Separation question

[littlelostrightnow]

My husband of three and a half years told me two weeks ago that he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore. He told me he still loves me and is attracted to me, but that he was done. We eventually negotiated to a separation, so he's living with a friend for three months while we see a counselor. We just bought a new house - one he fell in love with - because we have a child on the way, and he said something along the lines of 'my heart just says it's time to move on' and 'I want to be friends; I just don't want to be married.' He has a habit of dating girls and leaving them, and he doesn't get as emotionally attached to things or people as I do. He doesn't seem to understand that leaving a wife is not the same as dumping a girlfriend.

 

That said, he is my best friend, and we have the basis for a good relationship. I'm not sure what happened, but it was obviously something I missed. He's off enjoying himself going to work, hanging out with friends and going to the gym since he doesn't feel pressure to be home with me - I do know he hasn't found someone else. He is my family, and I want to fix our marriage. I know it's going to be a struggle, but I guess what I don't know is how to behave when I see him.

 

When he drops by, how do I handle myself? Between counselor appointments, do we go on dates periodically to keep our relationship existing? Do I stop talking to him altogether? I'm really afraid to do the latter, but I also don't want him to feel like I'm chasing him. Any advice?

[carhill]

Welcome to LS and sorry it couldn't be under more favorable circumstances.

 

1. Do you have any other children beyond the one you're currently pregnant with?

 

2. Have you formalized the separation with a legal agreement and/or filing with the court in your jurisdiction?

 

3. What's been the focus of counseling and what's your perspective on how the process has been going?

 

4. What's his relationship and family history, beyond your statement that he commonly dated women then left and appears to not become emotionally attached.

 

5. What was his response when you became pregnant?

[littlelostrightnow]

Thanks. :/

 

1. No other kids.

 

2. I haven't, and I don't want to. I know it's foolish, but I don't even want to acknowledge divorce as an option right now, even though he's considering it.

 

3. The counselor, I think, is confused. We're friendly, we're friends, we treat each other with respect and laughter, we're kind to each other. Today we had individual sessions, and she just asked a lot of questions - no advice, no homework, so I'm a little lost.

 

4. He was actually excited.

[carhill]

Hmm....

 

What's your expressed separation agreement regarding interacting with other members of your sexual preference. I'm asking this because, as a pregnant woman, and yes I know there are exceptions, it's presumed you won't be out dating and having sex with other men. He's not similarly encumbered. Since you're physically separated and there's a baby coming, I think it's relevant to have a meeting of the minds on this.

 

What do you want to accomplish in counseling? You're (you and H) the boss. You direct the counselor to address issues relevant to your marital health and take active roles in your counseling process. Is this counselor a psychologist? I'm asking because it flies in the face of normalcy for a man to be excited by his wife's pregnancy and then want to separate from her. That needs to be worked at the psychological level, IMO.

 

In light of what you've shared, I'll forward a scary version: He's been thinking the relationship and likes the idea of being a daddy, cognitively, and is processing this like a math problem, using typical male logic.

 

If that is the case, and I hope it isn't, I'd get a formal separation order in place and protect yourself and your yet-to-be-born child. IMO, it'll be easier to deal with now than later in the pregnancy and if any complications to the pregnancy arise.

 

Absent that, clarify what you want clarified in counseling and then make decisions which are healthiest for you and your perspective on the marriage. IME, it won't happen in a day; it's a process. Bits and pieces fall into place and a decision emerges. Hopefully other members will share their experiences.

[PegNosePete]

I do know he hasn't found someone else.

How do you know that? From the information you've posted, I would say there is a very good chance that he is seeing someone else. Especially now he has moved out, he can do whatever he likes with whoever he likes, without you looking over his shoulder.

 

Look, all this separation stuff is just allowing him to have his cake and eat it. I would certainly not allow someone to treat me like that. Where is your self esteem? If I were in your position I would tell him to grow up and make an adult decision rather than all this half-arsed trial separation nonsense. Does he want to be with me forever, or does he want to leave? He has had plenty of time to "think it over". Now it's decision time. Yes or no. In or out. Final answer.