ReallyConfident Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 I've been a stay at home dad for the past 6 months or so while my wife works and goes to school. She wants to work and go to school, she hates being a stay at home mom, so it's not like I'm a worthless layabout, though I do sometimes feel that way anyway. After I left the military 4 years ago we moved back to where my wife grew up, because I didn't want to go home and I've always been content to do things her way. My wife is a classic WAW. She's emotionally checked out. She's confident and together and goes out with friends and ignores me when she comes home. She's agreed to marriage counseling but I think it's just so she can say she tried, I don't get the impression that she wants the marriage to work. When I try to talk about the marriage she sighs and says the WAW things. "This wouldn't be hard if I didn't have feelings for you." It hasn't been 'I love you' for a while now, just vague feelings for me which is why getting a divorce is hard for her. Like I'm supposed to feel better that it's hard for her. That's my consolation prize. So, rather than wait 2 or 3 weeks to start marriage counseling. I've been weighing moving out now. If we don't get back together I'll have missed those extra weeks of being my daughter's dad. Those extra weeks of ignorant bliss for my poor sweet girl. I want to enjoy every second with her. From her perspective, she won't know the difference if daddy goes away on May 8 or June 8, though. And if going away now and starting over like a confident determined man will improve my chances of saving this marriage by a tenth of a percentage point, then that's what I'll do. I just don't want to stand by helplessly for another month and watch the slow motion death of my family. Any tips? I guess what I'm asking is, will moving in with my mom for 4 months while my structured settlement is converted to a lump sum and I can buy a cheap house in Missouri, reconnecting with my old school friends, getting a job and paying her child support, will any of that improve my chances of my wife back here in Virginia missing me and wanting to give this another try? Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 So let me see if I understand this... You want to know if moving ahead with a separation and moving in with your mother will ultimately force your wife to miss you and want you back? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ReallyConfident Posted May 4, 2014 Author Share Posted May 4, 2014 No, that's not what I said. I can't force her to do anything. I'd hardly be the first guy to have to temporarily move back in with his parents after a divorce, so I'm not sure why you felt the need to lace your response with such sarcasm. I asked about which course of action was more likely to give positive results. I can stay here for the next few weeks or months with no friends except her friends, no family except her family, and as the full time caregiver of a 4 yr old very few opportunities to affect positive changes in my life. I can see her every day and fight a losing battle to control my emotions and appear in control. OR I can do what I'll have to do anyway, leave and start my life over, albeit sooner rather than later. I'm grasping at straws here. Please give thoughtful responses or none at all. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 It sounds to me like there are too many power struggles in your marriage, previously she didn't want to do MC when you wanted to, but now that she is willing, you want to leave before you get to it. Even if you feel it's just so she can say she tried (and yes, that IS what my exH did, one session, his mind was already made up), MC can still be a vehicle to "clear the air" if you can both approach it without blaming each other. Personally, I feel if you run out before the MC, you are just going to give her more power in the situation...and from the background in your postings, that has been an issue (giving your power away) for a while now. Relationships aren't always 50/50...but they should never be 80/20 for long periods of time. As to positive results, it depends on what positive results you are looking for. To become a more confident you and get the separation and divorce process going, yes, it would be to move on with your life and do a 180 for positive results for YOU. If the positive result you are looking for is to move states away from her and hope that she misses you and wants you back....keep this in mind for either of those scenarios "Out of sight is out of mind." In either case, at the base of this is a four year old....that's a lot of travel distance from VA to MO. I can understand though, the need to be around your family and friends to heal and get through the divorce.....understandably, that makes it a harder decision to wrestle with as being a SAHD most likely deepened the bond with your daughter. What would be your plans there around your child if you were to move that far away? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ReallyConfident Posted May 4, 2014 Author Share Posted May 4, 2014 I don't know. I can't afford to live in northern virginia right now. My wife is going to have to figure out how to raise my daughter without me anyway. I'd prefer to take her with me. In truth I'm the better parent, I respond to my daughter's distress with empathy and calm, she responds with anger and annoyance. I would never win a custody battle though. I don't feel like doing all the amoral, sneaky things it takes to document my wife's parenting style. It's a little late in the game for that anyway. I can't do anything except tell my daughter that I love her, that I'm going away for a while and call her when I can. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 My wife is a classic WAW. She's emotionally checked out. She's confident and together and goes out with friends and ignores me when she comes home. She's agreed to marriage counseling but I think it's just so she can say she tried, I don't get the impression that she wants the marriage to work. When I try to talk about the marriage she sighs and says the WAW things. "This wouldn't be hard if I didn't have feelings for you." It hasn't been 'I love you' for a while now, just vague feelings for me which is why getting a divorce is hard for her. Like I'm supposed to feel better that it's hard for her. That's my consolation prize. In reading this paragraph, it sounds like shes trying all she can to actively distance herself from any attempts at reconciliation. A lot like ducking under awnings until the rain passes. Moving out early will probably just allow her to remain resolute in her decision until the end. Since you mention 180 in the title, I'll mention what has been stated over and over on LS, The 180 is for you and your recovery, not a "win your wife back" tactic, its a "Win you back" tactic that occasionally has a happy byproduct of showing you in a different light. The focus has to be on you and your recovery though, anything else is just grandstanding for her benefit. My advice would be to stay put and see what comes out in counseling, even if she is just going through the motions at the moment, it's still in the very early stages, and as you said in your previous thread. Highest probability of reconciliation is what your after. Counseling, healthy communication, and an unbiased third party to help translate all improve your odds a lot more then a multistate gap between you, regardless of determination or confidence. TOJAZ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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