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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 13th November 2017, 3:57 PM   #16
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Sorry you're going through this Danny. I have been where you are. My situation is still on-going.
As others have stated before, No Contact and 180 is really the best option you have, no matter how tough it may seem.

I too wondered how my wife was able to just up and leave and then seamlessly move on after 17 years together. I was crushed and heartbroken and the last thing on my mind was starting another relationship. It wasn't until I started researching Narcissism and Narcissistic Personalities that her actions and behaviors started to make sense. Narcissist behave exactly like this, they devalue you, find a replacement, and then discard you.
It may be worth a few minutes of research on your part.

I now know what I'm dealing with and how to deal with this type of person and it is making it a little easier to for me to move on.
If it does turn out your woman has NPD, remember this: there are no happy endings with a Narc.
This could turn out to be a blessing in disguise for you. It was for me.

Just read through the threads here; I went back over 100 pages. The best advice was always No Contact, 180. Do it for yourself.
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Old 13th November 2017, 4:13 PM   #17
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the only way you can make her question herself and her decision to leave you is to go along with it. the more you beg, ask her to stay etc the more she will feel she is making the right choice.




Better yourself, be a better dad, that's all you can do and all you need to worry about. Eat better, exercise, do things on your own even if she doesn't want to come along or do them with you.


Show her that you are happy with our without her and that you will live your life just the same. Don't ask her where she is going, where she is at, where she was, why she didn't call, none of that. Let her be. And you prepare yourself for the worst but hope for the best.
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Old 14th November 2017, 6:19 PM   #18
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Note

I confronted her on the note this morning and she flew off the handle, said she isn't seeing anyone, and the note was a song she was writing (shes not a song writer lol). Anyway, the note went something to this effect:


When I first met you, you swept me off my feet. Then when you asked me to take off, I had to drive to you, only to find you were taking where you were taking someone else. I am tired of hearing how romantic a man used to be. Why do I always have to be the girl who isn't romanced? I thought you would be different, emotionally considerate of my feelings.


She flipped out and said I shouldn't have been going through her things, that she isn't seeing anyone. I am a bit happy that the grass isn't greener on the other side, but I'm raging that another man had his paws on my girl. I realize her leaving doesn't make her my girl anymore, but it still pisses me off, and is crushing in the same moment.
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Old 14th November 2017, 9:47 PM   #19
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So i guess...

So i guess...that based on the post that you made on the other thread, that you understand that she has been having an affair for a while now.

As stated on may other threads, woman almost never leave unless they have another man in the wings. And of course she does.

Has she admitted it yet, or what.

Just so you understand, she has been screwing around on you for a while and she has been making plans to leave you and start a new life with her other man.

So yeah, hard 180, talk to a lawyer, and stop being weak about what your going through. I know it sucks, but you have to keep your self-respect in tact, you have a family to raise...
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Old 15th November 2017, 6:54 AM   #20
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I understand

Yeah, I realize she is cheating. Although I don't think its been physical, I think she is at least having an emotional affair, which is probably worse. I want to be strong, I just haven't known anything else for 13 years. Everyday for 13 years we did everything together, everything was about us, then suddenly, like a heart attack, its over. I'm at least able to leave the house for short periods now, I couldn't do that a week ago. The problem is everywhere I look I see her, I see families, I simply hurt at an unbelievable emotional level. She told me we will still be in each others lives, and that we will be friends, but she swears she isn't having an affair, and that she isn't in love with anyone else. She is probably saying all that just to avoid hurting me, there appears to be some level of care for me, but I would rather her just admit it and move on. I just find it so difficult to do the 180.
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Old 15th November 2017, 9:43 AM   #21
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See a lawyer.


Depending on the state, the two of you might be considered common-law spouses, and you may have to divorce even though there was never actually a legal marriage. I'm not sure how it works, but spouses or not you do have rights as a father, so you need to educate yourself as to your rights in this situation and what you can expect with child support etc.


As for the relationship, she's gone my friend. She has checked out. Even if she goes to be with this other guy, she doesn't love you anymore and you just need to do the 180 and begin moving on.


I'm sorry you are in this situation.
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Old 15th November 2017, 10:02 AM   #22
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Danny, I know that you are hurting...

Quote:
Originally Posted by dannyStL View Post
Yeah, I realize she is cheating. Although I don't think its been physical, I think she is at least having an emotional affair, which is probably worse. I want to be strong, I just haven't known anything else for 13 years. Everyday for 13 years we did everything together, everything was about us, then suddenly, like a heart attack, its over. I'm at least able to leave the house for short periods now, I couldn't do that a week ago. The problem is everywhere I look I see her, I see families, I simply hurt at an unbelievable emotional level. She told me we will still be in each others lives, and that we will be friends, but she swears she isn't having an affair, and that she isn't in love with anyone else. She is probably saying all that just to avoid hurting me, there appears to be some level of care for me, but I would rather her just admit it and move on. I just find it so difficult to do the 180.
Danny, I know that you are hurting... And I know that you feel like your losing your mind. Been there done that.

And, probably for the first time in your life, you understand what REAL, SEARING emotional pain feels like. And hopefully, when you get over this and heal, you will never feel this kind of pain again. They say that infidelity is second only to losing a child. And while I would not know what losing a child feels like, I know what infidelity feels like, and it hurts like a bitch.

Now for the BUT... But, brother, you have to pull yourself together!!!

And, if you want to believe that she is not sleeping with him you can do that. Again, But, in general it is better to get out of infidelity and face reality sooner, like ripping off a band aid, than piecemeal.

So, things to know and understand:

1) She is lying about everything. You think it is because she does not want to hurt you. In reality it is because she is covering her A$$. She does not want the drama of you knowing that she has been having an affair and all that brings with it. She is probably worried about her image.

2) She has been having a physical affair with the guy from work for most likely a year or more. If you think back, you will notice times that you wondered where she was, or she acted funny, or a host of other red flags.

You are not the only man/woman that has been duped like this and you won't be the last. If you think back a few months you will recall a feeling you had in your gut that something was off in the relationship, this is most likely when she started sleeping with him.

3) You feel like this is your fault, if only you had paid more attention, taken greater care when you were having sex, been a better partner, bla. bla, bla...

You can just put all of that out of your mind. If your relationship was not perfect, so what, you did not cheat and start sleeping around. She did. This breakup and everything that goes along with it are 100% on her in everyway. She did this not you.

4) If you change things about yourself, she may come back. Again, put that out of your mind. She is done, and nothing you did or did not do caused it.

When a woman make this kind of move, they do think they are in love and they may be. However, soon, a year, a month, 6 months, whatever, the newness will where off for her, and odds say that it will end.

She may or may not come back to you. DO NOT LET HER. By that time hopefully you are dating at least a little. When a woman does this, you can never let her back into your life no matter how much you want to.

What she is doing is at that far extreme of infidelity, and this type you never let back into your life. Please trust me on that.

5) You have to be strong for your children. They have to see that as a man you can take a punch and get back up and keep fighting. Not fight for your relationship because that is dead, but you have to fight for yourself and your kids.

6) Realizing what is actually going on here, generally will help you move on faster. In a few days or weeks, you will hit the anger phase. You have to let yourself feel that anger BUT DO NOT ACT ON IT OR SHOW IT IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS.

As much as it will scare you, you have to feel it to get through it.

Danny, it is time to move on with your life. It is time to realize that she is not the woman you thought she was, she is someone else.

But brother, let me assure you that there are loving, kind, non crazy women out there that will love you the way you deserve to be loved.

When you actually get a taste of that, wow, there really is nothing better.

Hang in there and keep posting about your situation and your feelings. It really does help...
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Old 15th November 2017, 9:16 PM   #23
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Thanks

Thanks for the post, I hear everything your saying, and have already started preparing my finances for the end result. Whats jacked up is she wants to stay in the house until May, and she wants to be my friend. She says she loves me, I am the father of her children, that we will always be in each others lives, blah blah blah, but she is calling this ****tard every day. I am angry, and my anger has me on the verge of doing **** I shouldn't. If she would just leave it would be better, I wouldn't see her ****. The problem is she wants to stay until May telling me that the kids need to finish the school year. I explained that the kids will be ****ed up no matter what time of year it is. For 13 years we told them what was happening to their friends, would never happen to us, that we were a team, all B.S. I offered to sell the house and give her half the equity $50,000 and she could go on her way, she freaked out and said "do whatever the **** you want then". Why, if you don't love me, would you not take the $50,000 and leave? We live in a neighborhood that is highly desireable, so our house would be sold in less than 30 days. I hurt because of all that we shared, and now all that sharing seems like a lie, and how can a woman leave her kids?
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Old 16th November 2017, 3:45 AM   #24
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Hi Danny, yours is a sad situation but this website is full of stories like yours and some even worse than yours. It seems that you have reached the anger stage which is a good thing. Blues Power has already predicted that you would hit this stage and he has given you good advice on controlling it to avoid creating any untoward situations. However, the anger stage will help you start to get over your relationship with your GF. It will also help you to start manning up for the sake of your kids and yourself. It will help you to start dissociating yourself from your GF as the realization of her betrayal sinks into your consciousness. Apparently, you have started doing the right things, one being to offer to sell the house and give her share of the equity to her. No clearer statement that you think the relationship is over and done with could have been made by you than this one offer. It tells her that you have seen through her BS and ate ready to move on and suddenly she is no more in control of the situation.

As a result of your offer you will find that she may start backtracking on her decision and will be telling you that she is thinking things over and may not leave in May. However, this is where you tell her that you are over and done with the relationship and you do not intend to be her plan B. Tell her she is welcome to go shack up with her new BF and you are going to move on with your life. Tell her your relationship with her is dead and only remains to be buried by completing the few remaining legal formalities that ate necessary. The funny thing is that with all this her respect for you will go sky high and she will be kicking herself silly for having lost you. You now need to live for yourself and your children. Just be happy that she showed you her true colours while you are young enough to start a new life with someone else. Listen to folks like Blues Power, Marc and others who have given you sterling advice on how to handle yourself through this crisis. They should know, they have been through the mill and come out successfully on the other side. Warm wishes.
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Old 16th November 2017, 9:03 AM   #25
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I can't let go, as angry as I am she is returning home to our house every night. I check the phone bill and she is talking to the guy for at least an hour a day. I spent last night cooking her dinner and laying in bed with her rubbing her feet and back, only to have her wake up 4 hours later and say "are you going to be sleeping in here every night now" in an angry tone. Next thing I know she throws a pillow at my face. Now she wants to go get breakfast together. Yesterday I thought I was beginning to have this licked, today I feel I was set back days on end. Not to mention I only slept an hour last night because I laid by her and stared at her for 8 hours straight (creepy huh). Now she is getting ready for work, the kids are gone to school, and I took off work because I'm wired from not sleeping. I am going to be sitting her all day thinking about her while she works with this guy. I think I'm going nuts. Ohhh and she got paid, she worked 40 hours of straight time and 60 hours of overtime in a 2 week period, so she really was working when she said she was, of course he works there too at lest 2 days a week, and works from home the other 2.
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Old 16th November 2017, 9:52 AM   #26
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Danny, why brother, why...

Quote:
Originally Posted by dannyStL View Post
I can't let go, as angry as I am she is returning home to our house every night. I check the phone bill and she is talking to the guy for at least an hour a day. I spent last night cooking her dinner and laying in bed with her rubbing her feet and back, only to have her wake up 4 hours later and say "are you going to be sleeping in here every night now" in an angry tone. Next thing I know she throws a pillow at my face. Now she wants to go get breakfast together. Yesterday I thought I was beginning to have this licked, today I feel I was set back days on end. Not to mention I only slept an hour last night because I laid by her and stared at her for 8 hours straight (creepy huh). Now she is getting ready for work, the kids are gone to school, and I took off work because I'm wired from not sleeping. I am going to be sitting her all day thinking about her while she works with this guy. I think I'm going nuts. Ohhh and she got paid, she worked 40 hours of straight time and 60 hours of overtime in a 2 week period, so she really was working when she said she was, of course he works there too at lest 2 days a week, and works from home the other 2.
Danny, why brother, why...

Why do you think people like me and other take the time, quite a bit in fact, to write to people like you, to help you deal with the crisis in your life.

So you will do the above? Rub her feet???? Do you think her other boyfriend rubs her feet after he is finished screwing her?

Are you still under that delusion that she is not have sex on a daily basis with her OM?

What are you thinking? KICK HER OUT OF THE HOUSE, TODAY.

Not in may, NOW... You think the things you are doing are going to convince her to love you?

Do you realize that she is laughing at you with her other man. Joking about what a weak twit you are, what a weak man you are?

Oh, no, she would never say those things about me... Yeah right.

I have done all I can do here. I am out...
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Old 16th November 2017, 10:17 AM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dannyStL View Post
I can't let go, as angry as I am she is returning home to our house every night. I check the phone bill and she is talking to the guy for at least an hour a day. I spent last night cooking her dinner and laying in bed with her rubbing her feet and back, only to have her wake up 4 hours later and say "are you going to be sleeping in here every night now" in an angry tone. Next thing I know she throws a pillow at my face. Now she wants to go get breakfast together. Yesterday I thought I was beginning to have this licked, today I feel I was set back days on end. Not to mention I only slept an hour last night because I laid by her and stared at her for 8 hours straight (creepy huh). Now she is getting ready for work, the kids are gone to school, and I took off work because I'm wired from not sleeping. I am going to be sitting her all day thinking about her while she works with this guy. I think I'm going nuts. Ohhh and she got paid, she worked 40 hours of straight time and 60 hours of overtime in a 2 week period, so she really was working when she said she was, of course he works there too at lest 2 days a week, and works from home the other 2.
Stop playing the game. The only reason she comes home every night is because her ducks are not going to be in a row until May, she still needs you until then. You can't compete with a fantasy so for your own mental health stop trying. Talk to a lawyer, you need to understand your rights, you need to know how to protect your rights to your children and you need to protect your finances. Everything you give her is going towards building her new nest with her boyfriend. You need to tell her that you are not going to be friends with her once she leaves. In her wayward cheating mind she thinks she will still be coming over to hang out with you and the kids telling you how happy she and her affair partner are and the three of you will be the best of friends.

You can't nice her back and you can't be friends. She has put you in second position, take yourself out of infidelity and get back your respect, talk to a lawyer. Please quit making yourself so available, get out of the house, do things with friends. How can she see what life without will be like if your always there? Initiate the 180 for your own piece of mind.
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Old 16th November 2017, 10:33 AM   #28
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Nope! Stay till may? Pleeeeze! Pack her bags and walk her the f- out! Anyone who can just say such hurtful and stupid things does not deserve a roof over their head. What does she say about the kids? Is she going to visit them? Or what exactly is the plan? I missed that part....
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Old 16th November 2017, 2:49 PM   #29
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Another turn

So we had breakfast today, and after breakfast rode to get her car washed, and order a cake for my daughters birthday this weekend. While we were cruising together she decided to invite me to go to Texas with her and the kids for 5 days over Thanksgiving to visit her sister. I got all excited and called around looking for someone to watch the dogs. I found someone and called her back telling her we were good to go. She was happy but said "I'm still moving out in May, so don't get any ideas". I was floored to say the least, why invite me to a place that a week ago you said there was no way I was going to? We would be spending 120hours straight together if I was to go, that seems insane for someone that wants to leave me and the kids. As far as the kids when the split happens, she plans to leave them with me, I assume she will pick them up on weekends at times. I'm actually happy that she doesn't want to take the kids.
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Old 16th November 2017, 3:47 PM   #30
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Danny you have received so much good advice to get rid of this woman. She is your enemy. You are so lost right now and you can't see it.

I was once where you were, but the difference, between us, Danny, is that I didn't know loveshack existed at the time. I only discovered this website after I finally grew enough balls to cut her out of my life, and only after that did I start getting real clarity for the first time (and I discovered this website which filled in ALL the gaps).

The wife you thought you knew is gone forever. It's time to start over. Protect yourself and your kids. Lawyer up now.
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