Lost_Dad Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 (edited) Hi All, About three years ago I found out my wife was inappropriately messaging with a few different men. Having an affair was brought up in at least two of them. A year later she had an affair, which she claims was only emotional but I'm not so sure. Another year later (a couple of months ago) she had a physical affair (she admitted to multiple sexual encounters). I gave her one last chance (now wish I hadn't) if she would stay accountable. She has contacted the man at least twice since and lied and hidden her behavior. We have three middle aged boys so I don't want to leave or get accused of abandonment and she refuses to leave. We filed bankruptcy last year, so we can walk away from our home. Does anyone know if I let the house go into foreclosure, can I then get my own place and not allow her to go, without it being abandonment? I handle all of the finances so she probably wouldn't catch on until its too late. That would also give me a few months to save enough money for us to both find a place to rent. Any help on this matter (or others you think of) would be greatly appreciated. We live in Virginia by the way. Edited May 5, 2014 by Lost_Dad Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 It's actually hard to legally "abandon" children in the US just by exiting a residence. As long as you keep providing support, staying in touch, demonstrating intent and taking practical steps to be a father, it is unlikely that you can be adjudged as having legally abandoned them. BUT.... * Ask a lawyer in your own jurisdiction to be sure - these matters are state-specific and depend strongly in exact facts, * It is would not be in the children's interest for you to leave them * If you walk away from the children and leave them in a house where they get kicked out by the sheriff, that may start to verge on legal abandonment, and it sure as shootin' qualified as emotional neglect and a downright rotten thing to do * You have a legal duty to support your children including providing food, shelter, clothing, etc. as does your wife. Please don't ever think of not supporting your children, few things could be crueler 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 Since you apparently have a serial adulteress on your hands, perhaps kicking her out to one of her lover's domiciles and you remaining in the marital home with the children until the bankruptcy/divorce resolves would be one course of action. How did the BK impact your home? Presuming recourse loan not discharged, the bank will foreclose and repossess the house. There's usually a common timeline for that in your jurisdiction. Where are you on that? IMO, no need to 'surprise' your wife. Do everything by the book and always with a focus on the best interests of the children. Right now, it appears they are better served by being with you and in their traditional and customary domicile. I'd work to that end as best possible. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost_Dad Posted May 5, 2014 Author Share Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) As I said I do not want to leave my kids and have no intention of doing so. And I understand about contacting an attorney I just thought some discussion may help me think of things I may not have otherwise. What I'm asking is at the point the foreclosure process begins does that give me an out to get my own place and her get her own place and at that point we can work out the custody arrangement. I did speak to a lawyer a couple of months ago but before I had thought of this. She is dead set on keeping the house and refuses to move out so I see my only other option as being the one to move out and then I'm afraid my kids will see me as the one leaving them. I just don't know what to do. If the house is foreclosed and we both have to go somewhere else then it will look more mutual. Also, with what we pay for the mortgage on this house we could just about rent two other places I know I will have to provide her some sort of support so I have to take the financial part into consideration also I lost my job last year and my new one doesn't pay quite as well Edited May 5, 2014 by Lost_Dad Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 In my jurisdiction, people often remain in the foreclosed house until the sheriff evicts them. How do I know? Bought a few! Getting squatters out can be quite challenging. Here, a non-judicial foreclosure can easily take 3-6 months so no rush IMO if your area is similar and there isn't a dated foreclosure document being served yet or posted. IMO, I'd treat the issues separately. File for D, make motions to the court regarding what you want for residency/custody/support, etc. and then go through that process separate from the foreclosure process. A good attorney can likely advise you how best to blend them to your and the children's advantage. If your wife doesn't want to go, that's on her. You have no control over her. You can, however, make it appropriately uncomfortable for her to stay. Where did I learn this from? Women! Pay attention and learn. Women can teach you a lot! Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) If she is "dead set" on keeping the house you may be able to quick claim off the deed, but if you are both on the mortgage she would more than likely have to qualify for the loan herself (you don't wanna' be on there if she decides to quit paying). This will vary from state to state I think so as the other posters mentioned (and I strongly recommend this) get an attorney. As far as your kids go, as you get closer to leaving, give them the heads up regarding what's going on and always let them know you are there for them. Depending on how old they are will dictate how much you want to tell them. I had a similar situation and I thought "we" were working it out; nope, she just started another affair. Good luck LD, it DOES get better with time. Edited May 5, 2014 by TheBladeRunner adding Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 In situations like these, the kids will eventually find out 'why' the D happened. In which case, they tend to side against the parent who caused the breakup of the marriage [her]. So in this regard i don't think you have much of a problem. I would talk to an attorney or contact a forum that specializes in this stuff; there are forums where you can mention your problem and to what state it applies. You might even ask some more advice in private from the ppl who answer. Link to post Share on other sites
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