tolwagen Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 (edited) I’m new here. Background – I’m 36 year old, my wife is 47. We have a 6 year old son. We’ve been together for 12 years, married for 8. For the past few years (5 years or so), the marriage’s dynamics have changed to where we are more housemates than spouses. We get along very well, and do love each other, but we both acknowledge that the marriage is not what it should be. My wife has a drinking problem, whereas she would binge drink, to the point where she’d pass out. Our son was fortunately too young to understand. We both used to party hard and drink, but I pretty much toned down since before his birth. She refused to admit to having a problem even after I threatened to leave, many times. Her excuse was that we used to get drunk together, and since I don’t, I am judging her. Then, last year, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for bipolar disorder. In the recovery time which followed, I basically forced my wife to see a psychologist, as she has issues from her childhood that she needs to deal with. Only after the doctor told her that she is an alcoholic, did my wife stop drinking alcohol completely. We both have not touched alcohol since September last year. To be very honest, I haven’t had hope for us for some time, and if my wife was to be totally honest, I think she would agree. Last week I told my wife that I am seriously considering a divorce. She was heartbroken, and we had long talks about it. At times she realises that it is coming, at other times she is completely in denial and speaks as though there is nothing wrong. We are seeing a marriage counsellor next week, pretty much to tell us whether he thinks that a divorce is the right route for us. We bought a large house in 2011, which we have renovated to our taste, and to make it ours. We have, since then, offered my parents to build a smaller place on our yard/plot. The plans and authorisations to have this done took nearly a year, but we finally have all the paperwork finalised and they can start building immediately. They have retired, and have no income. This is part of the reason why we told them to come and live there. Now, should we divorce, one of us would buy the other one’s share of the house. Selling it and splitting the money isn’t an option, due to my folks coming to live there. I would be able to buy her out. But I feel incredibly guilty for staying on in the home where we were supposed to grow old in, while she has to move into a smaller place. I am willing to move over to the smaller place once my folks have built it, and have them live in the big house. But still, I feel guilty for her having to be moved from a big place, to something smaller. My problem/question/issue is this: how can I stay with my wife only for the sake of our child and guilt? This is really eating me, and it is really not helping with my bipolar Edited August 7, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
StalwartMind Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 I don't see how you can stay and potentially expose yourself to a prolonged period of misery as well as relationship relapses. None of that sounds at all healthy for you, her or your child. Children draw and absorb tremendously from their parents and environment. Many adults have poor awareness and just as many tend to underestimate how sensitive and observational kids actually are. Even if someone is of high spiritual beliefs, life isn't meant to be so destructive that we feel unable to enjoy and will actually just give into things out of guilt. Compassion is an amazing quality, but when used inappropriately it can be to your own detriment. I'm not one to tell you if you should reconnect with this woman who you are taking things slow with, but I do believe that you would benefit greatly from getting all your emotions in a much better place. Finish things that bother your mind, before you commit completely into new adventures that easily can bring a new set of challenges. All responsible parents will do their best in ensuring that their child grows up with love as well as are taught good values. Even that in today's world is no real guarantee that they will do well, but at the very least they will have been given a better chance. Relationships where the involved parts feel more distant from each other than close are almost a self-fulfilling prophecy. I do value that you feel guilty about the house arrangement, but seriously in such a case I would do whatever you can live the best with, but also trust in someone else if they say things are alright. Splitting is typically fun for no one, but being adults and responsible about it leaves a better taste and impression with everyone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 If you are able to buy out your partner's share of the house and still accommodate your parents, that is probably the best solution. Staying with someone out of guilt never works in the long run, and you will just become bitter as well as more unhappy. Splitting is always difficult, but it sounds like in your mind you are already "gone". Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Look, this is a conceptual problem. You didn't do anything wrong. In fact if you were to give her more than she deserves then you would be doing something wrong and deserving of guilt because the fact is giving someone unearned benefits that they would squander is wrong. You could give your beneficence to someone more deserving who would make better use out of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 How much of this: We said, once again, that we will work on our marriage, but we kiss and hug for a few days, then we’re back to being just friends. We have not had sex in about 16 months. She now wants to, but I honestly don’t feel sexual attraction towards her. Is tied to this: In March this year, the other woman contacted me to find out how I was doing, and we started chatting again. The old feelings surfaced again, and I just can not help it. The feelings are mutual. In my opinion, impossible to accurately assess or work on your marriage when you're involved in (at least) an EA with someone else. You're not being fair to either your spouse or the relationship... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tolwagen Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 Thanks everyone. We are seeing a counsellor this afternoon, just for an independent outsider's view on the stance of the relationship. The "other woman" has been putting quite a lot of pressure on me to move this along as fast as possible, which is not helping. I am considering telling her that we should take a break, and reconnect once all this is finalised. I really don't need this added pressure right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tolwagen Posted June 24, 2015 Author Share Posted June 24, 2015 Guys, I have no idea how I am going to be able to live with seeing my son only every second week. Can anyone please help me? Link to post Share on other sites
Totallyfooled Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 I'm very new to this forum, but I think Mr Lucky hit the nail on the head. If you do still love your wife, albeit not romatically, I would think that to cut all contact with the OW (especially as she is putting so much pressure on you, which sounds very selfish to me on her part) would be the best thing to do in order to really give the marriage and counselling a good go, at least for an agreed amount of time. If you are able to do that, and give it everything you've got to try and reconnect, then at the end of it all still have no connection with your wife, I'd have to agree and say that staying out of guilt is definitely not a healthy relationship for either of you, or your son. I really do think after 12 years it's worth trying to go down the road of marriage counselling first, but you both need to really be open minded and want to make the marriage better for it to work. In my case it was very one-sided from the start, in time I had the lightbulb moment that led me to the decision that the time had come to finally give up on my marriage of 17 years, but at least I can say that I did really try my best to do all that I could to fix it, even after all my H had done. Unfortunately he had already moved on, he didn't want to admit it, but at the same time wasn't prepared to do anything to work on fixing anything either, and it takes two to fix a struggling marriage. I don't know what to say about only seeing your son every second week, I'm not in this position at this stage as my H works 6/7 days a week farming, so he physically can't care for our boys and give them the time needed to have a 50/50 care arrangement, but unfortunately this is the fallout of separating when you have children. The only thing I could say is maybe if you do end up separating, all you can do is try to keep things as amicable as possible, then hopefully between the two of you, you may be able to come to an arrangement that works for all three of you (your son being the most important participant in these arrangements of course). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tolwagen Posted July 3, 2015 Author Share Posted July 3, 2015 My wife and I went to see my psychologist yesterday and basically agreed that a separation is the way to go. We are just going to have to iron out the logistics, and then make the move. We are both very adamant to do this amicably, and I really hope we can stick to that 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 My wife and I went to see my psychologist yesterday and basically agreed that a separation is the way to go. We are just going to have to iron out the logistics, and then make the move. We are both very adamant to do this amicably, and I really hope we can stick to that I hope it works, best of luck going forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 My wife and I went to see my psychologist yesterday and basically agreed that a separation is the way to go. We are just going to have to iron out the logistics, and then make the move. We are both very adamant to do this amicably, and I really hope we can stick to that Hope it works out though, if she figures out you were already involved with someone else, odds not in your favor... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author tolwagen Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Since my last post, my wife and I have decided to try one more time. I basically only agreed to it out of guilt. Yesterday we saw the counsellor, and I pretty much admitted it. We are now finally looking into separation. I am just so scared of what this is going to do to our son... Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 you're just having a bad day. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I'm a divorcee who was married for 20 years who ended things amicably and who continues to interact with my ex amicably to this day - it's been 6 years since our split. Divorce is hard on everyone but so is staying in an unhappy and fulfilling marriage. Children aren't stupid and they can sense when things aren't right. All you can do is work on your relationship as a separated couple and co-parent your son as best as you can. Making him and his happiness a priority makes all the difference. I'm a testament that is CAN work as long as you both want it to work. Apart from being madly in love and staying married it's the best gift you can give your son. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tolwagen Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Hey Casey. It's more than a bad day. It feels to me that everything I do is driven by guilt towards somebody. I know that I am hurting people, regardless of what I will do regarding my marriage/divorce, and I guess I'm so scared of hurting them, that I'm willing to put my happiness on the line. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 You are hurting your partner if you remain in the relationship without feeling the love, commitment and desire any partner wants and deserves. I am finally (almost) free after a 20-year marriage, one that was great for many years but had turned hostile, uncommunicative and tense. I stayed longer than I should have, due to his depression issues and general unhappiness/mid-life crisis. I hope he will be okay-he wanted the split too-but I am so much happier, less stressed and even feel better physically. I hope he can find happiness in his life. He has a much better chance now that we are apart, as do I. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oxi1918 Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Hi there you are not alone. I too am contemplating divorce, but am not looking fwd to hurting my wife. We have a little daughter who we both think is amazing. I look at her and how happy she is. But, I also realize my wife deserves honesty. If I cannot love her, she should have the opportunity to find somebody who will. We came close to separating last year, but I went back out of guilt and wanted to try and rekindle what I felt in the past. We went to half a dozen MC sessions but are now slipping back to our old ways IMO. I am certainly no longer trying to be fair when we argue and neither is she. Thankfully, we do not fight a lot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Since my last post, my wife and I have decided to try one more time. I basically only agreed to it out of guilt. Yesterday we saw the counsellor, and I pretty much admitted it. We are now finally looking into separation. I am just so scared of what this is going to do to our son... While you were "trying", what kind of interaction did you have with your OW? Does your wife know you have this other relationship queued up? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author tolwagen Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 We've been trying for over 4 years - way before the OW was even in the picture. What makes it worst is that my wife is a wonderful woman. We don't argue EVER, which could also be read as an indication of the level of passion left. I truly love my wife as a wonderful mother, and as my best friend. But I think that she deserves someone who will make her happier Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 We've been trying for over 4 years - way before the OW was even in the picture. You said this: Since my last post, my wife and I have decided to try one more time. During this one more try, what kind of interaction did you have with your OW? You also didn't answer this: Does your wife know you have this other relationship queued up? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
hromo Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Your heart is not in this. You cannot try again with someone else is in the picture . your hurting your wife more by giving her false sense of hope. you need to come fully clean about the other woman. it will hurt her and she will feel betrayed but nothing is worse then living a lie. sorry if this sounds harsh but if you put yourself in this involvement you have to own it. It will be worst when she finds out cause that is inevitable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tolwagen Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 My wife knows that the OW is in the picture. I have realised that we can't give this a (last?) go while the OW is there, and I am breaking all contact with her as from today. I know I've pretty much been an *********, and that my family deserves a real effort from my side to make this work. It hurts like hell, and I know that there are no guarantees. But I owe it to my son to try Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 My wife knows that the OW is in the picture. I have realised that we can't give this a (last?) go while the OW is there, and I am breaking all contact with her as from today. I know I've pretty much been an *********, and that my family deserves a real effort from my side to make this work. It hurts like hell, and I know that there are no guarantees. But I owe it to my son to try You're making progress. No one can guarantee success even if you try your *ss off. But you can guarantee failure with a half-hearted attempt and an OW circling nearby. After 4 years, either all in or all out. Anything else a waste of everyone's time... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author tolwagen Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 Thanks Mr L. I've broken it off with the OW and it hurts like hell. I don't know how to try again with my wife. No matter what happens, someone loses and a lot of people get hurt. I am extremely unhappy at the moment, to the point where I wonder if anything is worth it. As I said to my wife last night, what is the purpose of my family staying together, while I am this unhappy, and it makes my bipolar worse? I take it out on those around me, and my son suffers. I have been emotionally dead, and unable to cry. But last night I cried myself to sleep, and I woke up this morning crying. I am in such a terrible place right now. Seeing my psychologist this afternoon and I really am hoping for some clarity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tolwagen Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 Hey So my wife and I have decided to give this a real go, and we've given ourselves six months in which to decide whether we can stay in this as two HAPPY individuals, or whether it's time to call it a day. We were considering separation, but I think it's going to be too disruptive to have our son having to get used to the idea, and then, should be decide to go over to the next step (divorce), be uprooted again, especially in the first few months of his first school year. I have broken romantic contact with the OW, and intend to now break all contact with her. This is breaking my heart, as the feelings I have for her are very strong, but I do intend to give it all to make the marriage work. I just have no idea how one puts a spark back into a marriage? Any ideas, please? Link to post Share on other sites
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