Bitter and angry....and stupid, too.

[b52srock]

Well, its been a while since I've posted. Mainly because I've been trying to settle into a new job, wrangle a teenager and a pre-teen and their hectic schedules.

 

I will admit I have been blind. All the signs were there that the mate was having an affair, but I never in my wildest dreams imagined it would turn out to be the woman it is. Its a person I considered a friend. A woman who went through her own divorce less than a year ago. People were spreading rumors when her marriage ended that it was because she and my husband were having an affair. I stood up to countless people in this town and said there was no way it was true. I had this woman in my home on New Year's Eve. I've had lunch with her at busy restaurants (small town) so that people could see that I didn't believe there was really an affair going on.

 

Boy, was I a fool. Just yesterday I was finally told by a very dear friend whom I trust implicitly, that my husband was seen leaving the other woman's apartment at six AM to run across the street to the firehall when the siren blew (he's a fireman). He has been seen sneaking down her alley late at night and early in the morning. His fire department pager was found in her yard and turned in to the chief. People were afraid to tell me these things because they didn't know how to handle it.

 

I calmly told him this morning what I knew and he admitted that it was all true. We will be having a talk on Friday night since both kids will be gone to decide what we are going to do. He was absolutely devestated that he'd been caught, and truly sounded sorry. Of course, this was all over the phone, so until I see him face to face I'm not going to know whether he is legitimately sorry or not.

 

What I'd really like to do is go over to the other woman's office (they work for the same company, she's in the office, he does outside sales) and slap a picture of our children on her desk and tell her that it doesn't really matter that she's been f***ing my husband, but that I hope the eyes of my children haunt her the next time she's f***ing their father.

 

Yes....I'm bitter tonight.

[utwonderwoman]

First of all, let me say that I am so sorry that you are going through all this pain. I have been cheated on and it is the most disgusting emotional and physical feelings that one person should never have to endure.

 

I contacted the other woman and basically told her that I hoped that someday she would fall so deeply in love with the man of her dreams. And I hoped some stupid trollop would come along and bring her world crashing around her just like she had done mine. She new of my relationship with this man and did it anyway. I am a firm believer in love curses

 

I honestly think you should do this going to her office thing. She should see the effect that her carelessness has had on everyone's lives involved. People do not act responsibly anymore except for their own stupid needs.

 

Good luck, and please spend as much time with people who will be willing to remind you of how wonderful you are.

[april]

People do not act responsibly anymore except for their own stupid needs.

 

Oh my gosh, is this ever RIGHT ON!

 

Low-life, bottom-feeders need to be held accountable for their actions...do what is nessesary...really, DO IT!

[b52srock]

I did it. I've done what every woman in the world has said they wanted to do.

 

I went over to her office and slapped the picture of my children on her desk, got right in her face and told her I hope their faces haunt her the next time she's f***ing their father. Then slammed the door as I left. Didn't give her time to say anything. I could not believe she actually had the nerve to look up when I walked in and give me the cute-sy routine of "HI! How are you?"

 

Needless to say the second I slammed the door she was on the phone to H to tell him I'd been there. And honestly, I didn't give a rat's ass what he thought of it.

 

I called in sick to work on Friday (after doing this on Thursday) and called H and told him to get over to the house. It was definitely not a good day. I was literally, physically sick just thinking about what they'd done. I gave him the 9th degree on what they'd done, how long had it been going on, etc., etc....

 

Until I pointed it out to him, I really don't think he realized how deeply he's stepped in sh** with a large number of people outside just the children and I with what he's done. The OW's mother is one of my dearest friends, we're in a ladies organization together. So, that affects not only the friendship between the mother and I, but my "sisters" are behind me 100%. The OW's father is on the fire department with H. So that is going to cause irreperable damage to H's position with the department (he's a past chief for godssake!). Not that those guys didn't already have a pretty good idea what was going on. As a matter of fact, several have now come forward with information for me now that they know I know, you know? And to top it all off, the OW's brothers are firemen on a department in another town and they have always had the utmost respect for H, both as a fireman and as a person. So he's shot himself in the foot with another department. That is going to be the most damaging to him. Firemen talk. Firemen know right from wrong. And his job is to sell fire equipment, so it won't take long before word gets around, which could seriously damage his prospects with his employer, too.

 

Now you're all going to think I'm nuts, but I truly do love this man. I have since the first time I laid eyes on him at 18. I've told him that while I know it will take a very, very long time to get past this, that if he wants to work things out I would be willing to try. WITH STIPULATIONS! First of all, he has to break it off with the OW immediately. Second, he has to quit his job because I do not want him anywhere around the backstabbing whore. (he already has other prospects he had been looking into anyway) And we are going to have to go to counselling. First time he finds himself too busy to go, then its over. And if he doesn't want to move back into the house right away, he will have to find another apartment since the OW moved into the apartment right next to his just two weeks ago (how freaking convenient was that?).

 

I honestly don't know if I can do it, and I'm really not sure its the right thing to do. I don't know if I can ever forgive him. Then there are moments when I remember how much I love him, and want to try everything I can for us to make things work.

 

Lord, I feel like I'm schitzo!

[ready2moveon26]

You did great! You said what you had to say and did what you had to do...I say...GOOD JOB! You sound like a very strong woman who know what you want and won't quit until you get it...YOU ROCK!

[netrie]

Very highly emotional situation that you are in and will BE IN for a very long time. I suggest that you get into the counseling right away with or without your husband. This is a very tough road for you right now. Get loads of support and buckle your seatbelt...

[izzybelle]

b52,

 

yes, i'm sure you did what many women in your position would have loved to do. and i'm sure it took a lot of courage and strength to be able to do it.

 

i do hope that it doesn't come back to haunt you. the problem with revenge is that it very rarely has the final result that we hope for. while confronting the OW and making her realize, or think about, what she's doing to your family makes sense, it sounds like you hoped to do some damage to your H's reputation, as well.

 

what concerns me is that you said ...

 

he's shot himself in the foot with another department. That is going to be the most damaging to him. Firemen talk. Firemen know right from wrong. And his job is to sell fire equipment, so it won't take long before word gets around, which could seriously damage his prospects with his employer, too.

 

will this damage his ability to earn money and provide for you and your kids whether you're together or not? i don't know how old your kids are and what kind of town/city you live in but, i also hope that what's happened won't have a negative impact on your children, as well. people talk, and kids hear and sometimes they can be pretty cruel to each other.

 

as netrie said, i hope you get into counseling. you, rightly so, have a lot of anger towards him and his OW. and while justified the last thing you want is for that anger to ultimately cause more problems for you and your children. what's done is done, both what he's done to you and what you did to the OW. don't let the anger rule your life and cause further damage to you and your kids. counseling will hopefully help you to deal with that and either repair your marriage or move on. actions, like the one you took, make us feel better short term, but try to think "long term" about the situation. how can you make things ultimately better for you and your kids? i know you say that you still love him and have given him "stipulations" for his coming back. and yes, there would definitely need to be conditions that would allow you both to repair your marriage. just please, for your sake, and the sake of your children, be careful not to make a situation that is already bad worse for you and your kids in the long run.

 

take care.

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by ready2moveon26

You did great! You said what you had to say and did what you had to do...I say...GOOD JOB! You sound like a very strong woman who know what you want and won't quit until you get it...YOU ROCK!

 

I agree.

 

I know what Izzybelle is saying, but this woman was your friend not just some nameless, faceless stranger. You've had a double betrayal here. Also sometimes people need to learn that there are consequences for their actions. As for the kids, well it was your husband that had the affair & wasn't thinking of their best interests while doing so. You pointing out to this woman that you now know about her & your husband doesn't change that fact.

 

I didn't get the impression from your posts that you were intentionally going about making things difficult for your husband at work. Rather you were pointing out that in a small town & in a close knit environment like a fire department, rumours go around & there are consequences. As adults your husband & his OW had to have been aware of that.

 

It is possible for couples to get through this. When I was a young pre-teen I experienced my parents go through it. Hell, I even knew my mother's boyfriend - he used to take me fishing! Anyway, my parents seperated for a time but got back together & ironically ended up more in love & a happier couple for it, despite all the drama & heartache.

 

Whatever your outcome you have my best wishes.

[izzybelle]

blue,

yes you're right. they need to be held accountable for their actions and yes, he is responsible for not putting his family's best interest first, and yes, he and his OW are the ones here who are in the wrong.

 

my point is, that while all this is true, there's no need to make the situation worse. i'm not saying that b52 should just roll over and play dead, she has every right to stand up for herself and do what she needs to do. i watched a friend of mine live through her father's infidelity when we were in high school. it was hard enough for her, as it was, but the fact that we lived in a small town where everyone knew everyone else's business made things so much harder for her. people would be "talking" in the halls at school and abruptly stop when she approached. people avoided her because they just didn't know what to say.

 

and yes, her father, as in this case was at "fault", he had brought it on himself and his family. but the "talk around town," and her mother's actions (not as drastic as b52s but still, she made it known publically what had happened) made things worse for her for a while. i know she confided to me that she wished it had been kept quiet. she hated the fact that everyone knew. she hated the fact that people looked at her with "pity" and for those who had the courage to say anything, she hated the fact that people would come up to her and say "i'm really sorry about what your father did." she knew that her father needed to live with the shame that he had caused, but i do believe she resented the fact that everyone knew and thus, she had to publically live with the "shame" as well. and i know it's easy to say that her father brought this on her and the rest of her family, and he did. and although i know she ultimately blamed her father for his actions, she also spent some time being upset with her mother for taking things public.

 

in some ways, i feel that many would prefer that we go back to the days of the scarlet letter A that was assigned to those who had commited adultery. and perhaps that would keep more people in "line" but, my point here is that, especially in close knit communities the ramifications of situations like this reach much further than just the adults involved.

[b52srock]

Izzybelle, yes, I have kept my children in mind through this whole thing. I have a sneaking suspicion that my son may have seen the two of them together somewhere along the line. Their apartments were across the street from the firehall which is right next door to the movie theatre, and my son and his girlfriend, not to mention my daughter, all go to the movies nearly every Friday or Saturday night. Its a big thing in a small town, you know?

 

The thing is, everyone in town already knew about it. And I guess, in my gut, I did too, I just chose not to believe they would do something like this. I have not talked to anyone about this other than right here in this forum. I kept things very quiet. I didn't need to spread it all over town, everyone already knew! I wonder how long they've been talking behind my back about this as it is.

 

You see, I've had a rather high-profile job in the community for several years. I was the news director for the only radio station in town, plus an on-air personality. Ironic that the local news director missed out on the one piece of news she should have been covering, huh? What I'm saying is that I'm sure there's already been talk, and while I haven't set out to intentionally do any "damage", I'm fairly certain the damage had been done long before I confronted the OW.

 

H and I have had a very, very serious talk about everything. Now I'm leaving it in his court to decide what he wants. He's said he didn't intend to stay with her for the long term anyway, but it doesn't stop the pain they've both caused. I did tell him that with time and counselling, while I may never forgive him, that at least we might be able to get past this and make a better life for each other and for our children.

 

I don't intend to let this drag on much longer, that's for sure. It isn't fair to the children or to me. And if he doesn't want to work things out, then it isn't fair to him, either.

[izzybelle]

b52, what a mess! i can't imagine how hard it must be on you with so many people probably knowing and having your kids exposed to it as well. and yes, the movies on the weekends was a big thing in my small town, until they closed the theater . and i think you're right, now that i know a little more, the damage probably already was done before you talked to the OW.

 

good luck at picking up the pieces. i would guess that trying to get through this is tough enough, as it is, but when you add to it, your professional position and the fact that living in a close knit community is like living in a fish bowl..... all i can say is good luck. funny, i moved from a small town to a small city and then to the burbs and it's not quite small town but wow, some days the gossip still flies!!!!

 

and i do hope that you mean what you say about not letting it drag on much longer because you're right it's not fair to you or the kids and him as well.

 

take care of yourself!!!

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by b52srock

I have kept my children in mind through this whole thing. I have a sneaking suspicion that my son may have seen the two of them together somewhere along the line. Their apartments were across the street from the firehall which is right next door to the movie theatre, and my son and his girlfriend, not to mention my daughter, all go to the movies nearly every Friday or Saturday night. Its a big thing in a small town, you know?[/Quote]

 

It's just my opinion, but I think it's fair for kids to have at least a rudimentary understanding of why adults behave the way they do. It's not like they aren't learning by observing, and they sometimes observe more than we wish they would.

 

I'm not by any means suggesting that they be clued in to what's going on, but say 10 years down the road, they string it all together and realize Dad had an affair? They'll remember how you handled it. So, what do you want those memories to be?

 

I have no problem with what you did. Afterall, if you sh*t in someone else's nest, you can expect to get some on ya! So, OW may cry to your husband about how mean you were, but it's not like you actually caused her any serious grief.

 

Actually, it showed ALOT more decorum than I would have had in your position. I'm worried that if it had been me, at some point the law would've had to be called, and bail arranged.

 

If in hindsight, you're kids are able to recall that you handled it all with resolve and dignity, then you've created a positive lesson out of a difficult situation. So, if you choose to protect them from the facts, remember that they are still watching and drawing conclusions, same as we all did when we were kids.

 

Good luck, hon.

[tokyo]

b52srock ,

 

sorry to hear about the cheating going on. I read your first post and what I did not quite understand was, if you had heard the rumors, why didn´t you ask your husband about it? Even if I loved my partner more than anything, if I heard that he allegedly had an affaire I would ask him. If I knew her husband, I would ask her husband about the reasons for the divorce just to make sure that the rumours were not right.

 

I´m asking, because these points strike me as strange and I´m not sure if you can solve the situation as easily like this. There might be deeper issues with you and your husband that you are not aware of, otherwise you would have asked him the questions I mentioned before.

[b52srock]

Yes, as a matter of fact I did ask him. On several occasions. And he lied. I believed him because he's always been a person that believes in the truth. Everything is either black or white for him (or used to be) and there's absolutely no gray areas.

 

Unfortunately, he has himself in sh** up to his eyeballs now and has no idea how to get himself out of it. Or, he may not want out of it, I just don't know.

 

He keeps saying he doesn't want to lose his children. That's his biggest worry with a divorce. But in the past 6 days he's spent exactly 30 minutes with them and phoned them once. We don't even know where he is right now (on the road, I'm sure, but where?).

 

He's going to pitch an absolute fit when he finds out the kids and I are going to my mother's for Thanksgiving. Luckily, I've seen the doctor and gotten some anti-depressants, so I'm doing better emotionally. He needs them, but refuses to take "drugs", yet pops body building pills like they're going out of style.

 

Its a mess all the way around.

[izzybelle]

b52,

i'm glad you're doing ok. my ex pulled the same kind of crap with the kids.... and still does....

if anyone asks him they are THE most important thing in his life. but if they're not with him, he acts like they don't exist. and shortly after i moved out he went on vacation alone (yeah right...then who was the ghost in the picture from that trip) and didn't call or return the kid's calls for 5 days. they were really pis*ed and scared that something had happened to him. that was their first "real" experience with having to deal with one of his lies, since then...i think they're getting used to it. pretty sad.

 

i'm glad you're taking care of yourself, and good for you for making t'giving plans without waiting for him to decide to be in touch. hope your kids are handling this ok. are they?

 

please continue to take care of yourself and let us know how everything is going!

 

izzy