XTiffanyX Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Myself and my husband of 5 years have recently divorced. We both changed dramatically from our first year of marriage to the point that I didn't know who was by the end of the marriage. He became cold , selfish and unloving. He's recently started dating a colleague who he's worked with for at least 3 years. It's made me question wether or not something's been going on the whole time. I know that I shouldn't dwell but the temptation to snoop is almost overwhelming. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 What does it matter? If he wasn't seeing this new woman and showed up at your door would you want to be married to him again? Let her have him. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
carrie_o Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 It sounds like you need to move on. Go out with girlfriends. Have some fun. His life is no longer your problem so don't worry when he started dating. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author XTiffanyX Posted June 10, 2014 Author Share Posted June 10, 2014 You're both right. Thank you for the replies. I guess I'm just resenting losing 5 years on him , although it's all a learning experience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author XTiffanyX Posted June 10, 2014 Author Share Posted June 10, 2014 Does anyone have any advice for me? Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 There are probably only about 100 or so. You should start by listing what you are concerned about. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Big signs would be secrecy, being ultra defensive when you bring up any concerns to him, accusing you of cheating, and strange changes in behaviors or routine. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Mentioning a 'friend'(by name) a lot of conversations. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 As it appears the most recent thread, entitled 'What are the warning signs of a cheating partner?', concerned the ex-husband outlined in the topic of this thread, I merged the threads for continuity. As the thread starter and spouse are no longer married and there was no known affair during their marriage, I'll leave the thread in the separation and divorce forum with a re-direct from Infidelity. Housekeeping done. Please continue! Link to post Share on other sites
Odelle Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 I wonder if your concern is more about needing validation of your own past intuitions rather than being bothered who he is with today? Perhaps I am wrong and this doesn't apply to your particular case, but sometimes when you get to piece things together afterwards, and you know your suspicions were correct, there is a funny kind of personal empowerment that helps you feel stronger in the future. So.... suppose you found out for an absolute fact that he was having an affair with her all along.... would that help you trust your gut instinct going forwards? I suspect it might. Forgive me if this does not apply to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 Google "signs your spouse may be cheating" and go from there. I can understand the attitude of people who think you should let it go. I can also understand your need to know the "real" reason for your divorce. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 I wonder if your concern is more about needing validation of your own past intuitions rather than being bothered who he is with today? Perhaps I am wrong and this doesn't apply to your particular case, but sometimes when you get to piece things together afterwards, and you know your suspicions were correct, there is a funny kind of personal empowerment that helps you feel stronger in the future. So.... suppose you found out for an absolute fact that he was having an affair with her all along.... would that help you trust your gut instinct going forwards? I suspect it might. Forgive me if this does not apply to you. Google "signs your spouse may be cheating" and go from there. I can understand the attitude of people who think you should let it go. I can also understand your need to know the "real" reason for your divorce. These two posts actually go hand in hand. Never, ever doubt your intuition....you can question yourself....(shopping mostly....is pink, purple or yellow a good color), but never, EVER doubt your intuition when it comes to a man who has checked out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 You're both right. Thank you for the replies. I guess I'm just resenting losing 5 years on him , although it's all a learning experience. If you were to verify one way or the other their relationship status, what would you do with the knowledge ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I would say that there was a "connection" between them beforehand. When people split up and then all-of-a-sudden one party is dating again, I would say that someone had somebody already lined up. I've seen this happen a lot of times. Just be glad your out of it. I wasted about 7 years on my first husband and it still rankles a bit, years later, so I think that's understandable. I can also understand the temptation to snoop but I think that will only hurt you in the long run. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author XTiffanyX Posted June 11, 2014 Author Share Posted June 11, 2014 Firstly.... I guess I just resent the fact that I've potentially been made I fool of. I find it really hard to accept that most of my marriage has potentially been a lie and there's been three people in it for the majority of its life. Looking back... There were so many signs indicating that he was playing away. I just chose to ignore them. He lost all interest in me , emotionally and physically. We didn't have sex for the whole of the last year we were together. He ignored my attempts to inject some passion into the relationship. When I eventually decided that enough was enough , he put up no fight for me. It's all very cliche looking back but when you're living it , it's doesn't seem that way. Link to post Share on other sites
lockedoutluv Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 XTiffanyX, Having evidence of cheating may have helped you during the divorce proceedings. Digging up dirt on your EX now only opens the wounds again. One could quibble, but it sure sounds like you did everything that you could do at the time to recapture a spark in the marriage, but for whatever reason, he was not receptive to that. It's probably a case of the Grass-is-greener syndrome, which is almost impossible for the partner to change. If it helps, you should know that there was very little that you could do. Rest assured, though, that he will likely tire of his new partner soon enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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