Separated for 3 months... conflicted.

[ConflictedOne]

This is my first post. I met her 8 years ago. For all of our years, we were happy but now we are separated. We have no children. I left my wife 3 months ago because of something that happened - moved back to my home state 1,000 miles away and am currently in a relationship with a new woman - a woman I can't say I really know. I still love my wife but my gut tells me she is not the right fit for me in the long run.

 

My wife actually asked me to marry her and we did so after knowing each other for 6 months. I went with the flow and said "yes" to her request because I was really into her and if I did not say "yes", she would have to go back to her home country because she was not a citizen of the USA. I was so in love, I didn't want something like citizenship to get in our way and we tied the knot.

 

She is from Eastern Europe and I met her in a strip club when we were both in our 20s. We are now in our 30s. With that said, I also didn't really get to know my wife at the club - I met her there when she had three days left on her visa. I got to know her outside of the club. As far as I was concerned, I was going to take her out of there. After marrying her, I no longer went to strip clubs out of respect for our marriage. Please know I am not a "strip club guy" and have done everything I can since marrying my wife to distance myself and her from those kinds of places due to my internal set of values. My values as a single man allowed me to go to these clubs but my values as a married man were different and more conservative - I changed almost overnight when I took my vows and simply got conservative.

 

Considering how I met her, I need to defend her. She is not your typical person. She literally has the most forgiving, accepting and caring heart I have ever witnessed. It doesn't change - she literally likes everyone in a sincere way. I don't think I will ever be able to find someone as nice as she is and I wonder if walking away is a mistake. I think she is totally incapable of ever hurting anyone or acting in malice. Even with people who have treated her badly in the past, she accepts and finds a way to appreciate them. I think it has been part of what as made her survive considering how she came from a country and a home that had so little. My wife is the kind of person who needs to be appreciated, I think this is why she like stripping so much.

 

She was raised poor, grew up without her father and her mother slipped into drink after suffering from a car accident when my wife was the age of 4. Her mother passed away shortly before we met. Put simply, my wife's upbringing was not ideal but she was this beautiful person anyhow. I did not think these aspects were important prior to marrying her because of her heart. If anything, I figured I would make her world better and I can say that her world was indeed better because of my help. She now has a retirement worth around $65K - money I gave her and invested for her on her behalf.

 

I am from the US. My parents were upper middle class and divorced when I was 4 years old. I am college educated and run my own investment business, a business that has been successful thanks in large part to shrewd investment decisions and a strong track record. I am a pretty laid back person but I can be pretty serious when it comes to my career. I am the kind of person who would prefer to be respected.

 

What I found so wonderful about her was how totally different from me she was in just about every way and how wonderful she was a loving person. I was logical - she was emotional. I was big picture - she was small details. We came from different countries with different cultures and grew up speaking different languages. Somehow, we made it work until it didn't.

 

The problems with her for me began about 4 years into the marriage. She was having a hard time finding her footing in America because she didn't want to really work with me on my business and I wouldn't let her dance. From the start of our relationship, I let her know that my wife was not going to be a stripper. I felt this way because of my values. I felt that having a wife who was stripping was really bad for my emotional state and bad for business. I wanted to get her and me as far away from that kind of lifestyle as possible. It turns out that isn't what she wanted.

 

4 years into the marriage, we moved to a big new city. I moved for reasons of business but I also felt that moving would provide the added bonus of getting my wife away from her old strip club friends. I felt a fresh start for her would really help. We were in the new city not more than 3 months when she said to me, very seriously, that she wanted to dance again. I call it stripping, she calls it "dancing". I couldn't believe what I was hearing from my wife. We did not need money. She just wanted to do it. I told her "No. Why? You don't need to do that. You can do anything in the world! Just don't do that. Find something else - anything."

 

I thought that was the end of it. She later began to work on getting a license in Real Estate. She passed her exam and began to make her way in a tough field where no one really makes any money in the first year. It was OK - I could support us and I did so. She found her footing and began to do deals in English, her second language. I was so proud of her. She now can make enough to get by on Real Estate deals.

 

It was 3 months ago that things rapidly fell apart for me. Because of text messages I happened to find that were sent to her phone, I pressed her and she told me she had been stripping behind my back when I was on business trips around 6 years into the marriage. My wife had been going to clubs, was dancing half naked on stage and grinding her pussy on stranger's cocks for money we didn't need while I was out of town. She said she did it on 7 of my business trips but that number is so high, it makes me feel it could be higher. She also kept her secret from me for 2.5 years. Upon hearing the news, a switch inside of me flipped. I felt this person I trusted could do and hide anything from me and I was numb. I felt like I needed to get away from this person.

 

To add to the complexity I need to take us back 2 years from that moment with the texts because to be fair all of the stripping wasn't all behind my back. A little after she began stripping in secret 2.5 years ago - she came at me again to ask that she could strip. I could not for the life of me understand why she kept bringing this up (I now realize it was because she was already doing it anyway and felt guilty and wanted my permission). As it turned out, I was having a terrible year in business and specifically at the time when she was pressing me. I was really depressed. I didn't just compromise - I totally submitted. I kind of gave up and said "OK - If that is what you want to do...". It was like I had spent 6 years trying to get us somewhere and now it was back to square 1 with her. It was at this time that I began to realize how important it is to find someone you love who also shares your values and your vision. We did not share the same vision. I regret how weak I was in letting her strip those few weeks. Waiting until 4am for her to come home really bothered me deeply and I asked that she stop. She did.

 

In the 2 years after I submitted to her, I noticed I slowly lost my unwavering trust in my wife. I became insecure. (Not like me.) I began to not feel comfortable with my relationship anymore. I used to believe that I was enough for her but after the stripping episode, I began to wonder where she was when I wasn't around. I felt like my wife really, really needs attention from other men and she could seek it out. I just felt it. I started to question everything. I felt like she could be ****ing the neighbor who was a known adulterer and had slept with two married women. Why not my wife too?

 

Add to this the new friends that she made in the new city. These friends were from her home country. Her new girlfriends were not strippers but they were married to men in organized crime - something I was able to deduce after knowing them for 6 months and watching their spending habits. I told her we needed to stop being around these people. She didn't care - she defended them because she likes everyone and has a hard time seeing the negative in people. I told her these people are dangerous. They will get in trouble with the law and just being around them is really bad for business. What if they start to ask me if I can invest for them? I did not feel safe with these people around.

 

Her friends also spoke her language and when they would come over to see us or we go to see them - very little english was spoken. When it was spoken it was directed at me and it was my turn to talk. There were times where my wife and one of the guys in the group would speak to each other in their language in front of me even though we all knew English. I really didn't appreciate that. It also turns out the husband of my wife's best friend was indeed in a crime ring and is going to trial this year for stealing $2M worth of goods over a 2 year period. Any one of those guys could easily **** my wife and arrange it in front of me in their language without thinking twice.

 

3 months ago... after reading the text message and hearing about the secret stripping life she had while I was on business - I began to look at her as a liability - something that was going to bring me down. I had helped her a great deal over the years but for once I was really worried that staying with her was not good for me. I felt that she was too different for me to bridge the gap in our differences and that we did not have a shared vision of the future. I also did not want to double down and have children so I made the decision to leave the situation.

 

I am now living in my home state and she says she wants to be with me and that she loves me. She said she has already had a rebound relationship and wants to be with me. I feel like I am leaving someone who really brought me joy but I don't know if I can rebuild the trust or if it is worth it.

 

Should I stay the course and just let this one go or should I invite her to come to live with me and start over?

[RightThere]

She said she has already had a rebound relationship and wants to be with me. I feel like I am leaving someone who really brought me joy but I don't know if I can rebuild the trust or if it is worth it.

 

Should I stay the course and just let this one go or should I invite her to come to live with me and start over?

 

She wants you to continue being her safety net. She had a failed rebound, now is looking around to try and figure out who else is willing to support her. Do not let her back into your life or she'll just suck you dry.

[Mr. Lucky]

She literally has the most forgiving, accepting and caring heart I have ever witnessed. It doesn't change - she literally likes everyone in a sincere way. I don't think I will ever be able to find someone as nice as she is and I wonder if walking away is a mistake. I think she is totally incapable of ever hurting anyone or acting in malice.

 

There's so much contradiction in your post it's hard to know where to begin.

 

How do you square the above description with someone who'd work in the sex trade behind your back? And as she tries to reconnect with you, is her visa/citizenship status tied to your marriage in any way?

 

You've also shot yourself in the foot here. Letting her return to the life only validates her desires. And getting involved with someone else so quickly just muddies the water.

 

In short, a mess. At the very least, I'd take my time in an effort to improve the decision making process...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ConflictedOne]

She is a nice person but she is kind of not intelligent and has too much energy and doesn't really think through the long term consequences of her actions. She tends to do things with out thinking too much and if it make her feel good and it put a little money in her pocket, she would do it. She didn't want to hurt me so she kept it a secret. Her green card status is not tied to our marriage. She is safe in that regard.

 

I did shoot myself in the foot by letting her dance. It killed the whole thing. I was trying to compromise to make it go away but when it started and then stopped I couldn't get it out of my mind and I began to see her as a person that never stopped working on men.

 

i guess, I just really miss this stupid person. Her not being super smart was OK with me - it was the stripping that killed my dreams with her. I felt it was cheap, selfish and disrespectful. I didn't mind the lack of eduction and intelligence - it was OK because I felt she was loyal and true to only me. When I lost that trust, I really began to be critical of the lack of education and intelligence and critical that I was paying all the bills.