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I almost have my separation agreement done. There is one thing left that my ex refuses to sign off on. I want to make sure my 8 year old daughter goes to counselling to make sure she deals with this properly. I put it in the contract because my ex has broken my trust several times. Most recently when she started sleeping with her new boyfriend in our house two months after I left while our daughter was there.

She says our daughter can go to counselling in September but won't sign the agreement to make sure it happens. Her reasons are, "counselling is not the be all end all, and it's a parenting issue not a seperation issue"

That makes no sense to me. The fact that she won't sign saying our daughter can go makes me believe she won't let it happen.

Am I paranoid or does not seem awfly weird?

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TaraMaiden2

You posted about this before and stated that if your ex- won't agree, you'd let the judge decide....

 

Sorry, I'm just not getting why you're going over this again....? :confused:

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She says our daughter can go to counselling in September but won't sign the agreement to make sure it happens. Her reasons are, "counselling is not the be all end all, and it's a parenting issue not a seperation issue"

That makes no sense to me. The fact that she won't sign saying our daughter can go makes me believe she won't let it happen.

Am I paranoid or does not seem awfly weird?

 

Assuming you scheduled the counseling during your custody, how would your STBX wife prevent it from happening :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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Assuming you scheduled the counseling during your custody, how would your STBX wife prevent it from happening :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Agree with this. There is no reason you wouldn't be allowed to take your daughter to see a counsellor. Especially because you are concerned about the living environment your ex has created.

 

Same as if she needed to go see a doctor. If she had the flu, would you need to get your ex's permission to take her?

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Assuming you scheduled the counseling during your custody, how would your STBX wife prevent it from happening :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

In Alberta Canada, both parents have to give consent for the child to go to see a counsellor. So without her signing off our daughter cannot see a counsellor.

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In Alberta Canada, both parents have to give consent for the child to go to see a counsellor. So without her signing off our daughter cannot see a counsellor.

 

Unless there is possible "abuse."

 

However if your daughter isn't in any mortal danger, probably not a road you want to go down.

 

You can get a court order without your ex signing off on it. You just need to convince a judge it's in the best interest of the child. Your ex would have a hard time convincing a judge that it would not be.

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Her reasons are, "counselling is not the be all end all, and it's a parenting issue not a seperation issue"

That makes no sense to me. The fact that she won't sign saying our daughter can go makes me believe she won't let it happen.

Am I paranoid or does not seem awfly weird?

 

The real reason I'm sure is just because she wants to be a .............difficult person.

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Shotclock,

What are you going to do if your ex does not ever sign-off on this? What is your option? Is there even such a thing as a "separation agreement deal-breaker"? That is, for your own sanity and peaceful living, you may just have to let it go.

Failing a willingness to do that, another consideration: are you sure that you're not just clinging to this item because it feels like the last thing that you have any control over?

Or. Given that you are such an advocate for counselling, I assume that you yourself are seeing someone to help you navigate the emotions of getting a divorce. What is his or her take on your possibly-getting-to-the-point-of-obsession about your 8-year old getting counselling?

 

There is something at the bottom of it, and your rational mind does hold the answer...with or without a counsellor to provide any additional insight or perspective.

 

Best of luck.

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Shotclock,

What are you going to do if your ex does not ever sign-off on this? What is your option? Is there even such a thing as a "separation agreement deal-breaker"? That is, for your own sanity and peaceful living, you may just have to let it go.

Failing a willingness to do that, another consideration: are you sure that you're not just clinging to this item because it feels like the last thing that you have any control over?

 

I was going to say that your negotiation position is pretty weak. I apologize that I don't know your history but if you two are separating, your power is diminished.

 

I realize after divorcing that no matter how much I wanted to work on our relationship, if she didn't there was absolutely no-where to go. This is similar.

 

Ronni is right, you're screwed.

 

Unless you can get custodial rights, you really can't do much. Besides (sorry if your perspective is different), I don't think counseling does much anyway. In fact it would probably emphasize it in your daughters mind. she's going through enough, I think putting her through counseling would just serve to punctuate it.

 

I hate to say this but I think you're best off just letting this one go. If you two don't divorce, remember this! :mad:

 

Ken

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She is difficult, she needs control and she just cannot admit that she has ever done anything wrong. She broke my trust in her between US. However, she does take care of our child. What pisses me off is that she but herself first and not our daughter. I gave her **** for introducing the new boyfriend 2 months after I left the house and had supposedly known him for 2 weeks (although they have a mutual friend.) Her response "what am I supposed to do? It's not fair that I can't have a life for 12 days until you take our daughter and you have all this time to yourself"

(Insert mother of the year award here...)

She says she will let her go to counselling without the agreement. I don't trust her but I do want to. She also makes a good point, just because this is court enforceable doesn't mean she will cooperate in the future. Doesn't mean she won't either.

So really, this is kind of the one and only thing I have control over. All I have done is give because it's not worth the fight and I'm tired of being the one that takes the high road. But then again, as long as my child is a minor, I'll probably have to.

Thanks for the input.

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So really, this is kind of the one and only thing I have control over.

No. You have control over what kind of man you are, what kind of father you are, what kind of friend you are, what kind of person you are.

You have control over what kind of thoughts you keep in your head and feelings you keep in your heart.

You have control over whether or not you are going to allow yourself to get caught up in someone else's ego/control games.

 

You will LOSE some of the control that you do actually have, if you dig in your heels on this...because this is something over which you do not have control. (In any case, it's really just going down to the level of your ex, if you now want to be the "control-freak" for this item. You're not that guy; at least, it's not coming across that you're anything like that guy.)

 

There's no great pride or honour available, in butting heads with someone who needs control for whatever their lower ego's reasons. There is, however, in demonstrating the wisdom of knowing when to just walk away from them and leave them to their own devices and ultimate consequences.

 

and I'm tired of being the one that takes the high road.
When you emerge from behind this thing that is obstructing your vision, you'll re-realize what you already know: the view from the high road is much more beautiful and inner-peace-inducing -- that is why you have so far been successfully traveling it, yes? And, your daughter needs to learn this from YOU (because it's highly unlikely that her mom has the wisdom to teach her either why or how to stay on that road).

 

Stay strong...and keep your REAL control; don't give it up to your ex! ;)

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Ronni is right Shotclock, you are looking at this as the last chance to take some control but it's not the proper fight, in fact there may not be a proper fight. The far better thing for your daughter is for you two not to fight, remain on as good of terms as you can and make sure neither of you ever puts the other down in her eyes.

 

I know how it is, believe me. I was married to control freak #1 and she dictated everything to the point that I had no point anymore but in the end it worked out for the best. She was right and who could have seen that coming? ;)

 

I'm not saying just be a pussy, but pick your fights wisely. This one doesn't seem wise to me. Just my perspective. The best!

 

Ken

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If she's that bad at being a Mom - why aren't you going for full custody?

 

When you ask for full custody and present evidence that she's not taking care of her child 1) the judge may award it to you and 2) your ex may agree quickly to the counseling.

 

She's showing you that she wants the power. So start fighting by asking for more in the settlement agreement.

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medical, mental and any health issues really are worthy of putting in a custody agreement. I see your point.

 

This isn't about fighting a minuscule issue, it will later down the road be of concern. Stand your ground to the implementing it into the agreement.

 

Has a court liaison been appointed to get you both to agree on points of issue?

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Majormisstep

I'm in Alberta too and it is unlikely the court/mediator here would enforce immediate counselling unless the child was distressed. It could be a condition of the separation or divorce but the timeline would have to written in the agreement.

 

As the others previously mentioned, it appears to be a control issue. If the x's BF is spending the night while your daughter is home, perhaps a (gentle) conversation with her would be worthwhile suggesting this may not be in your daughter's best interest in the short term. But sooner or later the BF may become a steady fixture in your daughter's life.

 

As I've stated in posts before...we cannot control what the x's do once we have limited or no part of our previous M life.

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