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Estranged husband "doesnt want to rush divorce" ??


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Old 26th November 2017, 10:09 PM   #1
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Estranged husband "doesnt want to rush divorce" ??

Estranged husband of five months said he didn't want to rush divorce, he was very depressed, misses his kid but didn't say anything about reconciliation. I do not want divorce. What are the pros & cons of each option? I want my family. I don't want to risk my financial future for my son & I if he doesn't ever come back. I need other brains to look at this objectively. Please & thank you.
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Old 26th November 2017, 11:14 PM   #2
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Can you tell us about the demise of your marriage and why he left? We can't give you advice without context.
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Old 27th November 2017, 2:01 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by surgngnl View Post
What are the pros & cons of each option?
What options exactly are you talking about? You said you don't want to divorce, and your husband doesn't want to either, but he doesn't want to reconcile. So the options you're talking about are (1) staying in "separated" purgatory forever, or (2) ...?

Certainly there are a few pros and cons of staying legally married but separated indefinitely. If your husband has a pension with death benefits, this is usually paid to a "spouse", and you will still be his legal spouse. That applies to your pension, too. Also any windfalls such as lottery wins or inheritances would be classed as marital assets and split in the case of the eventual divorce.

It's rarely a good idea to remain married once the actual marriage is over. Laws vary by location. You should see a lawyer to get an idea of the financial implications in your jurisdiction.
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Old 27th November 2017, 3:08 PM   #4
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You might be letting him off to easy and making it easy for him to have both you and someone else without any cost. He needs to decide. I know you don't want divorce, and that is honorable! Giving him an ultimatum might push the wrong way, but it might heal things and make him realize what he's risking losing.
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Old 27th November 2017, 3:17 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by surgngnl View Post
Estranged husband of five months said he didn't want to rush divorce, he was very depressed, misses his kid but didn't say anything about reconciliation. I do not want divorce. What are the pros & cons of each option? I want my family. I don't want to risk my financial future for my son & I if he doesn't ever come back. I need other brains to look at this objectively. Please & thank you.
Your financial future shouldn't be the cause to stay in a bad marriage. He will have to pay child support and hopefully you have a career and enjoy your work. Otherwise you should get one.
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Old 27th November 2017, 11:15 PM   #6
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Can you tell us about the demise of your marriage and why he left? We can't give you advice without context.
We're literal best friends who fell in love. Happy. In love. He told us every day that he couldn't love his family more... and he showed it. Then his dad died. They were close. Two years ago last week. In the last year, he became more & more depressed. His drinking got out of hand. I went to an AA meeting to find out how to address it.

Then, we got the option to move to our shared hometown so that our son could start school where we did. I spent the entire summer (in Texas, ****ing 107 degrees & a small kid) moving our family. Husband was excited too. But drinking got so much worse & he treated me like he wanted me to leave him - absolute disrespect openly for over nine months. However, I never considered divorce an option. Counseling, yes. Not divorce. We spoke different languages. We would work through. In sickness & in health. Nothing was bad enough to leave after five years. I'm not perfect but I respected him, encouraged him, loved him. We are/were a damn amazing family.

Three weeks into our new home, he stopped by on his way to our old city. He was still going back & forth for work & to prepare my mother's home we had lived in mortgage-free for sale, plus the job. He's our breadwinner currently. A thirty minute conversation with our son playing near us dropped the bomb. "We made a mistake from the beginning", he wasn't moving to the new town & wanted a divorce. No reasons given. Just repeated that he was tired of discussing it all, which I truly know we hadn't. He was drunk a lot & had gotten nasty but he never remembered anything correctly. By the way, kid was allways long asleep before the outbursts. Everything was my fault.

He drove away, didn't contact us for 7 days, cleared out the bank, left my family to keep my kid & I alive. I'm still in shock.

Last edited by surgngnl; 27th November 2017 at 11:27 PM..
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Old 27th November 2017, 11:31 PM   #7
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Estranged husband of five months said he didn't want to rush divorce, he was very dep

Quote:
Originally Posted by surgngnl View Post
Estranged husband of five months said he didn't want to rush divorce, he was very depressed, misses his kid but didn't say anything about reconciliation. I do not want divorce. What are the pros & cons of each option? I want my family. I don't want to risk my financial future for my son & I if he doesn't ever come back. I need other brains to look at this objectively. Please & thank you.
We're literal best friends who fell in love. Happy. In love. He told us every day that he couldn't love his family more... and he showed it. Then his dad died. They were close. Two years ago last week. In the last year, he became more & more depressed. His drinking got out of hand. I went to an AA meeting to find out how to address it.

Then, we got the option to move to our shared hometown so that our son could start school where we did. I spent the entire summer (in Texas, ****ing 107 degrees & a small kid) moving our family. Husband was excited too. But drinking got so much worse & he treated me like he wanted me to leave him - absolute disrespect openly for over nine months. However, I never considered divorce an option. Counseling, yes. Not divorce. We spoke different languages. We would work through. In sickness & in health. Nothing was bad enough to leave after five years. I'm not perfect but I respected him, encouraged him, loved him. We are/were a damn amazing family.

Three weeks into our new home, he stopped by on his way to our old city. He was still going back & forth for work & to prepare my mother's home we had lived in mortgage-free for sale, plus the job. He's our breadwinner currently. A thirty minute conversation with our son playing near us dropped the bomb. "We made a mistake from the beginning", he wasn't moving to the new town & wanted a divorce. No reasons given. Just repeated that he was tired of discussing it all, which I truly know we hadn't. He was drunk a lot & had gotten nasty but he never remembered anything correctly. By the way, kid was allways long asleep before the outbursts. Everything was my fault.

He drove away, didn't contact us for 7 days, cleared out the bank, left my family to keep my kid & I alive. I'm still in shock.
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Old 28th November 2017, 3:41 AM   #8
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It is very important that you SEE A LAWYER ASAP.

He has already decimated marital assets. You need to SEE A LAWYER to prevent further decimation.
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Old 21st December 2017, 3:43 PM   #9
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See a lawyer. Do not take him back. Do not look back.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 21st December 2017 at 9:51 PM.. Reason: language
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Old 23rd December 2017, 11:50 PM   #10
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Whether you hope to reconcile or not, you need to see a lawyer. he's not stable and has no right to clean out the bank accounts and leave you and having nothing to do with the kids. They're half his responsibility. Sounds like he may see this move as an opportunity to break away that he's been wanting to do -- OR he has a honey in the old town. So you get a lawyer. He can get an investigator and protect your assets and find out what's up.
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Old 25th December 2017, 1:58 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by surgngnl View Post
Estranged husband of five months said he didn't want to rush divorce, he was very depressed, misses his kid but didn't say anything about reconciliation.
Actions speak louder than words, his cleaning out your bank accounts, forcing you to rely on family for support shows you have much he values you and your Son. To want a divorce is one thing, to abandon you and your son, leaving you penniless is quite another. As for not rushing the divorce, this is common among cheaters, they want to freedom to fool around, but the reassurance of a backup plan in case things don't work out between him and his new girlfriend. Don't settle for 2nd choice, force this issue, see a lawyer, get divorce soon as possible.

Last edited by AngryGromit; 25th December 2017 at 2:00 PM..
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Old 25th December 2017, 2:23 PM   #12
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Nothing worse than a drunk which is what he's become.

File and move on with your life.

You're allowing him to cake eat because of your weakness at this time.

He has to fix this you can't. Letting him string you along won't help you.
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Old 5th January 2018, 1:18 PM   #13
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UK legal point

A side note to PegNosePete -

Quote:
Also any windfalls such as lottery wins or inheritances would be classed as marital assets and split in the case of the eventual divorce.
Following a court case, as I understand it this isn't correct in the UK at present. Lottery wins while separated but not divorced can be excluded from marital property. However, if the winner buys a home or some other asset with the winnings then the position changes. This may change yet again with further court decisions. It could have changed again already

Last edited by K Os; 5th January 2018 at 1:30 PM..
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Old 8th January 2018, 3:29 AM   #14
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It could have changed again already
There have been no changes in law, and there is nothing in UK law that states that assets acquired post-separation will remain possession of the spouse that acquired them. It may be in one case that they are kept with the lottery winner and in another case they are split. It very much depends upon all the factors, financial situation of both parties, needs, circumstances etc.

If for example a couple has 4 kids, a small house in negative equity and not enough income to feed the kids. The husband moves out, files for divorce, then wins the lottery. Do you really think the wife would get nothing because the win was after he moved out???

Divorce does not follow any kind of rules or formula. It's needs based. It still follows the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 section 25(2).
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Old 8th January 2018, 7:11 AM   #15
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Divorce does not follow any kind of rules or formula. It's needs based. It still follows the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 section 25(2).
That's absolutely correct. It does follow rules in that it follows the Act and case law. My point was simply to correct your point that lottery winnings will automatically be divided equally. They will not necessarily, as lottery winnings are generally classed as non-matrimonial property. However, as you rightly say, awards are based on need and no finances are excluded from this calculation.

I was referring to the case of S v AG (Financial Remedy: Lottery Prize) [2011] EWHC 2637 (Fam).
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