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Unfaithful Wife is angry?


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I'll keep the story short. Approximately two months ago, I discoverd my wife of 20+ was having an affair. Once confronted, she became very angry. She has declined to stop the affair despite my offer to try and solve some of our martial issues.

 

I have accepted the fact that our marriage is over and am prepared for our impending divorce. We had several conversations regarding the split of our assets and had come to an agreement (she will receive everything she asked for).

 

My question is, why is she still ANGRY? And i mean ANGRY! Our relationship was good (could have been better), she's continuing her affair and will be given an agreeable settlement during the divorce.

 

Thank you for any advice given.

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Juggler57,

 

The real question is why do you care. Just ignore her. She is probably attempting to use it to deflect some of her guilt.

 

I am in a very similar situation and timeline. I ignore her guilt, anger, whatever she is expressing. Not my problem anymore.

 

It is good that you are being fair with the settlement but don't be overly generous. Just do the split according to the law and move forward.

 

How are you doing? Are you sleeping, eating ok? Work on healing yourself.

 

Good luck, you have joined a very large club of husbands whose mid life wife's have cheated and are headed out of the marriage.

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Deep down, she knows what she's doing is wrong. Therefore, she has to demonize you in her mind to stop her from feeling so guilty about it.

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All,

 

Thanks for the responses.

 

Chew-initially I experienced all the emotions and didn't sleep or eat well. I have come to accept the situation an am prepared to move on.

 

I ask not because I care. I asked to satisfy my curiosity. I have asked her and she stated she does not want to discuss her emotional state. I get that and decided to ask on this forum.

 

This site helped my tremendously during the first month. I can't tell you how much!

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She has to be angry at you because otherwise she would have to be angry at herself and accept the fact she cheated. She even blames you for her cheating.

 

Even the weather is your fault. Don't argue with her. Don't stoop to her level. Attend to yourself and your needs. Be nice to yourself. She won't be.

 

It is NOT all your fault no matter what, but she will think and say it is. The reflection in the mirror is too scary for her.

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My question is, why is she still ANGRY? And i mean ANGRY!

 

It's just an exit strategy.

 

You have to love someone to put up with their faults. Conversely, you need to create a reason - anger in her case - to walk away from their virtues. It's a process the cheating spouse goes through, just as the "left behind" spouse has to realize the anger isn't about them.

 

Seems like you already understand :) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Just an update:

 

Our adult child called her out. Won't be specific but basically said the situation was/is her fault and she should own up to it. There's still some anger, but she has stopped preparing for our divorce (i.e. packing up the house).

 

Funny, after 20+ years of marriage, I still haven't figured this women out.

 

Thanks for letting me vent!

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thefooloftheyear

I see this a lot, OP....And if you hang around here enough, you will see it as well..

 

Seems like when women cheat, they rationalize it by directing anger at the guy...Its like they say..."look at what you made me do, you SOB!!"...,.Guys on the other hand seem to shoulder a lot of guilt and remorse and internalize it...

 

Just an observation...

 

TFY

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Deep down, she knows what she's doing is wrong. Therefore, she has to demonize you in her mind to stop her from feeling so guilty about it.

 

i think this is it.

 

------

I just find it ****ed up that a cheating partner is entitled to assets (and win more than enough). If you are unhappy with your marriage, divorce each other, get your fair share and go live happy with someone else. But once you cheat you give up on whatever you and your partner have build so far and the only thing that u should get is a kick up your ass for throwing your marriage away.

 

That should set an example for other cheating people out there...maybe next century

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Juggler57,

 

Just curious, are you doing anything different since she stopped packing the house?

 

Your first post sounded like you had made up your mind that it is over.

Are you considering taking her back if she has a change of heart?

 

Note I am in a similar situation, 20 plus year marriage, wife having an affair and won't stop. I am proceeding with the divorce and will not go back. Not that I have been offered the option.

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Justanaverageguy
I see this a lot, OP....And if you hang around here enough, you will see it as well..

 

Seems like when women cheat, they rationalize it by directing anger at the guy...Its like they say..."look at what you made me do, you SOB!!"...,.Guys on the other hand seem to shoulder a lot of guilt and remorse and internalize it...

 

Just an observation...

 

TFY

 

Most people whether they consciously realize it or not have very different views on the reasons why men and women cheat and as a result the reaction of the two sexes when caught is usually different. There is a perception that men cheat because its in their nature. In their biological code to want more then one partner .... the urge to spread their seed. They essentially cheat just for sex and are almost seen as a dumb dog who had no control over their sexual urges. As a result, normally when Men are caught they admit it was their fault and they justify it by saying they were weak and gave into their sexual urges.

 

There is a completely different (and wrong) cultural perception that this same "urge" for multiple partners doesn't exist for women. Society has put women on a pedestal of virtue and spreads the idea that women are "naturally monogamous" and they should only want one partner and marriage and long term commitment. As a result of this completely absurd double standard most women raised in western society have what I like to call the "good girl" complex. They have been raised their entire life to believe they need to be a "good girl". Told their virginity is sacred, they should want marriage, children a family. Raised to believe that women who have sex freely or cheat are horrible and for their entire life looked down at those woman who did and professed it was something they would never do. Women who cheat and give easy sex are sluts .... women who don't are good girls.

 

Now that they find themselves in the position of the cheater most women can't come to terms with what they have done. They can't accept that they gave into their sexual urges as that and the idea of cheating goes so completely against their own self-image as a good girl. Instead they look for external reasons and justification and 99% of the time that ends up with them blaming their partner. They only cheated because of things that their partner did wrong or was not providing in the relationship. She cheated for "emotional" reasons - how many times have you heard that. This allows them to hold onto some of their good girl ideal and project their guilt and blame for their actions onto you. As a result the woman who cheats and gets caught holds a lot of anger and resentment for her partner who they often view as the cause.

 

So not only you do you have the indignity of having your partner cheat on you - you also get the added pain of having them blame you for it. Isn't that a nice little bonus!

Edited by Justanaverageguy
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like other posted shes upset because she needs to channel her anger, shes upset at you, the other guy will also blame you, everyone will be your fault in her eyes.

 

 

ignore her, realize that its not your fault, if anything its a 50/50 split fault between things you may have done in the past and her.

 

 

recognize what you did and learn to accept it, its hard, 20 yrs is a long time, something similar happened to me but I had 13 yrs, it hurts man.

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All,

 

Thanks for the responses and support. I have acknowledged my own "failings" and accepted my contribution. My failings did not include stepping outside the marriage.

 

Chew- initially, I was shocked and hurt. Given that, I tried everything to hold onto whatever I could. Reading these boards has allowed me to realize that is the normal response. More recently, I engage her in conversation regarding our divorcee and nothing else. I don't think her coming back or me taking her back is an option. I truly do not believe she realizes what she has done and is continuing to do. She has destroyed her relationship with her daughter (which is VERY unfortunate).

 

Her anger subsided to the point of us having a good divorce conversation ending with her asking for a hug. I don't know if it was a goodbye hug or to see if something was still there.

 

I'll say it again...I'll probably never figure the women out!

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She's angry because she didn't get what she wants.

 

Selfish people use to see only themself and not anybody else. So the fact that you also have some loss in the equasion doesn't count in her eyes.

 

She sees only her own loss. She lost support from your children. She lost comfortable warm and homey place to live in, and because you wouldn't agree to adopt the situation of her having an affair yet to stay, she lost the utopian life - a husband and a lover simultaneously, so it's your fault...

 

If she's not stupid she understands she can't complain, and also you gave her everything she asked, so you're very irritating... You don't even give her the chance to blame you in public. It's very frustrating.

 

She can't stand not being the good guy...

 

That's why she's angry. Because you're nice. and everyone think you're nice.

Edited by lolablue17
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Anger is an emotion it does not necessarily need to have a logical cause. Maybe she is angry not at you, but at the situation of having been found out. Maybe she wanted the situation to persist. A hubby to have when she grows old and an affait in between.

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