LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Separation and Divorce

Husband quoting my LoveShack posts....


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 5th December 2004, 4:10 PM   #1
Established Member
 
VivianLee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Southeast
Posts: 624
Husband quoting my LoveShack posts....

I asked my husband Wednesday, if he missed me.....that seemed to have set him off. Well, he finally talked to me about his feelings .....

He was so very angry, I mean as angry as I have ever seen him. The thing is, I don't think it stems from what happened this time (talking to ex OM) but from his finding out about my affair in January. He never said anything (then) except "I know all about you and *****. At the time, my Daddy was in the hospital, fighting for his life. My husband is the type of person that doesn't communicate BUT he's also kind enough to not scream and holler at me about my affair because I was so worried and upset about my Daddy.

After my Daddy got better, the big ole ELEPHANT of my affair just sat there in the middle of the our lives without being acknowledged. Which is probably the reason why we never got "okay"....

So on Wednesday, he pretty much let out all those bottled up feelings and although he needed to desperately get those feelings out, it broke my heart AND scared the daylights out of me that he could feel such intense almost hate towards me....

The thing is, about 70% of the things he said, where true but the other 30% weren't but I couldn't get him to listen. Also, he quote a lot of things from what I'd written here which really had me hesitant to post on here anymore. That's why I waited several days. He misunderstood some things I said and others things mad him just flat out angry...

I don't hold the fact he's angry against me, I just don't know what to do or how to handle him. I feel like anything I do could provoke him or make things worse plus, after Wednesday, I feel like he's never going to want to work things out so I'm to the point of not even getting my hopes up or thinking that way. I miss him, I miss being home with them and I wish things could work out but I'm basically staying out of his way.....

Plus, I'm funny feeling about posting because he's reading so much into it and not taking anything positive from it....but it's all I have in way of advice and support plus I like it here and I have people I consider friends....so I will still post....

Dang y'all....how do we get through the holidays?
VivianLee is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th December 2004, 6:19 PM   #2
Established Member
 
EnigmaXOXO's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 2,400
Actually Vivian, I’m glad your husband is reading these posts. What a shame the members of your church aren't also aware of what a hypocrite their minister is. Personally, its people like him that have kept me away from organized religions. There's no greater blasphemy than someone who professes to be a messenger of God only as a means to hide his own vain and dishonest nature. He TOO is an adulterer who has not yet repented for his own sins…rather he avoids looking in that mirror by chastising you for yours. Posing as a representative of God will not gain him absolution until he has come to terms with his own short-comings and learned to extend forgiveness for yours.

In the end, this man's lessons will come from a higher authority. This much I guarantee you. Just watch and wait.

Meanwhile, if you are a religious woman, then look to your God for forgiveness and stop groveling at the feet of someone who is beneath you. There is evil in the world, Vivian, and unfortunately it has already gained a foothold where it can do the most damage - in our churches and in our homes. Those once safe havens where we are still the most vulnerable.

Open your eyes, Vivian, and stop following blindly. You are being guided in a different direction for a very good reason. Perhaps its time you finally stop and listen to that higher power. Put it in His hands, and all will be taken care of...
__________________
"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.” ~ Mark Twain
EnigmaXOXO is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th December 2004, 6:27 PM   #3
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: the other side of town
Posts: 978
i know it's important to be honest but what if you get a different name here that he doesn't know about to post on?

you should be entitled to say what you want here without the threat of someone taking that right away.

if it helps you to come here, by all means, do it. we all need an outlet, right?

and we should able to do so without someone else's negative reaction.

good luck.
GirlDown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th December 2004, 6:59 PM   #4
Established Member
 
VivianLee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Southeast
Posts: 624
I do agree, I think he could show me a little bit more mercy however...I can't believe I don't deserve some of this....maybe I sugar coat what I have done but let me put it this way so you can see what he has seen and is feeling....

I talked to this man from November of 2002-2004. I saw him on a few occasions from Jan 2003-Jan 2004.....during that time, so I could see the OM and talk to the OM...I lied and lied countless times to him and my daughter. I was a fraud as a minister's wife (he did repent for his cheating by the way)....then while he was in Maine with his mother dying of cancer, I was talking to the OM and seeing him some. Plus while my husband and daughter were gone to Maine during her funeral...I was talking to this guy at every opportunity. Saying intimate things to him....while my husband and daughter were experiencing devastating grief.

Then when he gets back, he is fired from a job he'd worked for 16 years because the boss claimed he didn't know where my husband was (we filed a suit and settled....it was a wrongful loss of employment) so in 5 weeks, he loses his mother, his job and then finds out I'm having an affair.

He didn't discuss much of it with me because he didn't want to upset me since my Daddy was dying.....

He then saw that I was still in contact with the OM (just via phone, I told him I'd take a lie detector test proving to him that I didn't see this man from Jan2004 till I was caught) and he was just hurt and I think he finally felt the anger and hurt concerning the first time he caught me when it was an actual affair.....

Then there's my daughter that was already having problems with me before I'd ever done anything due to the fact she's a teen, a daughter and her Daddy did a little number on her when he cheated (by speaking so negative of me)....this very day, she sweetly and calmly told me that she was so hurt at my lies. She could recall instances where I lied and tricked her. It's horrible but she can't respect or trust her own Mama.

I've hurt innocent people that no matter what they have done in the past to me, they didn't deserve to be treated this way....

Minister's aren't perfect and they all sin in different ways....he did change and I truly believe he never cheated again, we just never got our marriage straightened out from that nor did he get in touch with what we needed to stay together....in fact, I think the Devil loves nothing more than trying to tear apart a minister's family...it's like an added bonus....seems like since we've been in the ministery, he's worked overtime on us and we just weren't emotionally and spiritually equipt to take on the battle....

I am trying to turn to God, in the past, it's always been easy but since I'd been "living in sin" my prayer life dropped off and I have repented and such but I feel like He's so far away.....

It's like a horrible, horrible nightmare...I always said I'd NEVER cheat especially when I got cheated on.....

Girldown...he'd know me no matter what I changed my name to....but thanks for the suggestion....I'm going to still post.....

Last edited by VivianLee; 5th December 2004 at 7:01 PM.. Reason: forgot to address Girldown
VivianLee is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th December 2004, 7:05 PM   #5
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: the other side of town
Posts: 978
he wouldn't have to know who you were, really. that's the beauty of anonymity. unless he has some way of finding out, which is a control issue all its own.

but do what you will. as long as you are getting support, you should do what you want. maybe he gets angry because he doesn't like the truth. and that's ok. maybe it's even easier for you to be open and say things to him through this instead of to his face, which may be more difficult to do.

i wish you luck. we are all here for you, either way.
GirlDown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th December 2004, 7:11 PM   #6
Established Member
 
VivianLee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Southeast
Posts: 624
Quote:
Originally posted by GirlDown
he wouldn't have to know who you were, really. that's the beauty of anonymity. unless he has some way of finding out, which is a control issue all its own.

but do what you will. as long as you are getting support, you should do what you want. maybe he gets angry because he doesn't like the truth. and that's ok. maybe it's even easier for you to be open and say things to him through this instead of to his face, which may be more difficult to do.

i wish you luck. we are all here for you, either way.

Maybe in the long run, his reading this will help since we can't really talk right now, it's just he misunderstood one thing I posted and that was one thing that came up the other day. He misunderstood it so much that when he mentioned it to me, I didn't know what in the world he was talking about, I was like "I wasn't even thinking that, how could I have written it" but then I found it and I saw how he'd misconstrue that particular line so when he's calmed down, I'm going to talk to him...I may even address it on that thread!!

Thank you for the luck and support!! I really appreciate it!!
VivianLee is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th December 2004, 7:15 PM   #7
Established Member
 
johan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 16,606
He'd know just based on the subject matter, I'm sure. While this forum is better than venting to a friend or family member, it still is difficult to feel like it's totally safe and confidential. I've deliberately avoided mentioning specifics that could identify me or my girlfriend. But then the specifics are the things that are most helpful to discuss.

Good luck, Vivian. I couldn't read all you wrote, but I think it's positive that you are talking about stuff with him.
johan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th December 2004, 7:26 PM   #8
Established Member
 
VivianLee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Southeast
Posts: 624
Quote:
Originally posted by johan
He'd know just based on the subject matter, I'm sure. While this forum is better than venting to a friend or family member, it still is difficult to feel like it's totally safe and confidential. I've deliberately avoided mentioning specifics that could identify me or my girlfriend. But then the specifics are the things that are most helpful to discuss.

Good luck, Vivian. I couldn't read all you wrote, but I think it's positive that you are talking about stuff with him.
Oh yeah...the subject matter and my manner of writing would be a dead giveaway....I really don't have anything to lose anymore by giving specifics (but I'd recommend others NOT to) because everyone in my community, church, family and friends plus their pets, know what's going on!!
VivianLee is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th December 2004, 1:26 AM   #9
Established Member
 
MassiveAtom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Chicago
Posts: 733
IYou are the only one you can control. Your decision must be what's right for you and by the same token, everyone elses decisons must be what's right for them. The problems start when the decision are based on what's right for others.

That concept is why MY divorce is happening. My STBXW has decided what is right for her. Now it's MY own choice how to handle this. I could choose to be happy about it, that would take some therapy! Or I could choose to be angry, very easy as y'all know. It's also my chance to decide what's right for me; find Ms, Right(now), or just "kick it" fight with my wife, or cooperate. Let the negaives consume me, or find some other way to work through it.

There is a reason and clear understandability for your decption of your husband and your daughter. A lie begets a lie. Deep down, under the veil of the ministers wife, there is a true, real person. A person who has needs, wants, and dreams. No amount of church service will quiet that. When encased in the idealized dream that is so pervasive in this society, we become conformed to standards made outside ourselves. Those standards, when worked for, create visceral internal conflict. That conflict leads to deception. and then that deception begets deception.

I don't think anyone would give their partner the play-by-play during the time leading up to the illicit affair. And I certainly don't expect to ever hear, "honey, I'm off to get laid now, I'll see you in a bit!" IT makes perfect sense that you would sheild your daughter from what you were doing.

Me, I DO think infidelity in a marriage is wrong. But I also think ignoring the needs of your spouse is wrong. I think lying is wrong. but I also think Brutal honesty is wrong.

The joy in living is living within and for yourself. with deep and complete acceptance of who you really are.


time for sleepin' now.

mA
__________________
She's a Goddess. My job is to F.U.C.K. the Goddess.
--
Life is not bad. watching life slip away from you IS bad. Don't do that. -rble
--
There's nothing about that that's in good taste. - israfil

Last edited by MassiveAtom; 6th December 2004 at 1:29 AM..
MassiveAtom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th December 2004, 8:32 AM   #10
Member
 
Ladyjane14's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 5,448
Quote:
I DO think infidelity in a marriage is wrong. But I also think ignoring the needs of your spouse is wrong. I think lying is wrong. but I also think Brutal honesty is wrong.
I totally agree with this. Infidelity is more often than not a symptom of problems in the marriage, a hopelessness that is left alone to grow within it, like a cancer.

Exceptions to the rule would be serial cheaters who are so self-centered that they are unable to truly make the commitment to monagamy. You just don't qualify in that exception, Viv.

Lying is wrong too, but if you ask your spouse if 'your a$$ looks fat in these pants'......the correct answer is NO!

And if it comes to a choice about what information to give a young and forming mind on what's age appropriate for her, well........it becomes a difficult undertaking at best.

When it comes to telling lies to your spouse about an affair. Well, that's just wrong, and I think you've acknowledged that. Again and again.

Now, its' up to him to decide if he can forgive you. It ought to be a cinch considering his line of work, and the fact that he has walked-a-mile-in-your-shoes. But it's his decision. You can't make it for him.
Ladyjane14 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th December 2004, 4:47 PM   #11
Owl
Established Member
 
Owl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 12,070
Hey Viv-

Sorry to hear how things are going for you. I can imagine how hard things are right now...but you know, I'd love it if I could get my wife to read my posts on LS. She might actually start to get an understanding of what I'm feeling and going through at times.

Hang in there, and keep praying. I know what a blow to your faith something like this, especially when you feel that YOU'RE the one who made the mistake. Give it to God, and you do your best. Sometimes, its all we can do!! Drop a line sometime if you like!
__________________
"Do, or do not. There is no try." -Yoda
Owl is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Need some help with quoting JadeStar LoveShack.org Questions and Comments 5 2nd January 2006 10:57 AM
Ex-husband vs. Current Husband - How to Choose dream_searcher Infidelity 4 31st December 2005 9:21 PM
Seperated from husband, in love w/someone else, but husband cant let go daydreamn00 Separation and Divorce 2 28th June 2004 12:17 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 8:59 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.