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I have been with the mother of my two kids 12, 8, for 13 years (yes mistake 1, never got married). A week ago she told me she's leaving us and moving out in May. She wants to pay off some bills before she leaves so we are all in better financial standing. She said she is tired of me. She is now spending 12 hour days at work, we all three miss her something terrible. The kids don't know she is moving out, or they actually do, we just haven't told them. She sleeps in the bedroom, I sleep on the couch. Last night we slept in the same bed, but she was adamant that she is still leaving, and got frustrated, then mad when I tried to convince her otherwise. I am a complete physical and mental wreck over this. I have begged her to stay, that things would change, and she told me she wants to be my friend, but I'm being too needy. It's Saturday now, but I already feel like I can't do my job anymore. I don't know how I can do an 8 hour shift and come home to this. I have been crying, haven't ate in days, and can't sleep but an hour/maybe two a night. She seems to be completely fine. What do I do? Do I try to save this relationship (I want to), or is she already gone? When does the pain start to get better?

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You need to look passed your feelings for her right now and get legal help.

 

Not being married will mean issues of debt, house payments, leases etc etc will have to be dealt with.

 

Then there is the child support that needs to be nailed down and how much visitation you will need as well as insurance for your kids and who pays for that. it all needs entered into a legal record if you expect to have any power in your child rearing.

 

So my advice is to hire an attorney and start there, while you aren't getting a divorce many of the legal items you need are of a divorce.

 

Once you get legal help and learn about your rights and how to "break up" you can then worry about her and if she is really going to leave.

 

Sorry you are going through this..

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I have been with the mother of my two kids 12, 8, for 13 years (yes mistake 1, never got married). A week ago she told me she's leaving us and moving out in May. She wants to pay off some bills before she leaves so we are all in better financial standing. She said she is tired of me. She is now spending 12 hour days at work, we all three miss her something terrible. The kids don't know she is moving out, or they actually do, we just haven't told them. She sleeps in the bedroom, I sleep on the couch. Last night we slept in the same bed, but she was adamant that she is still leaving, and got frustrated, then mad when I tried to convince her otherwise. I am a complete physical and mental wreck over this. I have begged her to stay, that things would change, and she told me she wants to be my friend, but I'm being too needy. It's Saturday now, but I already feel like I can't do my job anymore. I don't know how I can do an 8 hour shift and come home to this. I have been crying, haven't ate in days, and can't sleep but an hour/maybe two a night. She seems to be completely fine. What do I do? Do I try to save this relationship (I want to), or is she already gone? When does the pain start to get better?

 

Begging is the worst thing you can do. It just pushes them farther away.

 

Check your phone bill. Find out who her boyfriend is. If he married inform his wife without warning.

 

Go into an immediate hard 180. Better wake up to what's going on here.

 

Read up

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

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I don't necessarily agree there is a BF but you need to man up. No crying or begging. If she thinks you are too needy, stop being needy. Live your life & take care of your kids.

 

Make a list of what the bills are & set a budget for holiday spending. Make a plan to deal with these matters. Be as strong as possible for your kids & know your legal rights.

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I just can't wrap my head around not be affectionate to someone I have shared endless affection with. How do you just stop talking to someone that lives in your home, someone you still love? I am really tempted to call her at work and ask her out on a date tonight, but everything I read says don't do it.

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HarmonyDriven

Some women who make the decision to move out or end a relationship are essentially done. They have thought about it for quite some time. Clearly, there must have been some problems with your relationship and maybe you just did not see the warning signs until she stated her intent to leave.

 

She could be overly stressed out with work and caring for the kids. However, for the life of me, I could not imagine leaving my kids.

 

IMO, I think you should at least seek legal advice and possibly relationship advice. Is your girlfriend willing to consider counseling? If not, you go alone.

 

This is a sad situation but right now, IMO, you need to buck up and do what's right for your kids...if that means work 8 hours without crying, you do it. Make sure your kids are properly cared for. While it may seem like the end of the world for you right now, it will get better. You will get through this, but your kids come first.

 

Good luck.

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LivingWaterPlease

I'm so sorry you're going through this, dannyStL. I've been through something similar and a family member of mine has just gone through similar, although details are always unique to the situation.

 

The worst thing you can do now is to beg and/or be clingy. The best thing you can do is to become as independent from her as possible. Read up on the 180. Someone here has already mentioned that but it's really important for you to do this. Important for your own self, now and in the years to come to have handled it this way whether or not it causes her to rethink her stance.

 

I started to write in this post about my experience and the experience of my family member (a male). But, if you read up on the 180 it's all you need to know. My experience validated the 180 as did my family member's experience. Unfortunately by the time I realized how powerful the 180 is, I was done being treated the way he was treating me so that was it for me.

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180 sounds good, I just have no idea how I can physically or mentally do it. I feel like a part of my soul has been ripped out and I can't go on. The emotional pain is debilitating, so much so I can't hardly make my kids dinner.

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So you aren't going to protect yourself legally or talk to an attorney.. you are going to try and date her or do the 180.

 

Dude...

 

You will be your own worst enemy.

 

At least you have 6 months to try and turn it around.. she TOLD YOU she is moving out.. I guess if she has a history of idol threats then ignoring it might be okay.. but if she is serious you are making a mistake, the fact you are not married plays against you legally...

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littlestarsmum

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation, dannyStl. My heart goes out to you. This is a hard thing to go through after 13 years of togetherness. Are you seeing a counselor/therapist? Do you think that's something that might be helpful for you personally? I just said a prayer for you and your family, and I hope that God will provide the comfort, strength, and the help you need at this time. I know it’s not easy right now, but stay strong. Sending prayers your way!

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LivingWaterPlease
180 sounds good, I just have no idea how I can physically or mentally do it. I feel like a part of my soul has been ripped out and I can't go on. The emotional pain is debilitating, so much so I can't hardly make my kids dinner.

 

I understand because I felt the same way when my WH left me. You feel powerless but you aren't, trust me.

 

Just read where another poster wrote they prayed for you. Prayer and reading the Bible for hope is what got me through, plus my dad's support and prayers for me. Do you have family you can lean on? Or close friends?

 

The family member of mine who has just gone through this has leaned on his immediate family calling them often throughout the day and night for encouragement. He also goes to a counselor weekly and meets with his pastor one day a week.

 

You might contact your pastor if you have one. If you don't, you can go to any church and talk with the pastor letting him know you need support and prayers and he'll most likely do it for you. If you don't find it from a pastor, try another church and another pastor. A church is a great place to get support from.

 

When I went through this just one of the many things that helped me was going to church. The little old ladies there will hug you which is surprisingly therapeutic, though it may seem silly. You need touch and words for comfort. Family, friends, therapy, church people are all great places to get those things.

 

And keep posting here. We will do what we can! Sending hugs!

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Thanks for all the kind words. Yesterday we spent the entire evening together at the kids sports, and then watching tv in the bedroom. When I left the room to sleep on the couch, she called me back in and we slept side by side all night. She said she still plans to move out, but will keep an open mind and see if things change. I have come to the realization that I have been putting work, school, and finances before family time. I always thought a good job, education, and finances were what I was supposed to provide my family, apparently its more time I need to give them. I'm not sure how I am going to live with the gloom cloud hanging over my head that she still wants to leave, but I think I might actually have a shot at turning this around. Needless to say I didn't sleep all night, I just laid there as she slept, trying to soak up as much time with her as I could before Monday came. Maybe the prayers are working, maybe I should let her go, but I feel like doing the 180 while she is still here is losing an opportunity to fix things, while she's under my roof.

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LivingWaterPlease
Thanks for all the kind words. Yesterday we spent the entire evening together at the kids sports, and then watching tv in the bedroom. When I left the room to sleep on the couch, she called me back in and we slept side by side all night. She said she still plans to move out, but will keep an open mind and see if things change. I have come to the realization that I have been putting work, school, and finances before family time. I always thought a good job, education, and finances were what I was supposed to provide my family, apparently its more time I need to give them. I'm not sure how I am going to live with the gloom cloud hanging over my head that she still wants to leave, but I think I might actually have a shot at turning this around. Needless to say I didn't sleep all night, I just laid there as she slept, trying to soak up as much time with her as I could before Monday came. Maybe the prayers are working, maybe I should let her go, but I feel like doing the 180 while she is still here is losing an opportunity to fix things, while she's under my roof.

 

Just give her plenty of space, dannyStL, and don't be needy and/or clingy. Let her see that, though you love her, she is a free agent and that you aren't dependent on her to live your life. I am so sorry for what you are going through and am praying for you and for her now.

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So I thought I was making progress, then I found "the note" that apparently she wrote to the guy telling him she thought he would be romantic and able to fulfill her emotional needs and desires, but that he has essentially failed. Mind you she never delivered the note, but there is a note. This brings me to a crossroads. Now I know she was at least having an emotional affair with the guy, although I don't know anything physical took place. I am now torn between trying to save the relationship, and letting her go. I never dreamed she would be wrapped up with another man like this. From reading the note it looks like she might have found him appealing, but that he was just looking for ass. He's a single father living in an apartment with his daughter, I can't imagine he's Don Juan. No, she wont go to counseling.

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Sorry you're going through this Danny. I have been where you are. My situation is still on-going.

As others have stated before, No Contact and 180 is really the best option you have, no matter how tough it may seem.

 

I too wondered how my wife was able to just up and leave and then seamlessly move on after 17 years together. I was crushed and heartbroken and the last thing on my mind was starting another relationship. It wasn't until I started researching Narcissism and Narcissistic Personalities that her actions and behaviors started to make sense. Narcissist behave exactly like this, they devalue you, find a replacement, and then discard you.

It may be worth a few minutes of research on your part.

 

I now know what I'm dealing with and how to deal with this type of person and it is making it a little easier to for me to move on.

If it does turn out your woman has NPD, remember this: there are no happy endings with a Narc.

This could turn out to be a blessing in disguise for you. It was for me.

 

Just read through the threads here; I went back over 100 pages. The best advice was always No Contact, 180. Do it for yourself.

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the only way you can make her question herself and her decision to leave you is to go along with it. the more you beg, ask her to stay etc the more she will feel she is making the right choice.

 

 

 

 

Better yourself, be a better dad, that's all you can do and all you need to worry about. Eat better, exercise, do things on your own even if she doesn't want to come along or do them with you.

 

 

Show her that you are happy with our without her and that you will live your life just the same. Don't ask her where she is going, where she is at, where she was, why she didn't call, none of that. Let her be. And you prepare yourself for the worst but hope for the best.

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I confronted her on the note this morning and she flew off the handle, said she isn't seeing anyone, and the note was a song she was writing (shes not a song writer lol). Anyway, the note went something to this effect:

 

 

When I first met you, you swept me off my feet. Then when you asked me to take off, I had to drive to you, only to find you were taking where you were taking someone else. I am tired of hearing how romantic a man used to be. Why do I always have to be the girl who isn't romanced? I thought you would be different, emotionally considerate of my feelings.

 

 

She flipped out and said I shouldn't have been going through her things, that she isn't seeing anyone. I am a bit happy that the grass isn't greener on the other side, but I'm raging that another man had his paws on my girl. I realize her leaving doesn't make her my girl anymore, but it still pisses me off, and is crushing in the same moment.

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So i guess...that based on the post that you made on the other thread, that you understand that she has been having an affair for a while now.

 

As stated on may other threads, woman almost never leave unless they have another man in the wings. And of course she does.

 

Has she admitted it yet, or what.

 

Just so you understand, she has been screwing around on you for a while and she has been making plans to leave you and start a new life with her other man.

 

So yeah, hard 180, talk to a lawyer, and stop being weak about what your going through. I know it sucks, but you have to keep your self-respect in tact, you have a family to raise...

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Yeah, I realize she is cheating. Although I don't think its been physical, I think she is at least having an emotional affair, which is probably worse. I want to be strong, I just haven't known anything else for 13 years. Everyday for 13 years we did everything together, everything was about us, then suddenly, like a heart attack, its over. I'm at least able to leave the house for short periods now, I couldn't do that a week ago. The problem is everywhere I look I see her, I see families, I simply hurt at an unbelievable emotional level. She told me we will still be in each others lives, and that we will be friends, but she swears she isn't having an affair, and that she isn't in love with anyone else. She is probably saying all that just to avoid hurting me, there appears to be some level of care for me, but I would rather her just admit it and move on. I just find it so difficult to do the 180.

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See a lawyer.

 

 

Depending on the state, the two of you might be considered common-law spouses, and you may have to divorce even though there was never actually a legal marriage. I'm not sure how it works, but spouses or not you do have rights as a father, so you need to educate yourself as to your rights in this situation and what you can expect with child support etc.

 

 

As for the relationship, she's gone my friend. She has checked out. Even if she goes to be with this other guy, she doesn't love you anymore and you just need to do the 180 and begin moving on.

 

 

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

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Yeah, I realize she is cheating. Although I don't think its been physical, I think she is at least having an emotional affair, which is probably worse. I want to be strong, I just haven't known anything else for 13 years. Everyday for 13 years we did everything together, everything was about us, then suddenly, like a heart attack, its over. I'm at least able to leave the house for short periods now, I couldn't do that a week ago. The problem is everywhere I look I see her, I see families, I simply hurt at an unbelievable emotional level. She told me we will still be in each others lives, and that we will be friends, but she swears she isn't having an affair, and that she isn't in love with anyone else. She is probably saying all that just to avoid hurting me, there appears to be some level of care for me, but I would rather her just admit it and move on. I just find it so difficult to do the 180.

 

Danny, I know that you are hurting... And I know that you feel like your losing your mind. Been there done that.

 

And, probably for the first time in your life, you understand what REAL, SEARING emotional pain feels like. And hopefully, when you get over this and heal, you will never feel this kind of pain again. They say that infidelity is second only to losing a child. And while I would not know what losing a child feels like, I know what infidelity feels like, and it hurts like a bitch.

 

Now for the BUT... But, brother, you have to pull yourself together!!!

 

And, if you want to believe that she is not sleeping with him you can do that. Again, But, in general it is better to get out of infidelity and face reality sooner, like ripping off a band aid, than piecemeal.

 

So, things to know and understand:

 

1) She is lying about everything. You think it is because she does not want to hurt you. In reality it is because she is covering her A$$. She does not want the drama of you knowing that she has been having an affair and all that brings with it. She is probably worried about her image.

 

2) She has been having a physical affair with the guy from work for most likely a year or more. If you think back, you will notice times that you wondered where she was, or she acted funny, or a host of other red flags.

 

You are not the only man/woman that has been duped like this and you won't be the last. If you think back a few months you will recall a feeling you had in your gut that something was off in the relationship, this is most likely when she started sleeping with him.

 

3) You feel like this is your fault, if only you had paid more attention, taken greater care when you were having sex, been a better partner, bla. bla, bla...

 

You can just put all of that out of your mind. If your relationship was not perfect, so what, you did not cheat and start sleeping around. She did. This breakup and everything that goes along with it are 100% on her in everyway. She did this not you.

 

4) If you change things about yourself, she may come back. Again, put that out of your mind. She is done, and nothing you did or did not do caused it.

 

When a woman make this kind of move, they do think they are in love and they may be. However, soon, a year, a month, 6 months, whatever, the newness will where off for her, and odds say that it will end.

 

She may or may not come back to you. DO NOT LET HER. By that time hopefully you are dating at least a little. When a woman does this, you can never let her back into your life no matter how much you want to.

 

What she is doing is at that far extreme of infidelity, and this type you never let back into your life. Please trust me on that.

 

5) You have to be strong for your children. They have to see that as a man you can take a punch and get back up and keep fighting. Not fight for your relationship because that is dead, but you have to fight for yourself and your kids.

 

6) Realizing what is actually going on here, generally will help you move on faster. In a few days or weeks, you will hit the anger phase. You have to let yourself feel that anger BUT DO NOT ACT ON IT OR SHOW IT IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS.

 

As much as it will scare you, you have to feel it to get through it.

 

Danny, it is time to move on with your life. It is time to realize that she is not the woman you thought she was, she is someone else.

 

But brother, let me assure you that there are loving, kind, non crazy women out there that will love you the way you deserve to be loved.

 

When you actually get a taste of that, wow, there really is nothing better.

 

Hang in there and keep posting about your situation and your feelings. It really does help...

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Thanks for the post, I hear everything your saying, and have already started preparing my finances for the end result. Whats jacked up is she wants to stay in the house until May, and she wants to be my friend. She says she loves me, I am the father of her children, that we will always be in each others lives, blah blah blah, but she is calling this ****tard every day. I am angry, and my anger has me on the verge of doing **** I shouldn't. If she would just leave it would be better, I wouldn't see her ****. The problem is she wants to stay until May telling me that the kids need to finish the school year. I explained that the kids will be ****ed up no matter what time of year it is. For 13 years we told them what was happening to their friends, would never happen to us, that we were a team, all B.S. I offered to sell the house and give her half the equity $50,000 and she could go on her way, she freaked out and said "do whatever the **** you want then". Why, if you don't love me, would you not take the $50,000 and leave? We live in a neighborhood that is highly desireable, so our house would be sold in less than 30 days. I hurt because of all that we shared, and now all that sharing seems like a lie, and how can a woman leave her kids?

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Hi Danny, yours is a sad situation but this website is full of stories like yours and some even worse than yours. It seems that you have reached the anger stage which is a good thing. Blues Power has already predicted that you would hit this stage and he has given you good advice on controlling it to avoid creating any untoward situations. However, the anger stage will help you start to get over your relationship with your GF. It will also help you to start manning up for the sake of your kids and yourself. It will help you to start dissociating yourself from your GF as the realization of her betrayal sinks into your consciousness. Apparently, you have started doing the right things, one being to offer to sell the house and give her share of the equity to her. No clearer statement that you think the relationship is over and done with could have been made by you than this one offer. It tells her that you have seen through her BS and ate ready to move on and suddenly she is no more in control of the situation.

 

As a result of your offer you will find that she may start backtracking on her decision and will be telling you that she is thinking things over and may not leave in May. However, this is where you tell her that you are over and done with the relationship and you do not intend to be her plan B. Tell her she is welcome to go shack up with her new BF and you are going to move on with your life. Tell her your relationship with her is dead and only remains to be buried by completing the few remaining legal formalities that ate necessary. The funny thing is that with all this her respect for you will go sky high and she will be kicking herself silly for having lost you. You now need to live for yourself and your children. Just be happy that she showed you her true colours while you are young enough to start a new life with someone else. Listen to folks like Blues Power, Marc and others who have given you sterling advice on how to handle yourself through this crisis. They should know, they have been through the mill and come out successfully on the other side. Warm wishes.

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I can't let go, as angry as I am she is returning home to our house every night. I check the phone bill and she is talking to the guy for at least an hour a day. I spent last night cooking her dinner and laying in bed with her rubbing her feet and back, only to have her wake up 4 hours later and say "are you going to be sleeping in here every night now" in an angry tone. Next thing I know she throws a pillow at my face. Now she wants to go get breakfast together. Yesterday I thought I was beginning to have this licked, today I feel I was set back days on end. Not to mention I only slept an hour last night because I laid by her and stared at her for 8 hours straight (creepy huh). Now she is getting ready for work, the kids are gone to school, and I took off work because I'm wired from not sleeping. I am going to be sitting her all day thinking about her while she works with this guy. I think I'm going nuts. Ohhh and she got paid, she worked 40 hours of straight time and 60 hours of overtime in a 2 week period, so she really was working when she said she was, of course he works there too at lest 2 days a week, and works from home the other 2.

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