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-   -   Wife wants to separate (https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/641861-wife-wants-separate)

BarbedFenceRider 6th November 2017 7:44 AM

Monkey branching, Hypergamy..Whatever, you choose! One does not come out to the SO and say they are leaving and NOT have a plan in place. You are an effective wallet and security blanket. If your cool with that, then all is well. But if you really want a good, healthy marriage and family, this ain't it! Period.

road 6th November 2017 8:32 AM

Time for you to get evidence for women do not leave
their husbands unless they have already have his replacement
in place, an affair.

Refuse to separated or move out. Offer marriage counseling.
Though separate your finances to protect yourself.

Hide a VAR in your wife's car and another one in the house
were she takes most of her phone calls.

With out telling WW do the following:

Check the phone bills for any number/s that you do not
know but there are a lot of calls to and from.

Put a real time GPS on WW car. Activate the GPS on WW phone.

Check WW phone. Also does WW guard her phone? Another
bad sign.

CautiouslyOptimistic 6th November 2017 10:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nyclion (Post 7459476)
I haven't seen any evidence of an OM. This has been a gradual downhill slide in the marriage over the last 2 years, esp. in how she is feeling. She does not want to separate until Jan because she is too busy with travel in November, and wants to have December as a family for the holidays. So it feels like there is no big urgency on her part to shack up with somebody else. Also, she never spends the night outside the apartment.

That said, I get where you are coming from. I'd be a fool if I wasn't cautious and on the lookout for the signs.

Maybe the other man had to give a 60 day notice on his lease so he's not available until January.

simpleNfit 6th November 2017 10:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marc878 (Post 7459361)
From what I've seen separation is a prelude to divorce. You can't work on a marriage or anything apart. Real bad idea.

I suggested a separation months before I left with my own kids. My ex thought it would be a good way to work on things separately, but my intention was never to get back together. I made that crystal clear to her, but that didn't stop her from moving clear across the country w/o discussion to be closer to me to 'work things out.' Ugh.

Separations are mostly a euphemism for dating someone else until they find someone new and/or divorce. Just my view.

jjgitties 6th November 2017 3:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nyclion (Post 7459351)
She was depressed earlier in the year , fortunately she has recovered but is still on the meds.

As others have said, usually asking for separation is a kinder and polite way to ask for divorce. Either way, you need to deal with it and start realizing this might be a divorce.

I do notice the above though.. and also the comments of how she says she doesn't love you anymore but then also sometimes says she does and also how she brings up things from 10+ years ago.

Why are you so sure she is not depressed and has recovered? Maybe she has a depression problem. Maybe you need to accept and face that the person you married is depressed and that is a part of her and you either come to terms with it and accept it and whatever comes along with it or leave her and move on with your life.

S2B 6th November 2017 6:18 PM

There are times when an antidepressant causes a person to not have much of a conscience... allowing the depressed person to engage in things they would normally deem unacceptable... but somehow the medication takes away their conscience.


Maybe the medicine has made your wife really not care?

marky00 6th November 2017 8:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by simpleNfit (Post 7460138)
I suggested a separation months before I left with my own kids. My ex thought it would be a good way to work on things separately, but my intention was never to get back together. I made that crystal clear to her, but that didn't stop her from moving clear across the country w/o discussion to be closer to me to 'work things out.' Ugh.

Separations are mostly a euphemism for dating someone else until they find someone new and/or divorce. Just my view.

lol, so u say u made it crystal clear, yet you openly admit you lied by suggested a separation when u had already decided you wanted a divorce.

that was a pretty gutless move.

marky00 6th November 2017 8:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jjgitties (Post 7460287)
As others have said, usually asking for separation is a kinder and polite way to ask for divorce. Either way, you need to deal with it and start realizing this might be a divorce.

kinder for the one asking for the divorce :)

sugar coating breakups = selfishness

ayoung73 7th November 2017 2:19 AM

I see only one course of action: lay it out on the line, confront her, advise her of the situation and find a way to work on the relationship while living together. You both have expressed a desire to work on the relationship, but if separation is inevitable, get the attorney and obtain full custody of the children since she is not working. Ultimately, do you want to save this marriage? If not, get the attorney, get full custody, and move on; if not, work together and repair the marriage! Either way you may have to retain an attorney, especially if she’s being unreasonable. I will include your family in my prayers, father almighty give this family peace and healing, unite them once again as a family and make their lives that much better! Amen.

jjgitties 7th November 2017 5:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marky00 (Post 7460466)
kinder for the one asking for the divorce :)

sugar coating breakups = selfishness

what's the right way to do it then? go kicking and screaming and cussing at them. if a person wants out then they want out -- but that does not mean they need to loose all their manners and not be civil about it.

PegNosePete 7th November 2017 6:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jjgitties (Post 7460661)
what's the right way to do it then? go kicking and screaming and cussing at them. if a person wants out then they want out -- but that does not mean they need to loose all their manners and not be civil about it.

Eh? It is perfectly possible to tell your spouse you want a divorce and are not open to reconciliation and to make it clear that this is a permanent separation not a "trial", without screaming, cussing, or losing of manners.

The right way to go about it would be honest, open and pragmatic but firm and decisive.

jjgitties 7th November 2017 6:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PegNosePete (Post 7460668)
Eh? It is perfectly possible to tell your spouse you want a divorce and are not open to reconciliation and to make it clear that this is a permanent separation not a "trial", without screaming, cussing, or losing of manners.

The right way to go about it would be honest, open and pragmatic but firm and decisive.

thats assuming you are a "pragmatic and decisive" person to begin with. There are people in this world who are not "pragmatic and decisive" and just go about life that way. They get into marrages not being particularly "pragmatic and decisive" and agree with the other "pragmatic and decisive" person who dragged/cohersced them into it.

at the same token, there are people who are not "pragmatic and decisive" who become miserable and unhappy and have to go about breaking things off in a "unpragmatic and undecisive" way.

PegNosePete 7th November 2017 9:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jjgitties (Post 7460672)
there are people who are not "pragmatic and decisive" who become miserable and unhappy and have to go about breaking things off in a "unpragmatic and undecisive" way.

And those are the people who do it in the "wrong" way, which tends to end up with the other person getting hurt, led on, confused, angry, bitter.

Everyone has control over their own actions. If they choose not to do it the right way then that is a choice they make. Blaming it on "I'm just not like that" is a poor excuse.

nyclion 10th November 2017 4:14 PM

Firstly, heartfelt thanks for all your advice and perspectives. Seems like most of you have seen this movie before. I am just a few minutes into it. Spoilers are welcome!:laugh:

I will try to answer some of the questions asked

- is she planning on getting a job?
Long-term that is her plan. To do voluntary work in order to gain experience in her chosen field, so she can work in the sector that she wants to. But she is not filling in job applications right now.

- did she complain about financial situation?
no, she has never had to complain, because she has very little knowledge of our finances. I earn the money, she spends it. Very simplistically.

- where is her travel in November? Is she taking the kids?
She is going overseas to see her sick mum for 10 days (totally understandable as her mum won't be around forever). Bad timing as I need to travel for work that week so we have a nanny living in to look after the kids. Then she is going overseas again for a conference in Europe related to her voluntary work (a bit more dubious if that is really necessary). I will look after the kids those days.

- "women don't leave without a plan"
I don't think that she is planning to leave. Her hope was that I would move out for a trial separation, and she would stay in the home with the kids and her life would continue as normal. That won't happen because I am not going to move out, and she couldn't keep the apartment on her own. So she will need to rethink that one.

nyclion 10th November 2017 4:28 PM

Anyhow, I followed advice above and had a free consultation with a lawyer. He was very clear: DO. NOT. MOVE. OUT. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. He also described a "trial" separation pretty bluntly as "bulls##t"

Do not move out for 2 reasons:
1) puts me in a worse situation for child custody arrangements.
2) we can't afford 2 places when the payments on our home are so high

He also gave the following advice:
1. Make copies of all financial documents
2. Make sure there are no fights so 911 is not called (I hadn't thought of this one, but we haven't had any violent fights)
3. Do not try to force her to get a job as it will just make her defensive

Some of you said to do a hard 180. I am not sure that will work. She has been complaining of lack of emotional connection. If I cut off all emotional connection then I am just confirming her doubts. She had a panic attack last weekend and I comforted her through it. She hugged me after and said that for the first time in a long time she felt a small amount of connection to me.

We went through our monthly finances at the weekend and I showed that we can't afford 2 apartments without a drastic cut in standard of living. She started crying as she feels the emotional upheaval of moving with destabilize her and the kids (last couple of times we have moved she was always low afterwards because of the boxes, mess, overwhelming amount of things to do)

In bed we hug sometimes at night (but nothing more). We talk in the morning. Last week she met me near my office at lunchtimes to help me buy some pants and I went with her to get some of her clothes altered. I kiss her hello and goodbye on the cheek - but if I try to kiss her on the lips she complains that I am putting too much pressure on her. So there are signs, but I know that if I press her to ask how she is feeling then I will get the same answer - she does not love me and wants a separation.

Overall I am trying to give her space, try to connect emotionally, hope for the best, but prepare myself mentally that is could be over.


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