Just Back From Iraq, Found Out Wife Had And Affair

[woundedsoldier]

I recently just got back from Iraq. I was deployed to Baghdad for a little over a year. Before I was deployed I was engaged to be married. And eventualy just before I left, I got married to my girlfriend of two and a half years.

 

Before I was married, or even engaged my girlfriend broke up with me after about 1.5 yrs. Things really felt "unsettled"..weird if you would. I found an email from some dude on her computer. I asked her about it, and things went downhill and eventually she broke up, saying she didnt love me. About a month later she came back , saying she did love me and it was something she needed to do to be sure. Fair enough, I beleived it and somewhat respected her for doing it. I still didnt trust fully that she didnt cheat on me, for some reason. Gut feeling. Although we were not Married..so be it.

 

So we got back together, things were really good. I proposed to her and then of course we got married. Upon return to the states we were going to have a "real" wedding, as we did a JOP wedding. Not by my choice, as I was worried that she would resent me for that, as she did want a real wedding. Anyways, to make a long story short, I get back three weeks ago. She sits down with me and says, look I dont LOVE you anymore. I have no feelings for you. I was blown away. She started talking divorce, and I was further blown away.

 

A week ago, she called me from work saying that the OBGYN called her with some test results. Saying that she tested positive for Herpes. I told her to come home. I consoled her for hours, she was very upset. I was again, shocked.

 

Its difficult returning from a deployment, but all in all I was doing pretty good, until this happened. ( The divorce talk ) Here is the issue, I found out accidently that she did in fact have an affair with a conductor of a symphony she played in. Only thing is she doesnt know that I know. I have not brought it up, as I want to make sure I have thought this over carefully. Recently (within the past few days) stated that she wanted to really try on our relationship.

 

So in a nutshell im looking for some help on this one. I do Love her very much, but it almost looks like she doesnt really feel the same way. I thought marriage was the ulimate trust , and now am left feeling very confused, and hurt.

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[woundedsoldier]

So I confronted her on the whole affair thing. She froze..and instantly got cold ...real cold. She said we have "nothing" left to talk about. I insisted, but only got her to take off from the house repeatedly saying its over. I cannot beleive this. So as of today I am looking for a new place to live, and she refuses to see me. Can you beleive that? I am her friggin husband . I am deeply..and I mean deeply hurt. She also said I need to get out of the house NOW! So I am with a buddy for the time being. Its so uncomfortable ...I feel like I dont have a "real comforatable place to go in the whole world. Feel like a kid. I know I cannot forget what she did, however I can forget. But even if she changed her mind in a few weeks...ah hell with it!!! I would do anything for this girl...but she is just not in love with me. I wish I had a bit of rational thinking going on. Mabe I have..I know that I have to push on. What kind of person can do this to someone else, especially undre the circumstances.

 

Mabe it really is me. But I dont know what to do. I would take her back...however Im not so sure that is the right answer.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Wait a minute, let me get this straight.

 

1. She cheated on you before, you forgave her anyway, and married her.

 

2. You went to serve your country.

 

3. She cheated on you while you were gone, and NEVER admitted it, but you found out through other sources. She got HERPES in the process.

 

4. She told you she didn't love you when you got back, and wanted a divorce (and threw in the news about the herpes just to make the whole divorce thing (what she wanted) go down a bit easier, all the while conviniently leaving out how she got that).

 

5. She changed her mind, and did want to work it out with you (because she loved you - and/or because her herpetic boyfriend didn't want her anymore, and she was trying to come to terms with being able to find someone else with her newly found condition, and knew that you were somebody she could take advantage of even though she didn't really love you?).

 

6. You told her you knew about the affair and how she had betrayed you but even despite what she did, and even despite her herpes, that you were willing to forgive her for it and work on the relationship.

 

7. Suddenly, upon hearing that you know, she doesn't love you anymore, again wants a divorce, says it is over, and storms out.

 

8. She comes back, orders YOU out of YOUR house (in which she has been sleeping with the other guy getting herpes).

 

9. You leave, and go crash at a buddies' place.

 

10. Last I heard SHE had thrown YOU out after doing all this, and were crashing at your buddies' place while the cheating woman lives in your house. How exactly does this lead to talk of taking her back? Please start thinking straight. It is OVER. At this point, just concentrate on making this as painless for YOU as possible.

 

If you have second thoughts or if she flip-flops again and miraculously starts to love you again while contemplating who else is going to want her, considering, I'll leave you with your own words:

 

What kind of person can do this to someone else, especially [sic] under the circumstances.

 

 

You need to go home my friend, tell her to please get out of your house (or she can stay in the spare bedroom if she wants, since it is probably in both your names and you can't make her leave - yet), get a really good, really mean, female divorce lawyer, and count your blessings that you dodged a bullet before you had kids with this woman.

 

I know you love her, but my God man. THINK about what she did, and we're way beyond love here. She quite obviously has ZERO respect for you to treat you like that. Was there at least an "I'm really sorry" in there somewhere? First what she did, twice, then you ask her to acknowledge her betrayal so you can work on the relationship, and she purports to throw YOU out of YOUR house??? Screw that.

 

Go home and be very civil. As a side note, I recommend you do not sleep with her, as you might get something you don't want.

[SoleMate]

Tough situation, my sympathies. If I were you, I would have a real hard time ever trusting this person again. Particularly since she really hasn't come clean to you.

 

Getting married right before deployment was probably not a good idea, ESPECIALLY since you were already having gut feelings that she was not faithful and trustworthy. Your gut was trying to tell you something that your head refused to admit.

 

She says now that she wants to work on this relationship. But we both know the history - she can and does flipflop from month to month. So be aware that if you accept her promises now, it's just a matter of time before she goes off the deep end again, leaving you hurt, confused, and betrayed.

 

Even a totally loyal and permanently committed couple (which you two apparently never were) would have lots of trouble in a 1 year deployment. Please google for "marriage builders" and read about the concept of the Love Bank. Basically, when you are apart for 1 year it is hard for either of you to make deposits in your account in the other person's Love Bank, so your love can stagnate or decay if you don't have a very solid foundation, PLUS do whatever it takes to keep that flame alive.

 

You're a nice guy, just a bit naive. I don't see lots of hopes for this marriage, but if you do give it a try, please do keep your eyes open, and let your judgment and intelligence get involved in some of the decisions (not just your loving heart).

[Cecelius]

I think other advice on other posts was simple. A cheating wife of any kind is bad enough, but what you describe would be unforgiveable. Your pride is the only thing you should be taking care of now.