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reconcile confusion

Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 19th September 2017, 2:45 AM   #1
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reconcile confusion

So the last year has been crazy. Here is our background we were married in Jan 2016 after being together 2 years. We have 4 kids, me 3 from previous and him 1 from previous. I have been married 1(to him) and him 4 times. Hes 17 yrs older than me. In oct 2016 i found out on fb he was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. I busted him on and he told me he didn't love me anymore. I was crushed, I went through the ever so damn slow periods of grief. I got myself some help and worked on fixing my own flaws. I am lucky enough to have a great job so i was able to live without him in my life. Like every women out there I kept praying and hoping he would come back to me. Though all the hell he put me through he never spoke the word of divorce and when i brought it up he would say i dont want a divorce. Im still madly in love with you i just dont know what i want. Well a few months went by and he started getting with a ex co worker we worked with. This girl is the type she is a gold digger. My husband makes good money so she took him hook line and sinker. Well he thinks im dumb but the point is i knew he got with her and let her move in. Long story short. I never stopped fighting for my husband. I eventually ended their relationship.
During all this time before i found out after the emotional affair my husband seemed like he was in a fog. The spark and the fun nature he normally is disappeared everyone around him noticed. Well after i ended the relationship with the girl and she moved out. My husband kept thanking me for dragging him from the pits he was in. We started dating again in July. And spending more time together. And getting the family together to do things. We still font live with each other. But we spend at least a couple nights together at either place.
The point im getting at is I finally have my husband back and have been happy. He calls me all the time and its like when we first got together. But the last couple days I have been doubting myself if i really want him anymore. I dont know why. I'm happy and I got the man i truly love back. Why do i feel so lost?
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Old 19th September 2017, 3:27 AM   #2
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Because the man you got back is not the man you married. He broke his marriage vows, he broke your trust, he broke every promise he ever made. He betrayed you in the worst possible way, he threw you in the garbage, he stabbed you in the back for some cheap thrills with another woman.

So the question really should be, why WOULD you feel the same about him, as you did before? He is not the man you thought he was. Deep down you know that his words are meaningless, because he already lied and broke every promise he ever made. You know that he could quite easily do exactly the same thing again.

This is what you need to overcome if you want to make your marriage work. It's not easy. If I were you I'd get yourselves into marriage counselling. You need to find out WHY he cheated and make sure HE understands why he cheated, and make sure he never cheats again.
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
-- Douglas Adams
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Old 19th September 2017, 1:40 PM   #3
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I, too, wonder if your doubts are tied to the fact that your marriage isn't what you'd like it to be or how it started out--living together, committed as a family. Perhaps counseling for both to understand why he cheated, how to move past it, how to rebuild trust, if it's possible, would help you move forward. I can't help but think about any impact on the 4 children, as they witness the challenges you are experiencing. Please consider counseling to get to the best place together possible!
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