Stuck in limbo!

[amakgf]

Like everyone else always tries, I will condense as much as possible. So much information to cram in! I have not sought help on an internet forum in so long, it almost feels dirty.

 

Anyhoo. I am 30, 3 kids(11, 9 and 2) with my husband of 11 years. My youngest is suspected of autism. My husband works for a good local company and makes decent money. I bust my butt for a crappy national chain part time to offset my husband's excessive spending habits. Well, and after too many years as a stay at home mom, I needed some adult interaction.

 

So, things have never really been good. I got pregnant young and thought marriage was the way to go. I was soooo in love, right? Many times I got pushed to the edge and was ready to leave, but got pulled back in.

 

Most recently, my husband has decided he simply does not know what he wants and that all my efforts have been meaningless, blah blah.

I finally recognize my codependency. My absolute terror at what life would be if I were on my own. I have never had a license, always rely on him and the rare friend to transport me anywhere I can not walk to. It stinks. Phobia, gotten worse as I've gotten older.

 

I've made major changes lately. Focusing on my wonderful children, working hard to eat better and lose some weight.Watching my potty mouth. I quit smoking, quit drinking, quit doing anything I really ever enjoyed (regardless whether it was good or bad). Making changes to my housekeeping routines, making sure appointments are made and kept, all that jazz.

 

I've suffered depression for as long as I can remember. Been treated off and on, unfortunately almost completely unsuccessfully.

 

No matter what, there's always something wrong with me. And he makes sure I know it. Even when he;s clearly done something he should not have, somehow I was supposed to have solved it before it happened. Except that I am not to tell him what to do, am I crazy?

 

I realize now I married an intensely passive-aggressive man. And darn it, he's good. I've sunk into this pit where I've always been the problem, and willingly took all the blame. I see what it has been all this time. I thought I figured it out before, but even then I let him trick me again into thinking if I'd just not done this or done that, he wouldn't have done what he did or not done as the case would have it.

 

He's never actually been emotionally available to me. In all these years he's only ever cried twice, and both times were ploys to suck me back in. Don't ever trust someone who doesn't cry, for joy or sadness or what have you.

 

I'm waiting to hear back from legal aid, but gosh, this limbo is the worst part. I thought I was gonna play his game right back until I knew my options, but it turns out I am the worst player of games ever in the history of the world. I am good at pretending like I am a-okay, but it just eats me up at the same time.

 

I feel so weak right now. There's that part of me that is so scared, trying to convince the other parts of my mind that if I learn enough about what's wrong with him and stick it out, it will get better. But never once in all these years have I been able to count on him, to trust him, to feel safe with him.

I see that he's been trashing me on reddit and in emails and messages (because he likes to leave it where I can stumble upon it, as always). Because I am an idiot, I fall into the trap, I read it and I feel so so so bad. So worthless. And scared. He threatens to take the kids, because I won't be fair, I won't be reasonable, I don't want to do what's best for the children.

 

The thing is, 100% my heart is for my children. I won't ever use them to hurt him. I know personally the damage that can be done, and it is just not part of me to be vindictive, even when someone deserves it.

 

I am so scared, and because I buried my head in the sand for all these years, I feel so completely lost. I have no money and so few friends, and none close by. I work a difficult, low paying job, I have a special needs toddler. I can't drive. (I do have my permit now though, just a few days ago. But how long it will be before I can take a road test is a complete unknown.) Winter is coming so fast, and it is not a nice area for winter here.

 

I do think proceeding with divorce is the best thing. For me, for my children. I don't think he will ever accept his own part in the problem, it's always someone else's fault. He has family with resources, and that worries me some. I've seen the way he's twisted my mistakes into being earth shattering disasters, I need help for my depression and anxiety, I'm a threat to myself. I'm a raging alcoholic because of a short attempt at self medicating that bit me in the butt too fast to progress to anything actually damaging. I play music too loud and I don't spend time with the kids because I hate malls and don't play video games with them, but I get up with them every morning and hug and kiss them every night. I baby my son because I don't think he should be left on the stairs or in the bathtub alone because he's 2. I spend too much money on yarn and nail polish but I wear my shoes and underwear until they literally fall apart. Our house is a pig pen because I didn't feel like doing the dishes last night after doing six loads of laundry and scrubbing floors and cleaning toilets and spending 3 hours making a complicated dinner after working a week of crazy-making shifts at work. Oh, but I'm only working part-time. Don't forget that part....

 

In reality, I am in a place a million times better than ever. Some days I feel so strong and so proud, but so easily he can destroy it.

PHEW. I could go on forever. If you read this all, thank you. I just needed to put it in writing I guess, somewhere someone could see it and maybe tell me I'll be okay.

 

I was told I'd hear back whether they take my case on the 9 or 10th. In the meantime, I am so lost and so scared and so terribly lonely and angry and all of the craziness is just overwhelming!

 

I just hope I can pull it off. I can not just be nothing any more. I don't think that's going to help my kids at all!

Edited October 6, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for paragraphs for better responses.

[Yasuandio]

Honey, Im bumping your thread. Here a some true impressions from a smart woman whose been there and was dumb enough to stay there 20 years longer you:

 

1. You see all the issues very clearly, and have time for a FULL "do-over" unlike me.

 

2. You have taken the first steps in recognizing your bad habits and addictions.

 

3. You are taking steps to legally solve you idiot husband situation before he beats yiu down, mentally, any more.

 

4. You are smart. (So, work on that "self-talk" just like I need to).

 

5. You faced your phobia about driving, and ovrecame a major handicapp.

 

There is morem of course, but alk this above is like big time accomplishments. What I recommend at this time is to end the "Pity Party." You got no time for that with kid(s). Save all the evidence of the gaslighting crap husband has written or said about you (tape record his fat mouth if necessary). Could be useful if it goes before a judge. Do behind the scenes detective eork, and stop talking or argueing. Look up 180's in my signature line. You will here from othere poster's. Lots has been going on recently. Yout thread just got lost during a busy time. Don't worry, every thing is giing to be ok. Take it one thing at a ti, e. Start hiding some money in thr lining of a jacket or coat. That's it for now. Keep your lip zipped. Yas

[amakgf]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I struggle against absolute despair sometimes, but am working so hard to remind myself he's playing a game with me and DO NOT let him into my head again. Keep focused on what I am doing. Patience.

[Yasuandio]

Yes honey, stay cool, focus on your accomplishments! Add another goal each week. That is what Im trying to do, it is very hard for me, because of the tremendous amount of drugs required for bi-polar and associated disorders. But baby steps, keep listing them, like I did for you. Other posters will come in also, soon. For now, I am here. Yas

[amakgf]

I had a bit of a freak out yesterday when I realized I have not been taken off the joint account yet - I accidentally asked him last week if he'd done that, then I figured he would do so right away. Luckily, his laziness meant he had not. So I printed statements and sent them to a friend until I need them. He has refused to give them to me for my son's case, and now I know why. He spent a ton of money having fun with his friends the week I 'kicked him out of the house'. I hope my good luck holds up a little longer. There are a few other things occurring at times that just might be all to my benefit if I don't back down!

It's overwhelming going back and forth between terror and sadness, exhilaration and strength.

I will sleep again though some day, right?

[Yasuandio]

FIX ALL THAT JAZZ TODAY! Then begin yo continue the list of accomplishments here at #6, so we can keep track, if you want to.

 

Start thinking about your make-over plan also. That is gonna help your self-confidence. Look up Mimi. Tanner for advice on self esteme and confidence blogs. Or sign up for ALL her free email newsletter for each ebook she has written. Not to get your X back, per say, but to get yourself back, which is really what her focus is all about.

 

I'll tell you the truth, cleaning is very hard fot me - it is overwelming. Yiu and me both have to tackle it. This little housekeeper gave my passed Mom a trick. It works, and I use it in one clutter free clean zone. Carve out a measured 2-3 foot area, and clean it top to bottom perfectly. That is it. One a day. The "Flylady" website gives some great tips, such as, never go to bed with a dirty sink, period. Their emails are too much, but there is a lot to learn reading thrir site. I knoe my proble in cleaning is perfectionism, as explained in Flylady. If it is not perfect - I am just paralized.

 

A clean or half clean environment involves systems that are reguraly implemented. I got that down in kichen. Coffee area, tea area, sweet & low/splenda area with package disposal nearby, etc. Always perfectly clean sink before bedtime. Organized food menu. Empty counter space. My kitchen gets an A+.

 

The bath I use on first floor is also there - I hung a clear shoe organizer on the backside of the door and put all the stuff-stuff where I can see it: creams, mascara, nail clippers, hair clippers, deoderent, moose, brushes, curling iron, barettes, etc., etc., etc. 1000 things are no longer on the counter top, on in cabinet where I can't see it. The I use cabinet for big paper quantity stuff like TP, paper towels, etc. Just another system. I got these clear bleech tablets to put in tank of toilet - and it stays clean all the time now. Just a swish once a week is a good enough. I give the 1st floor bath an A+ also. But sometimetimes I don't hang up my clothes, or put away my PJ's, which turns the A+ into an F. However, I did develop a plan to hang all the clothes properly, and have a proper place for PJ's. I get an A+ for that.

 

This is the idea, sweetheart. I'm remodeling a room, and that will take the winter to accomplish the hand mosiac marble, granite, and quartz floor. Once that floor is finished, this will be an inspiring room to put together! Hope this gives you a kick in the right direction. Yas

[amakgf]

Love flylady! I have tried to do her plan so many times, but can't quite make myself put on tennies in the morning! I I get the idea though, and I will start with that when I feel like I have a chance at succeeding.

I have trouble staying on track with so much to do. I have a tendency to start one thing, discover fifteen more things, and by the end of the day nothing got finished. I am definitely trying to work on that. Truly, my home is not a disaster. The biggest issue is not having homes for things and keeping things I intend to give away but forget. My stbx cleans by shoving everything into the nearest closet or drawer, and that is crazy-making for me! I really can't wait to get things settled and start focusing on my other areas needing improvement!