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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 27th August 2015, 10:38 PM   #1
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Marriage Issues

My wife and I have been together for 11 years, married for over 3...We have 4 kids together(11 f,9 f,7 f, 5 m) and have been together since she was 18(she is 29), I'm 34 and has been her first everything pretty much..Since we have been together I've cheated only once(2006) where she left me and I went out of my way to make that wrong right and I did, I haven't cheated since, been VERY loyal to my wife esp since we married...She has cheated a few times since I did and I forgave and moved on, I haven't been abusive in any way towards her, don't drink, smoke, or club, I work and come home to my family... 6-7 of the years we been together I paid all the bills...I work 2 jobs where she works nights(I suggested she work in the morning but she says she isn't a morning person) and there have been times where she stays out late after work where I'm at home cooking for the house, making sure the kids are good while waiting on her to come home...When I tell her how I feel in reference to her staying out too late she gets defensive and aggressive and says stuff like "I don't have time for this and this why sometimes I don't want to be in a relationship cause can't nobody tell me what to do"....Anyhow, as of late I noticed she would stay out even later, when I confronted her again she gets defensive(I knew something wasn't right) but eventually told me she has a 24 year old male co-worker that is just a friend which in turn she exchanged numbers with and communicates often, she has even confessed that she has went over to his house(he lives with his grandmother) and "chilled" at his house while I'm at home with our kids wondering where she is....She has admitted she is attracted to him and enjoys his conversation but I've even told her I was uncomfortable with that situation but she assured me I don't have anything to worry about....Also, when she mentioned splitting she said she doesn't think it's selfish and that it won't affect the kids and she "needs to work on herself" but what I don't get is she also said that she plans to date and mingle with other guys while we are apart but throws out the rebuttal of "I still see us getting back together later on"....I love my wife and will work through any and everything because I realize it's easy to give up on something but the challenge is holding on because anything worth striving for WON'T come easy....Please give your thoughts
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Old 27th August 2015, 10:47 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by PhillyFlyBoy80 View Post
.Also, when she mentioned splitting she said she doesn't think it's selfish and that it won't affect the kids and she "needs to work on herself" but what I don't get is she also said that she plans to date and mingle with other guys while we are apart but throws out the rebuttal of "I still see us getting back together later on"
Ummm.... yeah..... No.

She wants to put and her family on a back burner while she pretends she is single for a while. She wants to play around with this other guy and - for all intents and purposes - drive the new car around the block on a test-drive and see how it pans out; possibly replacing you as a husband.

Read up on The 180 and prepare for a divorce as it sounds like she has already emotionally checked out of the marriage.
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Old 27th August 2015, 10:54 PM   #3
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She wants her youth back.

You're wife is close to my age. As I see it, she is too young to be married, and have children, however that's done, and it's a beautiful thing to have a great man, and children, a loving home. Although when i say she's too young, i feel that she's not psychologically mature enough for all this. That's why she wants to branch out and live up her 20's, which she should have done in the first place. Not blaming you or her, and I don't really know how else to explain it without seeming blunt about it. Fact is, she does have children to care for, and she did make a promise to you. But then again, that's why we have divorces now, as appose to the 40's 50's pre-women's liberation. So, if divorce is going to happen, it's going to happen. It does sound like your intuition is telling you, that she is cheating on you, and from what i read, my intution is telling me that as well, she is cheating on you. I'm sorry about this. She does love you, other wise she wouldn't want to have her cake and eat it too, she wouldn't want to get back together, after she lives up her 20's, when she's nearly in her 30's with 4 children. She and you, both should have thought this through a bit harder, before you made 4 babies. But those are gifts now, and you need to deal with the facts. Forget emotions, stick to facts now. You're basically a single father now anyways. So, really, it's time to make some tough decisions.
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Old 27th August 2015, 11:10 PM   #4
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The kids will live with me while she tries to "figure herself out" and I told her I will be here for her should she need me but I'm preparing to focus on myself, become an even better man, hit the gym, get some individual counseling sessions by myself while focusing on my kids......
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Old 27th August 2015, 11:13 PM   #5
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The kids will live with me while she tries to "figure herself out" and I told her I will be here for her should she need me
Oh, dear.... Please don't.

You have just given her permission to play around. You realize that, don't you?

Please read up on The 180 and implement it immediately. When/If she comes back, insist on STD testing and using protection *if* you decide to have sex with her.
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Old 27th August 2015, 11:23 PM   #6
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Yes, honestly, have shared custody, she made those babies too, and she needs to own up to that. Also, i agree protect yourself from STD's. She needs to smarten up, but she's totally escaping, she's dealing with her own inner issues, as side from being a mother and a wife, but still, sorry she should have thought about that before having 4 children.
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Old 28th August 2015, 2:29 AM   #7
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I have faced the same.
Wife too young, mother too young, etc...
Do not say you will be there. Say you won't. Give her the options of 50/50 shared custody or 100 for you. Or she's the mother or not. They are not her toys for her to come and have fun with them only, and leave you alone to do all the real parenting work.
And go have fun yourself too! Get a hobby, make new friends and even date if you're feeling like it. Let her see you can have as much fun as her or more!
If all that doesn't doesn't bring her to her senses, at least you will be happier alone instead of miserable with her.
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Old 28th August 2015, 1:05 PM   #8
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You are trying to be "nice" and accommodating to her, but this is going to do nothing but get you cuckolded and being played as a fool and a chump.

You are going to be home raising the kids while she is getting it on with other dudes and laughing at your gullibility and naivete.

If you want your marriage to survive, you are going to have to do the exact opposite. You are going to have to grow some brass balls and lay down some solid, uncompromising boundaries on appropriate behavior.

She is an adult with children and she needs to make an adult decision. She can either be wife with a home and family and behave appropriately as a wife and stay out of other men's beds.

Or she can divorce and live the life of a single woman on the days you have custody.

Don't allow her anything in between or she will just screw other guys and play while you take care of the home and kids.
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Old 28th August 2015, 1:25 PM   #9
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Let me expand on this a little further. As a wife and mother she is entitled to certain considerations from you such as love, affection, companionship, financial support, a home, protection/security and coparenting in raising the children.

However those considerations need to be dependent on her fulfilling her responsibilities to you in return which include coming home and sexual exclusivity.

In otherwords her lifestyle and entitlements to your home and support etc all are dependent on her behavior as a wife and mother. If she wants to be a single woman, that is her prerogative and her choice, but there is no reason on God's Green Earth why you should support her in pursuing that lifestyle.

She can be single but she needs to divorce you, get her own place, pay her own deposits and bills, provide her half of the child rearing and be on her own without your love, support, affections, companionship, protection etc etc.
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Old 28th August 2015, 1:33 PM   #10
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.....What you are proposing here is that you are going to continue to provide her those considerations and benefits, but while she is out dating and screwing and developing relationships with other men.

Where can I sign up for that????? Will you support me, pay my bills and take care of my kids while I go play because that sure sounds like a pretty good deal to me!!!!

If you provide her support and security while she philanders around, she has no incentive to remain faithful to you or remain a responsible wife and mother. She gets her cake and eats it too.

And you have no power and no say in what she does or who she screws.

And since you will be weak and impotent in her eyes, she will lose all respect and all admiration for you, which in turn will destroy whatever last vestiges of attraction and desire for you and she will stop having any romantic/sexual feelings for you at all and she will only desire and only have sex with the other men while you stay home and change diapers and clean up spills.

You get all the work and heartache and the other men get all the poontang and fun.
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Old 28th August 2015, 1:41 PM   #11
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What you have to do here is the exact opposite of what your panic-strickened little voice is telling you to do.

Instead of being accommodating and giving leeway, you need to be strong and decisive and lay down impermeable boundaries.

If she wants to remain in the home and continue receiving the benefits of marriage, she stops acting like a single woman, stops carrying on with other men and starts coming home and taking care of her family appropriately.

If she doesn't want to do that, divorce. Period.

This is about choosing to be married or choosing to be a single mother.

Give her the options of toeing the line on appropriate behavior and seeking counseling and working on whatever issues is making her unsatisfied and restless and making marital life better for her and yourself.

Or divorce and she can be a single mother with shared custody of 4 children.


This is a serious situation and will require serious strength and some balls on your part.

Weakness and appeasement will result in you being the chump babysitter while other dudes get the poon and the fun.
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Old 28th August 2015, 2:08 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by PhillyFlyBoy80 View Post
The kids will live with me while she tries to "figure herself out" and I told her I will be here for her should she need me
with all respect, this is a mistake. don't get me wrong I'm for reconciliation but this is not how it works, you are not helping her at all, she is immature and confused when you give her a chance to explore other option as long as she knows you are there waiting she will drag it and may be never wake up. specially if she finds someone who knows how to exploit confused women like her.
if you love this woman you gotta show her the tough love, do it for your kids too. you should tell he the opposite, that you are not aproving and not waiting for her, trust me she needs it.
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Originally Posted by PhillyFlyBoy80 View Post
but I'm preparing to focus on myself, become an even better man, hit the gym, get some individual counseling sessions by myself while focusing on my kids......
I hope so, because it will take a string and good man to get out of this mess.
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Old 28th August 2015, 2:28 PM   #13
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Look. If she told you that she wants to date and mingle with other guys while being separated then you should tell her your fine with it and then give her a couple of days to move out of the house and let her know that she can't have it both ways, then wish her luck and to put a cherry on top, get separate checking and savings accounts, take her name of the credit card, and stop at the post office and get her a change of address card.

Tell her that you expect her to be gone shortly because you wont have her living under the same roof as you and the kids while she needs to "Do her thing". Don't give her an wiggle room on this matter. Let her know this is the way it will be. She wants to work on herself then she needs to be by herself but not there. Let her know in a way your not fooling around with her attitude, behavior and selfishness. It's her problem so let her figure it out.
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Old 28th August 2015, 2:47 PM   #14
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She isn't finding herself...she is being single. Let her. Find a good lawyer and let her go. She stopped being your wife a long time ago. Infidelity always reaps consequences...yours is that you told her going outside of marriage for emotional responses or sex was ok when you started it. Now, you have a woman who wants to be young and free again..only problem is that you two have four children who need stability and grown ups to parent them. Focus on your kids....stop worrying about your wife's selfishness. She has made her decision to be single...enabling her behavior won't bring her back to you. It will just give her a consequence free environment to play out her teenaged fantasies to the detriment of your children's childhood.
Good luck,
Grumps
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Old 30th August 2015, 11:24 AM   #15
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Any updates Philly?
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