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I've been divorced from a woman with BDP disorder now for 7 months. I had a negative interaction with her yesterday. We have a daughter together so I can't cut the cord totally.

 

She was a user, rotten and is just out for herself.

 

I'm having obessive thoughts about her. I go from hating her so much to having fear about the loss of her. I go to sleep thinking about her and wake up thinking about her. Planning my next interaction with her, it feels so horrible. Really wish it was easier to shake her and move on.

 

I've been told that when your are an extreme caregiver, that you have a different kind of bond when with a person that is mentally ill. I know this is a process and I truely in my heart know I can never get anything out of a relationship with her. But I keep putting my energy toward her. Either thoughts of anger to what happened to me and my children or fear of loss and her having a relationship with someone else.

 

I was having PTSD for a few months and could not sleep for a long time. I went through a major depression after she left and was really sad. I feel like I've come through that stronger but still have her in my thoughts.

 

I know there is something chemical happening in my brain and I wish it would be over.

 

I'm doing everything right and wish I didn't give a **** about her in anyway. The relationship did matter to me and that is why I feel so bad about it.

 

I feel this way when I start getting lonely. Other times I feel pretty good, or feeling better. Just wish I would stop thinking about her.

 

Just tell me it's gonna be ok.

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It's gonna be okay.

 

Just detach from her except for dealings regarding your daughter. Think about how nasty she was to your sons and realise that a good person does not do those things. It was abusive and she is abusive.

 

You need to tell yourself over and over again that there is life after divorce. I know when you have kids together it is harder to totally cut the person out of your lif, but try and invest in YOU. Do things for yourself to take your mind off her. New hobby, new sport or a real life support group where you can make new friends.

 

You deserve better , you can get better once you are in the right frame of mind. Don't ever allow a woman (or man ) treat your kids so badly. No more mr. Nice guy is a book that you may find interesting.

 

JM it will be okay.

 

It's a shame you didn't document her abuse as that could help further down the line.

 

Also the breastfeeding of a 6 year old is crazy, but she's not the only person to do it for that long. I just don't understand it, as a mother who nursed for 6 months.

Have you thought about taking your daughter to IC?

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Thanks!

 

I have gotten my two sons into IC while where going through the divorce and that was very helpful and a big push to follow through on the divorce. I could see how badly see had effected my boy with her tantrems and screaming.

 

I may have to get Eliza my daughter into IC also. She is so precious and my Ex is either doing it to keep her breasts bigger or some weird intimacy thing.

 

It just sucks because my daughter feels shame about it, and my therapist thought she would stop because she was living in two houses.

 

It's like my ex is forcing her to breast feed. Making no attempts to stop. Hard to prove and validate. But my daughter says its going on and I don't want her to feel bad. She is gonna be 7?

 

I'll check out the book and try to reframe my mind that there is life after divorce.

 

Thanks again.

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I've been divorced from a woman with BDP disorder now for 7 months. I had a negative interaction with her yesterday. We have a daughter together so I can't cut the cord totally.

 

She was a user, rotten and is just out for herself.

 

I'm having obessive thoughts about her. I go from hating her so much to having fear about the loss of her. I go to sleep thinking about her and wake up thinking about her. Planning my next interaction with her, it feels so horrible. Really wish it was easier to shake her and move on.

 

I've been told that when your are an extreme caregiver, that you have a different kind of bond when with a person that is mentally ill. I know this is a process and I truely in my heart know I can never get anything out of a relationship with her. But I keep putting my energy toward her. Either thoughts of anger to what happened to me and my children or fear of loss and her having a relationship with someone else.

 

I was having PTSD for a few months and could not sleep for a long time. I went through a major depression after she left and was really sad. I feel like I've come through that stronger but still have her in my thoughts.

 

I know there is something chemical happening in my brain and I wish it would be over.

 

I'm doing everything right and wish I didn't give a **** about her in anyway. The relationship did matter to me and that is why I feel so bad about it.

 

I feel this way when I start getting lonely. Other times I feel pretty good, or feeling better. Just wish I would stop thinking about her.

 

Just tell me it's gonna be ok.

 

IT'S GONNA BE OK.

 

I just posted my own Reader's Digest version of my upcoming divorce, so you can read it if you like. But, in short, my soon to be ex wife also has BPD. And based on some of what you say about yourself, it sounds like you may be co-dependent. I certainly was/am. There is an organization you may find useful/helpful called Codependents Anonymous: Home - CoDA.org

 

Of course the relationship mattered to you. She was your wife and you loved her! But she was/is truly BPD, then she has an illness that cannot be controlled by you. There is nothing you can do about it. It doesn't make her treatment of you (past or present) any less painful ... but I have found that I am able to make some peace with the fact that it is a mental illness of which I have no control. I can only control how I react to it.

 

You describe yourself as having been a "caregiver" for your ex. I was the same - made all her appointments for her, called everyone when she was late, picked up her prescriptions, etc. But I know understand that I wasn't a "caregiver" - I was an ENABLER. I wonder if this is how you might want to look at your own situation? I have found that doing so has helped me grow as a MAN because it has forced me to own my own role in the relationship. I drew boundaries ... and then allowed them to be crossed. I said no to things that we couldn't afford ... and then gave in when she threatened divorce. On and on and on. So, that's just some food for thought.

 

My only other piece of advice would be to see a therapist who may be able to prescribe some anti-anxiety medication for you. Perhaps some low-dose Xanax or Clonopin or something else. If you are feeling that there is a chemical imbalance in your brain, then a trained professional can certainly help you rectify that.

 

Hoping you start to feel better soon, and feel free to message me if you like. I have found that comparing notes with others who have been in relationships with people that had BPD has been enormously helpful.

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