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My husband wants a divorce and it is coming out of no where


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My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years and have known each other for 7 years. About 2 months ago he told me he wants to get a divorce. This completely came out of the blue for me. He told me he has felt this way for the past 8 months and his mind is made up. There is nothing that is going to change it. This is all a huge shock for me. He has had these feeling for 8months and just recently told me and want me to speed up the process. I don't feel this is fare to me. I am trying to take this all in, it is so much.

 

I love him so much and want to work this out. He is unwilling to go to counseling or talk with anyone. He says he has tried for the past 8 months but nothing has changed. I did not know any of this. Had I known, we could have tried to work things out together. All he keeps saying is how we have grown apart and are not the same people anymore. I feel like I don't even know him all of a sudden. Where is all this coming from? I feel like the rug was just pulled out from under me.

 

He says his mind is made up and there is nothing I can say or do. The more I try, the more it just pushes him away. I want to understand, but I am so confused. He will not let me in.

 

He has already filled for divorce. Is there any hope? I just want to make things better but I'm not sure if I can. He keeps telling me how guilty he feels b/c of all the crying I have been doing. I know he is sincere and really feels bad, but I feel so unloved by him.

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I dont have much advice to give you as your story is almost exactly as mine. The only thing that has truely helped me to come to terms with things is counselling, for myself. I was able to figure out what I was going through all these years, and how I contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. I've also come to terms with what he's done, and what kind of person he is. I'm a little less than 3 months into it, so I'm not sure what's ahead of me, and how i'll feel, but I've done all the pleading, crying, and nothing has worked. It's only pushed him further away. He was very determined on getting a divorce, and kept forcing me to settle things out together, but he never even went to see a lawyer. I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do, but one of the first things I did was closed all shared bank accounts, and went to see a lawyer. You need to protect yourself. In the emotional state I was in, there was absolutely no way I could think straight and protect myself, and settle things with him because I would have done anything to get him back.

 

I wish you luck, and if you figure out how to get back with your husband, please let me know :)

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Can you force someone who doesn't want to do something? I doubt it. If he is unwilling to talk to you about it or see a counselor then I really don't see any hope. He says things haven't changed in the last 8 months but didn't even tell you that there was a problem.

 

Did you sense that your marriage was in trouble or did he just tell you it was? If you had no clue then he is just blind siding you. I would wonder if he has someone else because of is he hurrying so fast to be free. Has he moved out or is he still living with you? I would look for clues of another woman and if you find one then hit him for all you can get when you go to court. I wish you luck. You deserve more than he is giving you....

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This entire process just blind sided me. I had no idea he felt this way. And it is hard to come to grips with, b/c I don't even know how he really feels. He has completely shut me out. Everything I try just makes matters worst.

 

We are currently still living in the same house. He is putting a rush on me to either sell the house or buy out his half. I told him the other day that this was moving so quickly and I needed a little time. Now he is upset b/c he wants to take his section of the money and start over. I am just so confused as to why this is happening.

 

Anyone that tries to talk to him just pushed his away. He has his mind made up and thats that. I've asked him several times if he is seeing anyone and he says no. I did believe him, but now I'm not so sure. How would I even know? He has been going out with friends almost every night this week. If I ask where he is going or who he is going with he acts like I'm giving him the third degree. I just don't even know who he is anymore.

 

We don't have our court date yet for the divorce, but we are looking at some time around June. I just don't know what to do until then? I just want him to come clean and open up to me, but I know I can't do that.

 

I just started going to counseling for myself, that is not an option for him. He absoulutely refuses to go. So if he is not willing to seek counseling or talk with me or anyone else, I just don't see much hope there. I'm just having a really hard time taking all this in. I thought we were happy and were going to spend the rest of our lives together, now this is happening. I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

Thanks for listening

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LucreziaBorgia

I would bet there is someone else involved - and he is keeping mum until the divorce is final. It is pretty much a moot point though, by this time. Just keep working things out for yourself in counseling.

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In my case, there was another woman. He confessed a few days after he moved out. I think he might have been scared to stay in the house with me if he told me about the other woman. It's kind of funny, because a week prior to him telling me he wants a divorce, he told me he had a dream that I tried to posion him. I laughed and said my cooking wasnt that bad. Now I know why he had that dream. lol

 

My husbad did the same rush with me. I told him to buzz off. He's had several years to come to terms with this, and I've only had a few days. I told him to suck it up, and he'll have to wait until I'm ready because there is no way I'm going to make quick decisions and regret my mistake. Take your time with the legalities. Protect yourself by seeing a lawyer, but dont make any final decisions until your mind is really clear.

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I believe your husband has found another woman. Most guys are cowards: They usually don't leave one woman unless they have another lined up. The affair, which he kept hidden from you, was the reason you were blind sided. In an affair, the cheating spouse inhabits this parallel universe with the other woman into which you cannot peer because you don't know about it.

 

Most guys compartmentalize well, too. We can act "normally" with our wives while, at the same time, planning our escape or exit from our marriages into the willing arms of the other women.

 

My best guess is that the affair has been ongoing 6-12 months, and your husband is in that "affair bubble" and is in love with the OW. It's as if you no longer exist. Cheated- on- wives disappear in the minds of cheating husbands. That helps minimize the guilt, and any sense of responsibility to her. What you can't see, you can't hurt.

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Originally posted by MySugaree

My best guess is that the affair has been ongoing 6-12 months, and your husband is in that "affair bubble" and is in love with the OW. It's as if you no longer exist. Cheated- on- wives disappear in the minds of cheating husbands. That helps minimize the guilt, and any sense of responsibility to her. What you can't see, you can't hurt.

 

Do they ever snap out of it? Or do they truely love this other person? Does age make a difference? ie a guy in his 30's as opposed to his 50's? Kid's vs no kids? etc

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Don't let him push you into making any decisions until you are ready.

Tell him, he had eight months to think about, you should get the same.

I also think that another woman is involved.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this.

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How do I know if he is having an affair? I know when I ask him he says no, but I don't really expect him to say yes. I just can't believe it.

What do I look for? I'm waiting for the cell phone bill to come in this month so I can take a look at that. He is always on his phone, and tries to be so secretive about it.

I just never thought in a million years that he would be the one to hurt me so badly like this. He used to be so different. He is now almost on a self destructive path and I'm affraid of what will happen to him. I still love him so much.

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LucreziaBorgia

You'll want to get a detailed cell bill. Do you have any mutual friends of yours that you can talk to that might be able to shed some light on the situation? There's always the option of hiring a PI, as well.

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Do they ever snap out of it? Or do they truely love this other person? Does age make a difference? ie a guy in his 30's as opposed to his 50's? Kid's vs no kids? etc

 

If the affair is long term--eg, 2 or more years and intensely emotional--the MM often does not return to his marriage. What wives must understand is that their husbands, when in these long term affairs, leave their marriages emotionally, psychologically and intellectually. An affair sucks all the juice out of a marriage until all that's left is a dried husk. Often, even when the affair ends, and they almost all do, the marriage, not to mention the wife, no longer feels the same to the cheating husband. It's as if the wife is a stranger and the marriage, an alien state. And he truly cares about neither.That's why it becomes easier and easier for cheaters to cheat after that first time. The ties no longer bind.

 

Is affair love "true" love. It depends. I suspect for many--especially cheating wives--love is felt.That's the perverse thing about affairs: love, which is traditionally a unifying emotion, rips one spouse right out of his marriage. Love can harm; it can destroy.

 

As for the guy's age, my suspicion is that age does not matter. Husbands will have affairs in their 30's, 40's, 50's and even 60's. An affair is a function of gender, opportunity and connection (with someone "other").

 

Kids do enter the equation when it comes to leaving. The younger the children the less likely a MM will be to jump out of the nest. He'll stay "married"(at least in some sense of the word) for the children, not for his betrayed spouse. And while kids will keep many guys married, they don't keep'em faithful.

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Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

I would bet there is someone else involved

 

EXACTLY what I was thinking.

 

If it was a matter of soul-searching and him realizing that he was no longer in love with you, I think it would take longer than eight months. And IF it WAS soul-searching, what's the hurry? IF there was no one else, a few extra months getting things together to make arrangements and move out wouldn't make a difference.

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MySugaree, thanks for the insight :) I'm still in the bargaining stage, but slowly moving into acceptance.

 

My husband met this women 6 months prior, but claims they only went out 1 month before he asked for a divorce. He also claims it was only an EA. He has very strong feelings towards this woman, and wants to take it slow with her so that he knows if he's in love with her. It just kills me and so I'm grasping at straws trying to understand what happen. He has huge resentment towards me because he's been unhappy for a very long time (atleast 3 years), and yet he never tried to talk to me about it. I can understand why he went to this ow. I take part blame in that. But I also realize my needs were not met by him either, and I've been sick with anxiety and depression. In the first month after he left, I have been extremely open about everything, the things I've been feeling, and doing, and yet he cannot find a way to forgive me. Right now I'm just focusing on myself and making myself better. But I would love to know the future, I'm a control freak :)

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In the first month after he left, I have been extremely open about everything, the things I've been feeling, and doing, and yet he cannot find a way to forgive me. Right now I'm just focusing on myself and making myself better. But I would love to know the future, I'm a control freak :)

 

dgiirl, forgive you what? For not being the other woman? For accepting his proposal of marriage? Give me a break! If you're going to cheat, and leave your wife, then do it. But don't pour it on the betrayed spouse in some lame effort to justify your betrayal and dishonesty. Don't make her feel even in worse. Many cheating husbands lack the courage to accept responsibility for their betrayal and, believing a good offense is a great defense, blame and fault the hapless spouse.

 

 

"If only you were more affectionate." "If only you met my sexual needs." "If only you were a better wife." Etc.

This litany of "if only's" is all BS. It's a cowardly and cruel cover for HIS weakness, neediness, betrayal and duplicity.At least possess the courage of your faults.

 

As for the future, get your life back together. You deserve better, much better, than your weak and needy horndog of a spouse.

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heh... wow, I just realized how pathetic I just sounded :) You're absolutely right. I'm really torn between taking blame and being extremely pissed at my husband. But I know I didnt deserve for him to find another woman, and then just split.

 

I'm definitely trying to get on with my life, but I'm still too focused on him, and it's something I have to stop doing. I'm going to bookmark your thread for future reference :) Thanks!

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You all who are separated read

 

"Hope for the separated" by James Dobson.

 

It tells you just what to do to keep your respect and possibly your spouse.

Every behavior he talks about in the book, my exh did and it turned me away from him.

 

I have to bet there is another woman involved. He is in a "fog" and won't talk about it because he doesn't want to get taken to the cleaners.

 

Bide your time until you get evidence before you make decision.

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Just thought I would post an update.....

my husband or soon to be ex-husband has recently told me that the reason he wants the divorce is b/c he doesn't love me the way a husband should love a wife. He will always love me, he is just not in love with me anymore and doesn't want to be. He has no interest in doing anything with me. How am I supposed to take this? I know I wanted some answers, but now what the hell do I do with them. I confronted him about seeing anyone, I know that he is not going to admit it to me, I just had to do it for myself. I have to be able to tell myself that I gave him every opportunity to come clean, and he didn't. All he told me was that he has plenty of friends that are females, and he can do whatever he wants. I have no right to ask him what he is doing or where he is going. I was speachless when he said this. I also found several emails to a female that I have never heard of, when I confronted him about this, he basically said the same thing. Didn't admit to anything or deny anything.

I am going to a lawyer this week, because now I simply do not trust him. He has been lying to me for god knows how long. I just don't want to get screwed out of anything that is mine.

Does this ever get better??????

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MySugaree

The circumstantial evidence is mounting that your estranged husband is, or has recently been, unfaithful.

 

Instead of concentrating on the lies, try to focus on protecting your material and emotional well being. I recommend protecting the marital assets, and seeing an individual counselor. Once your assets are secure, and your emotional state stabilizes, divorce him.

 

I guarantee that things, over the long and near term, will improve. We all heal.

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LucreziaBorgia
my husband or soon to be ex-husband has recently told me that the reason he wants the divorce is b/c he doesn't love me the way a husband should love a wife. He will always love me, he is just not in love with me anymore and doesn't want to be. He has no interest in doing anything with me. How am I supposed to take this?

 

That is generally want a man tells a woman when he is seeing an OW on the side and plans to leave you for her. If he has got it in his mind that he is going to divorce you, there is nothing you can do but get a good lawyer to help you protect yourself in the upcoming sh*t storm. Are you in an 'alienation of affection' or 'criminal conversation' state? You'll want to talk to your lawyer about this too, if you are.

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Originally posted by amu2005

I am going to a lawyer this week, because now I simply do not trust him. He has been lying to me for god knows how long. I just don't want to get screwed out of anything that is mine.

Does this ever get better??????

 

I'm really sorry to hear this. I went through this pain 3 months ago (he told me, then left the next day), and am still going through the pain on a daily basis, but trust me it does get better. Get a lawyer, know your rights, and clear your head. Do not make any arrangements right now while you are under emotional distress. Just know what you should do, and if/when your husband pressures you to make arrangments, do not talk to him, or tell him you'll talk with your lawyer before agreeing to anything. My lawyer has been amazing for me. He's not out to get revenge, and has litterally talked me down out of anger. He knows the best situation is if we can both divorce amicably, but he's definitely not going to let my husband talk me out of my rights. Your husband is probably under a lot of emotional distress too, even tho he's not showing it to you. But right now you have to stop focusing on your husband's needs, and worry about your own. Treat it like a business deal. You wouldnt make any agreements unless you knew your rights.

 

Things that I've done that helped me was read up on relationship problems, and communication. It allowed me to really focus on something to see if there's a solution. I think it was all in vain, but it really kept me focused and allowed me to keep faith that something will happen. I slowly went through all the emotions, grief, anger, bargaining, acceptance, and started all over again. I keep going back and forth between all the emotions. I've implemented NC for my own sanity. It's allowed me to keep faith, and slowly accept the situation. Talk with your family and friends, but make sure they just listen. Dont let them say anything you really dont want to hear (he's a jerk, you're better off w/o him, he'll be sorry, etc). Just keep getting up in the morning, dress, take a shower, and keep going outside (no matter how bad you feel).

 

My husband finally stopped pushing me once he saw his own lawyer. He was suppose to get back to me 4 weeks ago with a proposal, and I've yet to hear from him. I'm still holding onto faith, but I'm also realizing I deserve so much better than a guy who just abandons his wife.

 

Therapy has definitely helped!

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Thanks for your reply dgiirl. I'm sorry that you had to go through all that, but hearing your story helps me know that I'm not the only one.

Things right now are extremely tense b/c we are still living in the same house. He is pressuring me to make up my mind about what I want to do with the house. Either sell it and split the profit or I will refinace and stay there myself. I have told him that he can't bully me into making a decision and I don't feel stable enough at the moment to make such a big decision. My emotions are on fire. I've been going through all the stages. Sad, mad, angry, and then I repeat them. I try to appear like everything is fine when he is around, but it is killing me inside. Sometimes it works and I break down once he has left, but other times I find myself sobbing while he is home, I just can't control it some days. And everytime he sees or hears me crying, he says oh great what did I do now. I tell him he hasn't done anything new, I'm just going through a lot of emotions. He just doesn't seem to understand.

 

I wake up every morning with full intentions that today will be a good day, some days are, but others just seem to get worse. We still haven't gotten anything in the mail regarding our court date. I think I'll have my lawyer look into that. He thinks that I am going to try and screw him out of everything. Maybe I should, but I'm not that type of person. I couldn't live with myself afterwords if I did try anything like that. I just want what is mine and what I am entitled to. That is the only reason I agreed to go talk with a lawyer.

 

In my mind, I have already decided that I could not bear to live in the house without him there, just too many memories. If I have to have a fresh start, then I want everything to be fresh. I only want to stay in the house until we sell it. I just don't want to put it for sale until the divorce. My soon to be ex tells me that I am just prolonging things and making us both miserable. I just keep telling him if he wants to leave, that is fine, but I'm not going anywhere. He is pretty frustrated with me at this point. I just don't want to deal with moving right now.

 

I am trying to remember the man that I used to know and love, but he is no longer there. Now I am dealing with this angry man who comes home and picks fights with me and is trying to lay guilt trips on me. I know in my head that they are guilt trips, but he has a way of pushing my buttons and making me feel horrible.

He just will not leave the house for example, a week or a month b/c he claims he has no where to go and no money. He is out almost every night or at work, so we don't see lots of each other. But the times where we are both home at the same time are like torture. He hounds me about the house, and I'm trying to keep a daily routine. He tells me there is nothing left for me here and I should just move on. He no longer loves me and I should just accept that. I am trying to, but it is extremly hard. And I feel he has no idea. He has no idea how upset and hurt I am by the fact that he has this new female friend that he confides in. And now I have no right to know what he is doing or where he is going. I know we are in the divorce process, but for the moment we are still married.

 

I'm still going to counseling, I hope that will make things a little better.

Thanks for listening.

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Originally posted by amu2005

Thanks for your reply dgiirl. I'm sorry that you had to go through all that, but hearing your story helps me know that I'm not the only one.

 

That is another thing that has greatly helped me. Almost everyone I knew played my story. It's very weird but yet reassuring because they got through it, and I admire them greatly.

 

 

Things right now are extremely tense b/c we are still living in the same house. He is pressuring me to make up my mind about what I want to do with the house. Either sell it and split the profit or I will refinace and stay there myself. I have told him that

 

Gosh, I dont know what I'd do. I know living together must be extremely difficult. And I dont think you guys will be able to "heal" while still living together. But I think you're doing everything properly. Just dont let him guilt trip you into making any rash decisions. If he's so eager to leave, he'll find a way to go. Dont worry about him or his money.

 

You should talk to your lawyer. Ask him what your husband can do legally. Make sure you're protected inside the house, and that you have time to sell the house when you're ready. When my husband left, he really wanted to go on with his life, and was pressuring me about selling the house (give him a number and all that bs). I talked to the lawyer and he told me my husband cannot do anything. If he was to try to kick me out of the house, it would take him atleast two months to fill the paper work, and then a judge would never kick me out of the house since it's the only place I have to go (and to top it off i'm losing my job). That gave me a sense of safety that I can take my time and not worry about my husband. Sure my husband used the, "I can break into the house if i wanted to" card, but I just let it slide. I knew he had no right to do it (since he left). He's calmed down recently.

 

I wake up every morning with full intentions that today will be a good day, some days are, but others just seem to get worse.

 

That is great! Just keep doing it. When the emotions hit, let them. Dont try to block them. If you need to cry, cry!. I spent a week alone in my house and just let it all go. I screamed, I hit the pillow, I did everything. Noone was around, and I was able to do whatever I needed to do. Just make sure you dont get into depression. When you feel yourself slip, call a friend, go for a walk, do something.

 

 

He thinks that I am going to try and screw him out of everything. Maybe I should, but I'm not that type of person.

 

Yeah, he played that card on me too. Dont listen to him. If he says "You dont trust me", tell him you have no reason too. I even threatened my husband. I told him if he pushes me too hard, I WILL snap, and he definitely does not want me to do that.

 

I just don't want to deal with moving right now.

 

Nor should you have to! Again, talk with your lawyer and see what you can do.

 

I'm still going to counseling, I hope that will make things a little better.

Thanks for listening.

 

Every day it will get better. During the really bad crying spells, I kept praying for strength to get through this. I have faith that this was meant to happen. I was meant to learn something from all of this, and I have! I've learned a lot about myself, what i've done, what i'm deeply afraid of. I'm still learning. I know at the end of it all, I'll have a better understanding of what I need and want in a mate. I believe you'll get through this.

 

I've read a lot about marriage, and seperation. The one thing they all said was to work on yourself. At the very least it'll boost your self confidence and might even get your spouse back. I knew the state I was in, I could never get my husband back, so I kept on working and going through the pain. My self confidence is coming back, and now i'm questioning if i even want my spouse. I'm actually happier now than I ever was in my marriage, and yet I still have hope and faith he might come back. But if not, then screw him :) I'll learn from this mistake to make my next marriage even better. He made this decision, but I'm going to make it right!

 

Protect yourself and keep moving!

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