I'm doing OK. kids doing OK. Ex wife not doing OK

[Aargh]

I left my wife 4 weeks ago. kids have been amazingly resilient and are seeming ok. I am ok most of the time but the wife very obviously isn't ok and is struggling because of my actions. I feel terrible. i feel guilty. But I absolutely will not consider changing my decision because of this.

Nevertheless the thought of her alone, not sleeping and upset because of me is very difficult to deal with. She does not have a huge support network and is alone in the family home surrounded by memories...

Does anyone have nay experience / advice..? please?

[GirlStillStrong]

Yes, I have plenty of experience but from her side, not yours. Here's my take:

-If she doesn't have a strong support network, she needs to build one. You do this by reaching out and talking to other people, preferably other women, or a therapist, or a support group.

-Most women will be alone at some point in their lives. Women live longer than men. So, she will need to practice this sooner or later.

-She has choices. She's a grown woman and can choose to stay in her house surrounded by depressing memories or she can pull herself up by her bootstraps, go out, and get away from the house.

-Guilt never got anybody anywhere. Nor does blame. Nor does pity. I advise strongly against them. Compassion is fine. Acceptance is fine. Love is fine. But not the other three.

-She will find her way. She birthed children, didn't she? She's stronger than either of you know. She just needs to find that strength. She needs to know this is not her fault, this is not because she is defective or failed in some way. This happens by you taking responsibility for the part you played. Not ALL of it, but your part.

[Ronni_W]

Nevertheless the thought of her alone, not sleeping and upset because of me is very difficult to deal with.

She is NOT suffering because of you. Her suffering is coming from her own fear and doubt in her own ability/capacity to create a new and full life for herself. It's an inner 'thing'. Her own lack of confidence in her self.

 

It started with her own experience of her own marriage ending, but it is still her own stuff.

 

As GirlStillStrong said, your ex is an adult and ultimately responsible for her own happiness, health, growth, fulfillment. Don't take those things on as your own, because they're not.

 

For your ex, yes, it still is early days. Even so, your best support may well be to NOT let her dump on you about her new sleep patterns and whatever else coping problems she may be facing. You need to be strong in being firm that she now needs to take that kind of stuff somewhere else, because it is no longer your 'department' or desire to know about. (Don't let your own (undeserved) guilt cause you to actually block/restrict her from growing stronger, sooner.)

 

Hugs and best.

[whichwayisup]

I left my wife 4 weeks ago. kids have been amazingly resilient and are seeming ok. I am ok most of the time but the wife very obviously isn't ok and is struggling because of my actions. I feel terrible. i feel guilty. But I absolutely will not consider changing my decision because of this.

Nevertheless the thought of her alone, not sleeping and upset because of me is very difficult to deal with. She does not have a huge support network and is alone in the family home surrounded by memories...

Does anyone have nay experience / advice..? please?

 

Did your wife know about your affair? Is the OW still in the picture? If so, please, keep her away from your kids for a long long time, like over a year.

 

Do you and your wife have joint custody of the kids? Encourage her to seek some counseling to help her cope with all the changes. Does she have any family, siblings or close friends that can come be with her when she's feeling alone?

[Aargh]

thank you everyone

whichwayisup -for the record the affair ended some time ago and the OW is totally out of the picture.

the wifes family are overseas in Germany unfortunately. She does have some friends and I know that people have been very kind to her.

I understand that she really doesn't need my guilt/pity/blame and that these are ultimately destructive but i cannot get past this point right now. She is hurting so bad because I left her. Regardless of the fact that our marriage was how it was because of both of us, I know that she wanted to keep trying and it was my actions that brought it to a head and caused so much pain to so many people.

[Hardgrind]

Aargh,

 

 

I am in the opposite situation. I am the BH and it is my STBXW who had the affair and dropped out of our marriage. We do not have children, which simplifies things.

 

 

I did a quick scan of your posts, but didn't see the answer to this question. Does your wife know about the affair. If not if you really want to help her heal, tell her about it. I went through four months of hell in our marriage trying to understand why may wife suddenly was hypercritical of me and always angry at me. The answer was very simple...she was shifting blame for her decision to pursue her affair on me and I was trying to put together a logical picture of reality while missing critical pieces of information.

 

 

So if you want to help her give her the information she needs to understand what happened to her marriage.

[Aargh]

Thankyou Hardgrind

I have considered telling her and I understand how it helped your situation and also your reasoning and how it would help my wife heal.

However the affair was a symptom not the cause of our unhappiness. It is also in the past. Through MC we have come to clarity on what the real problem was and bringing up an affair would only add to her pain.

[Striver]

Thankyou Hardgrind

I have considered telling her and I understand how it helped your situation and also your reasoning and how it would help my wife heal.

However the affair was a symptom not the cause of our unhappiness. It is also in the past. Through MC we have come to clarity on what the real problem was and bringing up an affair would only add to her pain.

 

MC that omits an affair is not honest MC. You are not being honest with yourself or your wife.

[chew123]

Tell her about the affair. Then she will be better able to move on. If my wife had not told me I would be stuck. Since she told me it has been much easier to realize it is definitely over and I have accepted it. I would not have accepted it without the affair.

 

You say marriage counseling exposed the real reasons. While your marriage may have other reasons for failing , the affair is probably what killed it once and for all. Maybe even for the best.

[Richiebuoy]

I find myself in the position of your wife. My wife left me and went to live with her parents so there were no reminders of me and she was with the two closest people in the world to her.

 

I on the other hand was left home alone in a house full of reminders of her. Our house then became for me, the loneliest place in the world. I couldn't cope with this at all and so went and spent a few nights in a hotel, this was much better but of course unsustainable and so I went home and oddly enough I got through the first weeks with support from my wife, a few texts and some calls from her made it easier, non of her texts or calls gave any hint of a reconciliation, they were just friendly and supportive.

 

Now I know there will be folk here that will say that those friendly texts and calls simply dragged the pain out but for me it helped, I can only say what I feel.