Israfil Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 that is the question... Hey Shackers: I need advice on this one. I was the dumper in a long-term / live-in / fiance relationship. It has been almost 6 months now since the breakup, and I was wondering if I should write a thank-you type letter, letting him know how much he meant to me, how he positively impacted my life, and all the things I learned from him. A Good Thing? or Salt in the wound? Thanks, Isra PS: There is no chance for reconciliation (on my part). Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 NO!!!!! if he does not know what he meant, then oh well. Personally, if i recieved something like that, i would be thinking i had some sort of chance for reconcile..... Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 I agree that the letter may seem like you want to reconcile. However, your PS asks if you have a chance for reconciliation. Do you WANT to reconcile? Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 No way man! You'll come off like a weird-O. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 Absolutely not. Maybe if someday you run into each other and/or become friends you could have a conversation that professed that sentiment. If he didn't want to end it this would certainly feel like salt in the wound. If you really needed to do something like this it should have been a lot sooner after the break up - it's been six months now he's probably started to move on with his life without you. This could be a major set-back for him. PS: There is no chance for reconciliation (on my part). Then don't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Artifact Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 Sounds like an invitation to reconcile. I'd say if you are hanging out, it comes up, you tell him it WAS meaningful, etc etc (yeah, he should have already known) then good. Otherwise, let it be. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 Originally posted by Israfil A Good Thing? or Salt in the wound? I disagree with everyone. Having received a letter from an ex that informed me how I positively affected his life and how through our relationship he learned what it meant to be a good boyfriend I think this letter may be beneficial to the receiver. As long as the wording leaves no vague areas and clearly demonstrates that the intent of the letter is not reconciliation, but a thank you for the impact this person had, I think you should go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 Oops. Sorry. I mis-read your PS. There is the chance that the recipient may think you are being sarcastic or sorry (that you are wishing you hadn't split up). Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky I disagree with everyone. Having received a letter from an ex that informed me how I positively affected his life and how through our relationship he learned what it meant to be a good boyfriend I think this letter may be beneficial to the receiver. As long as the wording leaves no vague areas and clearly demonstrates that the intent of the letter is not reconciliation, but a thank you for the impact this person had, I think you should go for it. You can't listen to Pocky, she gives weird advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 Originally posted by tiki You can't listen to Pocky, she gives weird advice. Whateva. Israfil likes my advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Israfil Posted March 5, 2005 Author Share Posted March 5, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky Whateva. Israfil likes my advice. I leeeerv Pocky! Thanks, everyone, for your advice. But, yes, my fear is that he might see this as an overture to reconcile. That is why I thought after six months it might be ok? I dunno - I'm still conflicted. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 You can of course clearly state your intention not to reconcile. Do it at the opening and at the ending of the letter, so that he won't get his hopes up at the beginning of the letter, nor when he reads the end of the letter, could think "she wants to reconcile." Added:And after 6 months, it is okay. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 But, yes, my fear is that he might see this as an overture to reconcile. That is why I thought after six months it might be ok? I dunno - I'm still conflicted. I think a lot would depend on the nature of the break-up & your current relationship with him. I also think you need to consider what it is that you hope to gain by sending him this letter. What is the purpose of it? Is it to appease some guilt that you carry? Or is it a genuine desire to express some gratitude towards him? Pocky had a nice experience receiving such a letter from a former b/friend. What I don't know is - were they engaged? Had they been living together? What was their break-up like? I get the impression from you that this was rather an intense relationship & he didn't want things to end. Am I right? Regardless, I fail to see how it would be beneficial to anyone but yourself, in which case it would be a rather selfish thing to do (and to be honest it kinda sounds like a 12-step thingie). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Israfil Posted March 5, 2005 Author Share Posted March 5, 2005 Originally posted by bluechocolate I think a lot would depend on the nature of the break-up & your current relationship with him. The breakup was amicable, but wanted by me, not by him. There really is not current relationship - sometimes we talk on the phone. It is civil but he is distant. I also think you need to consider what it is that you hope to gain by sending him this letter. What is the purpose of it? Is it to appease some guilt that you carry? Or is it a genuine desire to express some gratitude towards him? Its not to appease any guilt that I have. I don't have guilt from this relationship. I broke up with him because of HIS wrong doings. Overall, though, I really really want to express my gratitude towards him, and let him know that to me, the relationship was not in vain. He has been, quite possibly, the greatest influence in my life. I get the impression from you that this was rather an intense relationship & he didn't want things to end. Am I right? Yes. Regardless, I fail to see how it would be beneficial to anyone but yourself, in which case it would be a rather selfish thing to do. really? Thanks bluechoc. I really appreciate the response. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 This Overall, though, I really really want to express my gratitude towards him, and let him know that to me, the relationship was not in vain. He has been, quite possibly, the greatest influence in my life. means that this Regardless, I fail to see how it would be beneficial to anyone but yourself, in which case it would be a rather selfish thing to do is not the case. I was kinda thinking like maybe you felt guilty because he was very upset about the break-up (not necessarily because you did anything wrong) & that maybe you thought this letter would somehow make both of you feel better - ie. leave you feeling less guilty & leave him with a slightly boosted ego. To be honest this is the first time I've come across someone wanting to do something like this & my first reaction was "Yikes! What is it gonna do to the poor guy if what he really wants is to be back with you?" Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Originally posted by bluechocolate Pocky had a nice experience receiving such a letter from a former b/friend. What I don't know is - were they engaged? Had they been living together? What was their break-up like? I get the impression from you that this was rather an intense relationship & he didn't want things to end. Am I right? Regardless, I fail to see how it would be beneficial to anyone but yourself, in which case it would be a rather selfish thing to do (and to be honest it kinda sounds like a 12-step thingie). Yes we were engaged. We were together five years and lived together four of those years. The break up wasn't mutual, but handled honestly and maturely. He wrote me about two years ago telling me these things. It meant a lot. I think I've even kept the email. He was my best-friend. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky Yes we were engaged. We were together five years and lived together four of those years. The break up wasn't mutual, but handled honestly and maturely. He wrote me about two years ago telling me these things. It meant a lot. I think I've even kept the email. He was my best-friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Whenever I post a it means I had something written and then I changed my mind and decided not to say anything at all.. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 I'm not exactly sure what that bunny is supposed to mean & I didn't know what to say at all, except that what you wrote sounded rather sweet. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Originally posted by bluechocolate I'm not exactly sure what that bunny is supposed to mean & I didn't know what to say at all, except that what you wrote sounded rather sweet. Generally speaking I don't think it means anything. I just never use it except as a placement holder when I've edited my post and deleted the text. This time it'll be different. Here a for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Israfil Posted March 5, 2005 Author Share Posted March 5, 2005 BC and Pocky - thanks again. Originally posted by bluechocolate "Yikes! What is it gonna do to the poor guy if what he really wants is to be back with you?" yes - this is my fear. I have talked to and interacted with him several times over the course of these months, and through the grapevine I have learned that he interpreted some of these interactions as positive overtures. I know that he never thought of our breakup as permanent - he just couldn't conceive it - and I think it was only about 3-4 months after our split that it finally dawned on him that it is final. For Pocky: (just 'cause ya gotta luv the bunny - no deletions!) Link to post Share on other sites
opaleye Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Personally I think that it would be a very nice and positive thing to do. If you clearly stated that you do no want to get back together EVER (nicely of course) then I can't really see the harm in it. It might throw him for a while and make him miss you but in the end he can see that the relationship wasn't for nothing and that he will feel good about himself. I know that if I were to get such a letter from my ex (highly unlikely because I can't imagine him even thinking about me now ) I would feel a lot better about the entire situation (since it was kinda messy). But I appreciate stuff like that. If you think that he will appreciate it and that you will be able to write it so that he sees it for what it is and not as some love letter suggesting reconciliation then I say go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Suz76 Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 I'd like to think it would be a nice thing, but ya just don't know how other people are going to take it, so I say don't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
SASSYGIRL Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 I think the letter could be a good thing if you're clear about not wanting to reconcile. Extremely clear!! Do you feel guilty? Is that why you are thinking about writing a letter? Link to post Share on other sites
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