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Old 21st November 2017, 8:49 PM   #46
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Not Sure

I checked her phone last night and it appears she told her friend she broke off the affair because she doesn't want to bring that drama to her family. She still talked about moving out in May, but it appears the guy wouldn't give her the relationship she wanted, he didn't want to be seen in public with her, and didn't want to acknowledge the relationship at work. This is an interesting development to say the least. We leave for Texas in the morning, I figured I would go and try to give my kids one last good holiday. My 12 year old daughter started crying tonight and told me she knows something is wrong. She said she hates her mom and knows she is breaking up the family. Me being me, I told her that her mom loves her, and there has been no decisions made. I told her that her mom and I are going through a rough spot, and were trying to work things out. I told her she can talk to me and the school counselor anytime she wants. I feel terrible lying to her, telling her everything is going to be ok. Anyway, long story short I know she still has feelings for the guy, and they work together, so I could never really trust her again. My mind tells me to sell the house, but my heart tells me to work it out. I cant afford the house without her salary so I am going to have to move back to where I grew up (****hole) and the kids are going to have a culture shock. I haven't had a chance to consult an attorney yet, but I have managed to save up a $1000 retainer.
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Old 21st November 2017, 9:27 PM   #47
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Going through it too. I gave it over a year, did what I could but she still wants to hang out with that guy after everything that happened. Iím dropping the separation papers next week. I learned that if she wants to go, let her go. It will be the best in the long run because you will honestly never trust her again and do you really want to live life questioning her every move?? Iím in the exact same post man and enough is enough. You canít hold on to something that she doesnít want. It took me awhile to realize that and I wanted things to go back to normal so bad. Point is I deployed and she changed while I was gone. The best thing you can do now is be there for your children and cut her loose emotionally to move on with your life. It will save you a lot of heartache in the long run yrust me on that one. BTW are you from St Louis?
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Old 23rd November 2017, 6:52 PM   #48
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Update

I'm sitting here struggling. I go back and fourth between letting her go, and fighting for the family. The jacked up part is she's still talking to him, so what am I fighting for? A life with 0 trust? I have three more days on vacation with her then a 13 hour trip back to town. I think at that point I'm going to do the 180 and see where the chips fall. I'm tired, sad, mad, and falling behind at work. I don't know how to whip this, I think mainly because I can't remember how to be single. I have reconnected with some old friends and am going to church with them next week. I was invited by my brother in law to drink tonight, but avoided it like the plague, because it will only end in something bad. I can't imagine the feelings I have now compounded by booze. She actually texted her friend that she hates me and the kids, how can a mother hate her children?
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Old 23rd November 2017, 7:00 PM   #49
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Going through it too. I gave it over a year, did what I could but she still wants to hang out with that guy after everything that happened. Iím dropping the separation papers next week. I learned that if she wants to go, let her go. It will be the best in the long run because you will honestly never trust her again and do you really want to live life questioning her every move?? Iím in the exact same post man and enough is enough. You canít hold on to something that she doesnít want. It took me awhile to realize that and I wanted things to go back to normal so bad. Point is I deployed and she changed while I was gone. The best thing you can do now is be there for your children and cut her loose emotionally to move on with your life. It will save you a lot of heartache in the long run yrust me on that one. BTW are you from St Louis?
I just don't get it, you and I are both out working and fighting for our families only to get women who say they want something different. My girl is upset that life is hard, bills, kids, etc. I make twice what the guy she's seeing makes, and he is divorced with two kids. She thinks this guy isn't going to have the same if not worse problems?
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Old 23rd November 2017, 8:29 PM   #50
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Originally Posted by dannyStL View Post
I'm sitting here struggling. I go back and fourth between letting her go, and fighting for the family. The jacked up part is she's still talking to him, so what am I fighting for? A life with 0 trust? I have three more days on vacation with her then a 13 hour trip back to town. I think at that point I'm going to do the 180 and see where the chips fall. I'm tired, sad, mad, and falling behind at work. I don't know how to whip this, I think mainly because I can't remember how to be single. I have reconnected with some old friends and am going to church with them next week. I was invited by my brother in law to drink tonight, but avoided it like the plague, because it will only end in something bad. I can't imagine the feelings I have now compounded by booze. She actually texted her friend that she hates me and the kids, how can a mother hate her children?
You can fight all you want but it takes two. If she's not in you are wasting your time.

Better wake up
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Old 23rd November 2017, 8:33 PM   #51
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Originally Posted by dannyStL View Post
I'm sitting here struggling. I go back and fourth between letting her go, and fighting for the family. The jacked up part is she's still talking to him, so what am I fighting for? A life with 0 trust? I have three more days on vacation with her then a 13 hour trip back to town. I think at that point I'm going to do the 180 and see where the chips fall. I'm tired, sad, mad, and falling behind at work. I don't know how to whip this, I think mainly because I can't remember how to be single. I have reconnected with some old friends and am going to church with them next week. I was invited by my brother in law to drink tonight, but avoided it like the plague, because it will only end in something bad. I can't imagine the feelings I have now compounded by booze. She actually texted her friend that she hates me and the kids, how can a mother hate her children?
You need to adjust your expectations. This isn't something you can get over in a day, a week, or a month. You're unfortunately going to have to go THROUGH it, slowly, to get to the other side . Expecting to "whip it" is only going to cause you more frustration. Accept it for what it is - a huge betrayal and a REALLY awful thing to have had happen to you. You don't just "whip" stuff like this.

Good on you for not drinking
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Old 23rd November 2017, 8:34 PM   #52
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Originally Posted by dannyStL View Post
I checked her phone last night and it appears she told her friend she broke off the affair because she doesn't want to bring that drama to her family. She still talked about moving out in May, but it appears the guy wouldn't give her the relationship she wanted, he didn't want to be seen in public with her, and didn't want to acknowledge the relationship at work. This is an interesting development to say the least. We leave for Texas in the morning, I figured I would go and try to give my kids one last good holiday. My 12 year old daughter started crying tonight and told me she knows something is wrong. She said she hates her mom and knows she is breaking up the family. Me being me, I told her that her mom loves her, and there has been no decisions made. I told her that her mom and I are going through a rough spot, and were trying to work things out. I told her she can talk to me and the school counselor anytime she wants. I feel terrible lying to her, telling her everything is going to be ok. Anyway, long story short I know she still has feelings for the guy, and they work together, so I could never really trust her again. My mind tells me to sell the house, but my heart tells me to work it out. I cant afford the house without her salary so I am going to have to move back to where I grew up (****hole) and the kids are going to have a culture shock. I haven't had a chance to consult an attorney yet, but I have managed to save up a $1000 retainer.
Then stop. The kids are going to go through this too.

Many times they blame themselves. Don't let that happen
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Old 23rd November 2017, 8:35 PM   #53
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I hear you Marc, and your advice isn't falling on deaf ears. My mind is finally saying to get rid of her, although my heart says keep her. It's a struggle.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 8:47 PM   #54
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It's a confusing time. Always is in infidelity.

Only you can keep you where you are. Most can't understand that but only you gets to control you. As you've seen you sure can't make her do anything.

Read up on the 180 and apply it
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...ration-divorce

If you can't you'll just linger where you are. Some stay in this for a couple years or more because they don't take control of themselves.

It's all you can do.

You're here for a reason. Put the advice, etc into use.

What you've been doing has gotten you what?
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Old 23rd November 2017, 8:48 PM   #55
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Originally Posted by dannyStL View Post
I hear you Marc, and your advice isn't falling on deaf ears. My mind is finally saying to get rid of her, although my heart says keep her. It's a struggle.
you don't have her. Until you let that go it'll just control you.

Don't worry about pushing her away. She already left.

Have you tried exposure?
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Old 23rd November 2017, 11:11 PM   #56
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Your wasting your time waiting for her to come to her senses, if your wife hates you and your children, there is nothing to save. Give her what she wants, the boot. Treat her with the respect she deserves, let your lawyer deal with her. Get your children into counselling because they can feel the lack of love from their mother. The sooner you get her out the sooner all of you can heal.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 11:38 PM   #57
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The mother of your children was willing to swap her children for his.

If you still want to fight for her, the first thing you should do is go out and find a very big rock. Tell the rock that you love her, want to reconcile and need for her to love you back. Now sit there and wait for that rock to give you a big hug.

Why would I post such stupidly, outside of 3 beers and her 4 shots? Because when you put trading away your children, hating them, a affair and wanting to work it out in the same sentence, that what you get...Stupidity. Not you per say, just the thought pattern.

SNAP OUT OF IT. This person is a danger to your children. Not in the future, but right now. You need to get out of the lovey dovey and look at that stranger who just said they hate your kids.

What are you thinking man.

Last edited by Cullenbohannon; 23rd November 2017 at 11:43 PM..
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Old 24th November 2017, 2:26 PM   #58
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The mother of your children was willing to swap her children for his.

If you still want to fight for her, the first thing you should do is go out and find a very big rock. Tell the rock that you love her, want to reconcile and need for her to love you back. Now sit there and wait for that rock to give you a big hug.

Why would I post such stupidly, outside of 3 beers and her 4 shots? Because when you put trading away your children, hating them, a affair and wanting to work it out in the same sentence, that what you get...Stupidity. Not you per say, just the thought pattern.

SNAP OUT OF IT. This person is a danger to your children. Not in the future, but right now. You need to get out of the lovey dovey and look at that stranger who just said they hate your kids.



What are you thinking man.
That's an interesting way to put it. I'm actually sitting beside her with her. Feet on my lap while I type this. What's really jacked up is we had sex, "again", last night. That makes 4 times since we "broke up" at the beginning of November. I think that's part of what makes this all so confusing. I have caught her talking to this guy the whole time we've been together down her. I think I'm ready for the 180 starting Sunday when we return. I have to fix a few things on the house before I can sell it. I just don't understand where my girl of 13 years went. Then the hate for her kids, that's insane. I hope to report back Monday that the 180 is in full effect.
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Old 24th November 2017, 3:40 PM   #59
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The 180 only works if you apply it fully.
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Old 24th November 2017, 3:40 PM   #60
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Disregard

Carry on.

Last edited by Cullenbohannon; 24th November 2017 at 4:57 PM..
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