First, Last, and Only Marriage

[heartbrokenkc]

where to start?...

 

I been with my wife for 15 years since high school we were each others first real relationship and only been intimate with each other only. we been married for 8 of those years and have a 6 year old daughter. we have never had any kind of break in our relationship or anything like that so we have stuck it out together the whole time till recently. just like any relationship we all have our ups and downs and bickering fights but maybe i just didn't see the signs. Here's the backstory since being married she may had tolerate our marriage only because we worked opposite schedules. It also worked for the care of our daughter. We had just purchased a new home in FEB and i'm thinking everything is fine. She has always worked graveyards for the past 10+ years until recently moving to days this MAY with a promotion and i have always worked a 9-5 job mon-fri until FEB i started working from home permanently. So i'm thinking life is getting better we get to spend more time together as a family and BAM! June comes around she tells me she wants to be left alone and leaves our home and goes stays at her brother for a few days. All i can think is at this time what did i do why is she doing this. my emotions are everywhere like F her she walked out on me but then i love her so much i dont want our marriage to end. she then calls me back and wants to works things out. So she comes back home and tells me all the problems she has with me. She talks about my weight and i'm like i was way bigger when we have gotten married. she talks about my lack of ambition with a career but working from home works well with our daughter until she gets older or if i can find a higher paying job that justifies me to leave my current job. She says i'm a mediocre father because of my lack of involvement for not being her coach in sports but i spend a lot of time with our daughter because she has long work days. She also said we don't have a connection anymore and all i can think is all you do is care about work and the only thing is work, work, work with you and you have nothing else to talk about. i tried to find a way to fix these problems because i love her and want to keep our marriage intact. Then a few days goes by i'm just giving her space and tried to limit our interactions until she's ready to talk again. So i'm playing on the computer one evening and i found that she has created an online dating account. i confronted her about it and said i thought we are trying to make this work and she tells me. "i'm not doing anything and i respect you that i will never act on it as long as we are together but i will not close my account and just leaving my options open." because i'm an idiot i love her way more than she loves me obviously that i overlooked it as long as she didn't meet with anyone. She did it as an impulse according to her and played around on it for a few days then she decided to deactivate her account. We seemed to be a family again and business as usual like nothing happen then we purchased new furniture and a 30k car because she wanted it and i thought that would make her happy. she mentioned about having a 2nd child because a close friend that we visited in the hospital just had a child. Then she started acting distant again in the next few months and i happen to check her online dating account and i saw she had reactivated it. when i confronted her she accused me of stalking her and saying that isn't the issue and its me that is ruining our marriage. i told her this is a problem while we are still married and living under the same roof. We slept in different beds for a few weeks until i drove her nuts about it. i asked her if she wants our marriage to work or divorce. she says i still care about you but i'm not in love with you anymore she ends up moving out and getting a place of her own in Sept. So she serves me divorce papers a few days after moving out. I'm shocked but not surprise but i'm thinking she's doing everything on impulse and having a midlife crisis. since serving the papers she has done nothing to speed up the process and 2 months has gone by and there hasn't been anything new with the divorce. she still has other belongings in my home she has made 1 trip to get some items and at this time i ask her "you sure you want this?" her response is now "your a terrible husband and all you do is grope my friends" I have asked all our friends that she named i did this too. i asked them all separately if i did this unless they are all lying to me they looked at me like i'm crazy for even thinking that this is true. since she has left i try to avoid all contact with her w/the exception when she showed up to my house to get her belongings. i asked her will you make the effort the following weekend to take the rest of your stuff and she keeps putting it off with excuses. We have sorted out a schedule with our daughter to do a 50/50 time but during my time with my daughter she tends to txt me or call me about things that are pointless and she should understand that when its my time she should just leave us alone and when its her time with her i leave her alone. she's still contacting me 1 day a week when its her time and responsibility that i take our daughter to school because she can't because of her work schedule. Is she confused about really wanting a divorce or is she just taking advantage of how much i care about her and using me when she needs me? FYI she says i can keep the house and our savings and doesn't want any of it and for whatever reason she wants to keep all our wedding photos and video. i don't understand why she wants to keep it since she's leaving me? hopefully everything makes sense and i dont sound like i'm rambling. right now i'm heartbroken and learning to accept the worse case scenario but it sucks we have a child together and i will still have to deal with her time to time.

[CarrieT]

PLEASE. A wall of text with little punctuation is hard to read. I fixed it for you:

 

where to start?...

 

I been with my wife for 15 years since high school we were each others first real relationship and only been intimate with each other only. We been married for 8 of those years and have a 6 year old daughter. We have never had any kind of break in our relationship or anything like that so we have stuck it out together the whole time till recently. Just like any relationship we all have our ups and downs and bickering fights but maybe i just didn't see the signs.

 

Here's the backstory: Since being married, she may had tolerate our marriage only because we worked opposite schedules. It also worked for the care of our daughter. We had just purchased a new home in FEB and I'm thinking everything is fine. She has always worked graveyards for the past 10+ years until recently moving to days this MAY with a promotion and i have always worked a 9-5 job mon-fri until FEB i started working from home permanently.

 

So i'm thinking life is getting better we get to spend more time together as a family and BAM! June comes around she tells me she wants to be left alone and leaves our home and goes stays at her brother for a few days. All I can think is at this time what did i do why is she doing this. My emotions are everywhere like F her she walked out on me but then I love her so much I dont want our marriage to end. She then calls me back and wants to works things out. So she comes back home and tells me all the problems she has with me. She talks about my weight and i'm like i was way bigger when we have gotten married. She talks about my lack of ambition with a career but working from home works well with our daughter until she gets older or if I can find a higher paying job that justifies me to leave my current job. She says i'm a mediocre father because of my lack of involvement for not being her coach in sports but I spend a lot of time with our daughter because she has long work days. She also said we don't have a connection anymore and all i can think is all you do is care about work and the only thing is work, work, work with you and you have nothing else to talk about.

 

I tried to find a way to fix these problems because I love her and want to keep our marriage intact. Then a few days goes by I'm just giving her space and tried to limit our interactions until she's ready to talk again. So I'm playing on the computer one evening and i found that she has created an online dating account.

 

I confronted her about it and said i thought we are trying to make this work and she tells me. "I'm not doing anything and I respect you that I will never act on it as long as we are together but I will not close my account and just leaving my options open." Because I'm an idiot I love her way more than she loves me obviously that i overlooked it as long as she didn't meet with anyone. She did it as an impulse according to her and played around on it for a few days then she decided to deactivate her account.

 

We seemed to be a family again and business as usual like nothing happen then we purchased new furniture and a 30k car because she wanted it and i thought that would make her happy. She mentioned about having a 2nd child because a close friend that we visited in the hospital just had a child. Then she started acting distant again in the next few months and I happen to check her online dating account and I saw she had reactivated it. When I confronted her she accused me of stalking her and saying that isn't the issue and its me that is ruining our marriage.

 

I told her this is a problem while we are still married and living under the same roof. We slept in different beds for a few weeks until I drove her nuts about it. I asked her if she wants our marriage to work or divorce. she says I still care about you but I'm not in love with you anymore she ends up moving out and getting a place of her own in Sept.

 

She serves me divorce papers a few days after moving out. I'm shocked but not surprise but I'm thinking she's doing everything on impulse and having a midlife crisis. Since serving the papers, she has done nothing to speed up the process and 2 months has gone by and there hasn't been anything new with the divorce. She still has other belongings in my home she has made 1 trip to get some items and at this time I ask her "you sure you want this?"

 

Her response is now "your a terrible husband and all you do is grope my friends." I have asked all our friends that she named i did this too. I asked them all separately if I did this unless they are all lying to me they looked at me like I'm crazy for even thinking that this is true. Since she has left I try to avoid all contact with her w/the exception when she showed up to my house to get her belongings. I asked her will you make the effort the following weekend to take the rest of your stuff and she keeps putting it off with excuses. We have sorted out a schedule with our daughter to do a 50/50 time but during my time with my daughter she tends to txt me or call me about things that are pointless. She should understand that when its my time she should just leave us alone and when its her time with her I leave her alone.

 

She's still contacting me 1 day a week when it's her time and responsibility that I take our daughter to school because she can't because of her work schedule. Is she confused about really wanting a divorce or is she just taking advantage of how much I care about her and using me when she needs me?

 

FYI she says i can keep the house and our savings and doesn't want any of it and for whatever reason she wants to keep all our wedding photos and video. I don't understand why she wants to keep it since she's leaving me? Hopefully everything makes sense and i dont sound like I'm rambling. right now I'm heartbroken and learning to accept the worse case scenario but it sucks we have a child together and I will still have to deal with her time to time.

 

 

That said, she checked out ages ago. Let her go. She *is* taking advantage of you and when you found her first online profile, you should have called her on it at that time.

 

Good luck.

[heartbrokenkc]

I'm prepared To let her go but I'm just so pissed at how the past 9months went from all the baby talk and purchasing a new home. All I can think is she wants some space to be left alone and I'm just holding on to false hope because I care way to much.

[DivorcedDad123]

First,get a lawyer. Also, what does the papers you were served say? What is the reason for divorce? What's she asking for? House? Alimony? Custody? Vehicles?

After you speak to a lawyer, take all of her crap and put it to the street. Tell her she can come by at a specific time to get it. If not, the trash man will.

Yes, you have false hope. She's pushed to see what all she could get you to do,and you bit. I'd say she already has someone on the side.

You said you worked out 50/50 for the kid,but that's not a court order,so either of you can change that at the drop of a hat. She stops getting her way,she'll use the kid to punish you by taking away your custody time. You need something legal as far as custody goes,asap.

She's holding the cards right now,but you can change that.

[DivorcedDad123]

Since serving the papers, she has done nothing to speed up the process and 2 months has gone by and there hasn't been anything new with the divorce.

 

Alot of jurisdictions have a 30 day default period after being served. In other words,you have 30 days to respond to the petition. You're way past the 30 day mark. Did you answer her petition in any way? You HAVE to do some kind of defense,because if not, she'll roll right over you in court. You may want to check that the divorce hasn't been concluded by default and that's why she hasn't done anything else.

[boltam]

2 mistakes I see you making right now.

 

One is that she calls or texts you when you're with your daughter- it obviously bothers you, so don't pickup the phone or reply to her texts. She wants space, give it to her, stop speaking to her about anything other than business or your daughter. Stop being such a doormat. That causes her to lose any respect she might have for you and with no respect there is no attraction.

 

Two is that when she told you all the problems she has with you, your response was "no I don't" and you give all the reasons why she's wrong. It sounds like it's too late but in the future you need to know how to take criticism without getting defensive.

[kgcolonel]

I pretty much agree with boltam except I would communicate only in writing via text and email. This leaves a trail if needed in the future and limits any "color" to those discussions. Be careful on your side what you put in writing as well.

[Mr. Lucky]

PLEASE. A wall of text with little punctuation is hard to read. I fixed it for you

 

Nice .

 

she's still contacting me 1 day a week when its her time and responsibility that i take our daughter to school because she can't because of her work schedule.

 

Assuming it works schedule wise for you, no reason not to do things like this. It's to your daughter's benefit and more time for you with her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[heartbrokenkc]

The minute she had left to get a place of her own and filed papers. I have responded and lawyered up right away. She at first demanded that I was to work around her schedule with the 50/50 split I found it ridiculous that she think I would. I have way more flexibility than her I could take care of our child if I was to get full custody.

 

So far at this point assuming without our lawyers present she is giving me everything I want divorce wise and custody arrangements. I told her several times to get all her stuff and limit any contact with me but somehow she manages to find some way to make it seem valid to text or talk with me. I try to avoid her as much as possible so I can just move on. But with all these random contacts makes me feel there is hope and it sucks because I care so much.

 

Regarding her criticism towards me about my faults I took it well and tried to find ways to improve it not for her but for myself if worse case scenario she follows through with divorce. My issue is she accepts no fault at all in our marriage being where it is now and I should know this the answer is "she probably just doesnt care anymore" and I hate how after a 15 year relationship and the lifelong purchases we made in past 9 months she switches just like that. People that I have told this same story says sounds like a midlife crisis...

[Mr. Lucky]

My issue is she accepts no fault at all in our marriage being where it is now and I should know this the answer is "she probably just doesnt care anymore" and I hate how after a 15 year relationship and the lifelong purchases we made in past 9 months she switches just like that. People that I have told this same story says sounds like a midlife crisis...

 

I had an easier time with my separation and divorce when I stopped worrying about "why" and focused on "what".

 

Whether she's leaving you for another man or to go on the first mission to Mars, fact is she's gone. Reasons don't matter when the reality is that you're facing near-term life alone and as a co-parent. Your focus should be on your child and the transition, staying busy with those details will keep your mind off other things. Live life one day at a time and find joy in the little things with your daughter.

 

This too will pass ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[heartbrokenkc]

I had an easier time with my separation and divorce when I stopped worrying about "why" and focused on "what".

 

Whether she's leaving you for another man or to go on the first mission to Mars, fact is she's gone. Reasons don't matter when the reality is that you're facing near-term life alone and as a co-parent. Your focus should be on your child and the transition, staying busy with those details will keep your mind off other things. Live life one day at a time and find joy in the little things with your daughter.

 

This too will pass ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I completely agree with you which i have been doing when my daughter is with me. I just have thoughts running through my head when she texts me when it's my time with my daughter. Or when my daughter comes from her moms to be with me she loses the regular routine with me because of the separation. I spend so much time with her she misses out now from her friends that she saw every weekend and her regular trips to the gym with me.

[heartbrokenkc]

I gave her the end of this weekend to take all remaining stuff out of my house and completely agree to her schedule where we are 50:50. If she doesn't come get it and I toss it will that play any effect with lawyers and the judge at all? Other than her being pissed and finding a way to screw me over?

 

The time she drops our daughter off with me when she can't take her is pretty much right before her bedtime. I would love to say no and screw her and hope she just goes to work late but I don't want my kid going to some dang stranger. It sucks that I'm being her doormat because I have a lot of flexibility and I give in.

[mystikmind2005]

Very similar story here, except my ex refused 50/50 custody, your lucky, all i get is 1 Saturday, no overnight stay at all.

 

My ex also wanted to keep all the pictures, but i don't think i like the idea, i don't want some 'stranger' keeping pictures of me, its creepy. Anyway, i have already thrown the wedding video in the rubbish bin, because the rubbish bin is where rubbish belongs.

[Mr. Lucky]

The time she drops our daughter off with me when she can't take her is pretty much right before her bedtime. I would love to say no and screw her and hope she just goes to work late but I don't want my kid going to some dang stranger. It sucks that I'm being her doormat because I have a lot of flexibility and I give in.

 

If you were babysitting her dog I'd agree with you.

 

Providing quality care for your daughter while the transition through divorce occurs isn't the same thing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[heartbrokenkc]

If you were babysitting her dog I'd agree with you.

 

Providing quality care for your daughter while the transition through divorce occurs isn't the same thing...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

She insists on doing 50:50 but with her work schedule is not realistic. She has had time to fix her schedule to properly care for our child but she isn't doing it and the process with custody is costly and takes time.

 

My friends say I should just say f her and force her to do something about her work schedule and if she puts our daughter with a stranger that's her choice and I shouldn't feel guilty about it.

 

Even though I will because I love my daughter but I can't allow being available to her 24/7 and being her doormat. I take all responsibility and care when my daughter is with me and I expect she should do the same thing.

 

She wanted this divorce so should had been more prepared...

[mystikmind2005]

She wanted this divorce so should had been more prepared...

 

Hehehehe, nope, Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter to destroy the family, doesn't matter to destroy your children's world, doesn't matter to betray wedding vows, betray love, betray friendship, doesn't matter to destroy everything you have built together. Because the priority is to not be with you all of a sudden, everything else comes second place, all this i know, because it happened to me as well.

[heartbrokenkc]

Hehehehe, nope, Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter to destroy the family, doesn't matter to destroy your children's world, doesn't matter to betray wedding vows, betray love, betray friendship, doesn't matter to destroy everything you have built together. Because the priority is to not be with you all of a sudden, everything else comes second place, all this i know, because it happened to me as well.

 

When thinking about this when it initially happened all I can think is she wanted this for a long time and was just going through the motions until the stars lined up for her.

 

I know there will be no answer so why not do it when you started thinking about it right away instead of so called trying but you behaved the same way for years and made no effort to change on your side...

[Mr. Lucky]

Even though I will because I love my daughter but I can't allow being available to her 24/7 and being her doormat. I take all responsibility and care when my daughter is with me and I expect she should do the same thing.

 

She wanted this divorce so should had been more prepared...

 

Didn't say you should be available 24/7. But were it me AND I was available, I'd help out simply because it's my daughter. It's tricky not allowing your feelings about your wife to overlap on to your relationship with your daughter...

 

Mr. Lucky

[hurts_so_bad]

She is telling you things and doing things as if you are not good enough for her..Perhaps you were to easy going.. You need to stop being easy and trying to please someone who isnt pleasing you...You need to start treating her as if she isnt good enough for you in return...

 

Since she is gone, Go to a lawyer and work out a legal seperation agreement asap.. This is basically a divorce agreement..Its a lot easier then getting involved with a huge battle that lawyers seem to instigate to get more cash from you....If she is amicable with child visitation and still willing to give you everything do it ASAP! Before she changes her mind!

 

 

Once this is done act as if she is DEAD! No answered phone calls, no answered texts unless of course there is a emergency with your daughter...

 

I dont give a crap if she is in midlife crisis or not! Its not your job to fix her..Its your job to do whats best for you and not settle for someone who is treating you like this...

 

Treat her how she as earned being treated! Dump her asap and move on! I know its not easy and it sucks to be alone, Ive been threw it! But ask yourself, Is it better being on my own with the possibilities of finding someone great or to linger with a on and off relationship with a women who has absolutely no respect for me?

 

To get the answers you need all you have to do is ask yourself the right questions....

Edited October 29, 2015 by hurts_so_bad

[heartbrokenkc]

Didn't say you should be available 24/7. But were it me AND I was available, I'd help out simply because it's my daughter. It's tricky not allowing your feelings about your wife to overlap on to your relationship with your daughter...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Me lucky didn't want to come off jerkish I will always be available for my daughter and she knows I will drop everything to take care of her.

 

Hurt_so_bad

 

Funny thing I text her yesterday pretty much telling her she is dead to me unless it involves our daughter but for some reason she still called me today and I have no idea why...I didn't answer bc our daughter is in school and she could easily have text me. It annoys me when she calls or text me for no reason.

[mystikmind2005]

She is telling you things and doing things as if you are not good enough for her..Perhaps you were to easy going.. You need to stop being easy and trying to please someone who isnt pleasing you...You need to start treating her as if she isnt good enough for you in return...

 

Since she is gone, Go to a lawyer and work out a legal seperation agreement asap.. This is basically a divorce agreement..Its a lot easier then getting involved with a huge battle that lawyers seem to instigate to get more cash from you....If she is amicable with child visitation and still willing to give you everything do it ASAP! Before she changes her mind!

 

 

Once this is done act as if she is DEAD! No answered phone calls, no answered texts unless of course there is a emergency with your daughter...

 

I dont give a crap if she is in midlife crisis or not! Its not your job to fix her..Its your job to do whats best for you and not settle for someone who is treating you like this...

 

Treat her how she as earned being treated! Dump her asap and move on! I know its not easy and it sucks to be alone, Ive been threw it! But ask yourself, Is it better being on my own with the possibilities of finding someone great or to linger with a on and off relationship with a women who has absolutely no respect for me?

 

To get the answers you need all you have to do is ask yourself the right questions....

 

Here and there i do feel bad for cutting my ex off, it is like the noble thing is to try to remain friends. But yes, my ex has zero respect for me, so its just not viable under those circumstances.

 

I can forgive the past, but how can i get past a continuing attitude of contempt and disrespect?

[hurts_so_bad]

Me lucky didn't want to come off jerkish I will always be available for my daughter and she knows I will drop everything to take care of her.

 

Hurt_so_bad

 

Funny thing I text her yesterday pretty much telling her she is dead to me unless it involves our daughter but for some reason she still called me today and I have no idea why...I didn't answer bc our daughter is in school and she could easily have text me. It annoys me when she calls or text me for no reason.

 

She will do that just to see if she can get a rise out of you.. Because to her if she can means you still care...Dont give her the satisfaction of knowing she can..She will thrive on it and if there is any chance to reconcile (If you still want to) it will be lost..She needs to see how life will be with her decision and thats without you! If you go the other route she has her cake to do as she pleases still knowing your waiting in the wings..Thats a bad way to go!

 

Make her know she is dumped and your to good for her in you eyes...

 

No communication what so ever! Dont contact her and dont answer her calls or texts...Make her wonder and maybe miss you.. Remember two things,

 

1.The strongest negotiating position is to be able to walk away and mean it!

2. Its a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whos feelings are unclear

[mystikmind2005]

She will do that just to see if she can get a rise out of you.. Because to her if she can means you still care...Dont give her the satisfaction of knowing she can..She will thrive on it and if there is any chance to reconcile (If you still want to) it will be lost..She needs to see how life will be with her decision and thats without you! If you go the other route she has her cake to do as she pleases still knowing your waiting in the wings..Thats a bad way to go!

 

Make her know she is dumped and your to good for her in you eyes...

 

No communication what so ever! Dont contact her and dont answer her calls or texts...Make her wonder and maybe miss you.. Remember two things,

 

1.The strongest negotiating position is to be able to walk away and mean it!

2. Its a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whos feelings are unclear

 

On the other hand, why invest any energy at all to win back a person who has proven themselves willing to cast aside wedding vows and a husband as a means to solve marital problems without bothering to try all the other things first? You know now she thinks that way, no man wants to be married to such a woman.... The foolish man builds his house upon the sand.

[heartbrokenkc]

On the other hand, why invest any energy at all to win back a person who has proven themselves willing to cast aside wedding vows and a husband as a means to solve marital problems without bothering to try all the other things first? You know now she thinks that way, no man wants to be married to such a woman.... The foolish man builds his house upon the sand.

 

My mind says f her because I think she can do this to me again in a year or 5 years. But my heart and my value in marriage says it can work but it has to take convincing on her side and I mean like hands and knees begging.

 

But then again her background her immediate family comes from a total 6 divorces and it's so easy for her to accept that and I always thought she wants to make it work. My family and friends and her family thought this to be a shock! But I know she's unhappy with herself or whatever and I'm doing my own thing and keeping myself open to who wants to be part of my life.

 

She says in 2 weeks she'll manage care for our child and we never have to be around each other for a while because drop off & pickup time will be school as I requested.

 

Randomly for those that went through the same thing does a rebound or one night stand right away make you feel any better?...haha

[mystikmind2005]

My mind says f her because I think she can do this to me again in a year or 5 years. But my heart and my value in marriage says it can work but it has to take convincing on her side and I mean like hands and knees begging.

 

But then again her background her immediate family comes from a total 6 divorces and it's so easy for her to accept that and I always thought she wants to make it work. My family and friends and her family thought this to be a shock! But I know she's unhappy with herself or whatever and I'm doing my own thing and keeping myself open to who wants to be part of my life.

 

She says in 2 weeks she'll manage care for our child and we never have to be around each other for a while because drop off & pickup time will be school as I requested.

 

Randomly for those that went through the same thing does a rebound or one night stand right away make you feel any better?...haha

 

Understandable perspective.

 

One night stand? Well i did pursue doing that after my ex ended things, but when i did actually have the opportunity come up, i chickened out because i had a strong feeling come over me that it was not good for me at that moment... cannot say if that's right or wrong or why, it was how i felt.

 

I did however start dating only 3 months after the separation! because i felt a strong need to 'lock in' my acceptance of the marriage being over.