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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 3rd November 2017, 4:35 PM   #16
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You can't leave your child with this woman. Like it or not, you are a parent. You have moral responsibilities to your child. Own up to them. Keep the child safe. After that, do what you want.
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Old 5th November 2017, 11:22 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by cabbageman View Post
I'm a musician. I play alot, I tour, I have a full time job, on weekends I have gigs or am busy recording. I literally have no time to dad. Nor the interest. She knew this, yet no respect. I made a mistake and I acknowledge that, hence why I am getting a vasectomy soon. I see so many other dads and they just love everything about it, but I don't. I'm miserable doing this dad-thing. It's not for me.
I'm in the same boat as you. Suicidal/abusive ex. She attacked me, had her arrested, I even got scared and gave her custody.. then she attempted suicide and I took my boy (3yrs old at the time) and moved to a different state.

So I have my boy 100% of the time and yes I had to give up A LOT of my hobbies. I loved riding mountain bikes, golfing, hiking, etc. all of which have gone by the wayside. It's all temporary man. Your music will always be there. When she gets older you can incorporate her and I assure you it'll mean more.

I didn't like doing dad stuff either but wait till you see their eyes light up when you do stuff for them. It's magical. Also it's not always hard. My boy loves playing with his trains or games on the iPad. I get to work on my car, or do chores, or just surf the internet/relax. I have a date-night babysitter, went on a date last night actually. It's not all 100% time consuming is what I'm getting at... and it seems as though it gets easier every day.

My last point and I'll stop. Playing amateur psychologist: your ex is obviously damaged. Probably BPD or NPD like my ex. Your daughter will grow up in a loveless non-supportive environment. Your ex will try feverishly to dull the pain inside in however way she can and your daughter will be subjected to many many men entering her life, raising her for short periods of time until your ex feels the emptiness again and moves on to another man.

Just Google "raised by borderlines" and "raised by a narcissist", read the stories. Hopefully it helps. Good luck sir!
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Old 14th November 2017, 4:00 PM   #18
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Thanks for the advice.

I need more help.

1) She does not want to admit that our relationship is over. I try to make it clear by not spending time with her and by not involving her in my life. I stopped having sex with her. I sleep in a different room now. I'm not sure what else I can do to make it clear, she is in denial, but then in the next breath she says she is very lonely, so I do think she knows but is just heartbroken. She knows she's not allowed to drink anymore because often she'd get drunk and be physically abusive to me, and then threaten to kill herself if I left her. So yeah... I'm just not interested at all anymore, and I'm really tired of dealing with someone so miserable, so I've been going out more. Even before the baby when things weren't bad I just didn't care that much, we've both changed alot. I understand everybody has lows but this is ridiculous, I can't even have one day of peace at home. She can blame it on her family passing away (grieving), or her traumatic passed, or past partum (which is for sure real) but she does not seem to be capable of taking any sort of accountability for her own actions and emotions, and this is a huge turn off for me. I refuse to enable her either. And her excuse is that things are fine when I'm not there, so as you can see it's a vicious cycle because I'll suggest I just leave then and we're back to square 1.

2) Time management is an issue. I truly don't know how others manage. Not trying to be rude when I say this but why can't you put the kid in the crib or lock her up in a safe room if you want to have a shower or feed yourself? Your survival needs should come first. She freaks out every single time the baby cries, nothing gets done all the time. She seems to depend on me for her free time, I never agreed to this. Great grandma is thankfully stepping in and watching her now 3x a week during the day so she can get her therapy sessions and then my folks watch her once a week. I do not believe children need constant attention/entertainment, just supervision. They shouldn't be taught they they are the center of the world either. So it turns out our parenting values are totally different and definitely causing some friction. After all my work is done I have about an hour a day to spare watching the kid and for me that's plenty (quality vs quantity anyways).

3) If she were to move out with the kid I wouldn't be able to send support until I sold my house and found somewhere cheaper for myself to live. My mortgage is up in a year, seems like a fair plan to stick it out until we can part ways. But even then, she's either going to have to get a job and find a sitter, or, go on welfare? Is that what she'd have to do to make ends meet?

3) As far as keeping the kid goes I just don't know. I love my baby, I really do, but not at the expense of my sanity and happiness, I come first. I'd rather just be a weekend dad or not involved at all, that's how nasty the momma is. I don't even care about custody or personal property, take it all and be gone. People say oh you'll regret xyz, you're wrong, that's bad... but I've just never been a family man. I don't care, I'm not religious and we're not even married. Both of them deserve someone more available and invested and I deserve the free time I need to succeed as an artist. Don't worry a vasectomy is on the way, I'm not going to make this mistake again. Thing to note is that she wanted this kid much more then I, and although she's twice my age she clearly didn't think of the consequences.

I'd be more sympathetic if I wasn't being physically abused daily. Seems I might have to sell the house sooner then I thought.
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Old 17th December 2017, 12:32 AM   #19
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Sounds like you are going through an awful time. There are many things out there to help her. If you pay what your expected to pay and she refuses to help herself it's really out of your control. Hopefully she has some sense to not harm the child and gets herself some help.

Last edited by Xamer; 17th December 2017 at 12:37 AM..
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Old 19th December 2017, 1:58 PM   #20
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Some tough love about to come your way. I don't mean any disrespect but something is screaming out at me that I really think you need to consider. Mainly about your attitude and your failure to take responsibility here...

So you're quite happy for your daughters life to be destroyed in order to save yours? I'm reading over and over that being a father is "not your thing", and I'm therefore interpreting you to be putting your needs over your daughters. Whilst I don't deny that your partner has issues you are trying to blame her for these emotions you have as according to you she's "nasty". These emotions are yours and nothing to do with her. You need take responsibility here and understand that some selfish feelings are coming into play here on your behalf.

Like others have said, you can attend to your needs after prioritising your daughter. None of this is your daughters fault. You made her, it's your job to protect her. Work to provide for her. Who cares if this isn't exactly what you want. It's what she needs.

I have 2 kids, I do my own thing when they are not with me and I enjoy myself. You can do that too. Like yours my ex is off his trolley and if he ever tried to get custody of the children I would fight against it until the very last breath left my body.

Last edited by Calmandfocused; 19th December 2017 at 2:02 PM..
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