Beginning a Separation

[Valencia2]

Hi everyone. Ive never posted in a forum about anything but recent life events seem to require some advice.

 

Been married for almost 9 years in November. Two kiddos ages 7 and 4. Ive struggled for years with career choices and have been sticking around in a job that struggles to provide. I got sucked into making bad financial choices and hiding from my wife in fear of hear finding out before I got it taken care of. This has been ongoing for years. At one point she cheated on me because she was upset and frustrated. I forgave her and we moved on. She went to school, started working, and helped provide while I am still stuck at my dead end job. I continued to not tell her I was behind on bills and what not. She helped pay off credit cards and I am no longer hiding any money from her. I even got a second job at night while I'm applying for a new career.

 

She has been stressed and upset and feels like I have manipulated her and that we are always behind. She gets angry and yells and says some pretty vicious stuff. She recently reached her breaking point and has moved into an apt. She says that we need to be apart. I struggle for direction in this situation. When shes angry she says she is divorcing me when she has the funds to. On the other hand she says that she needs her space from me for awhile. (She signed a year long lease). Her emotions are a rollercoaster and she has changed significantly while we have been married. She still expects the best of me and has a hard time knowing why I did what I did and how I would love her.

 

She also has male friends that she talks to frequently since she moved out. I feel like its a coping mechanism for her. She tends to run from problems and I cling to what I love most. I'm doing my best to give her the space she needs. I confronted her about the male friends she has and if she is in a relationship with one in particular. She says they are friends and that she doesn't want to have any relationships until after we are divorced, but also that its really none of my business.

 

I get two stories. I get the "Lets fill out the papers now so you wont have any control over what I do" when she is angry and the "I just need some space from you right now, and pressuring her only pushes her away more". She has said previously that maybe this separation may be good for us but that shes not planning on working on our relationship. She wants to work on her and for me to work on me.

 

I want to be with her and don't want much more. I'm committed to her and want to figure it out and get my life in order. I'm trying to give her the space she needs but the other men in her life Im wary of.

 

What should I do?

[somanymistakes]

You've had an issue that caused a major disruption in the marriage, she's cheated on you in the past, she's moved out, and she's pushing for the papers. I don't think it's temporary space she needs, I think she wants it to be over.

 

She cares about you and that makes it difficult to be firm all the time, but she doesn't feel like part of a team anymore.

 

She's correct that if you're officially separated, it isn't actually your business if she dates other people, except to the degree that it affects the children.

[PegNosePete]

She's left you and the kids to live in a rental? She is totally in a relationship with that guy / guys. Just friends indeed, if you believe that then I have a bridge to sell you. The best indicator of future behaviour, is past behaviour. She has shown you in the past that when the going gets tough she jumps in bed with another.

 

What should I do?

First you should change the locks. She has moved out, and has informed you that her life is none of your business. You need to level the playing field: make your life none of her business either. Change the locks.

 

Then you should see a lawyer. Most lawyers do a free initial consultation so you don't have anything to lose by seeing one. Take a brief but accurate summary of all financial details with you (don't hide any debts etc). Ask the lawyer what a likely outcome is. Even if you don't have the funds to retain them, you can gain a lot of knowledge and advice in your free consultation.

 

Then go see another lawyer, and another.

[kenpatric]

Well, we understand, it won't be an easy thing to do right now. But do your best to get over it, sometimes accepting the reality is hard but once you accept the situation that you are in right now, things will get pretty much clear after that, And if both of you make up your mind for separation/divorce, child custody should be the first thing you should be concerned of. All other financial divisions are just a game of numbers.