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Divorcing, feeling guilty


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I have been married for 18 years. He has a child who was 2 when we married. We moved from a foreign country to US some 16 years ago. We have a child together.

His son joined us when I applied him a green card. My in laws and the boys mom interfered a lot of our life in a bad way. He never took any action. His parents stayed with us for a year when his son joined us, caused as much damage to our family as they could. He did nothing. After they left, soon I realized something wrong with my kid, who later diagnosed as autism. I put my career on hold for 5 years to help my child. He did minimal of anything.

 

He is lazy. Never did any cleaning, barely cooks, almost never took kids out play by himself.

 

His son, I took care of him mostly. There are a lot of behavior issue about him. He will not take care of any issue. Only told him not to do those things in from to me and to avoid me.

Few years ago, finally I got my career back to track since my kid's condition almost resolved. He has to be the one to take care our kid since I have to be away for 3 years. We can see each other on weekend. He literally leaves all the house work for me. I had to clean, cook, cook for their food for all week whenever I go home.

 

He lost temper on me sometimes. Especially come to his son and his parents. He ever broke dishes, grab my mug and smashed it in the past.

 

I grew up in a culture that you marry for life. I had been trying so hard to keep this family together. And I had been always chasing goals... such as making my kid better, fighting off his parents, mostly how to stay with my sanity with his son driving me nuts everyday.

 

He is lay back person. Negative. Always felt he had a bad life in the past, always able to come up with excuses why he could not do anything.

 

Good things about him: he seems never cheat, never mind I have my family money (I always have similar salary), he can be a backup when I really need him for the kid, he shops for my clothes when I need (he has hundred of shoes,shirt, pants himself, I have may be 5%what he has).

 

We had a fight about 10 months ago. The reason he said mean things to me and left me crying and travels hours back to my work was that he did not give him attention. The kid was sick that weekend, I was not feeling well too. He did NOT text me or talk to me all week. I felt he did not care about me at all, not eve mentionlibe. Ever since, we are in ice cold relationship.

 

He said he is trying to make things better. No much from what I can see. He is able to drop the kid half way for me when I have weekend off. Although his son hates me, we are still paying his college tuition. And he is still doing things to put me in very bad position with his son. I do not think he is on purpose, but it is the fact he always makes me the bad person.

 

I do not think I will be happy with him anymore. For the last 12 years of the marriage, it is more like I am the fighter to defend this marriage. I am going to have much high salary when I am done training. I leave most of our property to him. But he always put in a way that what he sacrificed to come to this country with him, how unstable his job is......anyway, seems I ruined his life

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No, we did not. I think I was insane how I put up so much with him. I do not want to waste my time anymore. I want to come to a home clean and neat, I do not have tell anyone to hang their jacket, put away mails, put their bags away, can you please do not spit in trash can..... I do not want to hear someone farting and pooping in the bathroom when I am having my breakfirst.... I am tired to correct someone all the time or have to hold my tongue. I want peace

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You should have peace. Everyone deserves to be at peace.

 

I don't know why you feel guilty about leaving a bad situation. You should be proud of yourself for daring to start over. Anybody who tries to make you feel bad about getting divorced is not worth worrying about.

 

It's your life....not theirs.

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He makes me. Since he always emphasize how much he lost to come with me, how horrible he life with his parents since he had to be with grandparent for 10 years, how unstable his job is, how lonely he will be....

And some of my friends, said I am at least partially responsible for his bad habit. I begged him to paint the deck for years. I had to do it before I left house for my training. The last time I asked him, He lost his temper and said it was no big deal about the deck, if it is rotten, he will built a new one. I guess I had too much on my plate and too unproductive to fight him.

I am so done. Now he is all nice. Yes to everything. It is too late and too little. I found it is terrible that when a women's heart died, it will not come back to life for the same person again

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It's quite common for wives from abroad to be mistreated when they are brought over. I have no doubt you will be better off without him and he may just get another wife from your country or another.

 

 

They feel you owe them eternal gratitude and that you are a servant more than a wife.

 

 

They take advantage of the fact that you are not familiar with the country and basically want a cook, cleaner, maid and someone to have sex with. It's no surprise that some of these men, can't get anyone to marry them in their home country, because the woman would go back to her family quickly. You had no family there, so you feel trapped. I've seen that situation so many times.

 

 

Well done for making the decision and good luck for the future.

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  • 4 weeks later...
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Not first time post....I am the one want the divorce since I realized that I was nevered loved. The divorce is on going. I am just very sad because I really wanted this marriage to work out, it was my believe to marry one person for life. Can not go back to old life, do not want to accept the failure of the marriage. Struggling with pain everyday, waiting for the pain to go away. He showed more selfish side of himself. Basically, he will strip me to bare minimal financially. Hard believe a man till today states that he loves me being so cruel to me. (Financially I will manage even I will walk out without a penny for now). Believe he never really loved me,only loved the comfort I brought him. Can not bring him to court since that is not something I want to do. A lot of times,I do even know where the sadness come from, tears just keep rolling

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Equitable distribution shouldn't leave you penniless unless there is a lot of debt.

 

 

As sad & bad as it feels now, you will eventually heal. Hang on to that future promise.

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Hugs, Fdb.

 

You have made a very courageous and self-affirming decision - even though it may not feel that way, right now.

 

From what you have shared, you are in no way to blame for the fact that your (former) husband did not do very much, if anything, to improve or support his career/professional skills and earning-potential. All his decisions and choices fall squarely on his own shoulders; you have nothing over which to feel guilty.

A lot of times,I do even know where the sadness come from, tears just keep rolling

Your sadness is coming from the fact that you are a loving, compassionate, caring human Being, and from the fact that your marriage is ending. It's a normal and

to-be-expected emotion and experience for this situation. Just because you are the one who initiated the divorce doesn't change this.

 

I would encourage you to keep being courageous and strong - exactly as you have been through all of this. Equality and justice are higher qualities; so,

if you do need the help of the legal courts to uphold these, then that is still you standing up for your values and higher-level principles.

 

All the best,

Ronni

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Thanks Ronni!

We have a property together, almost paid off. I want 25% off the money we paid towards the house (only principle, not include interest), he refused to take home equality loan and give to me. He knew I would not see him in the court since I will not have the heart or time. He offered me 7% what we own together. We had joined everything in the past.... He does not agree to sell the house, does not agree I keep the house and give home 75% of house value. Meanwhile, he is also saying how much he loves me......

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. He knew I would not see him in the court since I will not have the heart or time. ......

 

 

You are cutting off our own nose, despite your face. Stick up for yourself. Go to court.

 

 

Please talk to a lawyer. If you are not a US citizen & he brought you over here, he signed certain immigration documents that obligate him to support you.

 

 

If you don't do that you deserve what little you get.

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Will see the lawyer for agreement soon. I will walk away naked, almost. I will rebuild. I never cared about money for my entire life, hope I can still take it lightly. After everything settled, if I need more money, I will moon-light. Need to pick up my exercise routin. My baby needs me, my mom needs me, I have sisters love me, good friends care about me, orphans that I may can take under my wings later. So much life to live, need to cheer myself up! ( feel bipolar sometimes, today is a better day when I got a lot task done)

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  • 1 month later...

Courage to you to move forward. If you feel in your heart of hearts it is over then weigh, decide, and act.

 

Divorce is just painful - it is a lot of pain now and getting your freedom back vs. much more pain later and for years.

 

Blessings!

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I guess today is one of the bad day. I did not have my daughter with me this weekend. Went out with my friend for a lunch. She is not married and on match website right now. Suddenly it makes me feel so afraid to being alone. Being with someone for so many year..... but deep in my heart I know that I was alone in a way anyway. Down the road, I just do not have a grown up baby need to be taken care anymore, not a man can love me and protect me. I am crying, like a lot of time I do, to moaun the marriage I worked so hard to maintain, to moaun the dead dream of marry for life......

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  • 2 weeks later...
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I am home for 3 weeks vacation, meanwhile, he is away for almost 3 weeks in our home country. The house is trashed from garage, to every level of the house. I was cleaning and hired some one to clean too. All the time what on my mind was: the house would fall down one day since he did not do anything around the house. Then I looked inside me and could not understood why should I care since he is one keeping the house and will not give me anything if I do not file a contested divorce.

Did I really loved him so to take care almost everything? Or I was just a keeper who tried to work this marriage out?

I feel that he is keeping all hit pride now. But what this pride cone from He barely can take care of anything inside and outside the house, makes similar salary as me, never there was a moment I feel safe or relief because his presence, the maximal feeling was that I was not alone

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It seems like you are growing and he is stagnating. I would discuss this with him in marraige counceling and tell him you will leave him if he doesn't demonstrate a desire for better relations.

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Among other things....I wouldn't bother cleaning the whole house and garage after he trashed it......just clean one room for you and your son. And don't pay anyone to clean your H's mess. Leave it for him, just close you eyes, it's time to leave.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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It has been a year since we had the last fundamental fight. He talked to my sister and told her how much he still loves me. I do not buy anything at all. He is returning from our home country and I am stressed out to some degree already. For me, there is no return disregard how much I am fear for the future. Keep telling myself everything will work out. Stay strong, stay positive, keep holding the sky for my child......

Regardless, many many times I wonder, how did I get here, how could I put up so much, how could

someone just being a taker.....

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Among other things....I wouldn't bother cleaning the whole house and garage after he trashed it......just clean one room for you and your son. And don't pay anyone to clean your H's mess. Leave it for him, just close you eyes, it's time to leave.

I did not clean further

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Stay strong! Look at actions over words. Trust the actions. Best wishes for a brighter future.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Only two months left till I am done with my training. I mailed out the deposit for a condo for my child and I will stay when I return to where my child is. I understood that I really loved him is why I was in so much pain. Also I understand now that I always can not stand the situation, always Unable to change it or accept it, leaving is my only way out. I stopped crying. I am still worry how he can survive on his own but I will not give rest of my life to take care him.

Please give me your bless and please pray for his happiness too. He is not an evil person, just very limited to give, share and be responsible.

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amaysngrace

You are so sweet and so deserving of somebody who treats you well. Not too many people would ask others to pray for the person they're divorcing.

 

You are truly someone special.

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  • 5 months later...
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The divorce is on going. Money is a big issue since he wants to strip me to bare minimal. I make very decent amount of money. But my daughter and I need some money for the rainy days before I can rebuilt.

I always wonder how we came today? How did I let him get away everything? And how just talking to him became an torture?

When he yells, I feel his desperation and pain. But there is nothing worth me to stay to be his wife, to make him financial stable.

He will never change because he never thinks he did anything wrong. Our he will say sorry without any action. He just called me the woman has the most evil heart out of anger, just like other times when he was angry he said awful things.He said I ruined his life because he was a surgeon back home, now he is nothing since came to this country with me......

Everything seems just like a nightmare. I do not want to be alone but did I really have a partner ever? Did I really have man to make me feel beautiful, loved , special? I feel I have been the maid, the dough-maker. I never felt beautiful when I was with him.

After a long day of work,how much I wish there will be a warm face waiting for me for dinner, someone can listen to me to yelp about how crazy work got or funny something happened during day...... I never had that, wish it could happen someday. I am using all of you to vent, my appoligies

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VeganButEatMyMeat
I want 25% off the money we paid towards the house (only principle, not include interest), he refused to take home equality loan and give to me. He knew I would not see him in the court since I will not have the heart or time. He offered me 7% what we own together.

 

The divorce is on going. Money is a big issue since he wants to strip me to bare minimal. I make very decent amount of money. But my daughter and I need some money for the rainy days before I can rebuilt.

 

Tell your lawyer and your husband that you'll be asking for 50% now and spousal support. Probably doable being married 18yrs. When he sees you're serious he'll happily give you the 25% you're seeking. Don't let him bully you, you are entitled to way more than he's offering.

 

You need to approach this not as a relationship failed but a failed business that needs to be split.

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