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Should I stay or go with wife who cheated?


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Let me start by saying that I found out about two months ago my wife cheated on me and I am really lost right now. The background--I am 42 and my wife 41. After getting to know her, I fell in love with her because she was a "good woman" who took care of her two small children (at the time 2 & 3 yrs old) and went to work. She was what I had been looking for! We got married a few years later. We have been together 12 yrs and married for 8. We have raised the kids together and with the absence of their real father, I am their DAD and they are my kids. So my wife had never, ever given me any reason to be suspicious but we had began to drift apart a little over the last 3-4 yrs although things were still just OK. Since I never mistrusted, I never could have believed when I stumbled upon an email in her inbox that had some saved texts from her and the other man..so then because of this, I looked at an older phone that it came from and they had an affair. It took her a little while to admit it but she did. She also admitted that she had gotten pregnant by him and had an abortion to "save our marriage" and that she was hurt and devastated by this. This absolutely devastated me because I could not believe that the wife I married because of her values would do this. My reaction after the initial shock was to smother her and try to make it right even though I had done nothing wrong. I even felt the need to comfort her for her loss. So she asked for some time to clear her head and get over what she had been through without me being constantly under her. I also was snooping around a lot because I was absolutely paranoid. Another thing I found that makes me feel suspicious was another man's name as a password on one of her accounts. It makes me think she may have yet another guy. The name for the password is a guy who delivers to a store she works at and she says has been friends for years and there is nothing other than friendship. The bottom line is we have now been separated for a little over a month and we are supposed to talk this weekend about what we are going to do. My gut says leave but my heart is thinking about the kids and them having to move to a different house because she cannot afford to live in the house without me. I also still love her but I am struggling to get over this and to trust her. I feel like a fool and an idiot and I am so deeply hurt and lost that I am embarrassed. I have turned into someone I didn't used to be...I used to be a strong, confident, and sometimes one of the complaints from my wife was I was "too hard" acting all the time...well that went out the window because after crying probably 2 times in front of my wife in 12 years...I now have cried in front of her 20 times in a month. She says she loves me and to give her some time but I want her to work to get me back and I think she wants me back for practical reasons but she doesn't really act as thought she really loves me like I need. Any words of wisdom would be great or encouragement or even telling me how stupid I am. I just need some feedback. Thanks in advance.

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Friskyone4u

Whether you should stay or not is hard to decide right now . You know why ???

Because you have no clue what she is or is not doing .

You know about one affair and if you are find other me. In her social media and listening to this ridiculous crap about "just friends" ,'you are in a large scale state of denial.

The question you have to ask yourself is this . Do you want to regain your dignity , and sanity ,'or do you want to stay married at all costs in the open marriage she hAs you in right now.

Every single thing you have described as you have done is exactly the opposite of what you should be doing

Basically you are telling her and/or yourself that because of the kids you will continue to tolerate her cheating so as not to disturb things.

So make you decisions and if you decide you do not want to be in a marriage with more than two oeople in it , there is a lot of advice you can get. But it is a waste of time if you do not want to risk losing your marriage in order to save it

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Let me start by saying that I found out about two months ago my wife cheated on me and I am really lost right now. The background--I am 42 and my wife 41. After getting to know her, I fell in love with her because she was a "good woman" who took care of her two small children (at the time 2 & 3 yrs old) and went to work. She was what I had been looking for! We got married a few years later. We have been together 12 yrs and married for 8. We have raised the kids together and with the absence of their real father, I am their DAD and they are my kids. So my wife had never, ever given me any reason to be suspicious but we had began to drift apart a little over the last 3-4 yrs although things were still just OK. Since I never mistrusted, I never could have believed when I stumbled upon an email in her inbox that had some saved texts from her and the other man..so then because of this, I looked at an older phone that it came from and they had an affair. It took her a little while to admit it but she did. She also admitted that she had gotten pregnant by him and had an abortion to "save our marriage" and that she was hurt and devastated by this. This absolutely devastated me because I could not believe that the wife I married because of her values would do this. My reaction after the initial shock was to smother her and try to make it right even though I had done nothing wrong. I even felt the need to comfort her for her loss. So she asked for some time to clear her head and get over what she had been through without me being constantly under her. I also was snooping around a lot because I was absolutely paranoid. Another thing I found that makes me feel suspicious was another man's name as a password on one of her accounts. It makes me think she may have yet another guy. The name for the password is a guy who delivers to a store she works at and she says has been friends for years and there is nothing other than friendship. The bottom line is we have now been separated for a little over a month and we are supposed to talk this weekend about what we are going to do. My gut says leave but my heart is thinking about the kids and them having to move to a different house because she cannot afford to live in the house without me. I also still love her but I am struggling to get over this and to trust her. I feel like a fool and an idiot and I am so deeply hurt and lost that I am embarrassed. I have turned into someone I didn't used to be...I used to be a strong, confident, and sometimes one of the complaints from my wife was I was "too hard" acting all the time...well that went out the window because after crying probably 2 times in front of my wife in 12 years...I now have cried in front of her 20 times in a month. She says she loves me and to give her some time but I want her to work to get me back and I think she wants me back for practical reasons but she doesn't really act as thought she really loves me like I need. Any words of wisdom would be great or encouragement or even telling me how stupid I am. I just need some feedback. Thanks in advance.

 

This may sound dismissive or mocking but don't cry in front of her. Seriously. Mutual showing of emotion is fine (actually good) between partners on equal footing, but if she's evaluating you right now, and it sounds like she is, crying in front of her will make you look weak and make her feel some measure of disgust most likely. That'll in turn make her size up competitors again.

 

This all assumes you go the route of trying to salvage the marriage. If you don't do that, she's probably not the right person to cry in front of anyway.

 

So yeah, do whatever it takes - cry in the shower or to your buddy or your mom but don't do it in front of her.

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Thanks Frisky. The truth hurts...maybe I have lost all self dignity. I just wonder how my wife turned into such a different person....it is not only because of the kids. I do still love her despite what she has done.

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You have had a major emotional trauma.

 

Don't try to handle it alone.

 

Its too big for you to deal with alone.

 

You need someone to talk to.

 

That could be a counsellor/therapist, or a minister of religion, if you have any religious beliefs. See if there are resources locally, that offer support to men, or telephone helplines.

 

Under no circumstances allow yourself to become socially isolated.

 

It's ok that you don't know what you want to do right now.

 

People here will give you support.

 

Post as often as you need to.

 

 

Take care.

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Satu,

Thank you so much for the kind and helpful words. I actually have been going to counseling and it helps some but the hard part is that the only person that can decide is me and that is a lonely feeling. It is still shocking to me that I am in this situation based on my wife's track record. Everything about her said "good girl" and she cheated...still hard getting over the shock of it.

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Satu,

Everything about her said "good girl" and she cheated...still hard getting over the shock of it.

 

Yes, it's a massive shock, and would be for anyone.

 

Do you have other people you can talk to, besides the counsellor?

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Yes, it's a massive shock, and would be for anyone.

 

Do you have other people you can talk to, besides the counsellor?

 

Satu, I do have a good support system but it just seems like no matter how much I talk about it that I am still an emotional roller coaster. Like right now, I am thinking about how bad I want to be with my wife and kids. I want to talk to her but I don't want her to think I need to talk to her because she is not acting like she "needs" me so I don't want to be chasing her...but my mind constantly thinks about her.

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Sorry you are going through this. I hate separations because in most cases they are just a way for wayward spouses to test drive their affair partner without the guilt of being married. My guess is you only know part of the truth. She cheated yet you are giving her the power to decide the fate of your relationship, you already know she makes selfish poor decisions. She will only confess to what you already know. Is her other man married or in a relationship? If the answer is yes and you want her affair to be over, expose him to his wife or girlfriend.

 

First thing you need to do is talk to a lawyer, you don't know how this will impact you, you need to know your rights. If your relationship is unhealthy, never stay because of the kids. Talk to a lawyer about a post nuptial agreement, if she won't honour her vows perhaps a financial consequence might get her attention. Please read up on the 180 and implement it immediately.

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Friskyone4u

It does not matter that you love her. She does not love you enough to stop banging other men. You are not going to regain your dignity or anything else until you confront her and tell her YOUR terms and boundaries to remain married to you

 

She is not going to respond to pleading . The minute you tel her you love her and will do anything to work it out you have totally emasculated yourself and the message she will get is she can do whatever she wants to and you will accept it

There is no support system that makes a bit of difference . You cannot control her actions but you can control yours . You know what she is doing and either you act or you accept it. There is no guesswork here so stop pondering

 

She is doing it because she wants to . Read that again . When that sinks in maybe you will take some positive action

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It does not matter that you love her. She does not love you enough to stop banging other men. You are not going to regain your dignity or anything else until you confront her and tell her YOUR terms and boundaries to remain married to you

 

She is not going to respond to pleading . The minute you tel her you love her and will do anything to work it out you have totally emasculated yourself and the message she will get is she can do whatever she wants to and you will accept it

There is no support system that makes a bit of difference . You cannot control her actions but you can control yours . You know what she is doing and either you act or you accept it. There is no guesswork here so stop pondering

 

She is doing it because she wants to . Read that again . When that sinks in maybe you will take some positive action

 

Frisky, I actually do not know what she is doing now. I know she ended the affair that she admitted to about 10 months ago and I know this because she told his wife when he would not leave her alone after she began "feeling guilty." Obviously she was still wrong but my point is, if this is the only affair she had and I know it is over, then should I give her a chance or should I end it? Is it possible that a good person made a selfish decision? I appreciate your candor but I am not sure that I had laid those things out in my initial post.

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Friskyone4u

You laid it out . You are separated and now she is communicating with another man . Separations without rules that are verifiable most often just result in space to cheat some more.

My suggestion is to move back I and set the boundaries and this delivery man has to go .

And being "pretty sure " she ended the affair is not good enough .

 

Your marriage cannot be saved or rebuilt with out total truth .

Why are you so sure you have it . Because some one who lied to you told you so???

Obviously there are more details .

 

You need a much clearer explanation of delivery man than he is a friend . That does not cut it

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Obviously she was still wrong but my point is, if this is the only affair she had and I know it is over, then should I give her a chance or should I end it? Is it possible that a good person made a selfish decision? I appreciate your candor but I am not sure that I had laid those things out in my initial post.

 

I think what others are trying to point out is that you're looking at this backwards.

 

You don't "give her a chance", she earns an opportunity by being remorseful, transparent and proactive in trying to repair the damage she's done. Based on what you've posted. she's 0 for 3.

 

Rather than telling you she wants a break to consider her options, she'd be proving she wanted to be with you.

 

And she wouldn't be grieving her loss, she be sad for the way she's hurt you, your family and your marriage.

 

She's not doing any of the work to repair the destruction she's caused. Until and unless she does, you should be moving to clarify the legal terms of your separation and protecting your interests. Seems she's only going to look out for herself...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Divorcing does not mean the Children will suffer. You can still be a good father & mother after divorce, that's called co-parenting. More often a good non-conflict divorce is helpful. A good divorce can make you a better father to focus energy to your children instead of worrying about your wife's next probable affair.

 

We have to accept that some people are just don't share our morals and values. Do not worry about your wife's finances she will find her own way.

 

You can learn from this tragedy as well. Find out why your wife cheated. This may be useful in future relationships.

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Sorry but get out of there ASAP. Who knows, maybe the biological father of her kids left because of infidelity as well? Some women are single mothers for a reason. You were there to provide security, the fun she wants from other guys. And you can still be in the children's lives after divorcing.

 

Agreeing on the therapy though, it will help you sort you out.

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Never stay with a cheater. No excuse will ever be good enough. Getting cheated on really hurts and breaks down your pride but don't let that be the reason you stay with them. Your better off moving on and finding someone that will love and respect you.

 

Most cheaters never learn. The only thing the learn is how no to get caught again. Why look over your back because they are selfish. Walk away and be thankful everyday you dont have to be with them.

 

I left my xW and kept custody of our kids. It had me so upset and confused I actually had to DNA test both of my kids. Thank God they are mine but I am so much more happy I am not with her anymore. She never learned. The guy she cheated on me with she recently left him for the new guy. She now is living out of his truck. Sounds like she is doing great. lol

 

Clay

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questions:

1.) how old are the children

2.) how i your relationship with children

3.) how is the sex life with wife

4.) whats her answer why she cheated

5.) has she fallen out of love for you (i love you but not in love with you) ILYBNILWU

 

advice;

1.)best to go to marriage counseling (MC). See if it can still be fixed.

2.)check for drugs

3.)if you want reconciliation, she has to go through steps. to go NC with AP and give you access to phones and emails.

4.)best not to shout,raise your hand or hit your wayward wife (ww)

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you cant have her back if she don't want you man. By you taking her back when shes not even sure if your what she wants. Just leave her alone, take it a day at a time. In the meantime embrace your single life man, live it up.

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questions:

1.) how old are the children

2.) how i your relationship with children

3.) how is the sex life with wife

4.) whats her answer why she cheated

5.) has she fallen out of love for you (i love you but not in love with you) ILYBNILWU

 

advice;

1.)best to go to marriage counseling (MC). See if it can still be fixed.

2.)check for drugs

3.)if you want reconciliation, she has to go through steps. to go NC with AP and give you access to phones and emails.

4.)best not to shout,raise your hand or hit your wayward wife (ww)

 

The kids are 14 and 15. My relationship with the kids is great. Our sex life is non existent and has been for about 5 yrs...orobably had sex 10 times in those 5 yrs. She says she did not have the intention of cheating but this old boyfriend from 20 yrs ago made her feel young and attractive again and she thought I was not loving enough. I know I had moments but always did my best to be a good husband. I was eith her 12 yrs and did not cheat...never thought she would.

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Our sex life is non existent and has been for about 5 yrs...orobably had sex 10 times in those 5 yrs.

 

And you're surprised the sh*t hit the fan :confused:???

 

How long were you planning on living like this?

 

Mr. Lucky

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And you're surprised the sh*t hit the fan :confused:???

 

How long were you planning on living like this?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr. Lucky,

I loved my wife so I thought this would eventually change and that it was a phase...you can call me stupid like most people here and maybe I was, but I really thought that besides the sex, we had a solid relationship and I was willing to sacrifice that. So to answer your question, I might have continued forever. I know many of you do not understand but I am simply devastated. I drove home from work today yelling at my wife who was not in the care, yelling at myself, and beating my stearing wheel while I cried a pathetic loser. I have never felt this way in my life...I honestly never knew it would hurt this bad.

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Mr. Lucky,

I loved my wife so I thought this would eventually change and that it was a phase...you can call me stupid like most people here and maybe I was, but I really thought that besides the sex, we had a solid relationship and I was willing to sacrifice that.

 

Hubster, don't want to beat you up, sounds like you have that covered :( .

 

But 5 years isn't a phase, it's a history. And there's an old saying that sex is 5% of a marriage when it's working and 95% when it's not.

 

You can't ignore/deny something so important and hope it will all work out, that's a dangerous way to go. No pain no gain, hope you carry something forward from this in this or another relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I am sorry for what you have experienced. There are few things in life that are more painful than having your spouse cheat on you. To answer your specific question - "Should I stay with my Wife?" - the answer is: it depends. It depends entirely on her response and your will. When a spouse cheats, the responsibility is on them to show that they are repentant and committed to do whatever it takes to regain trust. The idea that you should never stay with a "cheater" is not reality because many marriages are turned around and become better than anyone thought possible after infidelity. If you decide you want to stay, and your wife shows herself to be truly sorry and broken, then you are ready to do the hard work of recovery.

 

I highly recommend that you do whatever you have to do to get your hands on the book Love Must Be Tough: New Hopes for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. It is a very practical book that addresses the very situation you find yourself in right now. I believe in this book so much I think you should get deep into the material before seeing your wife this weekend. Whatever the two of you decide, whether it is to stay or go, there are tough days waiting ahead. Reconciliation can take place, I have seen it happen, but true change doesn't take place without the help of a professional of some kind - a counselor or a Pastor.

 

I used to counsel directly with couples in the past and I am heavily involved in helping even now. Another book I have used is Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair by Dave Carder and Duncan Jaenicke. There is also a great organization called The National Institute of Marriage which specializes in four day intensive marriage counseling. The couples who go there are on their last leg. Many have already filed for divorce and others have already finalized one. The success rate for these couples is phenomenal. Over 84% of those who attend are still married two years later and doing much better.

 

The simple fact is that change can take place if both of you want it. I am very familiar with a faith-based organization that offers a free counseling session by phone with a licensed counselor. They also have lots of online materials that are very helpful. If you want more information about anything I have mentioned please feel free to send me a private message. Again, I am sorry for the situation and the pain. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please know that there is hope!

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Hubster,

 

Yes the sex issue was a problem. I am sure you were not happy with it either. Did she bring it up with you , say it was an issue and ask that you work together to resolve it.

 

No she had an affair. Were you happy with no sex, I suspect not. Did you have an affair?

 

While you certainly had a serious issue the affair and subsequent breakup are not your fault. Don't beat yourself up. Yes you are responsible for the issues that led up to the affair. But a good partner would have a conversation, force counseling , maybe divorce you. But have an affair? No.

 

Don't beat yourself up.

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So after constantly thinking about this, and listening to much advice from all of you, I think that I am going to tell her we need to divorce--but I am also moving back in and will sleep downstairs because I really need to be back in the house since I am paying the mortgage and it is just so hard going back and forth. We are supposed to have our "talk" on Sunday about what we are going to do moving forward. I am going to give her the opportunity to speak to see what she is thinking. Maybe she will make it easy and say she wants a divorce--maybe she will make it hard by putting a guilt trip on me and telling me she still loves me. I am trying to stick to my guns here but this by far the hardest decision I have had to make in my life. Deep down I feel it is over and that I can't trust her. I have started the 180 day rule, although it has only been a few days and that is very hard. I have have brief contact with her because of the kids but I keep it all business. If she would just "fight" for the marriage and act like she wanted me, I would probably be an idiot and go back, but right now, I am trying to stay hard about it. Honestly, I am an emotional wreck and all over the map..I tend to change my mind about every hour...I just want to be happy again!

Edited by hubster
grammar
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