sgirl728 Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Has anyone had any experience with this?? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Is he a REAL Narcissist? IF so, I'm really sorry...That's got to be really hard on you. I don't know anybody who's gone through a divorce/separation with a narcissist but I do have a guy friend who is one and I tell ya - IT IS NOT easy being a friend to him. You know what I mean. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sgirl728 Posted February 3, 2005 Author Share Posted February 3, 2005 Yes, I'm sure there are worst ones out there, but he is and it took me getting away from him to really see it. But I also have a male friend who is in my same situation. He's having a hard time too. They are so manipulative and controlling. They suck you in and con you so good. It's so hard to get away. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Yup- It's always all about THEM and only THEM. Scary s*** eh? I do hope you're doing okay. Take it one day at a time and just know he's clueless...Just a big waste of your time right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sgirl728 Posted February 3, 2005 Author Share Posted February 3, 2005 Yeah, it's been tough, but I had a very good friend help me to get away from him. But now I'm trying to help him get away from one he is married to. It's so hard to get away from them. Almost impossible. They stop at nothing to win... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 LOL yeah...Well, hang in there and your friend is lucky to have you helping them out now since you have been through it as well. My buddy is just that and I DO know I can just shut it off and walk away when he's being an a**h***. Most of the time it really doesn't bother me, but when he gets me going and I feel my energy being drained I just don't talk to him much. I'm not that crucial person in his life (THANKGOD!!) but I feel for his girlfriend...She still in the phase of he'll change his ways eventually and won't hear anything else otherwise!! She hasn't a clue what is infront of her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sgirl728 Posted February 3, 2005 Author Share Posted February 3, 2005 I was with mine for 18 years and he has been with his for 20. I knew the term and I always said his sister's were, his dad, his mom, but just couldn't see that he was too. He had me so fooled. Completely blinded. But, so is my friend. I'm completely in love with him and it's hard to see him where I used to be and I want to help him so much. I just thought someone else might have a males perspective on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 My H is a bit of one, not full blown. But, another important relationship of my life- my mother was! I have tons of experience in dealing with this issue- trust me- I was with her way over 18 years! PM me if you'd like to talk. Link to post Share on other sites
SkyJumper Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 I've been married to one for 18 years........getting my finances together and am out of here by the year's end.......never have I ever been involved in anything so unhealthy and destructive.........I could never trust her again relative to fidelity either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sgirl728 Posted February 15, 2005 Author Share Posted February 15, 2005 SJ, I'm curious to hear more of your story...my dearest friend is also married to a N. He has been with her for 20 years...I wish I knew more from a man's perspective what he was feeling... It's so hard to pull away from their charm. They are just such good liars...they just keep you sucked in... Link to post Share on other sites
SkyJumper Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 Not a problem......I should have time to do so a little later today. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sgirl728 Posted February 15, 2005 Author Share Posted February 15, 2005 I've been doing a lot of research on it myself b/c of my xH. He still tries to get back with me even though he has been living with another woman for a while now and has asked her to marry him. So, we might can help each other a good bit. My friend on the other hand is still living with his wife and just two weeks ago confronted her about her infidelities. We don't talk much about what is going on b/c really it's not my business, but I do want to help him. He is also trying to get his finances in order, but he still just wants her to leave. She has been unfaithful to him for 20 years. BUT...he still can't seem to leave her. This is part of their manipulative abilities though...we become dependent on them. Sad...isn't it??? Link to post Share on other sites
SkyJumper Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 I'll keep this short and sweet............yes, one is under the other's spell so to speak.........makes Satan's lying and deceptive abilities laughable. More often than not, these women are above average in looks and "ability" in bed. They know what to say, how to say it and when to say it. They are very high maintenance and before you even know or are convinced they're self-centered (a sick self-centered), you somehow convinced yourself that you are doing what a good husband does to keep this woman happy. So you willingly sacrifice everything you are in the name of "love"........she convinces you that you are doing right. One day, however, it dawns on you that something isn't right...............activities, conversations, etc. center around this person........she is the only one who is allowed to get sick, her feelings only matters.....not your's or anyone else's, she doesn't participate or support activites you like, she doesn't go the the funeral home when you have a family member or a close friend die (you had better be there for her friends and family), she seems to have forgotten what it means to wait on herself......you must do everything for her and when she wants you to, your opinion doesn't matter.......your feels are nothing and are immediately forgotten within seconds of relaying them, sex is only when she wants it, they can do NO wrong and everything is justifiable to include an affair, they at times take pleasure in your "demise" - well, at least they are subtle at that. You MUST serve them 24/7. You realize that when they feel threaten about their not having their way, you have trouble with a capital "T" on your hands......everyone in the house suffers. You are insignificant.......you're whole life has been insignificant. They also become extremely angry when their friends, family, and co-workers tell your other half how lucky they are to have you.......god forbid. Once all this dawns upon you, you are so friggen tired of all this compromising and servitude.....it starts to show in your lack of enthusiam.......then as usual, the blame will lie upon you........everything has been your fault anyway.......but now, it's gets to be a bit twisted and I won't go into that part. She starts to really make you suffer.......you begin to realize where your sense of self-worth went to - down in the deepest part of the crapper........you begin to realize what a true waste your life has been with this person.........you begin to realize all the junk she made you feel that was wrong with you has been nothing more that self-projection. Well, I could write the next 72 hours non-stop but I won't.............people like this are either truly evil or truly sick and more often than not, they will become not only defensive but combative when the work "counceling" "ms?" is even thought of. I'm amazed, after my wife had an affair in Scotland last October and I found out - the "world still revolves around her", she hasn't done anything wrong and she still expects me to serve her at her whim. I'm so glad I woke up........wish I had done it sooner. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sgirl728 Posted February 16, 2005 Author Share Posted February 16, 2005 OMG SJ!!!! WOW!!!! Your story is so amazing. It sounds just like my past 18 years with my xH and my friend's wife. They just suck the life out of you and you don't even know it . I wish you could read the email he sent me about his life with her and then the one she sent him a few weeks ago after he had finally (after knowing 2 years) confronted her about her multiple affairs (at least 15). It was all about her and her issues and how she would "try" not to disappoint him again and basically she just expects a slap on the hand and everything be swept under the rug. It just was a joke. I just don't know who to help him get out from under her spell. It took him to help me get away from my xH. I want to help do the same for him, but I think his self-esteem is so far gone that I don't know if I can get him out of it. Was there a turning point for you?? Have you actually left her yet?? I know it will be a nightmare when he does actually try to leave. She's already been crying, begging and pleading and pulling out all the stops... Link to post Share on other sites
SkyJumper Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 I'm sorry for what you went through with your husband. As for your friend, tell him do NOT cave in to his wife's BS..........as they are EXPERTS at it and are so, so convincing. "Sweep it under the rug"......mercy, you hit the nail on the head. Please have your friend to get help for his self-esteem.............I can't imagine his position here as although mine went down the crapper, I still had a single thread to hold onto as a decorated retired U.S. soldier, former Nationally rated karate competitor and an avid, licensed skydiver......deep inside I know there's something keeping me afloat - barely - but afloat nevertheless. Yes ma'am.....the turning point......revolved around her "vacation" to Scotland. The deed itself is betrayal, but what surrounded it was a hundred times worse. The months of lying to me when planning this with this loser who will neither see nor support his only child - a son - left his girlfriend the day she gave birth to his son. All the lies, turning things around on me, the expensive gifts given, not give a rat's a@@ about our two teenaged sons, the giving of bogus numbers to me to reach her in Scotland.........she did, however, call collect a couple of times......one of the numbers she called from was from his house......knew the number as I've seen it on my phone bill for quite a while. Well, these were the lesser things............the rest I'll keep to myself a while longer. We are in debt, because of this affair............I'll be out of it, for the most part by the end of this year. I can't trust a person who will habitually lie inspite of the facts presented to them. I feel I deserve much better.........hell, even being alone will be an improvement. Not all is lost however............I found copies of letters she had written him since she's come home........found out he's an alcoholic, extremely judgemental person, a dead-beat dad, treated my wife very badly and the sex was a diasaster.......lol........oh well. Yes, I am leaving by the end of this year..................long story.........good as done..........either New Mexico or Arizona......skydiving and motorcycle riding year around.......most of all, I can be true to myself. Your friend, if he does what's best for him, will have a psycho on his hands.......may have to get a restraining order on her.....he'll know what I mean........he's in my thoughts and prayers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sgirl728 Posted February 16, 2005 Author Share Posted February 16, 2005 I think you and I could talk for days....lol!!!! Yes, my xH went psycho and a couple of times and still tries to get me back. He can never get how all the lies and women (among other things) destroyed our R. I'm just afraid that my "friend" will cave and can't handle her destructive path that he will have to witness. He's never really caught her in that big of a lie and probably won't now that he confronted her about all the past lies and betrayal. Mine of course just lied his way out of all of it for years and I believed and trusted him as does my friend. I actually had one of gf's confess everything to me, so I had a little on mine. But, then his sister got pissed at him and told me more stuff after we divorced. I felt really stupid!! But, I realize they are just very good at what they do. I'm glad you finally saw your way out. I think he really wants out, but doesn't really know what to do next...hopefully that's where I'll come in. Yes, you are better off alone...but if you read about Nacissism it talks about how wonderful the person the N betrays is as a human being and that is how they "keep" us for so long. You should read some of it. I'll try to send you the link. This may not be the exact one I've been looking at, but it has really helped me. It's amazing how much she sounds like my x and his W. They say it's a pattern and they fall right into it. I had no life of my own for years. He didn't want me to go to school, work or even spend time with my family. He was jealous...she doesn't let him do anything at all except work out. Otherwise, she is right up under him. But they have the type of jobs where they have freedom all day, so they get away with anything, then of course all their friends lie for them too because they have them just as "snowed"... http://samvak.tripod.com/msla.html Link to post Share on other sites
SkyJumper Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 Lol, I think our spouses are a match made in heaven. Like you, I had been (still am) on the lying end of someone who has lied their way out of everything for years. I hardly knew what to think about trust anymore. Funny thing though, when they are caught in a web of lies - they almost convince you that YOU are sick and are in need of help...........although I find infidelity inexcusable I think their trying to convince you how "screwed-up" you are is more so - by a mile. I have a lady, who will be contacting me shortly of an affair my wife had at our previous residence.........she was a friend of my wife's. Last year, this guy's wife had called our house last year to inform me of this, all my wife could do was turn red and yell how sick these people were. Well, I already knew about the affair with my wife still denying it to this day. Did your husband sever freindships with his buddies who didn't agree with what he was doing? Ahhhhhhhh......the lying friends who will smile in your face and hug you.......know what that is about. There have been a couple of the lying friends who got to know me and started feeling bad for what my wife has been doing to me................my wife will terminate that friendship with a vengance. I'm so glad you're out of that mess. Yes, please be there for your friend to help me find his way out........I know it will be one of the most difficult things he'll ever have to face. Thank you so very much for the link.......I look forward to reading the material. Link to post Share on other sites
WranglerGal1979 Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 Sky, You are describing my stbx to a T....I know how ya feel. Mine was worse though! Link to post Share on other sites
kimizmat Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 I saw this thread and just wanted to join in because I am 100% certain that my H is a narcissist. I'm still going through unravelling all (or at least some) of the lies, secrets and deceptions he inflicted on me over our 12 years together. Anyone out there experience excessive sexual misconduct? (i.e., porn, cheating, etc.) He's made my life hell, we're separated because I couldn't take it anymore. I was treated like royalty by him, put on a pedestal, all the while he was cheating on me with multiple people. He used everyone he knew and then threw them away. I always thought I was the special one because he treated me so well. Now I've been thrown away, even though I initiated separation. We've been separated three months today. I miss him terribly, even though I know I could never take him back. I feel lost, lonely, undesirable and disgusted all at once. And all through this, he is treating me as though I did all this. I am the bad guy and his feelings are irreparably damaged, according to his behavior and words. I've felt as though I've been on a crazy rollercoaster ride of emotions: guilt, fear, sadness, loneliness, and betrayal. I keep asking myself, why was I so blind, how did I let this go so far? I haven't got any answers yet, but am in therapy. Hoping to receive some insightful responses, perhaps someone who's been through life with a pathological narcissist. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Kimizmat, I have not dealt with a narcissist in a bad marriage. Narcissists always seek for people whom they can worship, and who give them time, money, affection et cetera. It's all about getting as much out of a person (draining), and then moving on to the next target to be drained. Often a narcissist is able to talk himself out of trouble, when confronted with a loved one, who wonders what happened. Sometimes a narcissist even takes it out on his own family, but there is always one person (or thing / God) whom he wants to support him. Your 'crime', was that you realized the games he was playing was not healthy for you, nor for anyone for that matter. You retracted your support, and therefore you are worth nothing anymore to him, because you are not in a position anymore in which he can use you; to seek validation for his claims to greatness, for sex, for affection, for whatever you were used by him. I can understand that you miss your husband, as you are now three months divorced. It's a 'natural' feeling, and your therapist can explain more on that. Somehow you feel that his 'crimes' are your crimes, and that everything you had was not real. In a sense it was not real; he is a narcissist, and caused a lot of damage, probably in your circle of friends and family. It are not your crimes, and as you loved a narcissist, and lived for so long with him, you know how deceptive they can be. A narcissist is unable to experience guilt. He always shifts guilt to other people; it is always the fault of the other person who somehow 'wronged' him. Of course that is not true. I know his remarks may sting, but he cannot perceive the truth in personal relationships. Don't blame yourself for becoming involved with a narcissist. These are hard to spot people. It is not like he has suffers from a clear and distinct psychosis, in which case you would immediately know something was wrong. It definetely helps to go in therapy, and see what happened exactly, and what was going on. Don't beat yourself up for being involved with a narcissist. Even though you feel hurt, you will heal from all this, I promise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sgirl728 Posted March 6, 2005 Author Share Posted March 6, 2005 WOW!! All of these stories are so amazing. I just can't believe I was in it for 18 years and never even realized it was a disorder. My poor friend is still stuck. He finally confronted her about her numerous affairs and her response to him was basically that he would be abandoning her and how he needed to be there for her so she could figure out her life....so yes, he is still there. I'm just wondering if there is another way to make her leave him. He just can't seem to do it. Any advice on how to get her to leave... I finally just began to ignore mine completely and he left. It took a while to get him to leave me along completely, but he finally has...for the most part anyway... So here's my next question. What do you think they would have done if they found out you finally had enough and began an affair. How do you think they would have responded to that??? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 I read somewhere that some N's are NOT aware they are N's. IS that actually true? And how DO you actually KNOW 100% for sure somebody is a N and not someone who is just really selfish, self absorbed etc...What traits REALLY stand out. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 WWIU, narcissists are in general not aware of themselves as narcissists. The diagnostic criteria are, taken from DSM-IV: 1. a grandiose sense of self-importance 2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love 3. believes that he or she is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions) 4. requires excessive admiration 5. has a sense of entitlement, ie unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations 6. is interpersonally exploitative, ie takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends 7. lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others 8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her 9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes A person qualifies as a narcissist if 5 out of 9 criteria are met (to be observed by a specialist), but the most extreme narcissists can show all 9 criteria. Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 I read on another post of someone who was a healed narcissist. ??? But I've also read up on this and most people say that that is actually impossible. I am sure it has some thing to do with the degree of narcissism. However, any comments? Anyone ever "reformed" themselves? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 Which post? Can you copy and paste the link of that thread in here? Thanks... Link to post Share on other sites
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