PTSD, psych ward.....divorce....

[littlefoot]

Im new here and I have a really complicated and long question...

 

Background info (sorry it's so long!)

 

My husband and I have been married for nearly 10 years, and together for 20. We have two kids, ages 7 and 4. Our eldest has special needs, due to being born extremely prematurely at 23 weeks (not a typo). Our 4 year old was also early, but only by 7 weeks. Their early births were caused by a violent rape that happened to me, when I was only 16 (I'm now almost 37). I carry an enormous amount of grief and guilt over their early births, because I feel had I left the extremely violent relationship I was in, which lead to the rape....before it happened, my kids would not have suffered...especially our eldest. I know in my head, that it was not my fault. But my heart is a very different story.

 

After the rape, I did not seek the help I should have and suffered for the past 20 years with extreme bouts of PTSD. My current relationship with my husband, early on there was some physical abuse, pushing and grabbing. Plus a lot of very cruel mental, emotional and verbal abuse. He told me I was worthless, my parents/friends hated me, I was a terrible mom (I'm not) and the list goes on. He also lied to me several times about watching porn, which I really didn't care that he did...but I did care that he lied repeatedly about it.

 

He went to anger management, we sought some therapy and things got better.

 

Until about two years ago, when I suddenly got extremely sick...I was diagnosed with gastric ulcers, that have been bleeding to the point I have had over ten blood transfusions in the past two years. My dr cannot get them under control despite trying endless medications and scopes. My anemia is so severe I am constantly dizzy, weak, I've lost over 60lbs (I'm 5'10 and currently weigh about 115lbs...at my lowest I was 98lbs), I can barely function. Thus my husband has been a single parent for the past two years basically.

 

The stress of this has caused endless issues, from money problems, arguing, and the verbal/emotional/mental abuse began again. He basically blames me for getting sick and tells me I am a terrible mom, because I can't function as a parent as much as I should. Which kills me inside, because it's out of my control. To top it off my heart dog, died when I first got sick....she was my rock, I know that might sound crazy but she was a source of comfort I didn't have to feel guilty crying around/on, which kept my PTSD under more control...

 

However in the past year (maybe a bit less) my PTSD has exploded and two weeks ago things got extremely out of control. I typically do not drink, in fact I had not drank in over three years but on the 20th 'anniversary' of the night I was raped....I woke up to a message from the man who raped me (he has a restraining order, yet every year without fail...he contacts me on the 'anniversary' day to torment and remind me of what he did). His message (from his wife's Facebook account) caused me to have endless flashbacks, him on top of me, the sound of him and our male roommate (who also raped me, while my BF held me down to let him) rattling around trying to find pliers, to open a coat hanger...which they used to 'prevent pregnancy' and 'hide evidence'. By the evening I had, had enough and I drank 3-4 shots of vodka. I fell asleep (I take a sleeping pill, due to bouts of insomnia which come from my PTSD. Which I took earlier in the evening) on the couch, I woke about a 1.5 hours later, feeling sober. I didn't get up from the couch, because the flashbacks began again with crippling vengeance and so I stupidly drank as much as I could. I know how totally stupid that was, and there is no excuse for self medicating...ever.

 

The next thing I remember my husband was dressing me, I was so drunk....I had no idea who he was. I should explain that the night I was raped, after my boyfriend and roommate finally passed out. I took an entire bottle of Tylenol and walked downstairs to my neighbour and friends apartment to ask them to call 911, I told them I had taken the meds and it was very evident by the bruising/swelling on my battered face....I had been beaten, I did not mention being raped.

 

Also two days before I drank, I had fainted and smashed my face (eye/cheekbone) on the coffee table and then the ground due to my anemia. Leaving me with a very bad black eye.

 

My husband called 911 because I was non-responsive at times (I had nearly 3 times the legal amount of alcohol in my system, terrible I know. I'm so ashamed to say that) and when the ambulance came...things played out almost exactly like the night I was raped. I was so drunk, and had no idea what I was saying. The EMT's asked if I had been hit by my husband and apparently I said that he had 'hurt' me...but I meant in the past, and despite trying to explain this in my drunken state. The police arrested my husband. He was released of course, because when I finally sobered up in the ER I explained repeatedly what had really happened.

 

When I was released, I came home to an empty house. I texted my husband, knowing he was likely EXTREMELY angry (rightly so) and asked if he wanted me to leave. He did, and said if I didn't he would call the police on me. I told him I just wanted one more night in my own bed, because he had a place to stay and had our kids....and to be perfectly honest...li was extremely hung over. I told him I had only hurt myself the night before, with my drinking. He misunderstood this, as me saying I was trying to hurt myself. I wasn't, I have never wanted to hurt myself nor would I.

 

My husband called the cops. They came and as a result of the drinking and the fact I had ONE sleeping pill in my system, I was certified under the mental health act. Because the dr felt I would be safer under their care, because I self medicated. I spent eight days in the psych ward, being repeatedly told I had personality disorder traits by my husband and my family, because until two days before I was released....I didn't remember what happened or what lead up to my drinking. Three doctors said I had no mental health issues, but regardless my husband now doesn't trust me, thought I was going to hurt myself, said I was not allowed to come home when released, said I couldn't see our kids alone, and wants a divorce.

 

I was (am) extremely hurt by this, but I also knew I needed to get help. And how I have been functioning these past basically 20 years, is extremely unhealthy and hurtful. I admitted to my husband that I had lied or told him things a few times in the past two years...that were either old pieces of information and twice totally untrue things. I did it simply to hurt him, after bouts of him emotionally abusing me. Which in no way shape or form makes it ok. And is not an excuse. I know how wrong I was for doing so.

 

Before I was released, my husband spoke to one of my dr's and was told I was not a danger to anyone. And had no mental health issues that he could see, or any other doctor had seen. However, I was not able to speak to my dr and tell him that/what I remembered about the night I drank.....until after he talked to my husband. After I had a chance to speak to him, he said I for sure have PSTD and not personal disorder traits, and would not have told my husband I did.

 

Anyways, I left the hospital armed with therapy, a psych Doctor, and substance abuse group...because I NEVER want to end up where I was, ever again. I wanted/asked for each of those things, myself. The doctors did not suggest them.

 

I was suppose to stay at a male friends house when I was released but knowing he has feelings for me, I felt like that was a very poor choice. So I called my husband and he said I could come home. But still wants divorce, has been sleeping in our kids room....and basically refuses to go to therapy to even try to save our marriage.

 

I fully understand his feelings, except for a few....for example he keeps saying he can't trust me, fair enough. I lied. But so did he, he has broken my trust not only by lying porn and a few other smaller things....he broke my trust in feeling safe around him, mentally and emotionally. Yet I stayed and tried to work on our marriage...because I love him, and I knew with work...he could be a healthier person.

 

I also cannot understand why he keeps saying he is not allowing his emotions to play a part in his choice. Yet call me crazy, is that not an important part of this? He says he loves me. In fact my mom is dying and literally has maybe a couple of weeks left at best. He is comforting me, hugging me and holding me without me asking him too....whenever he thinks or sees I'm falling apart sad due to deep loss, I know is coming...

 

He is still treating me like he always has, except we are not being physical and don't sleep in the same bed anymore. I have been helping out and being a present parent as much as I can, which is a HUGE improvement. I've only been home about a week now and every single day I've spent the entire day with my kids, cleaned up the house, cooked for everyone, and done everything I can physically do. I am currently in need of a transfusion but I am simply pushing myself to do everything I can, but also.....I have such a weight off my shoulders that I am getting help with my PTSD finally.

 

My questions after this extremely long essay, I'm sorry! Are....

 

Am I wrong to try to push for us, to at least try to see my husband can trust me again with time and therapy?

 

Am I wrong to compare his breaking of trust, with mine? If so why/how?

 

Do you think that there is a chance this marriage can be saved?

 

Any opinions, answers, thoughts would be deeply appreciated....and I am not a snowflake....and hate sugar coating. So please don't hold back. If I'm wrong, or whatever....I want to know.

 

Thanks!

[carhill]

For readers, here's some background:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/263559-pregnant-wanting-leave

 

Looks like this has been going on awhile. Kids can be a factor. I'll need to read more to offer up any relevant opinion but wanted to put the backstory up. Sorry you're back under such circumstances.

[littlefoot]

Thanks carhill for posting that!

[Mr. Lucky]

My questions after this extremely long essay, I'm sorry! Are....

 

Am I wrong to try to push for us, to at least try to see my husband can trust me again with time and therapy?

 

Am I wrong to compare his breaking of trust, with mine? If so why/how?

 

Do you think that there is a chance this marriage can be saved?

 

Any opinions, answers, thoughts would be deeply appreciated....and I am not a snowflake....and hate sugar coating. So please don't hold back. If I'm wrong, or whatever....I want to know.

 

Thanks!

 

I think your situation is so complex and nuanced that it's beyond the feedback one could offer in this type of forum. And frankly, I'd be suspect of the content posted by anyone trying to do so.

 

I'll just say take care of yourself, there's no path forward without your good health, both physical and mental. Hope you find some clarity...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Yasuandio]

There is the suggestion in this thread that your situation is too dire for us, at least in the separation/divorce section, to guide you. My agreement with aforementioned is reflected in my attempt to try to field your specific questions. Although, my guess is, I don't think my answers are going to be what you are looking for.

 

Question: Is it "wrong" to stand by your marriage ("push for us")? There is no right or wrong to stand by a marriage and attempt to earn back trust or visa versa. A popular site, Michille Weiner Davis' "Divorce Busters," incorporates same concept - standing by marriage in a non-reactive mode (dispite infidelity, mid-life crisis, etc.). Yet I doubt Davis would suggest standing by an abuser. Point is, in order to "stand by the marriage," you must have a marriage. Herein lies the problem with this approach in your case. Besides the abuse (on both sides, it appears), you and husband do not seem to be a team, period. What do you two agree upon? Can you actually site where you have been team players during this problematic relationship? In what dimension is there anything positive between the two of you?

 

Question: Can time and therapy promote your husband's trust in you in the future? Actually, anything is possible. And your relationship (especially in light of the old post) seems like a dance. That is, "a dance of anger" (there is a book by that title that may interest you). One thing you can count on -- human behavior repeats itself. Is that a good thing in your case? I don't think so.

 

Question: Can the marriage be saved? Again, there must be a marriage to save in order to save one. There seems to be a consusus in the literature that when a marriage breaks down, "the former damaged marriage" might be dead, buried, and put in the past - so a completely new relationship can evolve (without the history and drama). In other words, to begin dating again, a fresh start, is often is often an approach that is suggested for those both wishing to reconcile. In your case - why not start fresh, and let go of the past? Why not let this man go his separate way as he desires? Why not take this time, evolve yourself from the past, heal yourself. If the bird comes back to your hand (evolved, of course), he was free to make this choice -- rather than staying with you out of guilt or pressure. What do you have to lose, really? The bird is not in your hand, that is the fact.

 

On this same subject, I think Mr. Lucky hit the nail square on the head. All you have is your health. Without health, in your current state, how can you function in this situation, (or any, really)? With two young children that have health/developmental concerns themselves.... without your health? That said, a romantic/marital relationship is actually the least of your concerns. In my humble opinion, I sincerely, regretfully, have to tell you that I believe your priorities are completely skewed.

 

Rather than the questions you posed, I would want you to get extremely motivated about the consequences of the following: severe anemia; multiple and current need for blood transfusions; PTSD (from rapes), delusional statements to medical personal (or whomever) causing your husband to get in trouble with authorities; heavy drinking/drugging (no matter if it is only once -- was it really?). Once you start getting committed to psychiatric facilities - no one will take you seriously (do you see that?). Therefore, if the spouse or STBX is willing to take the children off your hands - my position, is, that ain't a bad idea. There is a long road ahead. But you remain to be a young woman, and much greater adversities have been overcome. It is possible for you to get a grip on the reality of your circumstances.

 

Question: Another inquiry I think not a priority - but I will answer it for you. Are you wrong for comparing your "break of trust" to your husband's lies some time ago about watching porn? My take is, that you are avoiding accountibility for your own deep breech of trust via "blameshifting." The past is the past. Some lie(s) about a couple porn flicks are nothing compared to this business of what occured with the "psych ward," "husband's arrest on your misleading statements," et.al., that comprise this and your earlier thread.

 

Question: Can the marriage be saved? In response to this question -- I would say there is time to save yourself - and you better start asap, or you are going to be dead. Littlefoot, it really is that plain and simple to see, just do the math: 5 foot 10, at 98 pounds. Read your post. Read it ten times.

 

So, there are the answers for your consideration. Please know I did not mean any harm. This is my exact, good faith conclusion, what I really believe. No one here wants to see you die, Littlefoot. But divorce seems to be on the table, you will likely be on your own, -- your husband cannot be forced to NOT want the divorce. You can only force yourself to help yourself. The fact is, "yourself" is really all you can control.

 

Perhaps you might consider posting some of your "real" issues (life and death health issues; the loss of a parent, PTSD and other psychiatric issues) in the health sections of this great LS forum. There are many catagories to choose from. How can you get well, and begin a self-sustaining lifestyle? Yes, your body and soul have been hurt. But you have your mind, your brains are intact. You can pull yourself together, but only you can do this.

 

I certainly hope my thoughts were helpful to you.

 

Best of luck. Yas

Edited January 18, 2016 by Yasuandio

[testmeasure]

I also cannot understand why he keeps saying he is not allowing his emotions to play a part in his choice.

 

There can be a line that once it's crossed, it's not about how you feel anymore.

 

The following from your story stands out:

 

The EMT's asked if I had been hit by my husband and apparently I said that he had 'hurt' me...but I meant in the past, and despite trying to explain this in my drunken state. The police arrested my husband. He was released of course, because when I finally sobered up in the ER I explained repeatedly what had really happened.

 

With this history and with this documented, it poses a real problem even if you took it back.

 

Being arrested probably made him do some thinking. (Or it should have.)

 

What if next time this happens, you drink because of a fight with him, and when they ask you, you actually do tell them that he hit you? You could even say the only reason you took it back the first time was because you were afraid of him.

 

Any time you drink or he get's physically abusive, it's a huge risk for him and he may realize he can't control either of those. At that point, it's no longer about how he feels.

 

I'm not sure if that's what he's actually thinking when he says that. But, given the story that's what stands out to me as a reason for reacting that way.

 

.

[Hailiee7]

Sounds like you have been having a rough time and are trying to do what is right. However, I am thinking the best people to answer the questions you asked at the end of your post. posted at the end of your letter/blog would be those who know you personally, such as your support group or therapist.

 

Just a thought, have you thought of praying for guidance? There is a God out there who loves you and would like to bring you into his family; and doing so just might make a difference on how you see yourself and others.