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Going on a vacation while separated? Would you?


confusedwifeandmum

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confusedwifeandmum

Hi all,

 

So bit of background...my husband and I separated approx 3 weeks ago. We have been married for 5 years, together for 7. The separation to me was completely out of the blue after a minor argument, he told me he didn't know if he loved me anymore and wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me. He says there is nobody else in the picture and he is currently living with his parents. We have a 2yr old son who I'm looking after by myself atm. So the situation is, before he told me all of this, we had a prebooked overseas vacation (without my son). It's only for a week and he says he is still going to go with or without me. He says he wants to go on this holiday to see if we can have fun together but he hasn't said he wants to try and work it out with me. Whenever I ask him he says he's unsure, so I'm basically in limbo...

 

Now i'm not sure if I should go on this holiday. All of the contact I have had with him over this past 3 weeks has shown me that he has little to no interest in trying to save our marriage. He is not interested in seeing a counsellor at this stage either. If I don't go on this holiday and he goes without me then that would be the end of our relationship (on my part). For the sake of my family I am leaning towards going but I feel like it's just delaying the inevitable and he will divorce me anyway. Because he can't give me a yes/no answer if he wants to work it out, I'm so confused if I should go and 'try' see what happens and if we can re-kindle whatever is left of our relationship.

 

Please help.....would you go??

 

Thanks in advance

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I would like to think that I would go. What is there to lose? You might save the M and rekindle the love and preserve the family. At any rate you'll come back with a better idea of where this is headed.

 

Where are you in this mix??

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Idk. Based on what you've shared it sounds like a lot of games and a bunch of details missing. Do you want your marriage to work, OP? If you couldn't care less, I say, blow it off. If you however care about keeping your marriage and family together, why not go?

 

Why miss a scheduled vacation together? Just go. Try and ignite your marriage.

 

Or not.

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confusedwifeandmum

There is a lot of games being played on his part, I really feel like he's pushing me away so I end the marriage and not him. Is it really possible to not know if you want to be married to someone, even after you've been separated for weeks? Surely you'd have some kind of feeling if you do or don't??

 

I do still love him and want to try and work things out but the more he pushes me away and upsets me, the more I am shutting down emotionally.

 

If I go on this holiday, financially I will be probably worse off if we do legally separate and I will end up divorced. On the flip side a miracle might happen and he may want to reconcile. If I don't go, then it will be the end of our relationship, permanently.

 

He says he wants me to go but because he can't give me a yes/no answer that he wants to try and work things out, it leaves me confused about my decision on the trip :(

Edited by confusedwifeandmum
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I would take his unsurity as a no. I think you've called it right; he's putting it on you to end it.

 

He's given you the upper hand by leaving the marital home and giving you 100% care of your child. Is he aware of this?

 

No man who loves you would play these games. I know I wouldn't be able to stomach going. Stay home and save your money. And don't be so sure he doesn't have someone else on the side.

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No man who loves you would play these games. I know I wouldn't be able to stomach going. Stay home and save your money. And don't be so sure he doesn't have someone else on the side.

 

Agree with all of this. He may simply want a companion and sex partner for the trip.

 

If you go, be prepared to be kicked further to the curb upon your return...

 

Mr. Lucky

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confusedwifeandmum, I went through the exact same thing earlier this month. My wife asked for a divorce in late July. We still live together during the "uncoupling" stage. We decided to go on vacation in early November. She told me that there would be no sex, and it was not a reconciliation trip, but that it would "good for us." I went anyway. My mindset was, if it's over, well then at least we get to make one last set of memories.

 

Make no mistake. It was extremely difficult at times, but I still got to see part of the world I had never seen before. If you're at all attracted to your husband, and you go on this trip, and you have no connection or sex during the vacation, you might feel crushed. He might even tell you during the vacation that he feels it's definitely over (because he can't muster any love or feelings for you; after all, vacations are romantic, but if you don't have any feelings towards your spouse, this may be confirmation that things are definitely over). My wife told me during the vacation that she knew she definitely wanted a divorce because she couldn't muster any romantic feelings towards me. Ouch. But I had mentally prepared myself for that, so it didn't hurt too badly.

 

So, don't go if you have high hopes that this is a reconciliation trip in which you are dying to hear the magic words from him ("I love you so much, I never want to leave you"). You will be upset if those words don't come. You will be crushed if you hear, "I definitely don't want to be married to you and I want to move forward with a divorce as soon as we get home."

 

But, if you can accept that this is not a reconciliation trip, and you are prepared for him to tell you during the trip that things are definitely over, and you are fine with that, then go on the trip. It's the last opportunity to make some memories together.

 

Don't go with the mindset of getting him back. Go just to enjoy the moment. That's what I did. Remember, with crisis comes an opportunity to still live your life. Go, even if it's difficult, and enjoy the overseas milieu, regardless of what he's doing.

Edited by ProdigalMe
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c My wife told me during the vacation that she knew she definitely wanted a divorce because she couldn't muster any romantic feelings towards me. Ouch. ... You will be crushed if you hear, "I definitely don't want to be married to you and I want to move forward with a divorce as soon as we get home."

 

I can't imagine travelling to a romantic vacation setting only to be trapped in a room with someone who felt this way.

 

I'd rather stay at home and browse tripadvisor...

 

Mr. lucky

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confusedwifeandmum

Thanks all again. Well today he came over and told me that we should move on. So I guess I'm definitely not going and my marriage is over. No more limbo. The part that hurts the most is that he couldn't even tell me this in private. It was in front of our son. He then went to a family members place and posted a pic on Facebook like he's having a good time! I don't even know who this person is. He's definitely not the person I married :(

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mystikmind2005

Yes, the hardest part for me was this idea that the relationship is so worthless to her that she cannot even be bothered to try marriage counseling.

 

Well you know, its just a marriage, and a family with children, not all that much important really.

 

And then she is all surprised and disappointed i don't want to remain friends??

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