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How to fall in love with your spouse again?


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As my username suggests, I am a bad wife. The relevant details: married about 6 years, together 10+, no kids, early 30s. Both of us are busy professionals. Husband is a great guy, very kind and supportive. I'm stubborn and bossy, probably not the easiest person to live with. We were long distance during most of our time dating, and didn't move in together or even live in the same city until we got married. He's more of a homebody, I've always gone out with friends without him - both guys and girls. Sex life has been lethargic the last few years; decreased from ~weekly to ~monthly, then even less. My issues with the sex were that a long time ago he told me he knew I wasn't enjoying it. At that point I was, but apparently I was not conveying it to him then I just got really stressed about trying to show that I do enjoy it to the point were I couldn't relax and enjoy it at all.

 

A few months ago I cheated with one of my guy friends. We hooked up right before he moved away, then kept an online affair for a few months before he ended it. After it ended I told my husband. I told him that he deserved better and should be with someone who loves and appreciates him. Basically ILYBINILWY. I care about him but I see him as family not a romantic partner. He told me he forgives me, said there are things he could have done differently to make our marriage better, and wants to try. Though he said if I wanted to divorce that he would sign the papers and it would be amicable. I told him I need some time and space. We agreed that we could see other people, though neither of us has. After knowing I could I didn't really want to as much anymore.

 

It's been several weeks now. I did go to some IC, though not sure how much I got out of it. I know he's a great guy and I probably wouldn't ever find anyone else who loves me as much as he does. (Case in point - I was out of town and he went to help my parents with something.) And I still think he deserves better - but he wants me. I feel like I owe it to him to try, but how? How do I regain the long lost feelings when we were young and in love, when we've been roommates/friends/almost like brother and sister for so long?

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My STBXW struggled with this as well. She kept trying to "fake it till she made it" after being unfaithful to me for a long period of time.

 

Do you think your husband can give you the things that you want to be happy? If so, you need to be very upfront with him about what you need. Chances are if he's all in on fixing the marriage, he'll do all those things.

 

Hopefully from that, feelings will start to come back.

 

However if you won't be fully committed and will just stay to "see how it goes" you'll never be all in on rebuilding. So you'd be better to leave him and not waste anyone's time.

 

My experience is both people have to be all in on the relationship and be willing to do whatever it takes (kinda like a real marriage). If one is only kind of in, then it has no chance to succeed.

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RightNow, you've definitely touched on some of my concerns. I don't doubt that he would be all in, but I'm not sure I can say the same. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore (who is this person who would cheat on such a great guy?!) and want some time alone. Perhaps an early midlife crisis. Also, part of it is that his "faults" if you can even call them that are more just personality differences between us. I don't think it's fair of me to try to change who he is. Though I did discuss this with my therapist who said that I can ask him to change certain things, and pointed out ways in which my husband had gotten "lazy".

 

One of my (apparently many) problems is I'm not sure what I want. Like I said, he is a good guy. Maybe just not as outgoing and confident as most guys I'm attracted to. Maybe part of me feels like my husband worships me, but I want someone who sees himself as my equal and challenges me a little.

 

I was young (very early 20s) when we started dating, and he was my first serious relationship. I think maybe if I met him now, after spending the last decade just growing up and "sowing my oats", he would probably be everything I would want.

 

At first I thought for sure I wanted a divorce - for his good more than mine. If I can't love him, set him free so he can find someone who will. And honestly, I don't even care so much if I'm single or coupled (maybe that's my problem) but I told him and honestly feel like I want him to find someone who can love him in the ways I don't. I filled out the divorce forms and everything. But I think I'm crazy to leave a man who is kind, good-looking, has a great job, and most of all loves me even though I am crazy. I told him this, he said yes he knows I'm crazy and his life might be easier with someone else but he loves me anyways!

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Not to pass any judgement, but you sound a lot like my STBXW.

 

You aren't happy with what you have, but you don't know what will make you happy. And you keep looking externally for validation and happiness. But if you aren't happy with yourself, you'll never find it out in the real world.

 

The truth is, you won't make a wrong decision to leave your husband. But it's also not wrong to stay and work on your marriage. And that includes telling your husband things that he needs to change as well. Cheating is all on you. But the breakdown in your marriage needs to be shared 50/50.

 

But if you're going to wallow in indecision for a while, then get divorced. Indecision will kill your marriage anyway, so it's the same as deciding to separate anyway. If you are all in on fixing your marriage, then do everything you can to accomplish that. Don't think about all the things you don't have. Appreciate what you do have.

 

I can't tell you what's actually in your heart. But I have a pretty good idea. However know that either decision you'll make will have some regret. And if you choose to focus on that, you'll never be happy. Instead focus on the positives of whatever you decide and that should guide you.

 

Good luck.

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Clarence_Boddicker

If you really love him, you need to let him go. Don't be selfish. He deserves a legitimate partner. You're never going to be happy with him. Yes, it will hurt him at first but he needs to go through that pain to start over. I know it's scary about not knowing for sure if you will find someone as good as he is, but you have to leave him to be true to yourself. The fire in your marriage ended long ago & the coals have turned cold.

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It sounds to me that you're not compatible and never were. You knew each other for awhile but not that well. Now you do.

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