liquidbread11 Posted February 21, 2005 Share Posted February 21, 2005 My wife asked me for a divorce when I returned from Iraq last year. We had been together for about 5 years and married for 1 of them (the year I was gone). She told me that she didn't love me like a wife should, and wanted to end the marriage to start over. I begged her to consider a separation while we could talk things out and get some help. She refused in no uncertain terms to seek outside help saying that "if we can't fix it ourselves, then it can't be fixed". I packed up my things and moved away to take my old job back in another state and spent the next 8 months in self destruction. I've been through all the stages of loss now after 10 months of being separated from her. I tried on more than a few occasions to contact her in an effort to strike up some form of dialogue. Mainly, I just didn't know what had happened and that was a painful thing for me. Recently, I moved back to the state and town she lives in to start my career and life there again. I told her I was there and that I was available if she ever wanted to meet. So I tried talking to her a few times and sked her to meet me out to which the reply was either no or noncommital. about a month ago I called and said I really wanted to talk to her in person, but she refused so I told her the few things I had to say over the phone and that I wouldn't trouble her anymore because she indicated that she was uncomfortable talking to me. Over the intervening months a lot has happened in my life, and I have reflected on my part in the breakup. I blame a good deal of it on external forces (12 months of Army deployment, job layoffs, tight money, and a host of other really ****ty circumstances). But I accept that I did and said things that were just plain stupid or wrong. I think I understand now many of the things she hinted at or outright told me, yet I disregarded for one reson or another. The result is that I have a strong desire to see her again. I don't think I want to try again at having a relationship. I think I just want to talk to her. I knw through mutual aquaintances that she has only one friend and pretty much keeps indoors. She does not go out or date. From what I understand her attitude towards those around her is very very poor and difficult to deal with. The bottom line is that she was never like that. I never knew her to be that way, and I am genuinely concerned for her. So, I want to talk to her to tell her that things will get better. I don't think she is coping with the breakup as well as I have bcause she refuses help or (I think) to admit she has issues to deal with. Should I try again to talk to her? I still care very much for her welfare, and I still love her very much. I have moved on in my life, but I can't stand to think that she is unable to. I think I would be a callous person to not care about someone I had pledged my life to at one time. I want to tell her that I have forgiven her for the things she said and did and that I have forgiven myself for the things I said and did as well. I want her to know that, and I want to tell her that while I look her in the eye to let her know I am telling the absolute truth. I know you can't force someone to connect, but there has to be something I can do to open a channel to her. Either that, or I am being a fool and need to be told so. Any advice on how to approach this, if at all? Would it be a bad thing to broach contact with her after I had told her I wouldn't try any more? Am I just suffering from loss-aftershocks? Thanks for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 21, 2005 Share Posted February 21, 2005 I don't think you're being a fool or wrong in any way. I agree that it would be callous to be completely uncaring about her. It's always acceptable to tell someone that you are sorry about your own actions. However, it's a bit more of a problem to tell them that you forgive them, if they have not ASKED for forgiveness. Perhaps you think that she's secretly craving your forgiveness for her leaving you, but is afraid to ask you for it. Sorry, that's a WAY BIG assumption. ...I want to talk to her to tell her that things will get better. I don't think she is coping with the breakup as well as I have bcause she refuses help or (I think) to admit she has issues to deal with... You're just going way too far out with the assumptions. Is there an undertone of wanting to show her how much better you, the dumpee, have done? I want to tell her that...I have forgiven myself for the things I said and did ...there has to be something I can do to open a channel to her... There may be nothing you can do, or should do. And telling her that you forgive yourself...she didn't ask you that, and she may see it as almost a way to start an argument. You telling her that perhaps you weren't that bad. Bottom line: The only good reason to get in touch with her is to tell her you're sorry. I would not bother with even that unless you have reason to believe it is news she urgently wants. Link to post Share on other sites
sjs61 Posted February 27, 2005 Share Posted February 27, 2005 The Bibles says one must forgive and forget. Will it make you happy? Will she put down her guard? Is she tired of the same old routines? Did she leave the marriage cause of the fact that you were in Iraq and she couldn't deal with the idea of you getting killed? Did the signs of distress of this marriage failing before you lost a job or joined the army? Need to write a journal of ALL the bad things compare them to the good things. When you weigh it out ask yourself if its worth your time. LOVE can play tricks on you. Link to post Share on other sites
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