Matt4374 Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 Recently me and my wife seperated. She says she isn't happy and needs some space. So I left. Today she called me and ask if I would come stay with the kids so she could go to a work banquet. She going stay at a friends overnight. Am I being weak by giving in and doing this or am blowing it out of proportion? Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 How old are the kids? It's not weak to basically co-parent. If you think in terms of what she wants, what she asks for, your head will spin. Think in terms of what the kids need. She can't (or won't) be with them for a night, so you get to? That's a plus. Whether she's the one who asked for it or not. I think that if you're staying away, you need a temporary parenting plan (schedule) in writing. Always think of what the kids' needs are, not the power struggle and who-wins, who-hurt-who. You will benefit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Matt4374 Posted November 12, 2015 Author Share Posted November 12, 2015 They are 8 and 11, I just don't want her think she can call and go see someone else and do whatever why I sit hear suffering. Can I trust her? Link to post Share on other sites
avintagegirl Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 Regardless of her motives, this is a chance to spend time with your kids. If you and your wife are separated/ing, it might be nice for them to be able to spend some time with their dad during this time of upheaval. Are you blowing it out of proportion? Maybe When you have kids though, that is what comes first. It isn't about you. At the end of the day they need as much of their parent's time as they can get. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Matt4374 Posted November 12, 2015 Author Share Posted November 12, 2015 the only reason I am is for the kids I miss them and my family but I don't want be used be disrespected either by getting my hopes and dashed again. Is this part of giving her space? Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 "Weak" would be basing all of your parenting decisions on how butt-hurt you are over your wife's actions toward you. And I'm not saying you don't have cause to be hurt. Likely, you really really do. But: Strong, real-man, real-grownup behavior would be: Stepping up to whatever those kids need, and being their father, no matter whose fault it is that you're doing it on the particular schedule you're doing it. And I'm glad you asked. I'm glad you asked what would be "weak." It means you want to be strong. Being on top of some stupid power struggle with your wife, will never, ever, make you strong. The more you "win" against her, the weaker you are. You need strong kids. You need to be their father when their now-kind-of-single-mother is leaving overnight. Trust me, you'll want them to be well-adjusted when they're teens and adults. If there's ever a custody battle, you'll want to be able to show that you always put your kids' needs above your and your wife's disputes. You do also need to probably deal with hurt feelings and find support, friends, family, because yes, any break-up or fight is very stressful and sad. And I also think a fair parenting-plan is completely necessary. Necessary. Get one, propose it, email it to her. A fair one that you know you can follow. Accommodate changes (once the plan is in place) if you reasonably can-- not for wife, but for the kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 They are 8 and 11, I just don't want her think she can call and go see someone else and do whatever why I sit hear suffering. Can I trust her? Wow! Spending an evening with your children is "suffering" to you? Yikes! Please rethink your priorities as a parent! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Matt4374 Posted November 12, 2015 Author Share Posted November 12, 2015 The thing is they aren't my real kids but have raised them since they were babies I just don't want get taking advantage of. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 Okay. That's messier for you. Are you legally their parent? Had you adopted them? Have you spoken with your attorney about your parental rights? Do you want a relationship with them post-divorce? I get that you don't want to be at her beck and call. But there are two children in this mix whose lives are being turned upside down by the divorce. They have even less control of what happens than you do. Plan a really fun night with them and forget about your soon-to-be-ex might be doing at her work function. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Matt4374 Posted November 12, 2015 Author Share Posted November 12, 2015 Of course I won't be suffering spending time with h my kids, they are my world I want to save my marriage but is this going be a step forwards or backwards? Link to post Share on other sites
avintagegirl Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 Of course I won't be suffering spending time with h my kids, they are my world I want to save my marriage but is this going be a step forwards or backwards? Here is how I see it: You say ok and you get to spend time with your kids and they get to have time with the only dad they have known. that is a win and a total step in the right direction you say no: you have two kids who now you are not spending time with after separating from their mom and who might starting wondering if you will stick around because they aren't your kids. this will never be a win. As far as you she go, preserving the family unit is always a step forward. If she feels otherwise, it is on her, not you. you did what you could to maintain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
avintagegirl Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 "Weak" would be basing all of your parenting decisions on how butt-hurt you are over your wife's actions toward you. And I'm not saying you don't have cause to be hurt. Likely, you really really do. But: Strong, real-man, real-grownup behavior would be: Stepping up to whatever those kids need, and being their father, no matter whose fault it is that you're doing it on the particular schedule you're doing it. And I'm glad you asked. I'm glad you asked what would be "weak." It means you want to be strong. Being on top of some stupid power struggle with your wife, will never, ever, make you strong. The more you "win" against her, the weaker you are. You need strong kids. You need to be their father when their now-kind-of-single-mother is leaving overnight. Trust me, you'll want them to be well-adjusted when they're teens and adults. If there's ever a custody battle, you'll want to be able to show that you always put your kids' needs above your and your wife's disputes. You do also need to probably deal with hurt feelings and find support, friends, family, because yes, any break-up or fight is very stressful and sad. And I also think a fair parenting-plan is completely necessary. Necessary. Get one, propose it, email it to her. A fair one that you know you can follow. Accommodate changes (once the plan is in place) if you reasonably can-- not for wife, but for the kids. This is a great post. I especially love the bolded portions. Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 What you do vis a vis the kids is not a step in any direction with your marriage. You can't use the children to "get" the mother. Not in the sense of getting her back, and not in the sense of getting back at her. Your relationship with them is separate from what's going on with you and her. Please, don't use them in any way in whatever you're trying to accomplish in your marriage. It'll backfire, and it would not be fair. And it would be all too common. People do it all the time-- try to use the kids in relationships, divorces, all of that. Not everything you decide is a power struggle with her or a move. She likely asked you to watch them because you're the best choice-- you're basically their father, wouldn't any woman ask you before asking some babysitter to be there overnight? If there is a parenting plan, then you'd be with the children based on that schedule-- not based on what your wife asks for. People who are separated work out temporary parenting plans all the time. They just write them down and agree to them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 I left. Today she called me and ask if I would come stay with the kids Have you spoken to a lawyer? If not, it's definitely a good idea to do so. Generally, leaving the family home is a bad thing to do. If I were you I'd say sure I'll look after the kids, and just so you know I'll be moving back in on that night too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 Matt, your kids have nothing to do with you and your wife separation. If she wants to go out with other men shes gonna do it one way or another, if you don't watch the kids she will find someone else do to it, eventually if could be another man watching your kids if you don't step up. Like someone else posted, that's what co parenting is. It feels weird and it might hurt at first, but its something you will need to adjust. And whenever you do this, don't ask where were you, what were you dong, who were you with, you smell like cologne etc. At this point on make it all about the kids 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 I don't know, I always think people are getting played when they separate and "need space" instead of simply divorcing. It seems like a game to me. As long as you are "separated" you will feel like this - which is, in perpetual limbo. You're waiting for her to make up her mind. Why don't you make up her mind for her? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NYWoman Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 To be honest, yes, I would suspect that your wife if playing you. I would also suspect that while you were baby sitting, she was out seeing someone else. Why did you move out. It was her idea, let her move 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 So, she wants you to baby sit while she goes to a work party and then is going to spend the night at a "friends" place. Uh huh...dude she's cheating on you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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