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The other side of the story (the abuser)


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Huband [35] and I [32] have been married 5 years with two children together ages 9 months and almost 3. He also has full custody of a 9 year old son from another relationship. He lives with us.

 

Backstory: 3 1/2 years ago (before kids), Husband and I separated for about 8 months after he lied about something major, with me moving out of the house. I realized I made a mistake and tried to come back without moving in but he was not receptive. We had a huge fight with me punching him ( I have never been abusive with any other partner) and he swore he would never speak to me again. I left that night, tried to apologize a week later, he ignored and did not speak to me for 4 months. He never filed divorce. Eventually, I searched the "how to get your ex back" forums and got a plan to try to win him over. He went from not speaking to me to being hot and cold. Finally he let me back in and I moved back into our home later vowing to never hit him again.

 

Last year I found out he had an affair. Full blown emotional and physical and was considering leaving me for her. Blamed our previous separation as the reason we grew apart. He carried on this affair for 4 months. I caught him with her in the act. I did nothing because I was so determined to show that my anger was not an issue any more. But it tore me up. My baby had recently been born. I did not want to leave so I did everything I could to save the marriage. I begged, apologized for the past, promised to change, and he coldy told me no. He refused counseling. It was over. I stopped begging and began to show him the change. Even though he was the one cheating, I made changes and figured I would sort through the infidelity once I at least had him open to not leaving me. He stopped seeing her and was back in love with me.

 

So here I was resentful because he had a wife who has begged and became better by cooking even when tired, etc. He did not want to discuss the infidelity at all. Saying it was in the past. Which meant I could not let go because I did not think he understood the impact of how he hurt me. I became revengeful but kept quiet. I secretly started seeing a therapist for my resentment and anger towards him. I was in therapy for around 4 months before my therapist relocated. Together we were working on anger management and why I was so codependent on him. Why I was willing to change myself so much for a man who was cheating? Why I lacked self respect/esteem. I felt I had improved.

 

Recently: Since my therapist moved, the resentment still lingered. I wanted answers. Apart of me hated myself for begging for a man. Also I wanted him to know how he hurt me in hopes that I could put it behind us. We had another argument 3 weeks ago surrounding me trying to talk with him about the affair and him stonewalling me. He said that I deserved to be cheated on but quickly apologized.

 

After months of therapy hearing that the person who cheated say I deserved it, I snapped. Months of trying to use anger management techniques. I hit him and told him to leave for the night. I hit him in front of my stepson. He left but returned the next day to get most of his things. He moved out with my stepson. We have not spoken expect for when he comes to get the kids. He seems indifferent when he picks them up. i know indifference normally equals over/no chance. Or it could not be indifference and just seeing that the marriage patterns will never change.

 

Here I am. After the shock wore off, I realized that I really messed up now. He will not forgive me. I plan to get back in therapy but: Why can I not see the bigger picture, he cheated and said he was not remorseful before apologizing. I cannot seem to think about anything else but how I behaved. I look at my children and cry because my actions are the reason their dad moved out. I understand that we do not need to be together but my heart does not get that. A small piece of me wants my family. I believe in for better or worse.

 

After the 5th, 6th, and 7th time you have been given a chance and screwed it up, where do you go for support? I blame myself and if he was smart he would not be with me. This last paragraph reeks of low self esteem but I can not see what he did right now because I feel so guilty. we are both 50% responsible but the guilt is intense. I will seek another therapist and focus of my low self-esteem that is so very apparent as I am typing. I hope I am better with my next guy although I would jump if he wanted me back I will not do anything to actively get him back. I lost his respect long ago by begging and it made things worst when he did come back because then I resented him and myself for losing my dignity. I refuse to pursue him. Deep down, I know better. I know this marriage will never work. I know that he is just as much responsible as I am. I recognize that I have low self respect and that if it ever gets violent you need to leave. I realize that I am a fixer and if i was giving a girl friend in my situation advice, I would tell her to RUN. I know all of this yet, my heart still pines for him and will not catch up to my logic.I know I will be dragged here but I seek hear about anyone else who has been here.

 

For those of you who are the large cause of your marriage failing after being given several chances, how do you move on? How do you find comfort in others when the world will only remind you that you are a cheater, abuser, etc. Abusers/cheaters are hung for filth on this site. Is there any support for those other side of the story or do we not deserve it? For those of you who have went through similar with messing up a final chance, How did you move on?

Edited by crowlady
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Quiet Storms

How do you move on? You move on by making sure it never happens again.

 

You did not deserve to be cheated on by your husband. Your husband did not deserve to be physically abused by you. Neither of you respected each other or the marriage. It would be a huge mistake, in my opinion, for you two to get back together, and your husband knows that. He should not have returned after the first time he left.

 

I can only imagine your devastation and frustration when he cheated on you and made comments about how you deserved it. But you also clearly know that your violent reaction was not appropriate, especially in front of his son.

 

You can't go back and un-do it. It's done. What you CAN do is use this story as a way to make sure that it NEVER happens again. You cannot raise your children to believe that violence is okay. You also cannot control what work your husband does on himself. You can just work on YOU, and I hope you do it.

 

I also hope, for the sake of everyone involved, that you and your husband do not attempt to get back together. Sometimes just too much damage has been done, and this is one of those times.

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Deep down I wanted to work on the marriage after he cheated but I was scorned. I recognized this as a problem and sought therapy. I tried several times to get him to understand how much he hurt me only to his deaf ears. I became secretly vindictive still trying to make it work by not acting. I failed when he poured salt on the wound and I resorted back to old habits of dealing with anger.

 

"I really want my family back together" My heart says. My mind says it wouldn't be wise. Everyday is a struggle.

 

Do you think he will ever stop hating me?

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SaveYourHeart

I guess I'm just a little cold hearted, but I would have slapped my husband too if he told me I deserved to be cheated on. Of course abuse is never okay, but y'all don't seem to get along very well. You deserve to be loved by someone who loves all of you, for your good and your bad.

 

Give your children the best example they can have by having a loving relationship or none at all. You and your husband are dangerous together.

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It's better that he's gone.

 

 

It's not okay to hit someone, but honestly I think he's using it as an excuse to leave you because he wants to leave you and he doesn't want to be the bad guy.

 

You gave him an out and now he'll make you out to look like the bad guy.

 

Let him go. He wasn't a good partner anyway.

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somanymistakes

It's not okay to hit someone, obviously. You know that, and you're already trying to work on your anger, although apparently it hasn't quite sunk in yet just how much you have been unable to deal with your emotions.

 

However I don't think smacking someone once is the same as being an abuser. When it becomes an abusive relationship, IMO, is if you guys try to stay together and work through this... while your anger simmers continuously and waits for another chance to escape. THAT's when the real abuse sets in. When you settle into a broken situation and continue to hurt everyone involved, when you make the pain just part of your normal.

 

You are not beyond help. But you risk becoming that way if you don't change your path.

 

You hurt yourself by begging him to come back when he hadn't changed. Eventually that hurt boils over into others.

 

DO NOT try to make him 'forgive' you now.

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I must say, what he did was so much worse than you hitting him. It's not comparable really, but I think he is taking the "physical abuse" thing and just running with it.

 

I'm not downplaying physical abuse, don't get me wrong. But there is a huge difference between getting punched by a woman versus getting punched by a man, unless that woman is a boxer or MMA fighter or something.

 

I've had girls take full on punches at me and ended up hurting their hand. And I just stood there and was like, "um you need an ice pack for that?"

 

I think...you certainly could have controlled your reaction better. But still, I like I said, he is taking this physical abuse thing and running to the bank with it.

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Thank you for the replies.

 

I spent months wanting to get revenge somehow. I know this was unhealthy but I felt that if I stayed without any consequences for him then he would just do it again. I never wanted to end things, only for him to realize what he had done so that it wouldn't happen again. However I know you can't make a person get it. I can't get out my mind that he was actually trying to prove himself to me that he was faithful although I don't think he realized how much it effected me. So I continued to sabotage everything trying to get him to get it.

 

Now that I've acted and even though it wasn't planned. In an immature way, I feel the score is even. I feel that he knows there are consequences now.

 

I am no longer resentful and feel I stood up for myself minus the wrongful hitting of course. I feel that I have my dignity back that I lost in begging him. All is well and I want him back. However I'm realizing that I hurt myself too becuase I am longing for him and he is not here. I'm hurting. He doesn't seem phased although it could be an act or just him being too angry to think of what was lost. Plan backfired.

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I think the issue for him was that it wasn't the first time and it was in front of my stepson. That is the real issue here. Now I am the bad guy and he is the victim. That kills me.

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For what it's worth, I don't think you are an abusive person. I think you should drop that label ASAP, because it's not you.

 

A real abuser hurts someone else to keep them in line, and to assert power, fear, and control over them.

 

You hit your husband because he provoked you with his lies and infidelity. You had a reaction, and like I said before, what he did to you was like 1000 times worse than what you did to him.

 

I don't blame you for hitting him. Screw political correctness. He deserved it.

 

Don't let your husband use this "physical abuse" as a manipulation tactic against you. Your husband most likely wanted to get a hostile reaction out of you just so he can turn around and play victim, even though he is the one who is lying and he is the one who is screwing other woman.

 

You must see this truth. The truth that he stabbed you in the back with betrayal, and then provoked you on purpose just to get a reaction out of you, and then guilt-trip you afterwards.

 

He knows he has power over you, and he knows he can toy with your emotions in this manner.

 

Don't fall for this trap. You are dealing with a monster here. If someone cheats on you in front of you and says, "you deserve it," that is a HUGE red flag. Something isn't right here at all.

 

Start researching narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath on the web or youtube. There are tons of videos on youtube about this. He might fall into one of these categories.

Edited by magnesium
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Interesting, if it we're a man would you all still be saying it's not abusive?

 

Listen, this is dysfunction 100%. However, I believe you are on the right track. Don't allow people here to make excuses for your behavior or minimize your actions. You aren't doing, it's not wise to listen to those telling you too. If you feel you're abusive then you are, continue to work on why. You're doing a good job so far.

 

Your relationship, yeah that sounds broken. I believe your husband is a tad manipulative, I envision a guy who knows exactly what buttons to push on you.

 

I think it's wise to work on your issues with the goal being, to become the very best mother and woman you can, not to remain his wife. Move forward with the thinking that it's over. Genuine lasting change can only be achieved when it's for ones self.

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Thanks for the video link. I actually watched it.

 

Ironic thing is I researched narcissistic personality some time ago. It seemed like he fit many of the traits but like usual I made excuses for him. One thing he knows is that I hate being ignored. I hate it. He would ignore me when I asked him about something over text and then in person say that he did not respond because he did not want to argue. So I backed down off whatever the issue because of course no one wants to be the person causing an argument.

 

I have actually told him before that I think you are a narcissist. But I thought all narcissist come back and not let you leave even when they are discarding you. Why is he so easily letting me walk away when there is no other source or other woman? (I do not know about currently, weeks later but for sure at the time it happened). And he is not being difficult during this time like they said he would. He does not seem to be trying to get even with me like the traditional narc, as he seemed to have moved on easily. Another excuse I am making for him maybe? He is more of a passive aggressive person that most narcissist. I know you can be both and they are normally connected.

 

Why do I want this person so badly after all he have done to me? I can only think of what I done. I wish I was one of those people who can hurt someone who hurt me and not feel bad about it but I am not.

 

I was thinking of apologizing to him because I feel so bad. I kicked him out without a place to go but I ask myself am I apologizing as the beginning stage to trying to get him back? Did he feel bad for me when he was out cheating? I will do nothing now but I can not say I will be this strong forever without groveling for him. Too bad we have kids together because this will be a long struggle since I can not cut him out completely.

Edited by crowlady
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My heart hurts so bad. I had been doing ok but today is the worst day I've felt since we split.

 

How can I forgive him a thousand times and sure he forgave me about 100 but was I that unlovable that he had to leave me (I kicked him out in a rage but only for the night not permanently) How can you go from loving someone to cutting them out without a care. I feel lower than low.

 

This feeling is what happened last time before I begged him back. I broke and caved. I can't do that this time but being a single mother has been so hard! Small tasks Fuchs as taking a shower requires so much planning.

 

I miss him terribly. I'm stuck between a rock and hard place and I'm pretty sure he hates me. I thought about staying in from work just to cry in bed all day.

 

I'm thinking of all the times he bought me flowers because I was ill or took the kids out to give me a break. Why couldn't I just let the cheating go and forgive after he apologized? I blame myself. Is he feeling any of this in my absence? I assume not since he has not contacted me.

 

Understand that I would normally be the bigger person if I was wrong and have no problem apologizing but at this point that's all I've done and it caused me to resent him for it. I can't do it this time. I'm taking pride in knowing I have not begged him back. I feel like I am proving to myself (yes I need to) and him that I can be strong and make it with out him. To the outside I seem fine, made it through my husband cheating and leaving me. But is that really a prize when all I do is come home and cry. Not leaving the house until it's time for work or kids need something. What good is dignity when I'm dying when I'm alone.

 

I was thinking of filing for divorce so that I could get closure. My logic is that if we divorce then maybe I wouldn't have this strong desire to fix this since I'm so do the right thing save your marriage. I spent a time last night researching divorce court proceedings and what to expect. I researched attorneys. It could be the reason I am so down today. I dread going through that.

 

I'm here to vent because I do not want to send this to him. Any replies will be helpful.

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somanymistakes

 

I miss him terribly. I'm stuck between a rock and hard place and I'm pretty sure he hates me. I thought about staying in from work just to cry in bed all day.

 

It doesn't matter if he hates you - he's not good for you.

 

I'm thinking of all the times he bought me flowers because I was ill or took the kids out to give me a break. Why couldn't I just let the cheating go and forgive after he apologized? I blame myself. Is he feeling any of this in my absence? I assume not since he has not contacted me.

 

But he wasn't really sorry, was he?

 

Everything hurts right now but you CAN get through this and you WILL be stronger without him.

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aurelius99
You both are a little even now, he emotionally hirt you and you returned the favor by physically hurting him (although a slap across the face is still peanuts compared to what he did). Good for you, you showed him you don't take crap and are capable of hurting back when cornered.

 

Would you say the same to a MAN who physically assaulted his wife after she cheated? I don't even need to hear your response. You know damn well you're a hypocrite with double standards on this one.

 

My ex wife assaulted me with a blunt object, leaving several bruises, because I looked at porn and she thought I deserved it. I never received any apology after years later.

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stillafool
Would you say the same to a MAN who physically assaulted his wife after she cheated? I don't even need to hear your response. You know damn well you're a hypocrite with double standards on this one.

 

I agree and most people tell women who have been hit by a man to leave and never come back because he will hit you again. The same thing happened here. I can only imagine how many men would love to hit their cheating wives but know they will end up in jail. Not all women are 100 lb weaklings who can't physically hurt a man. Some women these days are as large as men and can do damage. No one likes to be hit.

 

All of that aside, OP I don't think your H ever got over his affair partner and only came back to you because of the kids. If he really loved you he would have been the one to go to therapy about his cheating. He would have been the one trying to make it up to you and put him family back together. Not you working overtime to prove to him you are a better wife so therefore he shouldn't cheat.

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I've almost made it through my work day and I'm not looking forward to it. I dislike my job but would rather be at work where I am distracted. I hate the weekends now.

 

Hitting is wrong whether it is from a man or woman. I have never once not owned up to it. I have never been violent towards any other previous partners. Granted, I've never been disrespected so much so maybe I didn't have a trigger before. I did not grow up in that type of environment either.

 

As far as him being not being over the affair partner, I don't think this is the case. Thats another story.

 

It seems the common advice here is to leave him alone for good. Again I'm not trying or doing anything to get him back but I can not help how my heart feels. Dropping my kids off to spend time with daddy is one of the hardest thing.

 

He does not want me and it could be for the best because I don't think I would've ever left him. Still makes me sad because I am madly in love all these years later. Is there anyone here that believes this marriage can be saved? Not one soul? Maybe I'm too optimistic/gullible.

 

Why do women forgive men time after time but he will leave her after she messes up

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I'm up unable to sleep again. As time passes I'm finding it extremely hard to let go. I still have not told him how I feel because I did most of the breaking of the ice/needy chats after most of our disagreements. I would always be first to break which caused me some insecurity and him taking advantage thinking I would never leave so I can not do that this time because I finally have an ounce of respect/dignity back.

 

Change in events. I finally had the courage to file for a divorce. He hasn't signed but have had the complaint for a while. I only filed because I thought I had no chance or reconciling and as long as I'm married, I would continue to be in this position because I'm so anti-divorce. If he doesn't want me I need to let go and this is the only way I can although I don't want to.

 

Anyways, husband had to come back to he house temporarily. He's staying in separate room. He hasn't said how long he's here. I assume a short while since he hasn't unpacked and keeps his belongings packed after using them, even putting dirty clothes back in his tote and not in the hamper to be washed. Showering in guess bedroom. I can tell he's not planning on staying long. He speaks to me but only in passing. No sex initiated on either parts. I don't start conversation becuae I'm terrified he'll reject me. He is being nice and not cold.

 

I have been giving tons of space since he's been here and not asking any questions about where he's going/plans etc. haven't talked about the marriage.

 

What should I do? Here is my last chance. He maybe thinking because I file divorce that I'm the on who would reject him. I haven't apologized for hitting him so he may not know where I stand about wanting to stay together. Do I risk everything and tell him how I feel or is it too little too late? i want to ask him to try again but him rejecting me would kill any progress I've made at trying to heal. What would you do?

Edited by crowlady
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I'm up unable to sleep again. As time passes I'm finding it extremely hard to let go. I still have not told him how I feel because I did most of the breaking of the ice/needy chats after most of our disagreements. I would always be first to break which caused me some insecurity and him taking advantage thinking I would never leave so I can not do that this time because I finally have an ounce of respect/dignity back.

 

Change in events. I finally had the courage to file for a divorce. He hasn't signed but have had the complaint for a while. I only filed because I thought I had no chance or reconciling and as long as I'm married, I would continue to be in this position because I'm so anti-divorce. If he doesn't want me I need to let go and this is the only way I can although I don't want to.

 

Anyways, husband had to come back to he house temporarily. He's staying in separate room. He hasn't said how long he's here. I assume a short while since he hasn't unpacked and keeps his belongings packed after using them, even putting dirty clothes back in his tote and not in the hamper to be washed. Showering in guess bedroom. I can tell he's not planning on staying long. He speaks to me but only in passing. No sex initiated on either parts. I don't start conversation because I'm terrified he'll reject me. He is being nice and not cold.

 

I have been giving tons of space since he's been here and not asking any questions about where he's going/plans etc. haven't talked about the marriage.

 

What should I do? Here is my last chance. He maybe thinking because I file divorce that I'm the on who would reject him. I haven't apologized for hitting him so he may not know where I stand about wanting to stay together. Do I risk everything and tell him how I feel or is it too little too late? i want to ask him to try again but him rejecting me would kill any progress I've made at trying to heal. What would you do?

 

I'm sorry crowlady, I feel for your heartache....

 

Apologize for hitting him, and let him know that you feel that you both have contributed to the downfall of the marriage and that you are sorry for your part in it. Tell him divorce wasn't what you hoped or imagined for your future with him, but that the dysfunctional direction the marriage headed is not something that can be continued.

 

Let him know that you are open to starting over IF he is, but a full start over, divorce, date, learn to love each other again. You guys are too muddled in the damage that has been done to the relationship to keep this one alive.

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Thank you for replying.

 

Is divorcing really necessary in order to rebuild? We are in the same house now. We are married (dysfunctionally but married) now. What can I do about the now? Is there anything I can say to get him to stay? Or is it a lost cause. I imagine I only have a few days to convince.

 

Single motherhood is hard now.

 

What if he meets someone else?

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Interesting, if it we're a man would you all still be saying it's not abusive?
I guess it depends. Did she knock him on his @$$? Is he bruised? Did she put some fear into him? Or was she beating against what might as well have been a brick wall?

 

I think the correct reaction is in the mind of victim. It's like if your little kid starts hitting you because he's angry. Do you feel abused or amused? What about if a professional boxer starts batting you around? Totally different.

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No bruises or knocked out cold. Nonetheless it was still not right. The real issue is not being able to control my anger in that moment, not so much the damage done. Regardless, I regret it and it would never happen again. I only need another chance.

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somanymistakes

You need another chance in a different relationship, though.

 

I am hoping that you will find one and be happier there.

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Regardless, I regret it and it would never happen again. I only need another chance.

 

I'm not sure what else you two can do to damage the relationship. The sad part is, you both justify your actions as a reaction to your spouse, meaning with the right trigger either could offend again.

 

I feel bad for the children that have been a part of this drama. I'd suggest focusing on providing a stable environment for them and let the rest go...

 

Mr. Lucky

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