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-   -   Completely Broke (https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/642434-completely-broke)

dannyStL 11th November 2017 8:45 AM

Completely Broke
 
I have been with the mother of my two kids 12, 8, for 13 years (yes mistake 1, never got married). A week ago she told me she's leaving us and moving out in May. She wants to pay off some bills before she leaves so we are all in better financial standing. She said she is tired of me. She is now spending 12 hour days at work, we all three miss her something terrible. The kids don't know she is moving out, or they actually do, we just haven't told them. She sleeps in the bedroom, I sleep on the couch. Last night we slept in the same bed, but she was adamant that she is still leaving, and got frustrated, then mad when I tried to convince her otherwise. I am a complete physical and mental wreck over this. I have begged her to stay, that things would change, and she told me she wants to be my friend, but I'm being too needy. It's Saturday now, but I already feel like I can't do my job anymore. I don't know how I can do an 8 hour shift and come home to this. I have been crying, haven't ate in days, and can't sleep but an hour/maybe two a night. She seems to be completely fine. What do I do? Do I try to save this relationship (I want to), or is she already gone? When does the pain start to get better?

Art_Critic 11th November 2017 9:11 AM

You need to look passed your feelings for her right now and get legal help.

Not being married will mean issues of debt, house payments, leases etc etc will have to be dealt with.

Then there is the child support that needs to be nailed down and how much visitation you will need as well as insurance for your kids and who pays for that. it all needs entered into a legal record if you expect to have any power in your child rearing.

So my advice is to hire an attorney and start there, while you aren't getting a divorce many of the legal items you need are of a divorce.

Once you get legal help and learn about your rights and how to "break up" you can then worry about her and if she is really going to leave.

Sorry you are going through this..

Marc878 11th November 2017 9:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dannyStL (Post 7464057)
I have been with the mother of my two kids 12, 8, for 13 years (yes mistake 1, never got married). A week ago she told me she's leaving us and moving out in May. She wants to pay off some bills before she leaves so we are all in better financial standing. She said she is tired of me. She is now spending 12 hour days at work, we all three miss her something terrible. The kids don't know she is moving out, or they actually do, we just haven't told them. She sleeps in the bedroom, I sleep on the couch. Last night we slept in the same bed, but she was adamant that she is still leaving, and got frustrated, then mad when I tried to convince her otherwise. I am a complete physical and mental wreck over this. I have begged her to stay, that things would change, and she told me she wants to be my friend, but I'm being too needy. It's Saturday now, but I already feel like I can't do my job anymore. I don't know how I can do an 8 hour shift and come home to this. I have been crying, haven't ate in days, and can't sleep but an hour/maybe two a night. She seems to be completely fine. What do I do? Do I try to save this relationship (I want to), or is she already gone? When does the pain start to get better?

Begging is the worst thing you can do. It just pushes them farther away.

Check your phone bill. Find out who her boyfriend is. If he married inform his wife without warning.

Go into an immediate hard 180. Better wake up to what's going on here.

Read up
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...ration-divorce

d0nnivain 11th November 2017 10:59 AM

I don't necessarily agree there is a BF but you need to man up. No crying or begging. If she thinks you are too needy, stop being needy. Live your life & take care of your kids.

Make a list of what the bills are & set a budget for holiday spending. Make a plan to deal with these matters. Be as strong as possible for your kids & know your legal rights.

dannyStL 11th November 2017 1:32 PM

Seems so hard
 
I just can't wrap my head around not be affectionate to someone I have shared endless affection with. How do you just stop talking to someone that lives in your home, someone you still love? I am really tempted to call her at work and ask her out on a date tonight, but everything I read says don't do it.

HarmonyDriven 11th November 2017 10:11 PM

Some women who make the decision to move out or end a relationship are essentially done. They have thought about it for quite some time. Clearly, there must have been some problems with your relationship and maybe you just did not see the warning signs until she stated her intent to leave.

She could be overly stressed out with work and caring for the kids. However, for the life of me, I could not imagine leaving my kids.

IMO, I think you should at least seek legal advice and possibly relationship advice. Is your girlfriend willing to consider counseling? If not, you go alone.

This is a sad situation but right now, IMO, you need to buck up and do what's right for your kids...if that means work 8 hours without crying, you do it. Make sure your kids are properly cared for. While it may seem like the end of the world for you right now, it will get better. You will get through this, but your kids come first.

Good luck.

LivingWaterPlease 11th November 2017 10:37 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through this, dannyStL. I've been through something similar and a family member of mine has just gone through similar, although details are always unique to the situation.

The worst thing you can do now is to beg and/or be clingy. The best thing you can do is to become as independent from her as possible. Read up on the 180. Someone here has already mentioned that but it's really important for you to do this. Important for your own self, now and in the years to come to have handled it this way whether or not it causes her to rethink her stance.

I started to write in this post about my experience and the experience of my family member (a male). But, if you read up on the 180 it's all you need to know. My experience validated the 180 as did my family member's experience. Unfortunately by the time I realized how powerful the 180 is, I was done being treated the way he was treating me so that was it for me.

dannyStL 12th November 2017 10:12 AM

180 sounds good, I just have no idea how I can physically or mentally do it. I feel like a part of my soul has been ripped out and I can't go on. The emotional pain is debilitating, so much so I can't hardly make my kids dinner.

Art_Critic 12th November 2017 10:59 AM

So you aren't going to protect yourself legally or talk to an attorney.. you are going to try and date her or do the 180.

Dude...

You will be your own worst enemy.

At least you have 6 months to try and turn it around.. she TOLD YOU she is moving out.. I guess if she has a history of idol threats then ignoring it might be okay.. but if she is serious you are making a mistake, the fact you are not married plays against you legally...

littlestarsmum 12th November 2017 9:53 PM

Iím so sorry to hear about your situation, dannyStl. My heart goes out to you. This is a hard thing to go through after 13 years of togetherness. Are you seeing a counselor/therapist? Do you think that's something that might be helpful for you personally? I just said a prayer for you and your family, and I hope that God will provide the comfort, strength, and the help you need at this time. I know itís not easy right now, but stay strong. Sending prayers your way!

LivingWaterPlease 12th November 2017 10:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dannyStL (Post 7464962)
180 sounds good, I just have no idea how I can physically or mentally do it. I feel like a part of my soul has been ripped out and I can't go on. The emotional pain is debilitating, so much so I can't hardly make my kids dinner.

I understand because I felt the same way when my WH left me. You feel powerless but you aren't, trust me.

Just read where another poster wrote they prayed for you. Prayer and reading the Bible for hope is what got me through, plus my dad's support and prayers for me. Do you have family you can lean on? Or close friends?

The family member of mine who has just gone through this has leaned on his immediate family calling them often throughout the day and night for encouragement. He also goes to a counselor weekly and meets with his pastor one day a week.

You might contact your pastor if you have one. If you don't, you can go to any church and talk with the pastor letting him know you need support and prayers and he'll most likely do it for you. If you don't find it from a pastor, try another church and another pastor. A church is a great place to get support from.

When I went through this just one of the many things that helped me was going to church. The little old ladies there will hug you which is surprisingly therapeutic, though it may seem silly. You need touch and words for comfort. Family, friends, therapy, church people are all great places to get those things.

And keep posting here. We will do what we can! Sending hugs!

dannyStL 13th November 2017 8:21 AM

Progress
 
Thanks for all the kind words. Yesterday we spent the entire evening together at the kids sports, and then watching tv in the bedroom. When I left the room to sleep on the couch, she called me back in and we slept side by side all night. She said she still plans to move out, but will keep an open mind and see if things change. I have come to the realization that I have been putting work, school, and finances before family time. I always thought a good job, education, and finances were what I was supposed to provide my family, apparently its more time I need to give them. I'm not sure how I am going to live with the gloom cloud hanging over my head that she still wants to leave, but I think I might actually have a shot at turning this around. Needless to say I didn't sleep all night, I just laid there as she slept, trying to soak up as much time with her as I could before Monday came. Maybe the prayers are working, maybe I should let her go, but I feel like doing the 180 while she is still here is losing an opportunity to fix things, while she's under my roof.

LivingWaterPlease 13th November 2017 8:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dannyStL (Post 7465667)
Thanks for all the kind words. Yesterday we spent the entire evening together at the kids sports, and then watching tv in the bedroom. When I left the room to sleep on the couch, she called me back in and we slept side by side all night. She said she still plans to move out, but will keep an open mind and see if things change. I have come to the realization that I have been putting work, school, and finances before family time. I always thought a good job, education, and finances were what I was supposed to provide my family, apparently its more time I need to give them. I'm not sure how I am going to live with the gloom cloud hanging over my head that she still wants to leave, but I think I might actually have a shot at turning this around. Needless to say I didn't sleep all night, I just laid there as she slept, trying to soak up as much time with her as I could before Monday came. Maybe the prayers are working, maybe I should let her go, but I feel like doing the 180 while she is still here is losing an opportunity to fix things, while she's under my roof.

Just give her plenty of space, dannyStL, and don't be needy and/or clingy. Let her see that, though you love her, she is a free agent and that you aren't dependent on her to live your life. I am so sorry for what you are going through and am praying for you and for her now.

BaileyB 13th November 2017 12:28 PM

Would she consider going to see a marriage counsellor with you?

dannyStL 13th November 2017 1:30 PM

set back
 
So I thought I was making progress, then I found "the note" that apparently she wrote to the guy telling him she thought he would be romantic and able to fulfill her emotional needs and desires, but that he has essentially failed. Mind you she never delivered the note, but there is a note. This brings me to a crossroads. Now I know she was at least having an emotional affair with the guy, although I don't know anything physical took place. I am now torn between trying to save the relationship, and letting her go. I never dreamed she would be wrapped up with another man like this. From reading the note it looks like she might have found him appealing, but that he was just looking for ass. He's a single father living in an apartment with his daughter, I can't imagine he's Don Juan. No, she wont go to counseling.


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