KaliKatherine Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I've been divorced 1.5 years and have primary custody of our two daughters age 2 and 5 1/2. My ex lives in another state, remarried just one year why of our divorce, and has traveled to our state to visit 5x over 1.5 years (only once without his new wife since it was prior to meeting her). His relationship with the girls is sporadic--doesn't call regularly though I've made efforts to facilitate/support that (which given their ages is. NOT easy to do). So I've been in a relationship about 3 months now, and he's only been around the girls twice so far for any significant length of time and only in group settings (ie other kids/families present at gatherings). I'm soon going to be including him on more kid-friendly outings, however I don't really want my ex to learn of his being around through our very socially advanced, perceptive, and outgoing older daughter. Any thoughts on approrpiate time line of how much/what to tell? My ex and I speak rarely, he tends to have some narcisstic qualities but I think he has his hands full with pleasing his very nice, supportive new wife (hope he treats her better than he did me!) we did have a convo shortly after our divorce and prior to his introducing his new wife (then gf) to the girls on his second visit to them. During this conversation I told him I doubted I'd be introducing anyone I was dating to them until I knew the person quite well, probably a minimum of 4-6 months. At the time he wanted to bring his gf of only about 1.5 months from what he told me, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea (his daughter having to 'share' his attention, relationship being relatively new etc) but in the end told him it was his call despite my reservations. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Tell him today. He is remarried, after all. What can he possibly say? If he says anything nasty just remind him of that fact and tell him to go swivel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 my opinion you don't need to go out of your way to tell him. Don't even think about it or him(your ex). he will find out on his own eventually. You don't owe him anything Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I would inform him, only as it pertains to the care of your children. Other then that you owe him nothing, as you are divorce. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 During this conversation I told him I doubted I'd be introducing anyone I was dating to them until I knew the person quite well, probably a minimum of 4-6 months. At the time he wanted to bring his gf of only about 1.5 months from what he told me, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea (his daughter having to 'share' his attention, relationship being relatively new etc) but in the end told him it was his call despite my reservations. Is your concern that you'd appear to be ignoring your own advice since you're in a 3-month old relationship? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I think the only real need to informing your ex is if he were more involved in your kids' lives. I only plan on telling my ex about any new relationships if I introduce my daughter and that way my ex can monitor my daughter to make sure she's adapting OK to everything. If he's in another state and hardly sees them or talks to them, he's probably becoming as much of a stranger as any new man you would introduce. I would say there is no need to tell him unless he's coming out for a visit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KaliKatherine Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 Is your concern that you'd appear to be ignoring your own advice since you're in a 3-month old relationship? Mr. Lucky I'm not entirely sure he will even recall that conversation, but partially yes that is a bit of a concern. I'm not really intending to introduce the new guy as my 'boyfriend' to the girls yet, just trying to be a bit more transparent about that part of my life with him to further feel him out. I have other male friends (single dad friend, old high school friend, family friends) who are a consistent part of social outings eg people we generally see at least once a month. So theoretically since new guy is not sleeping over nor are we going to be canoodling around kiddos it's doubtful they would see him much differently at this point in time. I guess I'm pre-thinking what's appropriate and fair to my ex and interested in how others have approached this/what kind of responses it resulted in. It seems a lot of folks on here that have responded so far have the 'well screw that' mentatliy. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 It seems a lot of folks on here that have responded so far have the 'well screw that' mentatliy. I felt differently. I wanted to know any men my xW was bringing into our son's life and so offered transparency in return. YMMV... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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