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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 29th December 2017, 3:05 PM   #16
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I'm sorry things have degenerated to this point. Sounds like she's just in it for the financial support and kids at this point. I think you should get an attorney before you even tell her, get advice of attorney. Don't give her everything, but of course just be fair. Let the attorney give advice on what is fair. Let the attorney tell you how and when to let her know it's over. It's not a divorce exactly, and not sure the laws of your country on "common-law marriage," being that you're not really married but been together so long that you are legally married as far as assets having to be divided. So do see an attorney and get advice on it.

Yes, make a new life. Don't just abandon the kids. Make arrangements so they know you care.

Don't just more to an apartment. Get a house with a fenced yard, put in a dog door, and rescue one adult dog and one puppy, like your user name says.
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Old 30th December 2017, 5:09 AM   #17
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You sound like a lovely man. Stay strong and stay the course. Best of luck to you.
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Old 30th December 2017, 6:33 AM   #18
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I have not gone full NC with her.. so she has messaged me and want some answers so she can start the new year with a clean slate.. seeing her tomorrow and don't know what she wants to ask.

I still am hoping for shared custody of both our fur puppies.. Nakita normally sleeps with me but she's on her last leg.. So NC is not an option.. not that I will want that anyway. Before anyone kick my head..

I've told her I'll always be here for her.. Just not in a romantic sense.. I love her more than she realised and less than she deserve.

Day Two.. I'm sorry regreting my decision but my Mom and friend tells me to be strong and see how I am after 2 months..

For those that's done this..I envy your strength! This is truly one of the hardest thing I'm ever going through. Being away from the one you truly love but knowning she isn't right for you..
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Old 30th December 2017, 6:42 AM   #19
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post
I'm sorry things have degenerated to this point. Sounds like she's just in it for the financial support and kids at this point. I think you should get an attorney before you even tell her, get advice of attorney. Don't give her everything, but of course just be fair. Let the attorney give advice on what is fair. Let the attorney tell you how and when to let her know it's over. It's not a divorce exactly, and not sure the laws of your country on "common-law marriage," being that you're not really married but been together so long that you are legally married as far as assets having to be divided. So do see an attorney and get advice on it.

Yes, make a new life. Don't just abandon the kids. Make arrangements so they know you care.

Don't just more to an apartment. Get a house with a fenced yard, put in a dog door, and rescue one adult dog and one puppy, like your user name says.
Your advise a bit late.. it's been done.

We are considered as de facto.. same rights as married couples. Even if not, I would have done the same..

I've spoken with her. I'll not be getting attorney involved.. please understand.. I am not going to split the asset. After 19 years.. She deserves everything.. I know a few will say that's not helping her.. you can't expect someone able to run by cutting half their legs.. and I'll not going to throw her to sink or swim. Whatever been done.. she's the mother of our child.

she got everything she needs now, perhaps not everything she wants..I hope she will grow with them.

You are right with one thing thought.. I'll be looking in the near future to get a house.. Pickett fences and puppies. Poodle and Dalmatian.. Them beautiful spotty dogs
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Old 30th December 2017, 3:41 PM   #20
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I hope you do keep in touch with your old dog and see to it that it has an easy passing. Best wishes in your new life. Those dogs will make it bearable and assure daily joy despite the pain.
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Old 30th December 2017, 9:40 PM   #21
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I hope you do keep in touch with your old dog and see to it that it has an easy passing. Best wishes in your new life. Those dogs will make it bearable and assure daily joy despite the pain.
Thank you.. I want to but I don't know how often do let me see Nakita. Perhaps I should have waited but what's done is done.

Curious.. had anyone ever broke up and gotten back together after X number of years with their ex.? At this moment..I just want to grow myself as she ya the dominant in the relationship and I can't grow.. I want her to also go alone and realised how pampered she was so hopefully she'll appreciate more what she has..
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Old 31st December 2017, 9:08 AM   #22
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Update
Went to see her today. As mentioned.. I'm not going to go NC.. I have the kids I want to see and anything I can do to soften the hurt.

She started to list out a few things.. Stopped, realised it was counter productive and basically told me beside losing the guy she lived for 20 years, she is now in a position where she doesn't know where she is going to be.

Nothing under her name as I bought everything.. I can tell she didn't believe what I said before and her last experience with divorce was very very nasty.

I told her I just want my clothes.. my PC.. Weights and one of the two stereo. I'll sort everything else to her name.. you can feel the tension in the air disappear and her mood changed.. for her, I think the realisation she isn't getting her world totally removed soften the blow and at least the is no fear that for the next 12 months.. she is going to go thru legal hell.

We both agree we want it amicable.. I've told her there will not be any lawyer involved.. And financially.. I'll still contribute to my kids. They are our kids.. she asked what all of you did.. Why? Told her I'm not like her ex.. whatever happen and has happened.. she is still the mother of our kids.. if there's anything she needs.. I'm here.

And taking advise from a few posters here.. We were tempted for a last good bye sex but decided not to.. unsure if I regret it it but cause she's a damn good lover.

It was good.. We parted as friends for now.. Hope she didn't get mad later down the track and make it worse.
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Old 31st December 2017, 1:47 PM   #23
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IReallyLovePuppies, first of all your username is so cute, it makes me smile. Secondly, I actually admire the way you are handling this and I get where you're coming from. I don't think you are being weak or lacking in self respect just because you want to end this long term in a caring way. I've been there.

My last long term relationship (10yrs) ended because the man I was with had some serious mental and emotional issues and it made our relationship very difficult and unrewarding for me. When I left him I gave him money to get himself a new place as neither of us could afford to keep our place on our own. It's not like I had extra money, I had to go stay with my brother because after I gave my ex money I didn't have enough left over for myself. Over the next year I continued to help my ex as much as I could. He kept our dog but I still paid vet bills, I helped him when he was low on cash, he got sick and needed medication that he couldn't afford so I bought it. I just did whatever I could so that he didn't have to suffer more than necessary.

My family was disgusted that I was still helping someone who had hurt me and who they thought of as undeserving. I had good reasons for helping him and they weren't because I was a sucker or a doormat. For one thing I had a family to turn to but he had nobody. I knew he had mental issues that he couldn't escape from. Yes his issues had caused me great hurt over the years but I got to walk away. He didn't have that option.

I loved him and even though he had used me and taken advantage of me over the years I would have taken no pleasure in kicking him the curb and saying "there you go buddy, you're on your own, sink or swim" I'm not ever going to treat somebody I care about that way. I have to live with myself. He died unexpectently about 2yrs after we broke up. Lung cancer. He was living in another city and he called me to let me know he was dying. I took unpaid time off and immediately went to be with him until he passed. They said he had a about a month to live but he only made it 2 weeks.

In spite of all the hurt and pain he had caused me over the years I always treated him with kindness and compassion and I have zero regrets. I wasn't a sucker or a doormat. I knew I had to take care of myself and that I had to leave him but I got to choose how I was going to leave him. I chose to do it in a way that I could live with. It was as much about me as it was about him. I didn't want to be sick with worry for him, I didnt want to have guilt or regret years down the road.

So I think you should end your long term relationship in whatever way feels right to you. If that means giving your ex the house then so be it. It might sound like a foolish choice to us but you're the one who has to live with your choices. You say that you have been with her for 20yrs and that she was married before you. That would mean she would at least be in her forties now, maybe close to fifty. It's not easy for a woman that age to start over, especially if she has a difficult personality or is not attractive. I think that you are still treating her with kindness and love is admirable. Do this in a way that feels right for you.
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Old 31st December 2017, 8:43 PM   #24
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Anika.. thank you.
You are right.. She is in her late fifties. The are meant nothing as she is always beautiful to me.. she has raised that she's let herself go and for the past week, had taken initiative to improve herself physically.. diet.. Exercise etc.

I'm sorry for what you went through and I hope for someone as kind and gentle, that you've found someone whose similar in soul.. what you did make me want to give you a hug.. things like that balance the world. I've been in the bank for so long and the times I listen to divorce couple fighting over things.. the time they've spend doing it and the money involved, then they winner why they are more broke and unhappy..

May I ask.. How long did it take you before you went back into the dating world, or it just happened? How are you now?

Last edited by IReallyLovePuppies; 31st December 2017 at 8:50 PM..
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Old 31st December 2017, 9:03 PM   #25
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She will surely let you see the dog. You are being very fair to her. I'm glad things are amicable because that does leave the door open in case you both grow from this and find some reason to reconnect down the road.
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Old 31st December 2017, 11:39 PM   #26
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Anika.. thank you.
You are right.. She is in her late fifties. The are meant nothing as she is always beautiful to me.. she has raised that she's let herself go and for the past week, had taken initiative to improve herself physically.. diet.. Exercise etc.

I'm sorry for what you went through and I hope for someone as kind and gentle, that you've found someone whose similar in soul.. what you did make me want to give you a hug.. things like that balance the world. I've been in the bank for so long and the times I listen to divorce couple fighting over things.. the time they've spend doing it and the money involved, then they winner why they are more broke and unhappy..

May I ask.. How long did it take you before you went back into the dating world, or it just happened? How are you now?
My ex passed away 5yrs ago. I took it pretty hard and had to grieve for a couple of years. Then I did some superficial dating that never really went anywhere and now I'm just enjoying being single and doing my own thing. I don't feel like making another emotional investment in another person yet. I'm just enjoying investing time in myself right now. People tend to feel sorry for those of us who are alone, but I'm actually really happy. This is probably the happiest I've ever been. I don't feel alone because I have family and friends and a sweet dog who is a great companion
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Old 31st December 2017, 11:47 PM   #27
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She will surely let you see the dog. You are being very fair to her. I'm glad things are amicable because that does leave the door open in case you both grow from this and find some reason to reconnect down the road.
You are right. She just messaged and asked if I want to spend some time with them today for my birthday.. it's funny, we laughed about the 2 years pact we made and although I know it's hard on her.. She knows I'm always here.

I've told her I'll always care for her and even if I get into a relationship.. The new person will have to accept I still care for the mother of my kids.. I believe that lessen the pain when I told her that.

Anika.. Don't wait too long thought. From reading posts in here..I believe a lot if guys will jump at the chance to get to know you better, do us a favour and don't stay away too long.. cause unlike you.. a lot of gals out there don't deserve a partner so you need to protect us from them!

But I'm glad you are happy
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