very, very careful regarding allowing her and your son to interact. Right now your ex is not someone in the right frame of mind to interact with your boy. He is going to question her the same as he questions you and with her habit of projection as most cheaters do while in the throws of a new relationship, you're playing with fire.
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Old 30th January 2018, 1:39 AM   #137
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Bravo! Good man.

Thank you.


If he said he had a good night/day, I'm sure he did. He got some quality time with dear ol' dad.

Yeah, I know he had a blast. It's just that the fun triggered thoughts of her, that frightens me. He said he wishes that she was there and I understand that, hell, so do I to a point. But it's as if we can't have fun without him bringing her up... I'm rushing it. I just want to stop talking about her lol.

I'll be ok.


Normal. You got hit with "two-pronged" anger. You are already rather miffed at what your ex has done to you, but now you got to see up close and personal the hurt that she has caused to your son. Your reaction of getting angry was because of that. His understanding of what took place is miles behind yours, and his questions are just him trying to process at his pace.

Thanks, that's about what I figured. I tried to catch myself and cool down, answer his questions. I told him right away... "I'm saying things I don't mean, tell me your questions and I can help you understand."

Yes, they do. And try not to beat yourself up over it. You're carrying a hell of a load trying to work through the mess that has become of your life based on a decision you had no part of. You're trying to play the hand of cards you were dealt, and there will be times where you get extremely frustrated because you know down deep what it is that you want, but you're no longer in a spot with your ex to have it. It's tough, and it hurts.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I absolutely feel like she has made a huge mistake. And when I look at it objectively... I feel the same. I know how this ends for her. It can't work. I don't understand why she has done this. It seems like she lost her effing mind.
I wish so badly that she'd see that and try to come home. But she won't. I know that. I'm just trying to move on and it seems like I always have two minds on the subject.


Yeah, I remember those mornings and that feeling. Let me know when you start analyzing every single argument you ever had with her or want to have with her while you're in the shower.

Every time it happens I wake up and punch the bed and fly out, get dressed and go to work outside. It's the only thing that makes me feel better about it. I don't care about her anymore and that upsets me also. I'll be fine without her and that upsets me too. I don't care... That's upsetting. Two minds.


Depending on how he sees you act and or talk about your exes will determine how he feels about women. You do not in any way shape or form strike me as someone that is going to project onto him to hate women. On the contrary, I think he will be someone that looks to solve issues based on his questioning of you.

I have been very good about it. I don't want him to hate people. I just want him to know when to move on.


Be very, very, very careful regarding allowing her and your son to interact. Right now your ex is not someone in the right frame of mind to interact with your boy. He is going to question her the same as he questions you and with her habit of projection as most cheaters do while in the throws of a new relationship, you're playing with fire.

I don't think it's a good idea. You're right, she'd just project and make it all about me. I'm a good guy and I don't need someone trying to change his mind on the matter.
Thank you for your reply. Thanks to anyone else who has thoughts on it.

So, today I did the dumb **** and looked at her wall. She posted up a pic with the new dude. He has weak facial features, receding hairline, doublechin, and she's way too good-looking for him. lol

She's showing signs of age that I never noticed before. I am able to see her faults and it is very nice lol. I am getting better about it. I am no longer afraid to confront him if I have to. They used a filter on the pic. I'm kinda laughing out loud about it.

Let her have this dude. She will see that she ****ed up. I don't even give a ****. I'm gonna work on me and be happy with my boy, it's our time to shine.

I need to find a way to leave her behind. I'm so worried that I won't be able to. My "other mind" still wants to leave this at a good spot with her. I'm stuck right now and that's why I haven't contacted her about the papers.
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Old 30th January 2018, 3:05 AM   #138
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I didn't read all the details, but I was going to comment first

Your son is the most important thing so treat him well.

He is now your treasure, it's up to you to destroy that treasure or protect it and make it shine even more.


and I was going to say, your wife left you and changed her name on Facebook because of some other guy, but then I saw that you wrote she already found someone else and you figured it all out.

I don't know about everything else, but I do believe you can do it.

You can be a great father and later on a great husband to the right woman.

Don't lose yourself and don't despair!

Ps: block her on Facebook!
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Old 30th January 2018, 12:06 PM   #139
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I didn't read all the details, but I was going to comment first

Your son is the most important thing so treat him well.

He is now your treasure, it's up to you to destroy that treasure or protect it and make it shine even more.


and I was going to say, your wife left you and changed her name on Facebook because of some other guy, but then I saw that you wrote she already found someone else and you figured it all out.

I don't know about everything else, but I do believe you can do it.

You can be a great father and later on a great husband to the right woman.

Don't lose yourself and don't despair!

Ps: block her on Facebook!
I do intend to, I just don't want it to seem "reactionary".

I'm gonna get with her sometime this week and sign the papers. I've realized there's no way back and that's hitting me hard. I don't wish she'd come home anymore. I just wish this never happened.

Surely some good will come of it. Just sucks because now ten years has passed and everything is different. I need to figure out how to date, I never had to. And now it's more complicated (and expensive) than ever it seems.
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Old 30th January 2018, 12:09 PM   #140
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No it really is not...

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Originally Posted by StoicHusband View Post
I do intend to, I just don't want it to seem "reactionary".

I'm gonna get with her sometime this week and sign the papers. I've realized there's no way back and that's hitting me hard. I don't wish she'd come home anymore. I just wish this never happened.

Surely some good will come of it. Just sucks because now ten years has passed and everything is different. I need to figure out how to date, I never had to. And now it's more complicated (and expensive) than ever it seems.
No it really is not...

That really is the least of your worries. What you need to worry about when you get to that stage, is not to jump off a cliff with the first thru fifth woman that you are with.

And don't date to soon, heal up, feel good, look good, they will come...
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Old 30th January 2018, 12:48 PM   #141
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No it really is not...

That really is the least of your worries. What you need to worry about when you get to that stage, is not to jump off a cliff with the first thru fifth woman that you are with.

And don't date to soon, heal up, feel good, look good, they will come...
I'm probably over-analyzing. Reading **** that is working me up.

I think I will take time to heal. Hopefully what I'm looking for will come my way before I have to even look. I just want a woman who likes to be home, with each other. I really don't enjoy going out. I can, I just usually don't.

Thanks BluesPower. You've been a big help.
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Old 1st February 2018, 11:56 AM   #142
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Figured out why I haven't signed the papers

I have shared everything with her for ten years. We really were closer than most couples you may know. We spent every moment together and we shared everything. Most people do not do this. Not even in marriage.

I realize it may not have been healthy, it definitely is what led us to this point.

I feel this way and I want to tell her before I sign:
When I set eyes on her the entire world fell away; The woman I was with before, my work, my family, my friends, everything else was seemingly an obstacle preventing me from spending time with her.

I realize now that I need both and I'm rebuilding my career, my family connections, my relationships with friends, and rediscovering my interests.

I realize she is with someone else who makes her happy right now and eventually I hope I find the same, but, I also feel like I don't want to be written off and I can't write her off either.

Everything she wanted for us is now happening without her. I just wish I could share it with her.

My son and I get along better, I've eased up on him, after all, he won't be living MY life so why was I trying to prepare him for that? He just needs to be a kid and I've learned that from my wife and from a dear friend I've reconnected with who came from a similar background and had similar problems/tried similar with her daughter. We both discussed it and decided to ease up.

I feel no anxiety when I go out. I have been enjoying myself outside the house, just like my wife wanted to do with me.

I realize now why she felt like she had to find happiness elsewhere.

I can move on, I just have two minds on the matter. I feel like our old marriage did need to die, I just don't understand why it has to kill our love for each other and any future we could have together.

What I DON'T feel like: I don't feel like I owe an apology, after all, it takes two to make a marriage work and she never communicated with me properly. I don't feel like I deserved to be cheated on or lied to. I don't feel like she would be doing me "a favor" by returning home and working out our problems. Mostly, I don't feel like what she is doing now will make her happy in the long run.

I just don't think I can actually walk away without saying these things.

I appreciate your thoughts, guys. Please understand I am not trying to sound needy, I just woke up and needed to write. Thanks for reading.
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Old 1st February 2018, 12:14 PM   #143
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Originally Posted by StoicHusband View Post
I just don't think I can actually walk away without saying these things.

I think you may be looking for closure, but in my experience, and likely in yours, too, closure is a mirage. It doesn't exist. If we pursue a mirage, it just seems to get farther away.


If you feel compelled to say these things anyway, you absolutely need to be prepared for any outcome, and her rolling her eyes is a far more likely outcome than her getting a tear in one.
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Old 1st February 2018, 1:12 PM   #144
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I think you may be looking for closure....

I think I'm more interested in resolve. As of now I don't feel like I've done all I can do and that she is completely projecting and thinking I'm begging, etc. Which I haven't, and don't intend to.

I just want her to know where I'm at... even though she doesn't care. I'm aware of the reality here.

...be prepared for any outcome, and her rolling her eyes is a far more likely outcome than her getting a tear in one.

That's a given, you're right. Still, hindsight is 20/20. She may not understand now, but she might when **** blows up in her face with this new guy, even though that may be too late.
Thanks for your reply.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 12:21 AM   #145
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Ok, so... Ran into a snag.

It turns out I can't file for the EIC on my son without her, I can but It'd be "single" which I'm legally not. So, if I file jointly, I won't get that credit back (which as anyone knows, if you qualify, you usually need it badly.)

I have to talk to her, but I think it'd work to her benefit too. She might have to pay in if we file separate, and it'd affect her school loans this year.

I called today, was ignored, she texted "What's up" I replied "Call when you can, just taxes" and she said "Will do".

She hasn't called and it's now time for bed. She's playing games. I just want an answer, that way I can file without her and be done with it, or file with her to avoid the mess for both of us.

I really hate that this came up this way. I don't get it. Why does being separated disqualify me for the credits for my son. That seems so counter-intuitive. Complete bs.

Thanks for any advice in handling this, if anyone ever had a similar situation (unlikely) I'd love to hear about it or anything else in the thread you can speak to. I enjoy reading the replies.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 4:10 AM   #146
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I have shared everything with her for ten years. We really were closer than most couples you may know. We spent every moment together and we shared everything. Most people do not do this. Not even in marriage.

I realize it may not have been healthy, it definitely is what led us to this point.
Hi Stoic, after reading what you have written( in quotes) I can only think of the adage 'Familiarity breeds contempt'! I think that even in a relationship as close as a marriage there must be some spaces between partners, if only to maintain some mystery and respect in the eyes of the other, for oneself. When you have exposed yourself completely warts and all, the other may lose respect for you, especially if you yourself do not respect yourself. I think, somewhere along the way your wife lost respect for you and started holding you in contempt. She will only regain respect for you if you cut contact with her completely and do not make any attempt to speak to her. Any sign of your need for her will reinforce her contempt. Let her wonder once she is swamped with radio silence, as to where you are and what you are doing.

Play the game she is playing with you. Do not respond to calls from her or reply to texts from her. Go stone cold silent. Such an action on your part will drive her crazy and she will spend her days wondering where in cyberspace you have disappeared. If she turns up at your place ignore her. Just play cool answer any question she may have and tell her you have to go as you have other plans. Others on here will be able to tell you how to fine tune this procedure so that you can free yourself from her influence. Warm wishes.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 4th February 2018 at 8:06 PM.. Reason: Fix quote
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Old 2nd February 2018, 11:52 AM   #147
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Hi Stoic, after reading what you have written( in quotes) I can only think of the adage 'Familiarity breeds contempt'! I think that even in a relationship as close as a marriage there must be some spaces between partners, if only to maintain some mystery and respect in the eyes of the other, for oneself. When you have exposed yourself completely warts and all, the other may lose respect for you, especially if you yourself do not respect yourself. I think, somewhere along the way your wife lost respect for you and started holding you in contempt. She will only regain respect for you if you cut contact with her completely and do not make any attempt to speak to her. Any sign of your need for her will reinforce her contempt. Let her wonder once she is swamped with radio silence, as to where you are and what you are doing.

Play the game she is playing with you. Do not respond to calls from her or reply to texts from her. Go stone cold silent. Such an action on your part will drive her crazy and she will spend her days wondering where in cyberspace you have disappeared. If she turns up at your place ignore her. Just play cool answer any question she may have and tell her you have to go as you have other plans. Others on here will be able to tell you how to fine tune this procedure so that you can free yourself from her influence. Warm wishes.
I have done so to the best of my ability, there's a lot of loose ends that she turns into arguments in text.

Today I had a breakthru with her.


We needed to talk about the taxes, I explained we would be leaving money on the table if we didn't file jointly this year. "When you're right, you're right" I said, and that seemed to please her (I wasn't one to admit I'm wrong very often). She told me how she was having trouble with getting her w2, some bs with the company she works for.

I asked her if she'd bring me her w2 when she gets it, I'd file, then we can split it three ways (me, her, my son) and I intend to keep my word on that. After all, she was good to us as much as she could be.

I kept my cool, it was a calm conversation, I could hear no averse tone in her voice, she communicated openly. At the end of the call I said "Damn, it seemed like there was something else..." She was patient, which is a new thing so far in this separation/divorce. Then I quickly said "I'm sure it'll come to me."

She said "yeah" in an understanding way, not angrily, and I said "hey, have a good day at work". She said "you too" and it sounded genuine.

This may not seem like much to most people, but given the contentious nature of our communication thus far. It was relieving, if not heartening.

I realize it means nothing, this was business, but it was still nice to handle SOME business without it turning into an argument. I can deal with not being with her, it's more difficult to deal with her constantly treating me like I'm still angry/begging/needy.

I have been changed by this and it was nice to see her speak to the new me, rather than the old one.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 8:46 PM   #148
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That really is the least of your worries.
Hey man, I just had a quick question for you. What I talked about in the last post, what happened I mean... It's left me thinking a lot.

So my question is, does she think about it at all? Does she wonder why I haven't begged? Why I haven't been crushed by this? Does she consider any of this?

I know it's hard to really get a clear picture of who people are on a forum, and I have read tons of other threads on here, even contributed where I felt I had something to add... Thing is, their situations sound, idk, different.

I'm honestly not backsliding I just want your input on it and I wonder if I did myself a service, or if she's just happy that I'm sticking to business.

In the end, I do want to save my marriage and I know I didn't do nearly enough to make it work when she was here. I think I could make the deep, significant changes she needs to see and I am doing them. Will she take notice at all?

Have you ever seen a thread where it turned around for people or do they typically just abandon them and move on with their lives?

I know in the end, these changes are for me. It just feels weird, like, everything that she wanted is now happening and she isn't here. I would think that if she knew, and knew that I intend to persist in these changes, that it would matter.

I realize how this sounds, It's just a loose end in my head, tho. Honestly. Thanks for weighing in.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 9:01 PM   #149
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Like most she's in the excitement of having another man. With that going on you aren't a second thought. She wants you completely out of the way so there is zero interference.

You can't do anything about that. Upfront had you found out what was going on you may have been able to use exposure to break the affair. Make no mistake she has been in this all along they didn't just meet up or were friends before.

Unless that ends with her other man you are just living on hope like a lot do.

That won't get you much. You're best corse of action is hard no contact. Only the strong can pull this off.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 9:09 PM   #150
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OK so don't backslide...

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Originally Posted by StoicHusband View Post
Hey man, I just had a quick question for you. What I talked about in the last post, what happened I mean... It's left me thinking a lot.

So my question is, does she think about it at all? Does she wonder why I haven't begged? Why I haven't been crushed by this? Does she consider any of this?

I know it's hard to really get a clear picture of who people are on a forum, and I have read tons of other threads on here, even contributed where I felt I had something to add... Thing is, their situations sound, idk, different.

I'm honestly not backsliding I just want your input on it and I wonder if I did myself a service, or if she's just happy that I'm sticking to business.

In the end, I do want to save my marriage and I know I didn't do nearly enough to make it work when she was here. I think I could make the deep, significant changes she needs to see and I am doing them. Will she take notice at all?

Have you ever seen a thread where it turned around for people or do they typically just abandon them and move on with their lives?

I know in the end, these changes are for me. It just feels weird, like, everything that she wanted is now happening and she isn't here. I would think that if she knew, and knew that I intend to persist in these changes, that it would matter.

I realize how this sounds, It's just a loose end in my head, tho. Honestly. Thanks for weighing in.
Here is the thing. It does not matter. And you have to understand that she is gone, gone, gone.

In the end it just does not matter, she is with her other man, and you need to let her be.

If you are asking did the conversation help or hurt your cause. Maybe helped, and you need to keep doing that. Not because you are trying to get her back, but because you don't want her back.

Let me tell you what will probably happen. You continue to get yourself together. No internet troll, is that is your thread, now anger, no begging no moping around.

And let's say that you start dating a few girl. You band a couple, you get the job done, they want to see you again, bla, bla, bla.

So you date a while because you are moving on with your life. By this time the OM probably has dumped her by now, and she is sniffing around you, good old Plan B guy.

So one day, it will be obvious that she is really thinking about getting with you. By this time you probably have a girl that is an upgrade in everyway.

Hotter, better sex, not a cheater, not crazy. So you are telling me that you would leave that for your crazy, horrible, cheating in the worst way, wife.

If you did that I think we would all hunt you down and beat you about the head and neck (Joke folks).

Get where I am coming from?

Here is a little story for you. When I finally told my ExW that we were done, I went out to my local club. my kids were playing that night and I wanted to support them, so I go. Well she decides to bring one of her GF's for moral support and to watch the kids.

During the whole night I must have had, about 5 different women came by and say hi and visit, leaving with a kiss. So I am just taking all of this in knowing that my friends told all of them that I was free.

She was fuming. Tried to talk to me and I ignored her and kept enjoying myself. I did not take anyone home that night.

The next day she goes off on me. My only response was, "What did you expect?"

She did not say another word...
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