Telling your partner you want a divorce

[contact1]

Looking for a lot of insight here, as the time will be approaching soon when I will be dropping the huge bomb of wanting to divorce. A few quick cliff notes of my situation:

 

- She is not aware of my intentions of leaving

- Leaving due to wife's narcissistic nature and being unable/unwilling to provide me any kind of emotional support

- Has refused any kind of marriage counseling, claiming any stress/problems I have are solely my problems

- We have a child together

- She also has a violent side, where she has thrown things at me in arguments, though it has been a few years since, but mostly due to me not pushing an argument further aka just letting her feel she is right

 

There's probably some other things but a lot of the details are in my previous threads. My biggest concern is her reaction, as it would be devastating news to anyone not expecting it. A part of me feel like packing up all my things up and having them moved, and then telling her, because she may very well go on a rampage and start destroying / throwing things.

 

I don't want to just pack up and bail, leaving a note (though I would be lying if the thought hadn't crossed my mind several times ), it is something I feel should be done in person. And than there comes the where, do I tell her at our current home? In a public place where she may not go so crazy? I just don't know how to approach this.

 

What I do know, post telling her, I can reside at a very close friend's place while going through the whole process, and as for our child, we both have parents close by that can help with watching him when needed, if say it turns into she has him one week and I than have him another week.

 

Any insights and also tales of others that have gone through this would be very helpful, thank you.

Edited February 21, 2015 by contact1
typos

[contact1]

No one?? I know for sure there have been people that had to have gone through this process, all the breakups in here couldn't have all been due to infidelity

 

 

And no, no one for either side is seeing someone else before anyone asks

[whichwayisup]

I think you should move any important documents, or items that are sentimental to you (pack up and bring to your parents) and then get your parents to take your child for the weekend when you tell your wife you want a divorce. This is for your child's protection, so she/he won't get exposed to the reaction and fall out.

 

Your wife must know this is coming, I doubt it'll be a huge shock to her unless she's in total denial.

[Mr. Lucky]

Have you given her an ultimatum with regards to MC? Might kill two birds with one stone, as in "I've made an appointment for this Thursday night and we will go or I will move out and file for divorce". Any action is then a result of her choice...

 

Mr. Lucky

[badpenny]

I agree with clearing the most vital paperwork and documents out of the house, and keeping them safe: And we're talking passport, Birth Certificate, wage slips, tax documents, official bank, financial, legal.... anything you can.

And getting your child out of the way is a really important thing, but I would also do it somewhere neutral, out of the home, or certainly with a witness present.

 

Less likely to have a huge scene to deal with....

 

Have the papers made up and ready, and just hand them to her.

Advise she get a lawyer, get up, and leave.

 

That's really all that needs doing there and then.

[contact1]

I think you should move any important documents, or items that are sentimental to you (pack up and bring to your parents) and then get your parents to take your child for the weekend when you tell your wife you want a divorce. This is for your child's protection, so she/he won't get exposed to the reaction and fall out.

 

Your wife must know this is coming, I doubt it'll be a huge shock to her unless she's in total denial.

 

I agree with this and it had already crossed my mind. I would have to pack what I really need ahead of time. The bigger dilema I am trying to figure out, is our child. As it stands, he is not allowed to be over with my parents due to my wife and my parent having had bitter arguements, thus she refuses to have him there.

 

I may have to take him over while she is at work, along with my stuff, and than inform her of my decision. Or take a day off myself while he is in daycare, that may be better, so that her anger doesnt build further in that moment.

[contact1]

Have you given her an ultimatum with regards to MC? Might kill two birds with one stone, as in "I've made an appointment for this Thursday night and we will go or I will move out and file for divorce". Any action is then a result of her choice...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I haven't given her an ultimatum but in our arguments over the MC I had brought up that if we didn't work through this together it could lead to the end of our marriage, it didn't phase her. Honestly at this time I am done trying, I have already come to terms that the marriage does have to come to an end, and I have been in therapy myself for my own sanity.

[contact1]

I agree with clearing the most vital paperwork and documents out of the house, and keeping them safe: And we're talking passport, Birth Certificate, wage slips, tax documents, official bank, financial, legal.... anything you can.

And getting your child out of the way is a really important thing, but I would also do it somewhere neutral, out of the home, or certainly with a witness present.

 

Less likely to have a huge scene to deal with....

 

Have the papers made up and ready, and just hand them to her.

Advise she get a lawyer, get up, and leave.

 

That's really all that needs doing there and then.

 

While I get the logic of just handing her the papers and up and leaving, it is very heartless and extremely likely to lead to a much bigger nightmare of a divorce than what it should be. I still care about her as a person, and she is the mother of my child, she will still be in my life due to that very fact. My goal is to try to make the divorce as amblical as possible because we have a child.

 

There is no doubt in me that I do want a divorce however, I can not see myself being in this marriage due to everything that has happened and how she is as an individual. I read a lot of different articles online to see different ways of breaking the news, and just about all of them went along the lines of doing so in a setting with no interruptions, calmly, and with no mal intent. It isn't a time to point finger or to lash back, regardless of the other person's reaction. It is to inform them and being firm of what you are saying, that you really mean what you are saying.

 

I am already anticipating any number of reactions, be it shock, sorrow, and especially anger. I know she will verbally assualt me, and try to argue why I am doing this and why it is wrong, but I will not give in and simply repeat that it is over. If things do get physical where she starts throwing things at me, I will either remove myself and if things do get very extreme, I will have a phone besides me to quickly dial the police.

Edited February 22, 2015 by contact1
silly typos

[whichwayisup]

I agree with this and it had already crossed my mind. I would have to pack what I really need ahead of time. The bigger dilema I am trying to figure out, is our child. As it stands, he is not allowed to be over with my parents due to my wife and my parent having had bitter arguements, thus she refuses to have him there.

 

I may have to take him over while she is at work, along with my stuff, and than inform her of my decision. Or take a day off myself while he is in daycare, that may be better, so that her anger doesnt build further in that moment.

 

Your wife should not be inteferring in a relationship between grandparents and grandchild!!! How selfish of her. It's one thing for HER not to want anything to do with your parents but it's another for her to refuse your parents access to their grandchild!

 

Then if you have a sibling or a family friend who can take your child for a weekend? Sleepover?

[JADIE]

You could do it the way my chickensh*t ex-husband did the first time he went home to mommy on me...just wait til she goes away for a week to visit family, then quickly remove all your belongings and some of hers into a new apartment and have her served with papers upon her return. She'll definitely get the point.

 

Seriously. That happened. And being the idiot that I am, I took him back. The second time he pulled it was the last...he tried to come back and I said Nice try but NO.

 

Have you discussed this with a therapist first? While dropping a bomb like this generally shouldn't be done with 3rd parties present, I wonder if it wouldn't be safer to do with someone neutral (therapist, mediator, pastor?) present if you think she'll explode...

Good luck..

[oldshirt]

Is your mind made up to divorce regardless of what she does or says?

 

 

If so, don't give any false hopes or make it seem like there is a chance for reconciliation.

 

 

It's one thing to try to break it to someone compassionately but in the long run it makes it harder on them to imply any false hopes that don't really exist.

 

 

There is no way to present this and she will likely be mad and find fault with it no matter how you do it.

 

 

Marriage counselors do deal with dissolutions of marriage just as much as they deal with trying to save marriages so you may want to consider consulting a marriage counselor as an individual and explain everything to him/her and have that person recommend a method of breaking it to her that will likely result in the least amount of anger and possibility of violence or re taliation.

[contact1]

Your wife should not be inteferring in a relationship between grandparents and grandchild!!! How selfish of her. It's one thing for HER not to want anything to do with your parents but it's another for her to refuse your parents access to their grandchild!

 

Then if you have a sibling or a family friend who can take your child for a weekend? Sleepover?

 

Oh I agree completely, and the issue with my parents and her could easily make several threads in trying to explain the whole mess of what that was.

 

The only other person that would be capable of watching our child would me my mother in law, and as it stands, she tries to avoid it as much as possible. Plus I would just not go that route. He goes to daycare, so I can time it to where he is there if I take a day off of work and be able to tell her my plans for divorce.

 

We don't have the typical "weekends" given our line of work, we have days off differently every week, so the daycare method seems to be the best option in this situation.

[contact1]

Is your mind made up to divorce regardless of what she does or says?

 

 

If so, don't give any false hopes or make it seem like there is a chance for reconciliation.

 

 

It's one thing to try to break it to someone compassionately but in the long run it makes it harder on them to imply any false hopes that don't really exist.

 

 

There is no way to present this and she will likely be mad and find fault with it no matter how you do it.

 

 

Marriage counselors do deal with dissolutions of marriage just as much as they deal with trying to save marriages so you may want to consider consulting a marriage counselor as an individual and explain everything to him/her and have that person recommend a method of breaking it to her that will likely result in the least amount of anger and possibility of violence or re taliation.

 

Yes my mind is already made up on the matter. I am pass the phase of trying anymore, despite what she may say. And yes, my intent isn't to give false hope, it is to be clear while trying to do as much damage control as possible.

 

I like your recommendation of going to a marriage counselor for methods of addressing this, I will have to set up another appointment and do just that, thanks!