LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Separation and Divorce

When Do You Know Its Time


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Like Tree30Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 21st May 2017, 11:08 PM   #31
Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Into the great wide open
Posts: 699
Well, here I am, half drunk and seething and controlling my emotions.

The attempt to communicate sort of blew up in my face. I wrote everything down of what I was going to say. I planned it out. All my feelings about why I am unhappy. All the things I was going to tell her. To make her see that I am slowly being destroyed from the inside out both emotionally and psychologically.

Her response is, I am exhansted. I don't want to take about this now. I need to sleep. You got me all worked up for no reason. In other words, I dont give a flying ****.

Which part of this has turned into an unhealthy relationship am I not getting across.

I either rape her in her sleep or I go out and find a ****ing hooker and taking pictures of myself ****ing a hoocker to get out of this **** marriage.
jjgitties is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st May 2017, 11:14 PM   #32
Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Into the great wide open
Posts: 699
this ****ing woman has nothing left for me. i do nothing for her. i have become the cozy roommate. she even tried to blame my mood on my friends. i told her a total load of bull****. my friend actually loves his wife inside out. my problems with her barely came up for 2 minues when i went out with my friends a few weeks ago. their suggestion was, you need to schedule a romatic night out with just you and your wife. which part of this woman can't stand being with me do they not understand. are you figgin kidding me. i will schedule an entire weekend out just me and her.

i either cut my dick off with my chain saw or i file for divorce.
jjgitties is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st May 2017, 11:24 PM   #33
Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Into the great wide open
Posts: 699
btw. no, i am not going to rape the mother of my children. i have self respect and dignity.

but, i need advice. how can i convince a woman she has lost sexual attraction to a man. whats a good way to tell her, maybe its time you find someone who does it for you and let me do the same.

is it possible that a female could be so lost in her own fantasy that she doesn't realize she has lost it for her spouse?

at this point i don't care about bring a husband. i just want to be a father to my kids. i couldnt' care less whom she decides to chose to get horny with. i have bwcome numb.

Last edited by jjgitties; 21st May 2017 at 11:40 PM..
jjgitties is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd May 2017, 10:56 AM   #34
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Eastern PA
Posts: 180
You can't force someone to be attracted to you.

I have to say, I am a little concerned. If my H kicked my son, that would be a HUGE issue for me. I would lose a lot of respect for my H, and it would sink my opinion of him. I would not want to spend much time with him, either.

It's been some time now since that incident and you're posting drunk. You're saying things like your choices are to get violent with your wife or yourself, or file for divorce. You won't rape your wife because you won't dishonor yourself like that?

So, again, this was probably drunken rambling. At the same time, we have a lot of people in sexless marriages who never consider rape as an option.

This is on top of you actually being violent towards you son, and I have to wonder if you have a serious anger management issue.

Whatever is going on, you say that your wife can't stand being around you. No woman is going to want to have sex with a man who she can't stand being around.

My recommendation echoes prior recommendations: get yourself into therapy. I would also read the book "Love Busters" and see if you recognize any of the behaviors described in yourself, such as Angry Outbursts.
knitwit is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th May 2017, 6:09 PM   #35
Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Into the great wide open
Posts: 699
Not sure I love her anymore

So I posted a thread with my problems and issues.

I took some advice and confronted the wife and was very honest . I told her about how I am thinking about divorce a lot. E.t.c.

After a long talk we reconciled and has sex. But naturally thing went right back to where they were a day or two later.

One thing that resonated with me in previous thread is that maybe I just have to accept that she has become a different person. The way she is is who she is. And I don't want to be married to that different person. She has become.

What can I do? How does one break it to her.
jjgitties is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th May 2017, 7:02 PM   #36
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 18,797
Maybe she hasn't changed that much. The longer you know someone, the more you know the real person and things can break down. If both of you would like to save it, try marriage counseling.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th May 2017, 7:23 AM   #37
Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Into the great wide open
Posts: 699
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
Maybe she hasn't changed that much. The longer you know someone, the more you know the real person and things can break down. If both of you would like to save it, try marriage counseling.
No. She has changed. She is a different person than the person she was in her 20s.
jjgitties is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th May 2017, 7:37 AM   #38
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 8,197
There is a saying: If you don't know . . . you know. I.E.: If you don't know that you love her, you know you don't love her. Move on.
Redhead14 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th May 2017, 6:08 PM   #39
Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Into the great wide open
Posts: 699
Quote:
Originally Posted by Redhead14 View Post
There is a saying: If you don't know . . . you know. I.E.: If you don't know that you love her, you know you don't love her. Move on.
I think you are right. So then this is the part that gets tricky. How do you tell the woman who is the mother of your children that you want to leave her because you don't like being with the person she is anymore and you don't love her anymore? How do you tell your 8 and 10 year old that you will be leaving them because you don't like being with their mother anymore?

It would require a person to take on a very heavy amount of selfish stance to do that. I have been married and a parent for over 10 years and put the kids first. I don't think it's that easy to just flip a switch and say "I think I will become selfish now" and walk away.

I am beginning to understand how married couples stay together in a loveless marriage for a long time just for the sake of the kids and start sleeping in separate beds. And then divorce in their late 50s or 60s once the kids are adults and moved out of the house.

I am so ****ed!
jjgitties is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th May 2017, 7:13 PM   #40
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 5,168
Maybe like this:
Quote:
I'm not trying to start a war or a divorce conversation here, but I really feel like I've got to tell you, lately, I just haven't been feeling it for you. Probably the two biggest questions on my mind are:

1) Do you feel the same way about me?

2) What do we do about this?

I'd really like to have an honest conversation and hear your thoughts.
mightycpa is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th May 2017, 7:15 PM   #41
Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Into the great wide open
Posts: 699
Quote:
Originally Posted by mightycpa View Post
Maybe like this:
I kind of tried and did that last week. Something close to that effect.

She pretty much managed to turned it around on me and said everything "is in my head" and we are all very happy.
jjgitties is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th May 2017, 7:30 PM   #42
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 5,168
It's probably not unusual that someone would resist this message and try to slough it off.

You should try the broken record technique, and maybe answer your questions for you and ask if that's right.

Quote:
Hmm, so you're saying that you actually still love me. Then what I can only conclude is that your version of love means:

You're satisfied with the way that we communicate with each other.
You're satisfied with our sex life.
You're satisfied with our level of intimacy.
You're satisfied with the amount of things we do together.
You're satisfied with how well we get along on a day to day basis.
You're satisfied with my attitude at home.

None of these things bother you? Is that what you are honestly trying to tell me? You see nothing wrong between us? Is what we have really all you expect from a marriage?

What's your worst complaint, not about me, but about the marriage? What's the first thing you'd fix?
I don't know. If you really want to start a dialogue, I think it goes something like that. Eventually, she's got to give on something.
mightycpa is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th May 2017, 7:44 PM   #43
Established Member
 
OpenBook's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Deep South
Posts: 5,711
take charge of this

1) Find out (thru friends, your doctor, whoever you trust) who is a good/effective marriage counselor in your area.

2) Make an appointment with said marriage counselor.

3) Make arrangements for childcare during that time.

4) Tell your W you're both going to that appointment... and if she gives you a hard time about it, tell her that if she refuses to go that your NEXT appointment will be with a divorce lawyer.

She needs to get the message that your marriage is in big trouble.
__________________
"I prefer silent vice to ostentatious virtue." -Albert Einstein
OpenBook is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th May 2017, 7:53 AM   #44
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 6,610
Quote:
Originally Posted by jjgitties View Post
No. She has changed. She is a different person than the person she was in her 20s.
Well...yes. Hopefully she has grown as an individual over the intervening years; hopefully we are all doing that throughout our lives.

On the other hand, perhaps what you are seeing now that you are finding undesirable was really always there except that you put blinders on against them because you were focusing on all the stuff that you did like and found attractive in terms of how they played off/complemented your own personality's characteristics and traits.

So...you also have changed in the same way but only in a different direction. Now you're putting blinders on against all the stuff that you used to find attractive (that made you fall in love with her and marry her in the first place), and focusing on all the stuff that you ignored in the first place.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jjgitties View Post
How do you tell the woman who is the mother of your children that you want to leave her because you don't like being with the person she is anymore and you don't love her anymore? How do you tell your 8 and 10 year old that you will be leaving them because you don't like being with their mother anymore?
You do NOT tell your children anything of the sort! You tell them that you and their mother have grown apart as individuals and need to live as separate adults so that you can each realize more of your full potential. You assure your children that you love them and will always love them, and that you will forever owe a huge debt of gratitude to their mother for having shared her life with you for the amount of time that she did and for helping you become a father to your two amazing children.

And you tell their mother more-or-less the same thing. The split is only the consequence of your own and your wife's growth and behaviour patterns over the years. No one is less or more guilty or innocent.

The purpose of life is to realize our full potential to the very best of our ability. It is not 'selfish' to recognize that we have (carelessly, unwittingly, mistakenly, misguidedly) gotten ourselves into a set of circumstances and conditions that no longer properly support our further growth and self-realization.
It is, however, a fallacy and self-delusion to think that we are not ultimately responsible; that we are innocent, faultless and blame-free. (You have already said of yourself, "...of turning into an ******* and not paying any attention to her..." -- so you already know that you can't put the demise of your marital relationship ALL on her.)

You can build your own new life without having to tear down your wife or making her look 'less than' in the eyes of your children. In fact, for their sake and self-esteem,
you would want them to see BOTH their parents in the highest and best light possible.

Wishing you and your family the highest and best possible.
__________________
"Good or benign intentions do not provide a defence." ~ Tony Wong, Reporter
Ronni_W is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th May 2017, 8:07 AM   #45
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 4,779
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ronni_W View Post
You tell them that you and their mother have grown apart as individuals and need to live as separate adults so that you can each realize more of your full potential. You assure your children that you love them and will always love them, and that you will forever owe a huge debt of gratitude to their mother for having shared her life with you for the amount of time that she did and for helping you become a father to your two amazing children.

You can build your own new life without having to tear down your wife or making her look 'less than' in the eyes of your children. In fact, for their sake and self-esteem, you would want them to see BOTH their parents in the highest and best light.
Reread this, it is the best advice in this discussion.

Do not share your dirty laundry with your children or place the blame on their mother. If you do this, it will forever change your relationship with your children and they will never forgive you.
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
my husband would rather spend time playing online games than spending time with me littlemisscurious General Relationship Discussion 23 12th April 2015 10:00 PM
Time/Quality Time/Spent Time LFH The Other Man / Woman 42 24th March 2013 10:18 AM
Has Cool Off Time Turned to Silent Treatment? When is enough time enough time? lone_wolf Dating 6 5th March 2013 2:18 PM
What would make you happier - making $120k part-time or $250k+ full-time? D87 Dating 27 30th October 2011 11:53 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 7:08 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.