She's leaving in two days, and I CAN"T WAIT!!

[MassiveAtom]

Hi all!

 

It's two days away, the last time I'll have to be in the same house with my wife is tonight. Check THIS OUT. I CAN"T WAIT UNTIL SHE LEAVES!

Oh, the uninterrupted peaceful night of drinking a beer if I want one, thinking that raising kids without boundaries is horrible, knowing that committment is the strongest expression of love there is. AND KNOWING IT without the condescending attitude of an inflexible woman. I cannot believe that now that I've given myself permission to honestly react to her as myself, (which is to not react) and not like some Oprahfied, Philundated, Crocetized, spineless, wimpus americanus, I feel so good! I can't believe I actually LOVED this person.

 

OMG, I came home and sat down at my computer, I started surfing match.com, before I realized it she was standing behind me. When I realized it, I felt put off. Not about me scoping digital chicks, but that she was standing NEXT to me. She gave me the willies!

That says something. I really hope the disdain I feel for this woman subsides, because she really makes my stomach turn lately. and if I have to see her everytime I pick up my kids.... ick!

 

So here's the question, How does it come to pass that I loved this woman enough to nearly destroy myself, (stopping doing everything that made me who I am) Do evrything under the sun for her, (house, kids, dog, business)and now feel such revulsion for her? Man these emotions are a WILD place!!

 

For those of you following this sordid tale, I forgave her for all the jusnk she did in our marriage, but I haven't even begun to forgive for the crap she's pulling in divorce. Boy some people!

 

Somebody's sig is that "Watching you walk out of my life won't make me bitter and cynical about love..."

 

THAT is so true!

 

MA

[Devildog]

mA, I am glad to hear that your tale of woe and heartache is finally nearing an end, and that it is an end you feel happy with. I wish you the best of everything you deserve in the future and that the effort and love you put into this unworthy woman will be repaid to you ten fold by a more worthy and deserving woman.

 

So here's the question, How does it come to pass that I loved this woman enough to nearly destroy myself, (stopping doing everything that made me who I am) Do evrything under the sun for her, (house, kids, dog, business)and now feel such revulsion for her? Man these emotions are a WILD place!!

 

Like someone told me, when we love someone we tend to see past all those things that other people see. I am sure there have been dozens of people who have asked how you stayed with her so long. Once the love is gone or damaged, we can see that person without the rose colored glasses, and the flaws become evident. And then we see everything we gave up and it makes it even worse.

 

Congratulations, you have your life back. Use it well, and your future will be glorious.

[Scott S]

As the song goes, "THANK GOD AND GREYHOUND SHE'S GONE!"

 

Is that about right?

[MassiveAtom]

That's what I was thinking last night as she did her "oh your so mature" thing again.

 

I laughed to mysef, because her sarcasm was completely unfounded and I knew she didn't have a clue as to why, and couldn't begin to understand that her attitude is offensive to all but the most broken of men. Which I was 8 years ago!

 

What I said was, "you'll have to get used to not being involved in my relationship with my daughters anymore. For the time being, please keep your remarks, and advice where I cannot hear them." In a firm and non confrontational tone. And then zipped it.

 

Yeah, I learned a lot about myself in this marriage.

 

#1. For all you guys thinking about Marriage, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A CLEARLY DEFINED SELECTION PROCESS AND TRUST YOURSELF ENOUGH TO STICK TO IT! I didn't, I let her lower-half put the rose colored glasses on my face. LOL!!:laugh:And she slowly crushed my self-esteem.

 

#2. Don't give away anything. If you play guitar, KEEP PLAYING, if you ride a motorcycle, KEEP RIDING!, Don't stop ANYTHING for a woman. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like you. Sorry, that's just reality

 

#3 NEVER GIVE IN, I'm not talking about compromise, I'm talking about standing up for what you hold true. Don't have your spine removed.

 

#4. Never tell a woman ANYTHING you don't want her to use against you.

 

#5. MAN UP! We are the way we are for a reason. Smart women understand that.

 

#6. Dr. Phil is wrong, Oprah, is wrong, The relationship books are wrong, basically it's all a matriarchal perspective on how to feminize men.

YAY for womens lib, but IT'S WOMEN'S LIB - Not men's incarceration.

 

When I get through the 15 to 20% drop in my standard of living without hurting my relationship with my daughters, I'll know life is good.

 

Carry on! and have a great day!

 

as always,

 

MA

[Scott S]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

When I get through the 15 to 20% drop in my standard of living without hurting my relationship with my daughters, I'll know life is good.

 

Carry on! and have a great day!

 

as always,

 

MA

 

Well, good wishes & best of luck in life, then.

 

I'm certainly lucky my wife is the woman she is!

[Leikela]

MA,

 

Good for you for focusing on all the positives from getting a divorce from your wife. I'm sorry you had to learn all of this the hard way, but most of the time that's the only way to truly learn. Think of it this way.... The next relationship you're in, you'll do it right and finally be truly HAPPY. Good for you! Best wishes to you.

[GreenCap]

MA

 

reading about your situation and your suggestions make me really think hard. My live-in gf of three years broke up with me about 3 months ago and now she is seeing someone whom she'll be marrying within the next year (so she indicates). I was and somewhat still despondent as I reflect on how I was unable to give her the happiness and be the man of her life.

 

Friends keep telling me it is better this way rather than if I had proposed (this Xmas) or married as she would have walked out on me and it would be twice as bad as I am feeling now. While I can't see the blessing in disguise yet, your posting has provided me with some lift to make sure that my heart does not get crushed again.

[MassiveAtom]

Greencap,

 

It all comes in it's own time. During that time you have to work very hard to keep your perspective POSITIVE. I can't tell you the number of nights I literally cried myself to sleep, before I stood up and said, " I'm not important to her, and that doesn't matter really. What matters is that >I'M< important to ME." When that sank in, I knew I had tapped into a deep well of reserve personal power that revved up my engine and strengthened my soul. We all have it GC. You do too.

 

Now, I really want to live my life strong. because that's the way I like it. I live like I mean it, and suffer no fools. Ironic isn't it?

 

Even though she really does sicken me right now. And that warm place that people say I'll have for her as the MOMC is as cold as a rock on Pluto. I know I will one day look at her with neutrality. The pendulum swings again.

 

As of today I think it's the last time I will consider her my wife. I'm hoping to develop a cordial collaborative colleague relationship with her in the coming months. But knowing what I do know of her emotional thug tendencies, I don't know how easy that will be. But at least it's interesting. I'll do all I can so that it works well because It's important for my kids to see adults handling conflict productively.

 

I also saw my daughter in her Holiday assembly. So Proud.

 

MA

[GreenCap]

MA

 

I want to cry myself to sleep but no tears come and I can't sleep. I have been relying on my buddies Sam Adams and Heine to help me but two hours later, I am stark awake in the middle of the night cold sweat and pain. I then reflect back on what I could have done differently so that she would have stayed and blame myself for not being the guy she wants.

 

But as you said, we have to love ourselves first before others can love us. While we were not married, in my mind we were already - I always introduce her at parties as my wife (an unofficial one) and people who don't know us always think we are married. When she left, it was like a divorce - this is mine, this is yours, this we shared how do you want to split it. It was tramatizing. We are both from away and she was my best friend, lover, family, wife, confidant etc. And I feel so lonely - we have all mutual friends which makes it hard as well. I try to avoid these friends but don't want to appear antisocial for they have done nothing wrong but being with them makes me think of her.

 

I am so glad I found this site where I can put down all my burdens and share them so that i don't have constantly carry them around. This is much better than a journal; instant interactive feedback! Thanks for the kind words, hope your daugthers see what a great dad you are!

[jangle04]

Well I'm not real familiar with your previous stories but I think I can almost relate to what you're feeling now. You can look up previous posts on me if you want as I will you. My wife moved out three weeks ago. She finally came out and confessed to me she had feelings for this guy she works with. She actually had him drop her off the next morning and drop her off up the road. That's when she told me. I have kept our two kids which are a girl seven and a boy three. I loved this woman so much and now I began to ask myself why. I felt something had been going on a while and she and him had both made a fool of me. I thought I was losing my mind. She told me I was crazy. I tried to pull closer to figure it out but she had emotionally shut me out and my feelings. She became so cold.

Over the last three weeks I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I'm weeping and the next minute I'm so ticked off and angry. I've tried to control my anger but it's hard. I've said things I probably shouldn't have. She still sees the kids a couple hours a day and got a second job to pay for her place. I get mad and wonder how someone could just do this to their family for another man. I tried everything I could to make her happy and work out any problems we may have had. She wouldn't hear it. I treated her good but yes I know nobody's perfect. It still gave her no right or justification.

 

Even after all this I was willing to try and seek counseling for us, but one minute she says she's sorry for what she did and she made a mistake and the next she says it will never work. She says she now realizes what she gave up. She's not willing to work on it though because she just can't let him go either. She had the nerve to ask me if she could have us both. I can't stand it it has driven me crazy. I've gotten to the point now where I feel like whatever love I had for her is gone now because I think I should never come second to anyone besides my kids. I hate the fact I have to see her everyday because of the kids. I know I deserve better than the love she gave me and for what she has did to me but it's hard to let go after ten years. Slowly I'm getting over it and even though she is beautiful I need to realize beauty is only skin deep. I have begun to truly despise her. I'll find somebody who will put me first and I can trust. There are millions of beautiful women out there and I'll find someone I can trust and will appreciate my love and not always be looking over my shoulder for greener pastures.

[GreenCap]

Jangle

 

I managed to read one of your previous posts where you confronted them at the bar. In other posts on no contact, some members have indicated that if you play hard to get and brush her off, she will come back for more. My question then is life is incredibly tough as every single individual has their own agenda, why then we two people are united in a bond of love, both parties have to continue to play games. It is in the comfort of your own home with the people you love most and trust that you can be yourself with no pretense.

 

So it appears, if we both are gluttons for punishment and want our exes or more specifically your wife back. We have to be just as cold and distant. Although in my case, she already indicated that she would be marrying this new bloke. too late for me on this one but hopefully, if I can trust to love again, take this experience and apply it to next relationship.

[jangle04]

I was and somewhat still despondent as I reflect on how I was unable to give her the happiness and be the man of her life.

 

 

GreenCap,

 

This is the same question I have dealt with for sometime. What makes him so much better than me have been my thoughts. I've know him and from what I've seen there is nothing. She has said she had to follow her heart but she didn't think about the consequences. She's suffering now. She's always tired and etc... I've dropped her off my insurance and she is struggling to make ends meet. It hasn't been easy on me working all day and taking care of the kids at night and getting them off to school in the mornings etc... I realize it's not me but it's her. I think she just wanted an escape from the reality of responsibilities and he was there. I think he's using her for a piece every now and then. Just take her out every now and then, call her to think he cares, and so on. Just keep a base with her without a real commitment like I gave. Hell his wife left him a few months ago. I know she's confused and just doesn't see it, but I don't think I'll ever be able to deal with it again.

 

I've tried to avoid her but that's been hard with the kids and still trying to sort the bills out. I have to talk to her on a daily basis. When I don't answer she holds the kids over my head and says I'm not letting her talk to them. She gets mad if I don't respond or answer and says it's something really important. I never know. As I've found out she is a real good liar.

 

I'm just trying to keep my mouth shut right now as hard as it is. Sometimes she just pushes my buttons and I say something mean to her. I only do this because I'm hurt. She uses that as ammo against me then and turns it around on me. It seems to be a losing situation, but in time I think I'll be ok without her. I deserve better.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by GreenCap

Jangle

 

I managed to read one of your previous posts where you confronted them at the bar. In other posts on no contact, some members have indicated that if you play hard to get and brush her off, she will come back for more. My question then is life is incredibly tough as every single individual has their own agenda, why then we two people are united in a bond of love, both parties have to continue to play games. It is in the comfort of your own home with the people you love most and trust that you can be yourself with no pretense.

 

So it appears, if we both are gluttons for punishment and want our exes or more specifically your wife back. We have to be just as cold and distant. Although in my case, she already indicated that she would be marrying this new bloke. too late for me on this one but hopefully, if I can trust to love again, take this experience and apply it to next relationship.

 

There is nothing ou can do to MAKE another person happy. Both of you guys, may I humbly suggest the wonderful works of http://www.coping.org? Do this work it is vitally important that you don't go into the next relationship "broken." Take your time. stay on the shack, but try to start thinking positive about little things. It's worth it.

 

And Dads are better dads when they're happy.

 

PLUS, Jangle why are you paying for your ex-wifes apartment? seriously, stop it.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Scott S

As the song goes, "THANK GOD AND GREYHOUND SHE'S GONE!"

 

Is that about right?

 

Too funny Scott S! (particularly when you hear it in Michael Dorn's voice like I always do when I read your posts! It becomes Klingon opera. )

[Ladyjane14]

I just skimmed through some of your previous posts, Jangle. What a crappy situation. I'm sorry to hear it.

 

Have you contacted a lawyer yet? I might have missed it.. If not, don't wait. You don't have to file for divorce to start protecting yourself and your children.

 

Consider getting into some individual counseling as well. You should set up a support system for yourself. That's a priority. You don't want to give her anymore ammo. So, find some safe way to express your feelings....NOT VENTING TO THE WS (wayward spouse).

 

Hang in there. It'll get easier with time.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm glad you're feeling better, MA.

 

You're a smart guy, and you know that the blue times will come and go for awhile. I was thinking that maybe you might put some coping strategies together while you're feeling upbeat. Just so the blues don't catch you off guard. What do you think?

[MassiveAtom]

As always LadyJane,

 

Excellent. This is the time to do it for sure!

 

I'm doing some things now that have me going for rides on my Motorcycle, playing video games, going out with my friends, meeting new friends, going on dates, fixing the house. HEY, kinda sounds like moving on! YAY ME!!

 

No seriously, I know there will be those times ahead of me, especially when I have to see my ex all the time. It's getting easier already, but I've still a little way to go. The financial routing this divorce is going to give me isn't something I'm looking forward too. It's going to take ALL my discretionary funds just to make Child support. I'm still VERY bitter about that. grumble grumble.

 

Ah well. Time to call my buddy in boston.

 

as always,

 

 

MA