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Separated, Forgot birthday


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My wife and I have been married for 11 years and been separated for 10 months now, living in separate places for 8 months. We have a signed legal separation agreement for the division of assets, divorce paperwork filed and we don't talk / communicate very often. I think the last time we spoke was a month ago and I sent her a text a week ago thanking for sending me some paperwork. We are on civil terms, I can say it hasn't been a nightmare divorce yet. Anyway I got a text from her calling me  inconsiderate [ ] I forgot her birthday, after all she's still my Wife. While it's true I did forget her birthday, I try to avoid thinking about her most of the time anyway, I wasn't even planning on sending her a Christmas card or texting her either.

 

This is new territory to me, do you send you ex or soon to be ex Birthday and Christmas cards? Am I a jerk for not remembering her Birthday, or is it unreasonable to expect someone your divorcing to send you greeting cards? Call or Text them? I could understand if we had Children together, but we don't. Is it selfish to just want to the divorce over with and move on with my life. I don't want to have to remember exwife's birthdays, and don't think I should be expected to.

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IMO, being that you are not speaking that often and not in each others lives I don't think it would be appropriate to send a B-day card so forgetting her B-day isn't a big deal...

 

A Christmas card would be okay but not really necessary.. After all Christmas is the time for new beginnings.

 

If she was ill you would send her a get well card, she is still your wife after all but nothing should be sent with any other idea other than wishing them well..

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I am shocked you forgot her bday. I'd love to forget my ex's bday. But I think she's crazy for acting like youre obligated to recognize it. She's really not still your wife in emotional terms while you're waiting for the divorce to become final. I think she wants you to want her and you shouldn't encourage that.

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I don't think you're in the wrong here. Is getting bent out of shape about stuff pretty normal for her?

 

I think she's resentful I ended the marriage, that's she's now 50, is alone now, not what she was expecting her life to be at her age. I think I gave her more than enough opportunities to make some changes and save the Marriage, but she refused. I'm not blameless here, but I've had enough, been unhappy too long, it's time to move on.

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Well, no two people live by the same rules, I guess. I think maybe you not acknowledging her birthday may be a sign that she's more interested in reconciliation than you are, so I really just think it's time you had the talk and told her nicely that you make a conscious effort to not think about her and hence why no card, etc. But make it clear to her that you are looking forward to the conclusion of the divorce and aren't going to reconcile so she will be able to stop wavering and just move on. Good luck. Divorce is just sad and usually unpleasant. Try to keep it civil.

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My exes birthday is not important to me. You owe her nothing. It's not surprising she still expects to get something out of you though. Ignore her.

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I think she's resentful I ended the marriage, that's she's now 50, is alone now, not what she was expecting her life to be at her age. I think I gave her more than enough opportunities to make some changes and save the Marriage, but she refused. I'm not blameless here, but I've had enough, been unhappy too long, it's time to move on.

 

Let me guess, your wife cheated. You don't need to answer that, but it sounds like the selfish rambling of a cheater who is upset that you appear to be moving on with out her. It's her birthday after all, by gosh you should be all glitter and rainbows.

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Hi Gromit, so are there any updates? When do you expect your divorce to be final? Is your stbxw going to let things proceed amicably or has she already made it ugly? If you have a back story, then I'm sorry I have'nt read it. If you have'nt posted anything before this then some back story will help. Warm wishes.

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Hi Gromit, so are there any updates? When do you expect your divorce to be final?

 

I expect the divorce to be finalize by Feb. 2018 at the latest. Overall the divorce has been fairly painless, on the money side of things I didn't fair as well as I wanted to, but it's wasn't worth hiring a lawyer to fight over a few thousand dollars.

 

In the separation agreement, she got the SUV worth around 12k (just finished getting paid off), and I got the car which has a 7k loan balance. I gave her a 6k cash payment for the differences in our 401k/IRA/Pension balances, she agrees not to make any claims to them. She keeps her business, I surrender all claims it. Even though I probably spent around 25k helping her start it. We sold our house, but I had to borrow 9k from my parents to settle the mortgage lien obligation, none of which she is responsible for. Credit card debt that is in our names will stay in our names, we really never had a joint credit cards. And I agreed to kick in $750 to pay 1/2 for a lawyer to do all the paperwork. I also shouldered the full costs of paying the mortgage and house expenses after she moved out for a good 6 months til it sold, no help from her. In short, cost me roughly 30k, on the bright side of things, once the house was sold, send Sept. 1st, I was able to quickly pay off 9k in credit card debt and I paid $6,100 on the car loan. I had to take a hardship withdraw on my IRA to the tune of 30k to pay back my parents, had withheld 15k for the taxes. Starting the new year I'll have no debt, great credit, and be soon be divorced to boot. I may have to pay a few thousand when I file taxes, but I can finally save some money now. Living with my parents for 6 months till I can get a good 20 or 30k saved before I get my own apartment, while I can move out sooner, I want a nice cushion to fall back on.

 

The lawyer made her think that our divorce was a complicated divorce and she be better off paying him to do it than doing it ourselves. Not sure what was complicated about it, no house, no children, no alimony, and we pretty much verbally agreed to a separation agreement before she contacted him.

Edited by AngryGromit
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Well seeing as she was the one who left you, cheated on you, you don't owe her a happy birthday message. The marriage is over.

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I got a text from her calling me an inconsiderate ******* I forgot her birthday

There is only one thing I would respond to that. "I didn't forget".

 

You shouldn't actually send that of course, it would just make a fight and not achieve anything. But it's amusing to think how mad it would make her if you did.

 

The best thing to do is be the bigger man and completely ignore her toys-out-of-pram incident. Don't communicate with her at all, unless it is directly to do with the technicalities of the divorce.

 

As for your question of is it normal to send greeting cards etc. Well if you still get along with your ex and are "friends" then yes. If you don't want to remain friends (and why on earth would you, you are divorcing and have no kids) then no.

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Silly question, but did you send her a Christmas Card/text/email?

 

I sent her a Merry Christmas text and she replied with the same. Until the divorce is final, it's in my best interest not pissing her off.

 

Well seeing as she was the one who left you, cheated on you, you don't owe her a happy birthday message. The marriage is over.

 

While it's true she cheated on me and left the first time, I left the second time. She would have liked to continue the marriage, after all she deserves to enjoy travel and enjoy life at this point in her life. This was a pretty common theme in our marriage, I worked hard all my life, I deserve a big beautiful house (that we could barely afford, also she brought nothing but debt into the marriage, all the savings we had was from me ), This is our first New Years together, I deserve a expensive celebration, I deserve this, I deserve that. The self entitlement really got old after while. While she did earn a good living, she even made more than me at one point, she spend it quicker than she earned it. Life before marriage, I saved over 150k in my 401k, had a house, 25k in the bank, paid off car and zero debt. Life after Marriage, no saving, two car loans, a $2,800 a month mortgage payment, 20k in Credit Card debt at one point.

Edited by AngryGromit
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AngryGrommet many of us that have gone thru the experience of divorce and we can identify with you. I to was married narcissistic me me me self entitled princess. My divorce was very expensive.

 

The old question and answer stands true in my opinion. Do you know why divorces cost so much? Because they are worth it.

 

If the aftermath after the bad marriage and the final divorce is anything like mine, your life will sky rocket straight up with a high level of happiness and peace.

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My wife and I have been married for 11 years and been separated for 10 months now, living in separate places for 8 months. We have a signed legal separation agreement for the division of assets, divorce paperwork filed and we don't talk / communicate very often. I think the last time we spoke was a month ago and I sent her a text a week ago thanking for sending me some paperwork. We are on civil terms, I can say it hasn't been a nightmare divorce yet. Anyway I got a text from her calling me an inconsiderate ******* I forgot her birthday, after all she's still my Wife. While it's true I did forget her birthday, I try to avoid thinking about her most of the time anyway, I wasn't even planning on sending her a Christmas card or texting her either.

 

This is new territory to me, do you send you ex or soon to be ex Birthday and Christmas cards? Am I a jerk for not remembering her Birthday, or is it unreasonable to expect someone your divorcing to send you greeting cards? Call or Text them? I could understand if we had Children together, but we don't. Is it selfish to just want to the divorce over with and move on with my life. I don't want to have to remember exwife's birthdays, and don't think I should be expected to.

 

Its not about you forgetting her birthday, she still has feelings for you, and she is using the birthday as a justification for the separation. She is obviously thinking she made a mistake, and the birthday gave her the justification she needed to convince herself that she didn't make a mistake. Try being in my shoes, separated, but having nightly sex, and still living in the same house, it sucks!

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My divorce was very expensive.

 

 

She has a vested interest in keeping divorce expenses low, she's self employed with a business, an expensive divorce would cause her a serious financial hardship, and it's not like I'm a millionaire she can suck dry.

 

Its not about you forgetting her birthday, she still has feelings for you ....

 

And I still have feeling for her, just not enough to get overlook her lack of interest in my sexual needs and desires.

Edited by AngryGromit
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  • 1 year later...
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AngryGromit

A quick follow up to this, finally got divorced April 1st, her lawyer screwed up some paperwork which delayed things. After which I took a new job and moved out of state the end of April. Around August I decided to give her a call to see how she was doing, we kept it civil, till I mentioned I had someone visiting me in New York, when she inquired who, I told it was someone I met in New Jersey she didn't know. At this point she blew up at me, that the only reason I called her was to rub this in her face, said sarcastically, "I hope your both happy together" and hung up.

 

 

First off I didn't mention it to get back at her, if I wanted to be mean, I'd be like yea, she's prettier than you, she actually puts out, better than you in this or that, I didn't provide any details about who was coming, not even gender.

 

 

After the call, she made me feel bad, like I did something wrong. I don't need this grief. we talked about staying in contact after the divorce, but if this is what it's going to be like. I want no part of it. I deleted her number from my phone so I will never be tempted to contact her again.

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Turning point

She's also putting the toilet seat up. It helps her hold on to all that anger. :)

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  • 2 years later...
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I had to communicate with her again at the beginning of this year. I got a tax bill from the IRS for our 2015 tax return. She was paying it off monthly, as agree upon in the divorce, but when I filed my in 2020 they kept my 3k return to apply towards the outstanding balance. I had to email her and she agreed to send a check to cover the 3k I lost, which she did.  Later I received a letter from the IRS that the tax obligation was fulfilled. I thought that was the end of it. 

At the beginning of this year, I received a letter from the IRS, they said I owed $1,650 with penalties and late fees on the 2015 tax return. Apparently there was still an outstanding balance on the 2015 return. Despite the fact she was on a payment plan and it was the IRS that stopped the payments, they still want there money. I was able to get they IRS to wave the penalties and fees, since it was really there fault they stopped the payment plan, but that still left $1,300, when ya gonna pay? I had to contact her ya again January 2021, will this ever end?  I sent her a copy of the letter and asked her to take care of this. She replied that since it was our joint return that she would take care of the outstanding balance, but I should give her to 3k back she gave me. Something about the return was when filed when we were married and were both responsible.  I think she conveniently forgets I had an extra 5k deducted from my salary that year to help cover the taxes she didn't pay for her business income that year.  I told her that A. This obligation was her responsibility as spelled out in the divorce agreement. B. No check would be coming from me. and C. I had to foot 9k shortfall when we sold the house, of which benefited us both and she contributed nothing to that. 

Edited by AngryGromit
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Sorry to hear the drama is continuing.  I guess you'll have to figure out if $1650 is worth getting into more arguments over.  Personally, I'd suck it up just so that I didn't have to get in contact and negotiate further with the ex.

Edited by basil67
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