Coping Difficulties (Separation)

[Aaron1975]

Hey everyone,

 

I'll try and keep this as short as possible.

 

I'm currently going through a separation involving the end of a 20 year, common law relationship.

 

I've been with my spouse for 20 years and we've lived together for 17. We have a beautiful 9 year old son who we both adore. I've been a stay at home dad for 8 of those years. Being a father to our son has been the best thing I've ever done and I'm sure the best thing I'll ever do.

 

The relationship between my spouse and I, on the other hand, has had its ups and downs and we've gone through periods where we're more roommates than husband and wife. There's bickering and stubbornness on both our parts. I've long thought about us going our separate ways, but stayed for a myriad of reasons, the most important being our son. In our more heated exchanges, she's wondered aloud if we'd both be happier apart.

 

I started an emotional affair last November and realized what it's like to be with someone I really want to be with. I won't bore you with the gory details, but after confessing in January, I went into a tailspin and found myself questioning everything. We attempted to reconcile (she's a wonderful person who was willing to forgive me, though I don't think we could have survived it) but, with some therapy, started viewing the affair as a symptom of the rot in our relationship and started looking at this as the nudge I needed to get out from under it. It took two anguishing months, a prescription of Lexapro and clonazepam and a trip to the psych ward before I was finally able to make a decision. My wife was and is devastated and I can't begin to tell you how guilty I feel about the way it unfolded. Also, the guilt that I'm "destroying a family" and "ruining lives" (her words) is all consuming at times.

 

When I first made my decision, I was relieved. I figured out how I would be able to move on financially (for a while) and found a nice apartment close to our (for now) family home. Our son, in the early stages, is taking it surprisingly well, though I know that most likely will change. We've agreed to co-parent to the best of our abilities. The past couple weeks, however, what were occasional pangs of guilt and fear, have turned into something all consuming. I am absolutely terrified. I am having doubts and second thoughts. I'm petrified I've made a horrible mistake, though deep down, I know this really is the best decision from the standpoint of our relationship. I fear this will get worse after I move out in less than two weeks. I fear this will engulf me. I fear I will wind up in the hospital, unable to care for my son, who means everything to me. I fear. I am terrified. I have very little support. My family's lack of sympathy (a simple inquiry into how I'm feeling would do wonders) is shocking and sad. I feel everyone who knows about this thinks I'm insane, though they don't really see the issues.

 

If I could, I'd like to respectfully decline any judgment. I get enough of that on a daily basis - from my wife and myself. I thought I'd post here in the hopes that maybe there are people out there who've been in a similar situation such as mine. I'm going to say I have more in common with stay at home moms. Maybe you had these same feelings. Maybe they go away after ramping up during the transition. From what my therapist has told me and from what I've read, this is normal, but it's really hard to believe that when the level of anguish is so deep. It's amplified by the fact I asked for this. Leaving this home, which I've taken care of and watched my son grow up in, is very, very difficult. It's my comfort and my stability. I feel like I've become unmoored, floating out to sea, heading towards the abyss and untold suffering.

 

It is telling though, how very little of my anguish has to do with missing my soon to be ex. I no doubt will. We've shared 20 years together, but that seems to be the easiest part of this, which confirms my decision.

 

Any comments or personal experiences or private messages would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you

Edited June 19, 2017 by Aaron1975

[Amas5750]

Hopefully someome with a sililar story replies soon

 

 

I have a different story

 

Im very, very scared too. My heart goes out to you as your fear and fear of future fear resonate with you.

[Aaron1975]

Hopefully someome with a sililar story replies soon

 

 

I have a different story

 

Im very, very scared too. My heart goes out to you as your fear and fear of future fear resonate with you.

 

Thank you, Amas.

[road]

Being in an affair will never let the WS recover their feelings for their

BS.

 

Bad counselors for they did not tell you this but only what you wanted

to hear so you keep going back and paying them money. What a waste.

[Rouik]

I am sorry you are going through this, I think the feeling of fear would be normal also , you are leaving what you have known for 20 years that would be scary for anyone. The biggest thing I think you can do is focus on your son, make sure he sees that you still love him and are their as a father for him. When parents divorced around the time I was 6 I can honestly say I never felt like I had lost my dad. They did a great job co parenting and doing everything to keep things as normal as possible. Shoot for that, it sounds like you have been a great dad so continue on that path and the rest will fall into place. Best of luck.