I'm trapped and I can't get out.

[ML]

Hi everyone, I’m hoping someone can help me.

 

I’m a 30 year old male, been with one woman for 15 years, and have five children. I’ve been with my wife for a long time so we’ve had our share of ups and downs. About 3 years ago she had an affair with my brother-in-law. I stayed partly because of the children, and partly because she has led me to believe that she was grievously sorry, worst mistake of her life, and all that. And there is a part of me that has some understanding since I am the only man she had ever experienced since we were fifteen years old. Although I have never cheated, the thought had crossed my own mind a time or two because of that very thing. Even more so by the fact that she was, shall we say, anti-sexual…or very inhibited (she was a religious Christian fanatic). (yet went and cheated…which still bothers me).

 

Even after a couple of years I still couldn’t let it go. So about 7 or 8 months ago, I moved out of the house (which was her idea). She don’t (and won’t) work, so I still had to continue paying for the entire household, which left me with nowhere to go but my fathers house to stay. (Which sucked really bad because I was like, 30, and living with my dad).

 

During that time that I lived there, she underwent some rather drastic changes to the kind of person she was. When I would come over to see the children, she would “seduce” me (yeah so…I’m weak) and she would do things I never dreamed this woman would do. She even reconverted her religious beliefs, and began telling me she wanted me to come home. I was reluctant to do so at first, because…first she cheated, and I felt like I didn’t really know her. Then she makes the kind of changes I mentioned, and I felt like I knew her even less. Even after all these years.

 

Still, when I would come over to see the kids, she would start using them to mess with my emotions about coming home again. (The kids would say, “Why don’t you come home?” and she would blurt out to them in front of me, “Daddy don’t want to come live with US”) Then at one point, it seemed rather ironic, but she wrote me a letter that expressed her feeling in a very convincing way that she wanted me back. Strangely enough my brother had just got out of prison, and was being told by my grandparents that he couldn’t stay there. Which left only one place for him to go…my dads. Of course we both couldn’t live there (not enough room), and despite the feelings of “not knowing who she really was”, I felt she was really trying…so…I went back to live with her and the children.

 

Things were going great for a couple of months, but then she slowly began going back to exactly the way she was before. Showing little if any affection, she stopped acting like she was happy to see me coming through the door, intimacy dropped again, and she would make rude comments when there was some scanty dressed woman on television. She’d say things like “You want her don’t you?” and other thing like it. I questioned her about these things and she just said, “I’ve not been feeling real well lately” (She has bad allergies).

 

After a month of not being intimate, and her refusing my advances, I admit, I started getting rather frustrated if you know what I mean. She sensed this, and blurted out “You only came back for the sex”. I told her that’s not why, and told her the reasons I mentioned above. She didn’t accept this, and began saying that her “little plan” worked. After a little arguing, she said that she has purposely not been having sex with me to see how I would react (her little plan). And that my actions have told her that I’m only back with her for the sex. In response I told her that if it was sex I wanted, that I could go get that from someone else…I there because I love her.

 

Anyway, it went on, and the argument escalated till I can’t even remember most of what was said, until she started accusing me of being with someone else while I was living at my dads. I sure it wasn’t the best choice of words, but I said, “No, you’re the only one that has cheated.” …At that time she really got a fire under her a$$…”Stop throwing it in my face”…”I knew you were still dwelling on that. Why don’t you just get – over – it”.

 

Now, I realize my choice of words were not good, and that it was kind of throwing it in her face, but those last words really set me to rage. Telling me, “Why don’t you just get over it” infuriates me so much I can’t even describe WHY it infuriates me, the same way her “little plan” does.

 

So, no she is telling me “Don’t worry…you’ll get your way. I’ll move to my moms, and you can go to school and date and have you happy little life without “US”.

Although, I’m not sure that she will be able to move to her mother’s, she tells me she don’t want me coming up there (her mom lives out of state). At the same time, I still have to live with her until that happens, because I cannot afford 2 households, and she can’t get a job (no one to watch the children, she won’t leave them at day care, and she trying to home school them)

 

I’m really stuck! I don’t know what to do or how to get out. My will and energy to keep trying to make this work is exhausted. I’m screwed any which way I go. I don’t think she is genuinely sorry for what she did sometimes, and I can’t seem to let it go. Yeah, I need to leave, but I can’t do that…I don’t have enough money to get my own place AND support another entire household.

 

I’m rambling now, and I can’t even think of a question to ask.

If ANYONE has any information that you feel would be helpful, I’m all ears!

 

Thank you for your time.

[Barby]

Let her a$s go on public assistance, pay your child support and make your own way.

 

She sounds cold, I mean I can understand her being upset that you threw her Affair in her face but she was wrong in with holding sex from you, it's like she did what she did to manipulate you to come home, once you were there she figured she could go back to acting b*tchy with no consequences...

[LucreziaBorgia]

Have you talked to a lawyer about your options? You may want to look into that.

[TempSane]

Just bite the bullet and get it over with.

Sounds like she's a calculating manipulative B!tch.

[Devildog]

Contact a lawyer. She isn't working, your chances of getting custody as the only breadwinner in the family is really good. Especially if she thinks she can just head out of state to live with her mother. I think most states have laws that make it very difficult for a spouse to move out of state with the children.

 

I sure it wasn’t the best choice of words, but I said, “No, you’re the only one that has cheated.” …At that time she really got a fire under her a$$…”Stop throwing it in my face”…”I knew you were still dwelling on that. Why don’t you just get – over – it”.

 

My opinion is that it was absolutely the best choice of words. It showed you how truly "sorry and remorseful" she was for being a cheating whore with a family member. If she had been truly sorry, she would have been doing everything to rebuild your trust in her, and that includes you getting upset about it after the fact. Most marriages that try to rebuild trust after an infidelity require years and decades if they ever really get past that. Her saying she is sorry once or twice doesn't make it go away.

 

My STBXW was like that when I would say anything about her dates with her OM. "I already apologized for that, get over it." Hell no you don't have to just get over it.

 

Run, don't walk, to a good divorce attorney. Try to find one with a good record as far as fathers getting custody. But get away from this psychotic woman who has managed to twist things so you have to prove your dedication and devotion when she is the one who cheated.

[Mr Spock]

You need to decided first of all if caring for 5 children will be more realistic for you than paying child support.

 

Then find a really good laywer. And remember, fighting over money affects children too....

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

 

You need to decided first of all if caring for 5 children will be more realistic for you than paying child support....

 

....And remember, fighting over money affects children too....

 

Geez....this is messed up. Five kids, FIVE! And first love on top of that. It's alot to lose.

 

I think Mr. Spock has made some excellent points here. How would you care for five children, AND hold down a full time job? How will you support five children and still have something left to live on? How could you avoid money conflicts which truly are very damaging to children?

 

There's alot of water under the bridge in your relationship. Alot of hurt. Alot of history too.

 

But with all the responsibilities that BOTH you and your wife have undertaken with this large family, is it really feasible to give into the heated emotional response that demands your separation?

 

I'll tell you, I don't think your wife is a b*tch. I think she's got some unaddressed emotional problems. I think she's got some sexual hang-ups. I think 5 kids in 15 years may have altered her progress in gaining maturity.

 

After a month of not being intimate, and her refusing my advances, I admit, I started getting rather frustrated if you know what I mean. She sensed this, and blurted out “You only came back for the sex”. I told her that’s not why, and told her the reasons I mentioned above. She didn’t accept this, and began saying that her “little plan” worked. After a little arguing, she said that she has purposely not been having sex with me to see how I would react (her little plan). And that my actions have told her that I’m only back with her for the sex.

 

I think this is an excellent example of how screwed up her thinking is. It's possible that she is the one who can't move past the own guilt in the affair. Sex may have become dirty to her in light of this. She's looking for validation from you that she, as a person, means more to you than the sexual function....and she's going to extrordinary measures to prove it to herself. Why?

 

You've tried to reassure her, and she is still unassured. Is the past affair in her head even more than it is in yours? Are you in actuality dealing better with her betrayal than she is herself?

 

I think your marriage may indeed be salvagable....not easily to be sure, but salvagable nonetheless. In light of all you BOTH have to lose, aren't you both bound to consider it?

 

Regardless of what decision you make on the marriage, I hope you'll get this lady get some help. She needs it, if only to be a good mama to all the kids. Even if you two divorce, you'll want her to be able to function in a healthy way.

 

Therapy can be expensive, but not as expensive as divorce. And probably necessary in either event. Most health insurance plans have provision for it. Why not call your member services number listed on your health insurance card and find out what your benefits are, and get a list of local providers who are active in your plan?

 

Also, if she hasn't seen a medical doctor lately, why not suggest it? She could be suffering from clinical depression or a hormonal imbalance.

 

If she balks, you can send her to her mother's house alone. Although I think she'll be agreeable if you present the idea of therapy to her in terms of caring for her well-being, and also show her a willingness to be both involved and supportive.

 

Good luck, and post again.

[ML]

Thank you very much for your replies.

It seems there are basically three things being suggested so far…

 

1. Leave and get custody of the children, allowing her to get her financial independence in order, alone.

 

2. Leave and force her to apply for public or state help to supplement child support, and possibly alimony.

 

3. Counseling and/or medical assistance.

 

The first one sounds like a plan right off the top, but the first thing that came to mind is, “How am I going to give them the attention they need while working a full time job”. The second problem with this is, despite the ugly picture I seem to have painted on her, and despite the fact that it may be that way concerning her and me; she IS a wonderful mother, in every way. Taking the children away from her would be a bloody battle to say the least; with the children at ground zero…I can’t do that.

 

The second one took me a while to find the words to voice my problem with it. See, when I left and lived at my dads for half a year, this is pretty much the way it was. She got some public assistance for food, but other than that, there isn’t much else. (I think they will pay the house payment like once a year, and she could get like a 10 percent off her electric bill every month). She would need, from me, no less than 400 a week. And that is bare minimum for her to make her bills, but of course with five children, there’s more than that she will need. So…if I gave her 500 a week (which is what I was giving her during the time I was at my dads) that leaves me with my problem. Not enough money to get my own place, and actually live above poverty level. She simply will not or cannot get her own source of income. If she could or would, then this might work. I could reduce the amount I give her to be able to support myself, and she would be financially ok.

 

She can’t get a job for the same reason I wouldn’t be able to take custody. How can I expect her to get a job AND take care of the children when I don’t know how I would do it myself? Without a job…giving her any less than I stated above would put her in financial crisis, slowly but surely.

 

The third one…well…”Uugghh!” is all I can say. Therapy isn’t something she’ll go for. And she claims to be diagnosed with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). Yet she claims that she is magically intuitive and blessed with an abundance of common sense, so a counselor, I feel, would just be spitting hot air at her.

 

On top of that, I am just so damn exhausted with this relationship that I feel I’m tired of trying, and want to just give up. This has not been an easy thing to admit, because I’ve never been one to just give up on anything. I feel like I’ve been learning that there comes a time when you just have to know when to quit.

 

 

 

I will say this…there is one way…one plan that I feel would work, but has a near zero possibility of it happening any time soon, if at all. This is “having it my way” that she referred to…in which she has seemed intent on NOT letting me have.

 

If she would take the children, and move to her mother’s, then she would have housing (living with her mom) which would take a lot of the pressure off of both of us, financially, until she could find her own source of income. She would have her mother, and two adult sisters (who have already expressed their willingness) to help take care of the children while she gets her financial independence in order…provided that I would still be giving very reasonable child support and alimony for her to do what she needs to do, while assisting her mother with a portion of the bills to pay her way there. (The amount would be less than paying for a full household…1200 monthly mortgage and everything…allowing me the means to support myself.) This would also allow me the time and money to go back to school and further my career…meaning…more money. I’d visit the children as often as I could until I finished school, and then move up there to be closer to my children. (NO, I don’t like the idea of being without my children for any length of time, but the state her mother lives in is Alaska, in a city that has no way in or out except by boat or plane…there is no schooling up there for what I’m wanting to do, but could survive there quite well after graduating) Also, I feel, that this would be a way that would have less “waves”, because just moving out, and forcing her as in the second suggestion above, would only make her increasingly bitter towards me. (Financially forcing her to move to her mother’s, if that’s even possible, or causing her emotional breakdown as things fall apart for her…which…my children would be there along for the nasty ride.)

 

The problems with this scenario, aside form her just not wanting me to “have my way”, is her mother. Her mother has gone through a divorce…wanting to move…unstable at the moment. Not to mention the cost of getting her there……….

 

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Have you talked to a lawyer about your options? You may want to look into that.

 

I have not talked to a lawyer about all this, yet…but I will be soon I hope. My biggest concern is that I don’t want my children or her to struggle or suffer. I want her to be happy, and I don’t think she will ever be happy with me. Maybe I should just “bite that bullet”…I’m just afraid I won’t be able to catch it with my teeth. (If you know what I mean) Unless a lawyer can suggest a reasonable answer for my wife to gain her own income, it would be useless at this point to go to one. Can a lawyer help me in this way?

 

Originally posted by Ladyjane14 is it really feasible to give into the heated emotional response that demands your separation?

 

No, it isn’t feasible, which is what my problem is. But I don’t think we should continue living like this, and stay in a relationship simply because of the children. While the children are being considered, they are not a reason for me and her to stay together, nor can they be allowed to be a factor in us staying together. That would only ensure further problems between us, since it would be, at that time, a marriage of convenience.

 

Thanks again everyone for your advice. As you can probably tell, my mind is a bit scattered. Thanks for trying to help.

[1BrokenHeart2Another]

Hi,

I'm in a situation some what like yours but, I'm a female. "AND I'M GOING TO GET OUT FROM BETWEEN THAT ROCK AND THAT HARD PLACE"

 

I wont go into my story but, I hope I can give you a bit of advice that you just might think about and maybe put to use.

 

I first have a question concerning your wife. Is she Ill and unable to work or just choose not to? She is taking advantage of your love and emotions If she is able to work and wont. She knows what type of man you are and she is relying on that to keep her position.

 

Your first step it to get some legal advice about it. She can be forced to do some type of work if she is in good health I'm positive.

 

2nd question: Do you object to the children being in Day Care? If not ask

your legal advisor about if this can be done.

 

She should be forced to take on her own responsibilities as you have. It's truly ashame that she must be forced but, what must be will be.

 

Work on the first things first, making sure the children are well taken care of concerning all matters, then concentrate on the legal seperation and her taking care of herself. It was not because of your unfaithfulness that your house whole fell but hers. Why should she reap the rewards of your labor in faithfulness?

 

I am a believer in Jesus Christ. I know that in the words of God, he grants divorce only in the case of ADULTRY. That is still a choise. If you chose to stay with her God, is pleased but, if you choose to divore her God,will honor that as well. Your wife broke a Holy Vow between you two and God, He is not pleased with that at all. Once this happens all things between husband and wife and family falls apart. It causes distruction threw out.

 

I know I didn't say very much but, at the same time I said a lot. I pray that your heart heals and life for you is filled with joy once again. Handel your business and walk in Jesus Christ.

 

Take Care

One Broken Heart 2 Another